Other lives

 

Sometimes when I shower, I am reminded of Central America. I don't know why, but the feeling of the heat, the containment of the water, just sends me right back there. It's rather pleasant. It reminds me of opportunity and sunlight. There are no negative strings attached. 

The employees of my company are considering unionizing. I was sort of on the fence about whether this would be a good idea, but in the long run, I am pro union so I figured it would be a fun experiment. The other day the CEO sent out an anti-union email that made me fully commit to unionizing. I attended a meeting that night, and saw BN from Spirit of Truth was the outside organizer supporting. It's funny to think how many meetings I took part in, how it launched people into different spheres. How when it was over I needed to run. 

My mom told me Grant thinks I want power, but hold myself back. My Supervisor thinks the same, I am starting to piss her off I think. Which is funny. Funny how we invest in the potential we see. 

I was walking the lake last night. All of yesterday I kept getting irritated. I woke up that way, some of my first cogent thoughts were judgmental and totally not in character. I was biased. I don't like being that way, so all day long I was laughing at myself, and trying to put myself in a better place. Over and over again I was able to, but the crabbiness kept returning. Not entirely sure why. I was walking the lake grumbling over a particular line in the CEO's email which had to do with utilizing Walk-In's free counseling. Which felt like a really stupid thing to refer to in an anti union email. Walk-in uses a Solutions Focused model of counseling, meaning what can you do to problem solve this particular issue? Well the issue is I work for a mental health company that doesn't pay enough for me to seek mental health therapy.... solution?  Unionize. It felt silly. But as I was walking, I wanted to talk to someone from Walk-In who would have a knowledge of the big picture admin and also the therapist perspective, and M came to mind. And it was a moment where I wasn't angry at her, just missed her company and wanted to discuss the world. I even pictured running into her with her current dude, and figured it would be a great opportunity since he also has some of that macro knowledge. Anyway, it was a weird longing. 

Later in the day and this morning, I have been missing my life in St. Paul. Sure there were plenty of downsides: a single room in a shared house that I wasn't comfy in, across town from half the people I know, not exactly close to where I was working. But on the other hand there was walking down Selby, and being 6 blocks from Target, and all the little routines I had that made me satisfied. I miss getting salads at Whole Foods, and soyclones at J Selbys, and going to Starbucks and the Naughty Greek, cahoots and Jamba Juice. Gingko, and Goldengate Cafe (which closed so sad!). So many of my memories of St. Paul got wrapped up in the relationship, but on good days even the memories of living off Grand Ave, and staying at her apartment, or getting waffles are lovely. I really liked her apartment, I really liked the life we were creating, even if she didn't. 

It's been covid for more than half the time I have lived in this apartment and I haven't developed routines in public... other than walk to coffee shop or kowalskis and the lake. Yes I am close to two Chinese restaurants I frequent... but really I wake up and drive to BC, and then back to my apartment. I am not really seeing much of Minneapolis at all. I think it is also just not having anyone to share the memories with. I have more memories of Minneapolis when I was a teacher than I do in the last few years, less people around, more isolation. More making my own food. Taking things like coffee to go. I suppose I sit on benches at the lake more than I used to, but that's about it. 

Today in the shower, I was thinking about how lovely it was to be in a relationship. Again, it would have been better with a partner who actually wanted to be in a relationship with me, but even without that... I liked myself, liked the lifestyle. I really miss having someone to cherish. I haven't even really had a crush in a long time. I don't even know how I'll meet people anymore. I am not very friendly. 

The unionizing thing gave me a brief glimpse into my old life of running myself ragged. I am not sure I want that. But it also reminded me that I am not fulling engaged in anything... and even in work I am not fully committed. I have a part of me that sees an end date in a year or two... and then what?

I don't fully know. Life continues. 

My parents are turning 65 and retiring. They can't relate to my single life. I am not even sure I relate to my single life.

Oh the infinite possibilities.  I'd like to jump tracks to the next one.