the merging of worlds
I always gave my friends shit, especially zach who was fairly unhappy (at times when it happened) about not wanting their worlds to merge. meaning separate parts of their life met up... with zach it was his girl and his friends, (thus the reason it took me 4 years to meet illy after hearing so much about her).
me and pete used to like to fuck with him and invite his lady friend (particularly ashley who we all loved)
anyway... i guess i was such an honest believer in the merging of worlds that i got blind sided when my friends were too defensive to enjoy becky's company.. and right now, after worrying about every other thing first, it finally occured to me, that my girl friend meeting my ex might not be the happy party (for me) that i thought it would. i still think this is bullshit, and thats why im writing about it because im calling bs on myself. its always better for truth and communication, always. I dont think i have anything to be ashamed of that i havent already said several times. i dont think i could apologize more about certain things.. but what if they just realize that im not the mike they like? what if they feel led on... what if...
i call bullshit on myself.
but part of me really wants to know what they talk about and part of me really thinks it would be better to not know.
i hate how egotistical this whole thing is too, thats part of the fear of the merging of worlds, u realize the world doesnt revolve around you, which is why im almost proud of myself that this fear didnt even come up till like 10 minutes ago...
i mean i was totally convinced that i had nothing to do with it... in the sense that there were so many bigger things than me... and all of a sudden i think im gods gift to the world or something... im being stupid.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________

on a far happier note, me and krystin are back to sharing and laughing and enjoying the scene, this makes me really really happy actually and having discussed several things with her, im even more convinced that the truth and communication and even confrontation thing is the best route.

so

carpe diem and uh live and learn and love, and this cd that we were listening to at the hostel is amazing.
peace and love
-taff

some thoughts on the concentration camp and other stuff can be found on my other blog (for school)
i didnt mean to say anything offensive if anyone feels that way.

I caught myself ranting on ryans comment system. (he was talking about the koran=Qua'an)

"ryan, i already own a copy of that holy book, and yeah i caught a lot of the anger in it too. its such a weird mix of beauty and truth and for some reason rage... i have heard though that the english translations dont have the right words to get the true message across, and that most muslims use the book along with other holy texts which expound in much more peaceful terms...

but yesterday I caught myself wanting to buy another copy if I go back to turkey, so that if I get stopped by customs agents I can cause a total scene and call them fascists (i went to a concentration camp yesterday, and it left me loving the ideals of the US, and hating our policies.)
Im not known for laying down in the face of things i dont believe in, but it made me feel pretty strongly that the swiss "neutrality" thing is bullshit, and active (but peaceful) struggle needs to take place to keep the right balance "

I hate that about half the things I say lately have not had their intended effect. (sp?)
I write all these long ass e mails out of love, or frustration, sometimes boredom but always respect, and sometimes im not sure if im coming off the right way... things I know i could clear up to some degree, but could never fully erase the slight damage to the trust every time. And yes, it is these follies which sometimes lead to better communication, stronger relationships etc.. but i hate the process, the worrying.
Lex says I need to chill, and allow things to be, because they will work out. But often I feel that if I chill too much (because of the position i have taken in a lot of peoples lives) things will fall apart temporarily. Not them or me, but the relationship and having things fall apart is my least favorite thing in the world. Still, the battle for control, should not lead to censorship, but in my case careful word choices should be expected, and lately I cant remember words...

I was talking to this random girl in the hostel. She has a completely different personality/perception of things than me, and I still really dug the conversation. I told her it was funny that we could never work out together, but I think she would have made a (frustrating)but interesting friend, had we had any time in this world. Still the 20 minute conversation is better than none, and I like to meet people digging the world, even if they dont do it like I do.

For instance there is another guy here, who basically reminds me of everything i worry I am. Hes not aggressive or mean, hes presumptious but awkward, hes a lot like me on a bad day, and I hate making that judgement but it seems so clear to me and I wonder if it is to him (but he seems oblivious). The rolled eyes, smug comments dont seem to phase him, and in a sense I think that is amazing and beautiful, I think its fun to sit back and watch as he (with no bad intentions)puts people a little off, and I like watching those reactions, and watching the people extend their boundaries to accomadate him, and understand him, cuz secretly I believe they all know they have been there. but whats more is I love his excitement in it, I love how he reminds me of my little brother rushing into the street when he was 7 without looking, (while I worried) or asking for free samples from every restuarant (while I worried) and such and such, cuz I always wanted to live that free, I always wanted to be me.
Sometimes I worry that I impose too many worries on the people I care about.
Sometimes my worries come true and I react well for the situation having played it out in my head.

I shared a million horrible thoughts and feelings with lex yesterday about the concentration camp, and basically vented for now, but maybe another time.


Tonight we go to Warsaw, I hope things get better because this would be a shitty way to end a good experiance.
Some of my stuff is being sent to the states, costing a fortune.
Its my best friends birthday. I think i heard he might be in mexico, life is moving on without me once again.

My little brother is gonna come out here. Finally have travelled with both. Its funny that so much of my life, our lives, has happened away from each other.

I hear James is working too hard again, I worry about him. I worry what will happen should there be a negative outcome. I worry that one day he wont be able to take it. I think its the hardest to see him hurt, since he has always been the sturdiest... im glad he has so many people around that either care and believe in his cause, and if not, then at least in him.

Despite the little awkwardnesses of it, I like AIM a lot. i like catching up quick, or sharing life.

If i dont extend (which isnt likely) im here for another month and a half. but most likely it will be two.
two more months, what to do...hot to keep up the energy, looks like maybe a month at most of that will be with people...

"we crossed over the st christopher, we crossed over to find a place to rest, the st christopher is burning down tonight, we will never return."



There was a poem that they put in the audio guide at the camp that was horrible and sad, and beautful

im hoping to find a copy of it, but heres a different poem, written by a survivor and peace organizer

"First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.


by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945"

I think thats really important.
heres another link about the camp

hmmm 4 classes so far, two sociology (methods and systems of oppression)
a speech class that is required for the ed program
and a humanities class on war and the way it is depicted etc..

also trying to get in to a history class on early history of east asia, because all the others wouldnt work with my schedule..

rachel and I are working on plan to meet up in istanbul... which means i might have to leave Illy sooner, but i would have a traveling partner for a little bit..
and actually i think the time frame she is talking about would work out well.

Uh Lex informed me she might go out for coffee with becky, which i hope goes well, so that they can both relax about this shit, understand why i care for each of them, and not feel threatened, (nothing is gonna change for the worse anytime soon)

Actually part of it and (alexis stumbled on to this in a joking manner) but i really do wish women would talk more, be more vulnerable with eachother and come to some conclusions and understandings as to why they shouldnt be insecure around eachother or because of men... and to have a couple of women i care about work behind my back without any pressure from me, seems right to me. I hope it works out ok.


me and krystin were crabby to eachother all day, but it was a good day anyway.
We saw the main square of berlin, the tv tower, the statues, we took pictures of famous places, and strolled into a school for politics or something to ue their fly ass bathrooms. We checked out the brandenberg gate, the topography of terror and checkpoint charlie... then walked back strolling through trying to figure out differences between west and east...

anywho...
more later I have free internet for another day or two... peace

and then mike posted... on what? he does not even know

lets see, I have seen places and spaces and moving things and then when i wasnt on drugs i visited amsterdam and brussels and now berlin again.

Im not really sure what to say about anything, more frustrated with the fact that my headphones which i bought from krystin after i pseudo stole them (she knew about it) -well anyway those headphones are only working in one ear... and hats ear-itating.
talking to this girl about drugs and sex in amsterdam...
i made a comment about needing a strap on and being open to new worlds... open...
alright... enough with the jokes...

um lets see,
its really hard to think of anything worth while to say on here.
I havent been drwing or writing as much as i want to, and yet every chance i have i feel to lazy to get everything out and set up...
I had lots of cool pictures in my head when i was on shrooms but thats to be expected..
I walked through a mini open air art market on the day we left amsterdam and it remined me of the up town art fair only smaller. Some old cats were playing irish folk toons on a harp and guitar... On down the streets I saw a guy playing the digeridoo (spelling?) and the sweet dude who plays drums and such...
also I saw a guy who's whole act was kicking a socker ball but he did some sweet shi with it, including climb a light pole while bouncing it (never letting it drop) and then kicking it through the limb things of the light pole.
In between his acts he would let the crowd play with it, and see what they could do, play hack basically.
I was telling becky one of the best things about amsterdam is simply the openness of it all, nothing is too out there, unexpected or horrible. even the things that are horrible are accepted and treated if need be, and the rest is up to you... but basically everyong being aware and open about their insecurities and secrets leads to a society where everyone has more hope and not less, not bogged down by personal concerns, allowed to be free and thus move on with life and create something good together.

the city is built on water and islands. the canals and buildings are the most beautiful thing, even without the drug enhancements but they certainly help in some ways... vincent certainly fits in perfectly and i spent 15 minutes staring at a painting of some woods, watching the path unwind fill out fill in, the swerves of the trees a drugged walk in the woods (all from a painting and some poisonous mushrooms)

back to berlin, and we are deciding what to do. tomorrow we both have to register for classes (somehow hers is earlier than mine, despite me having more credits and such...)
but anyway...
i think i need to get in a speech class, soc sci sem, an engish class, an art history class, 2 soc classes and whatever else to fill in the holes in my areas of emphasis..

at least 21 credits me thinks.
hoping to take a poetry class if they offer it...
basically i think both of my semesters and maybe my summer inbetween will be full... full full full.


On a travel note.
Rachel wants to do turkey (maybe greece-not sure)
so i might rush out to meet her, then do greece, then do the yugoslav instead of the other way. how to get to istanbul? we shall see.
more later apparently if we have free internet while we are here.

im leaving tomorrow and about 90 % of me really doesnt want to. Brussels seems like a hastle but its important to move on, even if i come back, got to go first...
its been really nice.

I feel very alone right now, mostly because im tired and sad about something, feeling kind of overwhelmed with a sort of frustrated pity, that turns to anger when i follow it down certain roads.
I use to feel this way about other friends and their past or presents (usually boyfriends)

I felt good sharing my love of aimee in brief snippets to lauren and Illy, reminding them that its worth it.


I feel horrible leaving tomorrow having not written the notes i wanted to write, screw the homework, i got bus rides...
but I owe people e mails, i been putting them off waiting for a time i had the energy and the time to make them good, to let them know i care... and instead I put them off and put them off.
Ashley E
Bronchi
Serrah
t roy
my mom
my brother
my dad
my grama
of course there are a few cats who i could never write to enough.

but i hope everyone knows like illy assures me they do, that i really do care and that the moment im around or they need me, i will try.

so im sorry.


thanks for the life, peace and love -taff

i literally cut this post into a quarter piece, but it was an amazing day..

"I feel sorry for illy’s normal friends here who were somewhat displaced as we walked in, and by somewhat I mean physically we are taking their stuff.

Illy is so beautiful and amazing, and though shes right I didn’t miss her, I almost miss her now, while im with her because I know she and I wont always be within hugging distance. "


good luck and good night

the hallway walls and me,


i have some sort of allergy here in france, its like a cold only it gets etter and worse, and i think its something in illy's apartment, near by where I sleep.
Im starting to understand why zach hates cats (hes allergic) and yet, when I wake up all gross, and cant breathe and feel miserable, i find it funny. Cuz like what a funny thing allergies are...

On becky's advice andpartially due to envious inspiration by aaron king, i started drawing from pictures last night, and its weird, because normally i detest such a thing, but right now its giving me confidence and inspiring me to draw more anyway. I cant draw real people, i tried last night, i cant get the spark of life, and i cant capture the beauty, the energy of a person. but the drawings themselves arent horrible, a good place to start.

made illy some mix cds and she seems to like em, so thats nice. and her boy is shaving his head and reminding me of my little brother.
hes an interesting guy, and almost too likable.

lauren (illy's friend from mn) is coming tonight and we are waiting and looking forward to that with a mixture of excitement and nervousness. im heading off to brussels on sunday night (fingers crossed) and meeting krystin, then amsterdam and then berlin again. looking forward to it.
even though its nice to chill here.
Krystin told me she might ditch out and head back to her parents after berlin, which i think i understand but im sort of worried that i annoyed her too much.
If its money and all that, then i certainly get it. if not im a little sad.
and this is probably the first time i have written something on here, as a note to her. which is wrong of me, but eh...

um right... this would leave me with the entire month of april to myself, so i gotta figure out where i can go and who i can hang with...
melissa? rachel? illy? steve? anyone? i hate being alone...


more later peace and love to everyone
taff

Updates….

Paris and Alexis
Krystin went home on the third, Lex left the same day from Minneapolis, stopping by to meet my pops, and grab some stuff and then meeting me on the 4th.
Which meant I had a day alone in Paris, which was good for me, Me thinks, cuz I needed the taste of alone time. My hostel was in Montmarte which is where I wrote that poem, about the little town on a hill. Its just a neighborhood really but steeped in tradition of bohemia, capped with a beautiful church. Small cafes too expensive to eat at, and little art and tourist galleries. The square near the church is full of artists, painting the neighborhood, caricatures, portraits, and random beautiful things, and on down the hill is the infamous Moulin Rouge, one of a couple cabaret places, nuzzled amongst many strip clubs and sex stores.
Its hard to describe the street, its kind of a silly creation, and amongst all the sex is a grocery store in which I got supplies for the night.
That hostel was supposed to have free internet, but like everything in France it’s a little slow, and sometimes a little French, (thus why im typing this on word and not the actual blogger space, French internet…)
Anyway I spent the night racing amongst conversations and returning to my room when things settled to write and review life.
There was a good crowd at the hostel and it was fun to talk… me and krystin had been in a shitty little hotel room for a few days and hadn’t met anyone since Vienna.
Anywho… it was a good night, full of energy and awkward drunken conversation and some silly Canadians from BC.
The next day I woke to go to the hotel Lex had booked (a bit in the suburbs like, but a nice neighborhood friendly people.)
She showed up a bit later than I expected, actually I had went for a walk to find her, and found her a bit weary from traveling so, we took a nap.

Anyway it was good to connect again,
Very very good.

That night we went for a walk along the river and took pics with lions and such.
Talked to some crazy new jersey people, a sad couple who we hope will break up, but seemed nice enough until the yelling began.

Im gonna start skipping things.
We took a night train to munich, spent a few days walking around in the snow, checked out an art gallery, took a train to berlin
Lot of talking, laughing smiling, closeness,
The trip was great for that.
In berlin we stayed at a cooler little hostel and talked to the manager bout bob Dylan
Checked out some sites and she had her interview.
We decided to stay an extra night, and then had to rush back to paris, on consecutive trains.
Our last train was booked full, and we spent a night half sleeping, but I got to hear some nice songs and stories.
Anyway it was not fun leaving… or having her leaving. The morning was kind of hell, and then I spent the day on a train hoping to see illy.
Finished my book…


Aix en province

I spent like 4-5 hours waiting for illy at the door of her place, after a while a nice swiss girl, (who later turns out to be a bit of story teller) helped me out, got to check my e mail to find that Illy was in Marseille this weekend visiting her family.
It wasn’t like frustrating to hear that, more disappointing. I guess I was looking for some comfort, and found out I wouldn’t get it for a few days.
Me and the swiss girl checked out a couple of spots (a hotel etc) to see a bout a place for me until Illy got back, and that’s why I went to the shitty HI hostel.


I felt so bad that whole day and the next, feeling like I just couldn’t enjoy myself, and I was so awful (in my head) to people, everyone was being nice and helpful and I was depressed and anxious and crabby.

I started worrying about traveling alone, and it made me think pretty fondly of the thought of having my travel companion back.

Anyway, the day after I got kicked out of the hostel for a few hours while they cleaned (this is a rant in itself) and didn’t know what to do, the weather was too cold to be outside the whole time, and it was Sunday so a lot of stuff was closed.
I went around looking for food, books, music, anything to distract, eventually I decided I would see a movie.
So I found out which theater has english movies, and went to see the secret of brokeback mountain, which is good, but I think I was hoping for more. Sad though..
After that I went back and spent the night, running around unable to write or draw and just listening to music…. Out of boredom
went to bed around 12 though, because after a while my drunken roommate stared demanding attention.
Interesting guy, got 2 kids, is a bus driver… got kicked out of the hostel the next day and told to leave Aix.
He gave me a coke, which he later spilled on one of our roommates bags, and I got blamed the next morning…
Anyway..

Illy

For some reason I always worry I wont recognize my friends when I haven’t seen them in a long time. When I met Illy in Marseille a few years ago, I remember having those exact fears, and then when I saw her she looked like a French version of herself, all decked out in fashionable denim.
This time the moment I saw her I was just like “na things are smooth” and they have been.
We had a marvelous conversation rushing to catch up last night, and if I were in a more poetic or philosophic mood I would elaborate, but it was good.
I have met some of her pals, they seem like good people, im sort of glad things are all working out, but boy did she take down the wine yesterday. And we stumbled home (me just cuz im awkward and her because she was trashed) from her friends place where they had good music, and I lost three euros in poker.

Im not sure what to say.
Life seems smooth again, and I need to start getting on top of shit or im gonna fail my 4 credit class, fuck up and be late to see krystin and screw up all the good things. But its aight, cuz its tueday, not Wednesday so its not business time yet.
Looking forward to having internet (if it works).. I like chatting it up with cats.
Feels like im missing something

i think i paid for too much internet time. Im waiting for alexis who is in an interview thing for being a tourism guide with fat tires in Berlin, Germany. A city and country i used to be afraid of and am now quite fond of, especially the cheap snacks, pretzels. overall i have been trying to spend more like im on vacation with my girl friend, which i am. I found out i will have some extra cash, but this worries me because now im thiking i should stay longer in europa, and i will need to budget again soon to stay on track (something i´ve become out of the habit of)
needless to say i have been having a wonderful time this week, visiting munich and berlin, train rides and snow filled walks holding hands and such.

but oddly i find myself retreating again, hesitation worries. will things change in 2 days?
the other day i asked her why in the case of relationships (my frim beliefs in life and love and such) werent enough.

with myself it is, when someone else is added, worries.

anywho, munich was pretty sweet and the germans very efficiently swept us up to berlin, where we are staying in a much more dive but cool hostel, run by a lazy student of musicology who loves bob dylan.
we ask "has europe changed? or have we?"

the days feel surreal, but soon reality, i think i will end up taking a bus or train down to marseille and seeing illy in 2 days. that is the plan.

today museos.
mabe breakfast in the morning.

peace and love -taff

this one isnt finished(which means it is, because I probably wont ever get back to finishing it) but in honor of being here, (this is very Ginsburg "america" ish)

Oh little town on a hill,
we have over run your barricades
of shady dealers, sketchy, meager monstrosities, fantastic glow façade with closed curtains
bombarded you again with the sweetness we call freedom
Oh little town on a hill
why does thou allow our unsavory ways?
Oh little town on a hill
sacred and cherished, delightfully lighted
why are your alleys full of hash and coke dealing baddies?
Oh little town on a hill
So distinct with magnificent fury
Wrap yourself in the paint strokes
The piano notes, the mystic made fashionable so long ago
Oh little town on a hill
Have you grown old, accustomed to our banging and brashness?
Have you slept through the days, spent all of your nights ecstatic?
Oh little town on a hill
Your moat seems to fill quick with men
sneaking behind those dark velvet curtains
Oh little town on a hill
I swear it almost got me, but claiming artist I snuck by
And wonder if it’s a lie
Oh little town on a hill
Passion has been your disastrous decadence
Is it still, and is it our will?
Oh little town on a hill
Capped and domed to surmount your mount
We catch glimpses from far off distances and
Dreamt of sacrosanct asylum in your presence
Oh little town on a hill
Forgive a pleasant dreamer,
Smile serenely but don’t hold my squeamish hand
Oh little town on a hill
Your cobbled roads are rag tag riches,
Don’t pay them for the face lift
Oh little town on a hill
Pull bread from your pockets
These bondsmen have our
Precious passes
and we have spent our loot
on your fine wine and grasses
Oh little town on a hill
I your love as strong and
Would you wrap us in it for we have been walking all day in the rain
and need your calming bisou greetings
Oh little town on a hill
Proclaim once and for all that you are no madam,
neither the whore
And let us in to fool around some more
Oh little town on a hill
In grace, your star burned bright boheme
spill life on to us and our hearts may weep with joy again

(I said this to serrah)
MJHaggar: im hoping to write about three or four tonight, because i have had all these thoughts and no outlet for a while, not time to sit and think

poem number 1

Spin Spin room room
whirl you, talk you, smoke n swirl
Spiral cascade fall and
Fill in, the cracks we have left
What’s your name again?

I found a dame, a damaged soul
And what was left
We couldn’t contain
Watched it seep and spill and soak
It rattled us, and choked our throats

It was then someone smiled
and dully commented
That life was a dream
We agreed and
having “firmly” cemented “our beliefs”
we drank the red nectar to give us wings - again
…so much heavier from the rain this time….

But upon the town we hit and hurried,
Scurry scurry to catch the train,
And when we missed, remorse was scarce
Dining thoroughly upon adventure
the evening’s main course

Suppose we came to some sacred place,
hardly aware but the thrill and vibe
and music leapt from creak and corner
further instilling the dance in us
and the notion, the hope… that this feeling would never subside