A day

I woke up feeling groggy. Tried to clean up just a little bit around the house. Showered. Drove down to Shakopee. Got lost. Got found. Went to the casino. Ate at the brunch buffet with family discussing travel, schools, the grocery business, dogs.  Went to ax man.  Met Alicia for coffee. Chatted for a few hours. Ate Leeann chin. Drove to Caitlin's. heard an almost perfect set of acoustic music and beautiful singing. Sat with twenty others in sauna like conditions.   Drove home. Talked to new roommate. Had company over. Talked to Emily and Kristi most of the night.  Met some of the neighbors.  Also talked to terry for a while.  Also met an artist. Also saw the girl that kind f looks like a mix between Becky and her sister.  Also saw a great acoustic set by mabbot's roommate.  Went to mabbot's house. Watched some karaoke.   Got tired and walked home in the new neighborhood and was a little intimidated.  Drove to t bell.  Counted possible prostitutes along lake street(7).

Came home ate and cleaned up a little.  Going to bed. 

Boys and backwards conversations

I am listening to two guys who speak Spanish, one may be basque, the other I am not sure... But they are speaking English because they are trying to practice their English.  They are talking about how it is impossible to get a basque girl to have "fuck" with you.   The one is disagreeing, but it sounds like he half agrees he just wants to make the point.  

Dublin is not a great city for meeting people if you are me.  I go out all day and do tourist things, or shop, or sit around in the hostel, and regardless I can't find anyone to talk to.  And then this lady started talking to me, and didn't stop... And I wondered if she was having the same problem.  I wouldn't say it was much of  a conversation, because I barely got to speak, or ask questions of comment on what she said... But I did hear a lot from her. About her childhood, about her job, about the states she was from... About the state of things.  I was trying to figure out her accent the whole time. Her son also had a difficult accent to place.  She spoke of living all over the states, and spoke German, but part of me felt like she was just making things up the whole time. I think it's just that reality is sometimes stranger than made up stories.

One of these guys seems to have no respect for other people, meanwhile demanding respect from them. Maybe it's an odd sense of humor. 

Tomorrow more tourist stuff... Book of Kells and what not.   The next day a day trip... Then I leave.

I don't really know what to say beyond that.  Looking forward to seeing homies at home...

Looking forward to dinners and coffee without having to worry even in the slightest about money.  Looking forward to work.

Not looking forward to the same problems at home that I am facing here.   Liking people who are far away, and not liking anyone in the way I want, where I want, with the time and energy and exuberance or whatever that I want.

And.   I'm. Out. 

Update from the airport. I am at Dublin airport with a few hours till my flight.  Yesterday was a lot of fun, I made a sort of last minute decision to be a cow. It made people smile. 

Hung out with a Texan who had just started backpacking. He asked me for my info last night and I told him I'd write it down and then didn't. He was nice, I just don't imagine I will hang with him ever again. So what's the point. 

I am super tired.    

Lolly gagging

Chillin at Starbucks sipping on gin and juice or my equivalent of hardcore kick ass coffee!   The locals can't make food filter coffee - it is always burnt and Americanos are ok, but not always what in lookin for.  I'm a talkative one today. Full of jokes and wonder.   I couldn't sleep for a long while last night and had all sorts of revelations about myself, Ireland, reasons for my mood and whatnot.   The short of it was that I hadn't actually had a conversation in days.  The long of it was that I fear the crossroads I'm at, I don't like the not knowing - where I should put my time and energy.  I've been writing this German girl for why?   I've been maintaining a relationship with Becky who doesn't need me, I've been abandoning friends at home, and missing friends who have moved on with their lives.   

Where do I go? Naked And confused and questioning "will i ever, discover why i live and die?" and then the intermission (hair).   

So I'm caught  with many opportunities and no clear direction. My life could become something completely different by next year or I could fall back into old patterns.   But where is the someone?

On Ireland, I was thinking about the dramatic differences between the unemployed and under educated Catholics who started fighting for their rights in Derry by throwing bricks and setting up barricades, vs the high security   Fences and militant discipline of the protestant militias.   The police walked away because they knew there wouldn't be trouble, they had already contained it. It wasn't just a crowd of rowdies, it was specifics, it was access points and leaders.   These boys aren't long haired hippies who want votes, these boys go through combat exercises on the weekends. This is their legacy, painted on every wall and written in every history book. The Shankill boys become soldiers, the backbone of britains ulster. In every war they sign up when no other Irish do. Their marches all celebrate battles won,  soldiers fallen, their legacy is war, their neighborhood is practically a fort. High walls, barbed wire, flags everywhere.  This is home base.  So the police can worry about a handful of troublemakers now and then, but they also know these are their men... Maybe once removed, but should trouble arise, they will fight to their deaths for Britain.

loathing in lagan's bed.

Yea.  For tired turning in on ones self

Coco wrote me a nice little German message about why she liked me... It seemed she thought I was honest and caring, and not shallow and all sorts of positive things... And there is something in me that wants to respond.  -you've got it all wrong, I'm scum.   

And there is something in me that wants to prove it in other terrible ways too, as if someone liking me even a little is too much.   

I have a few days left in Ireland, headed to Dublin tomorrow probably until I fly out later this week.   Eagan just wrote me and said he is flying to Ireland on the same day I fly out. 

I don't really hang with him anymore but it'd have been fun to have a night, earlier today. Was thinking I  haven't heard any live versions of finnigans wake. 

Why do I only like people unavailable to me?   And why when someone likes me, do I want to prove them wrong. 

Some things are unexpected at 29

This is one of those things that i shouldn't post but will because of the oddness of the experience. nocturnal emissions: apparently 3 weeks is too long for my body to go without release.   Maybe I shouldn't stay in mixed dorms.   

Natural highs

Well galway is fan fu king tastic.    - I'm leaving that auto corrected because it is funny.  

Tonight I heard some of the best fiddle playin ever... Traditional Irish songs on fiddle guitar and banjo.  A wonderful jam band who plays funk.  A bunch of acoustic rock bands.   Great street performers.   Just a beautiful night of dancing and rocking out.   

Also coco friended me on Facebook and I don't really care that she is taken.  I just like the idea she looked me up.   I am usually the stalker.

Connemara tomorrow. 

Evening in cork

I got into cork a few hours ago, I am occasionally posting here, sometime other blogs. Keeping two journals and making th videos Long the way... So. Forget what I post/write where... So forgive me for overlapping. I am on my own again, backpacking through Ireland instead of touristing. It feels better, despite not having the ever present social dynamics... But on that tour things kind of broke down into a lot of cliques... Which was dumb. 

I love reading things I've typed n iPad or iPhone because they sound like I don't speak English as a first language... The auto correct s wonderful 

Yesterday I spent my time in Kilkenny a small town (though out side of Dublin and Belfast they are all small).  Kilkenny was historically a very important medieval town with a vastly And lots of abbeys and cathedrals and whatnot.   I hung out with a bunch of Spanish speakers and had a good night out.   I have been spoiled on this trip now...  A bunch of nice cats to hang with, and I am up to my third crush already...  Spoiled. I wrote a poem about this last one, or rather about the feeling having a crush when you are supposed to be interested in a country.  It's over on the poetry blog if you're interested. 

But since that blog is mostly poems... I kind of wanted to write down some funny things about the lady...  Just because she keeps coming t mind.    And no I don't think. Will ever hear from her again,  and no I don't really know if she was interested in me, but she did seem to have those light up eyes.

So lets start there.   Light up blue eyes, the kind that melt you, the kind that have too much power, and their absence makes you yearn, and their presence makes you weak-willed to do anything else but stare.   Blonde hair, weird because I don't usually like blondes, but I suppose the cute ones can be exceptions. Small, too small really, she looked fragile, sometimes a little awkward,  which was cute. Especially when she danced or stretched... She looked awkward and cute, like she knew that it didn't look right, but enjoyed being funny.   Funny, she was ridiculously funny, in both a nice and a weird way, and that made me like her more. At one point when we touring blarney castle she made a joke about pushing me down the stairs and then proceeded to carry that joke, all the little ways she would kill me all the rest of the day.   On a similar note, she thought it was funny that I ate a lot of candy and after I taught her how to make balloon animals she accused me of trying to get  children into my van, her and her friends then made jokes about my pet rabbit.   Caring,    When she asked questions, when you were saying something important she listened deeply, asked questions, showed she was interested.  Fun,  she liked the same music and liked to dance.  Good friends, had a lot of fun together. Very affectionate, both with me and her friends,  if I hadn't been from Minnesota I would have made a move. But I am too shy... She was so touchy in a friendly way, like I had known her for years.   A history teacher.   Though we didn't talk about that much. 

Her and her friends were from an area of Germany where people are very cold, stern,   Minnesotan...  But within a few ours of hanging out I realized they were All very warm, fun, happy... I thoug t was sad the other people on the tour didn't see that side f them much... I guess there were language barriers that some people weren't willing t adapt to.  I can't imagine translating that much in loud places when you are drunk. 

For perspectives sake, I don't know this woman at all, she doesn't like long hair on men, I'm pretty sure she thought I was incredibly weird, she smokes, and drinks a lot.  She has an allergy to fructose, s she cant eat candy.  She is determined to kill me. I don't have her contact details and I actually don't even really know her name...   I called her what it sounded like her friends called her. I'm pretty sure her real name was karina... But wh knows.

Anyway the other crushes were a German in Manchester who was too young, and a tour guide in Dublin who was in a relationship.   

But I'd love if this continued.   Maybe I can meet a Galway girl with black hair and blue eyes. 

The thing with the German was that it felt like chemistry, where as the others didn't have time to pan out to anything at all. The tour guide was a rockstar crush, the other one was just a cute pretty girl.   

This one was real conversation, too many smiles and prolonged eye contact. 

AM. thoughts

Last day of the tour 

I should be able to slow down and do some writing and drawing After this.  My bag is full of dirty clothes so if I can't find a way to get my laundry done tonight im buying some.  We have just a few stops today and then end the tour back in Dublin. Tomorrow I am going to Kilkenny and  to cork the following day.  Then perhaps Galway again followed by Belfast in essence retracing much of the path I've been on.  I think this tour significantly shortened the amount of time I needed in Ireland and I was even questioning whether I should quick book a flight to some other country for a few days.  

The group dynamics on this trip have really bugged me.  There are 5 sorority girls who mostly stick to themselves or the people they deem cool enough to hang with.  It seems subconscious in how easily they write people off.  There are two Australian couples who everyone gets along with.  There are two Australian sisters that can either be the center of the group dynamics or subtely sabotaging them.  There are 4 older women who mostly do their own thing but occasionally have fun with the rest of us.  And seem to be easy going.  There are two Canadians who we just picked up, they seem alright and then there are three Germans I've been hanging with who I realy enjoy.   Pretty sure I have a crush on one of them but.  Today is the last day so...