What ta do

Been enjoying this song for a while.


I find that each verse has me considering a different life question and I love it.
Although in the song he has conclusions, or seems to imply the questions are more like statements "I will be light". I find I am continually coming back to these questions.

What does it mean to be free? To be part of a community? To love someone? To serve God? or... I guess how do you be light?
and all this considering we have one tiny moment in life to shine. 

This week I've been particularly caught in the first few questions.
I worked Sunday through Thursday with the intention of Writing on Friday-Sun (this coming weekend) before next week's shifts. On most work days I am exhausted after work and I get home right around dinner time and want to just do nothing... but this week I had the opportunity to catch up with some friends, and I was looking forward to that. So a couple of the nights I went out for dinner with some homies and had a good time, even though I was reluctant to take it further into the evening. But as the week went on, I found more people reaching out to hang out this weekend, and my potential time to do some writing seems to be shrinking.

So I've been running into this thing of how do I justify protecting my writing time?  If my normal day doesn't allow me to connect too well, and most people can only hang on the weekend, then how do I ensure I see people and also have some time for writing?

Furthermore, why is the writing important?  I am writing a book, but where is it going, what will it be, is it important? to who? why?

If it is just for me, then why is that important?
If it is for others, then, is that an act of love and how do I justify it?
Is creating art justifiable if you can't show the outcome regularly...

anyway... I don't think I really have this figured out.

But in my head, I need to spend this time... and I find myself willing to cut out time with people I care about to get it done. Its weird.

Or maybe I am really less caring than I used to be?
I don't know what that means. 

The school dream

Sometimes I have this dream in which I'm back in high school, but it's different school, new teachers etc.  the building is always the same, I'm aware of the location of the offices, and vaguely aware of the location of my five classes. 

Sometimes I'm an adult returning to school for some unknown reason, like a college thing even though it's very obviously a high school. Sometimes I'm a teen. I'm always struggling in three of my classes.  One is chemistry, another math, and the third is art class. 

 The math and chemistry teachers always look disappointed to see me, they usually humiliate me at some point in the hour, and the other students think I'm stupid so by the end of the hour I am so crushed that I don't go to art class.

My attendance gets worse in all three, I am failing 3/5s of my classes and it always makes me want to drop out, which is why every time I'm back I am so behind. 

I just had the dream. 

This time I was walking down the halls, excited to go to my next class until I walked in and realized it was chemistry with the teacher who hates me.

I was asking myself why I had to be there, trying to hide in the back. The other students were already engaged in the material, having fun, enjoying their learning and interacting with the teacher in the way I would love to, but they never gave me the chance. I was trying to figure out how many days I skipped when a new activity was happening. 

It seemed like some kind of role play, and my name was on one of the cards. This time it wasn't math or chemistry related it was like a psychology experiment and I was excited because I thought it would be something I could finally do right.  

The teacher explained the assignment too quickly. She wasn't clear about the objective. She didn't prepare me because she wanted me to realize that by missing class I had missed out on the right way to do the assignment so she let me flounder. 

After the demonstration I was on the spot and my confidence vanished. I was eager to answer, to please them, but I didn't know how. I asked to clarify what I was supposed to say, I said I was ready to respond but wanted the specifics 

of the answer. The teacher wouldn't help, I tried again to clarify, to ask for help in a way that said "no i can do this, but I just need a little more help" the other stents took her side, they started complaining that I didn't deserve the opportunity. That I was the joker who hadn't prepared again. 

The humiliation killed me. I walked out of the room crying, throwing a fit. 

My next class was art. I wanted to do something right, but after missing so many times I wasn't sure if I was really welcome. I was alone in the halls, feeling sorry for myself, and it felt like an empty city. Like I had returned to this place of community and been humiliated until I left. 

It's funny how sometimes in the dream I am an adult.  I am aware of the ridiculousness of the situation during the event. I am saying to myself I don't have to do this, I've already proven myself but in the moment when I don't understand, when I'm feeling embarrassed I am a kid again. I run from the room because I  feel like I'm being bullied. I don't return for days or months because I am scared. 

I woke up and my first thought was, would you be scared right now? If you had to take those classes would you be scared? And the answer is yes, but not enough to stop me.  My brain was suddenly my adult self again, capable, confident. I went from crying in my subconscious to planning consciously.

My next thought was why I was having the dream. Is it because of my little brother who is afraid to finish college eve cause of this type of situation? Is it because I feel guilty that I didn't prepare for something or I've been skipping something? Is it because I know I've probably been the teacher who humiliates a student who hasn't prepared and I'm feeling guilty? 

Was it just a dream because I hadn't set an alarm? 

... No answer. Something to think about. 

Since asked

People been wondering how I'm doing. It's an interesting question. Sometimes I feel very positive, optimistic and energized or relaxed enough.

Other times I'm subtly depressed, not dwelling or particularly anxious about one thing, just moody, completely the opposite of the other times. 

I can't tell what the difference is, it doesn't seem to have to do with food or sleep or the weather or anything. Sometimes I notice when I don't have official work it's a bit harder, but other times I get really into my free time. 

I can't really tell what is what. I'm not sure if I can trust my senses or thoughts when I'm in one of those moods. 

But I ask myself what I want and other than what I have there are really three desires. 

I want to complete these projects so that:

I can find a more suitable and meaningful job, something that gives back. But I only want this when I've completed my own shit. 

Two I want a better living space. Somewhere clean, modern(read not falling apart), with people around who I like.

Three I want a relationship. I'm disatisfied with my day to day mostly because I don't see any progress and won't make any changes to make this happen. I haven't met anyone I've been super in to.  And I'm too shy/ unwilling to make a move for the random... So I feel very lonely, even with friends calling. 

I've been having dreams of separated friends. Pete shows up a lot, so does Becky. It's interesting because my relationship with both of them is the opposite, Pete is always casual in the dreams. He's like a helper, always around like when we were growing up- rather than the reality of being very far away.  Becky is always on the fringe, half hidden, sometimes she says something, sometimes it's nice other times cutti or mysterious. Even when the dream isn't about her I feel pulled gravitationally to her and usually when I wake up I wonder why she was there. 

The egocentric part of my mind says that means I should reach out to her, maybe she needs help. But I think the reality is probably more like I need help, and my mind is sorting through the people that have been anchors in my life, and saying where are they? 

I don't mean to complain. I've got good friends here, but I'm gonna go right back to the situations that I was in when I left if I don't do something different. 

And yet, my mind is wondering where the familiar is...

Dreams and memories

I was doing nothing when she burst through the door. Not exactly welcome, but not unwelcome. She jumped back into old routines immediately, including the one where she was upset and I would calm her.

Which is what she was asking for.

It was a poem I had written that had upset her. I couldn't remember all the lines but had the vague familiarity I have with all of my pieces, I knew when it was written and who it was written about, and my task would be to explain it.

She was upset, angry and scared. Because I couldn't remember the words, I wasn't quite sure what she wanted addressed. It happens often that some line I've said is mistaken for something else, I was wondering if I had feigned being suicidal, or if I had described her in some unkind way. 

She kept saying the title, as if that would remind me of its content, but I wasn't quite sure. I offered to go look it up, to break it down. 

I invited her into my whirlwind of a room. It wasn't just messy, it was living in chaos, but this too felt easily 

explained besides she'd seen me in worse, we lived this way for a time.

I looked up the first few lines of the piiem and felt clear that this was all a misunderstanding. I was trying to help her see,but she was erratic and then ran to the door.

At the door was her friend, a large light skinned black man who clearly had played football. He was acting as her protector but he wasn't aggressive, just concerned. We talked and I offered to go get him a copy of the poem so he could see the misunderstanding. He said he'd like that. I was explaining to him on the way that it had been a break up porn, overly dramatic and written from a place of wounds. He seemed to understand that. 

While it was printing I scanned the lines again and roughly at the same time all three of us came to the conclusion that this wasn't the right  piece.

He said demonetizing about it being 17-18 pages long. She was shouting in the background, but painfully like grieving cries. And I swallowed hard

I woke up to heavy rain or even hail on the cabin roof, along with lightning strikes . There weren't any other sounds and almost nothing was visible.

I couldn't tenement the name of the poem though it had sounded so familiar in the dream. I had been reciting the familiar lines but hadn't remembered the whole thing. 

In my fear, I wondered if this was the moment I died, and whether the poem was all the things I'd leave behind. Whether she was upset because so much of it would seem negative in comparison to the positive, and I wouldn't be able to explain.

Or if the poem was some longer collection titled after that poem. I've often considered writing a poetry book, and assumed that an entire section could be poems about her. 

A third thought for consideration was that she was in trouble. We haven't talked in forever, I've basically written her off and for the worst reason. I wondered if I was supposed to make contact, to reach out and check in. 

But with who? In my dreams she doesn't always represent herself. I've had numerous dreams about other people where she stood in as the symbol. There area at least two people in particular I could think of. 

And so I tried to get back to sleep, thinking about the various things, wondering what had lead my brain to them. She's been showing up a lot lately in my dreams, is that because I've basically returned to a college age?  Is it because I looked at pictures last night from the last 5 or so years and considered the people I've loved? Is it because as has happened before in being subcojnsciously signaled of something happening? Is it because I'm worried about or jealous of  friends, in their relationships with big tall protector type men who may want the best for them or may be isolating them from me. 

There is no internet access here so I was looking at pictures and reading old stories. The last 5 years were amazing and also super disheartening. 

My life seemed on the rise, on track, etc.

There were events and shifts that made it feel less exciting and more like growing through the motions, but I enjoyed the people I was seeing to the extent that I could. 

I think I was grieving far more than I wanted to admit and then I ran away. 

In my pictures I also looked at videos and photos from my first trip to Guatemala. This time I became ready eyed, not for that abandoned mishap of a trip, but because I lived there. Missed it. Missed the people and the place. 

I will probably never live there again, probably never get to show anyone around pointing out the daily sights that now seem so meaningful but at the time became so ordinary. I won't have breakfast at Danny's or San Martin with Courtney. I won't eat at the sushi place with Sara and Anna. I won't see movies with Keva. 

I never properly grieved.  I never grieved the changes in my life, always gritting my with and moving forward. 

I miss all the people I've loved, I miss the loving part of our relationships, and now if I met up, we wouldn't fall into old routines because that was a different age, and everything is different now. 

The anxiety of being a barista is starting to fade. The repetition dreams are alternating with dreams of characters I've been working on. 

I've run into students at work and while out walking.

I've met up with some old friends, and found myself repeating old patterns.

I've realized that I am surrounded by interesting and talented people. It's made me proud and self conscious. 

I've been lonely. Wondering how to find someone to come home to. 

I've been sleeping poorly and getting 10,000+ steps a day either through walks or just working.

I've not been eating very healthily. 

My room is still not out together and I've realized part of the reason is that I haven't full committed to living here, but I'm

Making no plans to move soon.

I'm wondering how to be satisfied, knowing more time will pass than I'm comfortable with.