This weekend I had a day where I was really depressed. Part of what happened is that I began to feel incapable in a lot of areas in my life, and resentful of work, because it felt like I was putting all of my energy and creativity into work and not getting what I wanted in return.
This might be the problem with being a therapist. Or it might be the problem with being lonely, and not having balance in life, and using work to fulfill some of the void.
Either way. I mentioned this to my clinical supervisor, and she basically said something to the effect of -you're probably going to quit in the next 6 months because you're realizing day treatment isn't a good fit for you, the things you were looking for don't exist there (a team of professionals and a good systemic approach), the opportunities that do exist (training new folks) you don't want right now. And the actual clinical development isn't giving you anything new... its slow paced, and focused on areas that are outside of your control (kids not wanting help, their parents not wanting help) and force you to rely on others that aren't prepared to do their jobs to the standard you feel is right (holding the kids accountable, supporting them, teaching them skills), and would require a lot of communication on your part that you don't actually want to do.
She makes me feel seen. What a gift.
We are getting new staff, and I do think that Day treatment will get better, but I am aware that it probably isn't what I want. I am more interested in therapy with folks who want it... teaching folks who want to learn... the students and families that are invested feel great. Otherwise, it feels like I am dragging folks through a system they don't want and aren't prepared for (AKA the traditional western education system).
But she did challenge me to set some concrete goals. I thought it was funny because Courtney sent me her list of questions and I realized I probably need to do some brainstorming and day dreaming on paper. A check in. But to make an actual plan.
Whats the story I tell myself? (What story would I like to tell?)
That I am all alone, and have to do all the things, take care of all the people, and there won't be enough left for me, and no one is looking out for me.
I would like to tell the story that I am doing my part, that I am seen, valued and cared for, that I am part of something, and that I can trust the others are also doing their part because they want to, and don't rely on me to hold them to it.
How would that look?
We'd all show up because we wanted to, enjoy our hardships and joys together. Challenge and support each other in the areas that we have decided we want to grow, stay along side one another through the difficulties, knowing that underlying the changes we make is still a core of trust, respect, love, integrity.
This is sort of the community I have wanted since I was little. The idea at least. A family that plays together. A group of friends that isn't out for themselves, or pitted in competition with one another. A neighborhood that isn't isolated nor keeping up with the Joneses. Where people actually have a set of values they are rallying around. 3B at Morris, SoT, LNAS, these are the closest I have seen, and none was perfect, but they were something. I am just sick of being responsible without feeling energized by it. 3B I was definitely responsible for keeping them together after the first few months... SoT I kept stepping up to take on the jobs no one else was doing, LNAS I inherited and was invited and groomed into the role and ended up being central to it being a staff collective. My family? this is where I practiced and honed it... how to bring divorced parents, an angry quiet older brother, a loud energetic little brother together? Step parents? I failed with the step siblings and even though I don't really try, I don't try with a sense of guilt.
Concretely it would mean at work, that I don't have to ask other people to do their jobs, because they are already looking for the opportunities to do their jobs. That they reach out with questions, and pursue the answers they need. Rather than me having to seek them out to give feedback or ideas. That they acknowledge areas that they need support in, but not as an excuse, as a genuine goal to work through.
That when things are brainstormed, or a new procedure is done, there is time to plan, to prep, and to follow up afterwards to consider how it could go better.
That things are not done in secret. That we trust each other enough to handle it together. That the culture we are trying to craft has a vision, rather than a collection of visions that are being muddled together (been there and it isn't fun).
Concretely in my personal life? People would reach out, and I wouldn't push them away, or pretend, or problem solve for them. I'd enjoy activities with people again, and seek out opportunities. I'd feel like I could ask for help, and know that the person genuinely wants to. I wouldn't feel rejected by the ones I get closest to, or wary of the moment that can't contain anymore.
Sometimes I have weird day dreams that I will get critically injured or terminally ill, and it will be my opportunity to ask for help without feeling bad... but I think I would still feel bad.
What would make it feel right?
I guess this is a question I don't know the answer to. How would I trust that I can ask for help and its ok. I mean, I do ask for help all the time, but the kind of help I really want is love and loyalty... its attunement, its someone who considers me out of their joy and not just their need. And maybe it is just my bullshit, but I really notice it more often when the people are so distant that they can't possibly expect anything from me, except wanting to say hi.
I think I need to take steps forward in asking for what I need, because if I don't I'll probably die and bitter too.
I'm gonna skip ahead. If I were 10x bolder I would quit my job, move to another country and write a book. If I were 5x bolder I would be more socially active, and actually tell people when I don't like the things they are doing. If I were 1x bolder, I'd start making concrete plans to do these and other things, and I'd take more time off.
Plans for Summer and the next year:
Work
- Finish up supervision. Apply for licensure test. Take a practice test. Study. Take test. Become licensed.
- Train in the new MHWs, create extra space for them to grow and learn.
- Finish my class on embodiment stuff
- Take time off
- Address things in consult
- Get more concrete with the kids around goals for therapy so that they feel they are accomplishing things
- Set goals for what I am hoping to get from Headway (within the next couple weeks)
- Set goals for what I am hoping to get out of my next job (by August)
- Start with a new therapist
- Run around the building once per day
- Go for walks 3 x per week
- Meditate more often, especially outside
- Smudge more often
- Challenge "story"
- Go to the doctor
- Yoga or weights 2x week
- Go back to UU church when it reopens
- See at least 2 friends per week
- See at least 1 family member per week
- Go on a date? Ask people for dates?
- Join a club (book club, writing group, mens group, something)
- Write/edit book at least one day per week
- Write a poem 1 x per week
- Paint 1 x every other week
- Learn a song on piano/guitar or take music lessons
- Quit your job within 1 year (June 2022 at the latest).
- 4-5 weeks (minimum) international trip (Portugal & Spain)
- Take time off for vacation
- House? Watch the market
- Check off another thing on the bucket list before 40
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