Since asked

People been wondering how I'm doing. It's an interesting question. Sometimes I feel very positive, optimistic and energized or relaxed enough.

Other times I'm subtly depressed, not dwelling or particularly anxious about one thing, just moody, completely the opposite of the other times. 

I can't tell what the difference is, it doesn't seem to have to do with food or sleep or the weather or anything. Sometimes I notice when I don't have official work it's a bit harder, but other times I get really into my free time. 

I can't really tell what is what. I'm not sure if I can trust my senses or thoughts when I'm in one of those moods. 

But I ask myself what I want and other than what I have there are really three desires. 

I want to complete these projects so that:

I can find a more suitable and meaningful job, something that gives back. But I only want this when I've completed my own shit. 

Two I want a better living space. Somewhere clean, modern(read not falling apart), with people around who I like.

Three I want a relationship. I'm disatisfied with my day to day mostly because I don't see any progress and won't make any changes to make this happen. I haven't met anyone I've been super in to.  And I'm too shy/ unwilling to make a move for the random... So I feel very lonely, even with friends calling. 

I've been having dreams of separated friends. Pete shows up a lot, so does Becky. It's interesting because my relationship with both of them is the opposite, Pete is always casual in the dreams. He's like a helper, always around like when we were growing up- rather than the reality of being very far away.  Becky is always on the fringe, half hidden, sometimes she says something, sometimes it's nice other times cutti or mysterious. Even when the dream isn't about her I feel pulled gravitationally to her and usually when I wake up I wonder why she was there. 

The egocentric part of my mind says that means I should reach out to her, maybe she needs help. But I think the reality is probably more like I need help, and my mind is sorting through the people that have been anchors in my life, and saying where are they? 

I don't mean to complain. I've got good friends here, but I'm gonna go right back to the situations that I was in when I left if I don't do something different. 

And yet, my mind is wondering where the familiar is...