And so...

 

I woke up around 7 and couldn't fall back asleep.  I watched some shit on YouTube, shaved and went to a coffee shop. I hadn't checked whether my laptop was charged, so when I sat down outside I was stuck with a few books I didn't really want to read and a journal that didn't feel comfy to write in. I wrote in it anyway. I wrote about feeling like I was living outside of my life. I wrote a brief little excerpt about desiring change, and a short poetic response about loving and relying on fantasy. The humidity magnified the sun when it broke through the cloud cover and felt like burning on the skin. The traffic in the neighborhood irritated my ears, I could overhear everyone's conversation, and the thoughts in my head weren't all that clear. 

I returned home and made food. I am ready for a nap, or a walk. I have chores to do. Maybe I should be shopping. Nothing sounds all that good today, and yet I don't want the weekend to be over. I want another day, to catch up on all the things. To get clear in my head. To figure out the future. 

I've had this weird longing in the back of my mind. It whispers, if not love, then death. And I think I know what it means. It means that I am not content with my life. Even if I like my job, this isn't living. Something needs to shift. There isn't an urgency, there isn't any danger in this thought. It's simply a recognition. 

In the past when I felt this way for long periods of time, I would go on a trip. I would see the world and be renewed. That is one potential option. But I also realized on my last trip, that to some extent it is still the way I avoid my life and making the real changes. 

I am aware that the "something" is the way I approach life, approach people. But I am hesitant to change this. In the past I gave more of myself, committed to things, was part of community. It was good, but it also wiped me out. It wasn't sustainable. Now, I don't know how to be part of community without losing myself... and maybe that is the point? Maybe I am supposed to lose myself, so that I am not miserable with myself?  

I think I should find a therapist today. I think maybe I should call the doctor and get a referral for a throat specialist. I think I should book a massage. I think I should probably start creating plans with people, even when I know I will be exhausted. 

This weekend I read old poetry, and liked it. I was proud of my writing. I wondered why I don't show it off more. 

But I am also frustrated with the place I left my book - the chapter I started last week... there is an idea there, but something doesn't feel like it fits. I don't know what to do with that. In the past, I took out entire storylines when this was the case. Maybe I need to rework my outline.  Maybe I just need to focus on creating characters that feel real, and not just for the story to progress... that takes time. To fall in love with your own creation.

It's a funny thing. my first response to enjoying my own creativity is this desire to show others and get their approval. Helping my mom yesterday with her video was the same... why not do more YouTube I asked her?  Record yourself doing pottery? Record yourself on your next road trip?  But for what...

I think maybe that's why I get so down on myself, watching social media, seeing other people get praise for their art. I have a desire to be seen, to be known, to be understood, to be celebrated. But I also shirk off compliments and invitations. I often hear that most youtubers are introverts who feel really awkward in social settings. It's a medium that appeals to us. Connect, without connecting. 

That desire to be known... to be loved, but by whom? Do I care if a random says I am cool? Do I care if someone I knew 20 years ago gives me a like on Facebook? Not really. A desire to be known and loved by someone who I adore, whose story I am enamored with, wondering if our names will make it to the last page together...

I wonder if my job is really just my way of feeling useful in a world that doesn't seem to care much about anything. I professionally care for people, and invite them to think differently. Why am I questioning teenagers behavior? It's fucking useless. Tell them one thing is expected, and they will do the opposite because it's their job to oppose. Recreating the same old traps. Whats the point of anything? Why? Won't we all still make the same mistakes? Won't we all still be part of a society in decline? Won't we still be chasing after things that are meaningless? - Am I growing cynical or conservative -I often wonder lately... 

I am a socialist, but the way that we have ordered our society feels so stupid that I wonder if it is worthy of effort. Why have I not retired with a fishing pole and a customized van? 

Why do I ask why? And not how, or when. 

All things are a matter of time and choice. I guess I am not yet desperate enough to escape, but not tied down and attached to my necessity for hope. 

Parents must see the opportunity, the hope, the light at the end... something must continue to make it worth the continuing. Love or death, the whisper in my mind. Even if the reality is &, the one gives reason to separate from the other.