Lolly gagging

Chillin at Starbucks sipping on gin and juice or my equivalent of hardcore kick ass coffee!   The locals can't make food filter coffee - it is always burnt and Americanos are ok, but not always what in lookin for.  I'm a talkative one today. Full of jokes and wonder.   I couldn't sleep for a long while last night and had all sorts of revelations about myself, Ireland, reasons for my mood and whatnot.   The short of it was that I hadn't actually had a conversation in days.  The long of it was that I fear the crossroads I'm at, I don't like the not knowing - where I should put my time and energy.  I've been writing this German girl for why?   I've been maintaining a relationship with Becky who doesn't need me, I've been abandoning friends at home, and missing friends who have moved on with their lives.   

Where do I go? Naked And confused and questioning "will i ever, discover why i live and die?" and then the intermission (hair).   

So I'm caught  with many opportunities and no clear direction. My life could become something completely different by next year or I could fall back into old patterns.   But where is the someone?

On Ireland, I was thinking about the dramatic differences between the unemployed and under educated Catholics who started fighting for their rights in Derry by throwing bricks and setting up barricades, vs the high security   Fences and militant discipline of the protestant militias.   The police walked away because they knew there wouldn't be trouble, they had already contained it. It wasn't just a crowd of rowdies, it was specifics, it was access points and leaders.   These boys aren't long haired hippies who want votes, these boys go through combat exercises on the weekends. This is their legacy, painted on every wall and written in every history book. The Shankill boys become soldiers, the backbone of britains ulster. In every war they sign up when no other Irish do. Their marches all celebrate battles won,  soldiers fallen, their legacy is war, their neighborhood is practically a fort. High walls, barbed wire, flags everywhere.  This is home base.  So the police can worry about a handful of troublemakers now and then, but they also know these are their men... Maybe once removed, but should trouble arise, they will fight to their deaths for Britain.