This week a bunch of the students got mad at me. We are trying to hold them accountable to their own feelings and behaviors, and of course that means they get upset and their defenses come out. Some run, some fight, luckily its been over fairly petty things. Nothing major, no damage... but its difficult when a teenager decides they don't want to do something. They have the power to be stubborn. They have the choice whether they are ready to try or not. We can only hold the space for them (and they don't like it). We are still short staffed, so it's been an exhausting week. At the same time, at a certain point it felt energizing to just say "Hey, this isn't my shit, its yours and you need to deal with it."
Thats a funny thing for me. It's weird to feel empathetic and also hold ground to know that in the long run holding them accountable is better for them. I can validate all day every day, but if they don't start to challenge themselves, they won't truly learn that they are capable. In some cases, it's as simple as kids not wanting to challenge their negative assessments of themselves "I suck at school." In other cases, its kids blaming others for stuff they did. "You made it worse." (by holding me accountable).
That phrase, walking on eggshells is so common when a person can't handle their emotions. Many of my students end up making people tense, totally unconsciously, they have no idea that they are doing it, but at times it is a constant in my therapy group. Like every day or two, someone will say something and the room will go tense. Sometimes it lasts weeks. Sometimes it doesn't get addressed because everyone is afraid. I basically told the students we aren't gonna do that anymore, if you feel it name it, so that the person can start to take care of themselves, rather than it being a pattern that repeats. But its hard. It is very hard to feel overwhelmed and not blame others. It is very hard to sit with difficult emotions. It is very uncomfortable.
This morning I woke up at like 7:30. I wanted to go back to sleep because in one of my dreams I was -not quite in love, but at least with someone who had once loved me. There were other people there, but it felt so familiar, so comfortable, that I longed to just stay there. I miss feeling loved. I have so little of that in my life. A week ago my mom scratched my back and I realized it was the first casual touch I'd had intentionally in over a year. Yes I go and get massages sometimes, but casually? No one touches me. Some folks still communicate and it feels amazing, but honestly I am alone most of the time... so a dream in which someone still loves me -even if it isn't as romantic as it once was. It felt amazing.
Today I was walking around the lake listening to that new Olivia Rodrigo album which I unfortunately love. Like totally fucking love every song -Might be one of the best albums I have heard in a while -which is insane because its a teenager! (or is it?). Anyway, 90 % of the album describes the relationship I had with M, or at least the breakup, all about drama and angst, and heartbreak. So of course I was reliving old drama in my head. And I realized it still feels so real, even though its silly. Old heartbreak from almost two years ago (seriously 22 months in June), and I haven't even had a glimpse of a new crush or a new anything to pull me away. -At the same time, dealing with work this week, I totally didn't think about it at all... So the songs bring me right back to the thoughts of it... but tonight because I was bored, I was doing some social media searches and I found her/them on Instagram (that's a song not a link to her). A joint account, one post from a couple weeks ago. I guess that spoils all my wonderings about whether she is miserable. I had this thought that she might have gone through another depressive stage. That maybe just as all her other relationships fell apart, this one would too, because she doesn't know herself well enough, and can't sit in her feelings or communicate about anything. But I guess it hasn't (yet). Listening to the music today, it made me wonder if I got to be with the worst of her, and whether she never showed me what she was capable of in a relationship. I always felt like she was not attuned, like she was pulling away, like at times she did things almost intentionally to hurt me-push me away. But maybe she was just never invested, and so these things didn't occur to her because she was already assuming she would move on. I mean... the timing makes sense. But then, I also compare the story she had of me, and the way she describes her exes. I really only have her most recent ex husband to compare primarily, but everything he did seemed to demonstrate "yes, he was anxious and sick of the shit" but also, he loved her, wanted to do right by her, even when they separated. I never heard of anything he did that sounded like he was trying to hurt her, just that he couldn't live up to her expectations... and if my lived experience is any indication, he tried, and she tore him down anyway.
these thoughts are comforting to me in a weird way. Like "Thank god she broke up with me, I would have been miserable for the rest of my life." But the lack of interest in others, and the fact that I genuinely fell in love with her, and our life together, makes it really difficult to just sigh relief over.
Back to the media post, it brought up some of that emotional discomfort, warm-ache, that feeling in the diaphragm, that bleeds onto the heart and lungs and stomach. My nervous system felt off. I was triggered, but not that bad. Nothing that wouldn't go away with a few breaths, a little sighing. a little reflection. I can handle my feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. But I forget that all the time. I am an anxious avoidant mess sometimes.
So why don't I add more people to my life? I mean, if I can handle my feelings. If I can communicate, and ask for what I need and sit in the discomfort... why can't I invest in new people? Its a funny conundrum, I was thinking about how if a total stranger I found attractive was like "Hey want to go on a date?" my answer would be something along the lines of "I don't even know you." which is of course the reason for a date... but to me that's not enough to invest. I am still withholding. Anyway...
All these things make me think of the nervous system and energy. Can I balance my nervous system? In many ways, you can just think of it as a range of energy. Am I overly high in my energy (manic/panicked/survival)? No. But I am anxious, somewhere slightly above middle...and so I intentionally ground myself, stay low, simple, moderate, don't take risks, don't go to extremes... simplify everything, almost rigid in my okay-ness. In my openness to what comes without necessarily joining it. I try to live that taoist life, balance, let the flow take you. But then I get caught in my low rhythms, wake up blue almost every day, go to bed lonely. Sit still too long without distraction and I am agitated by my own feelings of inadequacy. So naturally my energy is probably on the low side, and grounded in it even when I am excited/anxious... (that's dangerous).
Today I did some meditation at the park and then ran up a hill, and afterwards I felt much more free and elevated (not just physically being at the top of a hill*). My energy was actually higher after exerting myself. I felt good. I felt capable, despite my wind pipe closing up -I either have athletic induced asthma, or I have never been in shape. Anyway, it made me think about how little I risk, how little I allow myself to feel the reward.
Been working a little on the book each week. Not major additions but at least a tiny amount of progress weekly.
Lately I have been writing more of the character Lucy, who is a teen when we meet her and is super traumatized, so she stays pretty angsty and withdrawn (selective mutism) throughout her time in the book. She can't trust anyone, and because she withdraws, they believe they have to make decisions for her, so it ends up being this vicious cycle of recreating the trauma response. In the early book, she is one of two characters who refer to myths or religious stories. She takes home a book of myths from her English class, and becomes obsessed with the stories as they give her an outlet and a way of understanding the awful things she experiences.
I find it particularly hard to write her character because I want to give lots of context to what she is experiencing, but she doesn't dialogue with others (a few scenes in which she writes back and forth). I hope that her character comes off as trying to avoid people. In my head she spends like 90% of her time curled up in a ball sleeping, reading when she is awake, and only interacts with others when forced to. She overhears conversations and reacts to them. But her circumstances change a lot, despite her efforts to withdraw from everything, and so I accidentally break the POV because it should be from her lens in present tense, but I am trying to let the audience know of the larger picture that she is living through despite her attempts to avoid it. So I end up switching into past tense and omniscient POV.
The other thing that has been hard with writing her character is that she is one of the only characters whose cultural time would mean anything. EG, when I first started the book in 2015-2016 she made sense for that time line, but if I update it at all, she would have to age along with relevant news/culture. Even her word choice... she's almost a new generation 5 years later. That matters a lot less with adults. I can slip in a word about Trump, or Covid and suddenly we are updated... Maybe at some point I will have to just give up on the timeline?
I've been thinking a lot about some feminist critiques of dystopian sci fi lately. How writers use violence against women and children to justify the narrative, and I guess the book definitely does that. Trauma in all forms... these are deeply wounded humans. They all have opportunities to show their strength, and the reason their behavior makes sense... but it is a disturbing book. I have tried to have as many female characters as male, but do people fall into stereotypes? probably. It's also a funny type of critique though, as if people don't experience violence, don't experience trauma that impacts their personalities and the direction they have in life. I meet so few "healthy" people who have never experienced anything. Just isn't my life experience to see I guess. I try very hard to show how good childhood and healthy families can still face hardship in a world in which people don't look out for each other.
Anyway, I always worry about using the same old tropes, but I do anyway. Lucy has selective mutism because she got in a fight with her mom (who was being emotionally abusive out of her own anger and grief) and Lucy's response was to tell her to go to hell, and then before she can talk to her mom again, her mom dies as a war breaks out. Her brothers and friends all run off to the war, but she is already too shaken, and so she is left behind and withdraws. Some part of her believes that if she speaks truth to the hellish world around her, it will only get worse. And life keeps getting worse, she continues to withdraw into fantasy. Her conscious and unconscious understanding of things starts to mix, at times she is making conscious metaphors to amuse herself, other times replacing reality with a fantasy version to protect herself, other times she is simply delusional/hallucinating due to her decline, and as a writer figuring out how to mix these states in any form of coherence over roughly 10 chapters about a girl who primarily stays in bed all day -is difficult.
I sort of fall in love with the characters, even if I don't like them, or I am sick of them... It's this weird thing where I have to be so invested in their perspective that it's like I am them for a day... some characters more than others...half the boys are definitely me... Jaime, Shawn, Esfegione, Lizo, Hieu, are all definitely part of me.
Jaime wants to be spiritual, wise, unattached, but in his heart he wants connection with others and to be secure in it. (Mike's desire to be a sage)
Shawn wishes he could stay innocent but continues to have to be an adult in a brutal world, and his response is to say fuck you, I'll destroy everything, if you're gonna fuck with me. (teen mike)
Esfegione just wants to be known, cared for, seen, upright, seen as good. (Mike's day to day).
Lizo lost all confidence, but wants to be the hero people see him as. He's smart, and capable, but doesn't trust himself (Mike's ego).
Hieu reluctant, anxious, contemplative, conservative even though he is fully capable. Everyone around him is too rash, and he sees how it is ruining everything. And meanwhile, all he wants is to cuddle in bed with his lady. (Mike's response to life).
I often wonder about some of the female characters, are they part of me, or part of the people I love?
Jimena? Anya? Naiyah? Ka Htoo? In some ways they feel more like caricatures than the boys. Jimena is certainly not a normal person, but we see her in a lot of weird states, so she is dynamic even if out there. Anya is real, but her shallowness makes her seem plastic to me... Naiyah, too old and wise for her age, fearlessness is weird for a child. Ka Htoo, its the shallowness of her entire society.
Maybe that's mike's sexism, or maybe its a critique of the way women are socialized to be shallow in our society? Who knows. Samson (a female character whose name will likely be changed) doesn't feel like a caricature to me, even though I sometimes write cliche shit in her voice. She is a whole person, fighting to not be seen as a caricature. Maybe that is why though, Samson more than the others has other people thinking things about her that she doesn't like. Anya crafts her image. Ka Htoo doesn't have anyone who pays attention. Naiyah knows she is playing a role for other people (in the early chapters), and she feels it is important to do so. Whereas her story arc later puts her in a spot where she is very against playing into people's hopes for her. Lucy behaves like a petulant child because she wasn't able to grow out of it in a healthy way, she doesn't have a healthy role model to grow into, so she ends up being what they think about her.
Anyway, I had a whole journal website dedicated to thoughts about the writing process, but I abandoned that project and probably need to write more of this shit down so I can think through their arcs and how they come across... oh the shit I do in my mind.
