Illusion.

I've been reading the Ram Dass book "Be Love Now"  which is part memoir and part spiritual teachings. At the point in his life that he is writing from, he describes most of his spiritual beliefs through the relationship with his guru, who is projected as being very Christ like. Always loving and serving, not trying to build power, but acting on each person is subtle ways.

Its funny how it makes Christianity more palatable for me.  The idea of Christ as a guru, an enlightened, or almost enlightened person who is simply trying to help others get to that point makes a lot more sense to me than what Christianity has become. In fact the words he uses are almost interchangeable with the words of the Hindu teachers.

Ram Dass writes that because everyone comes to his Guru with a different set of karmic baggage, they all perceive him completely differently. They talk and gossip about the Guru, exchanging stories and rumors to try to understand him better. They also all walk away and teach differently based on their own perceptions. So Ram Dass describes how he spent much of his time immediately following his first trip teaching about love from an ego based perspective, he simply wasn't ready to actually feel the love and reflect it from his heart. He could talk through it consciously, and connect to it on that level, but it wasn't until much later that he was able to open his heart, and also to teach from the heart.

He also describes how early in his own devotion, he was obsessed with the physical form, the physical presence of his Guru, but later he and others, almost preferred to be separate because their senses wouldn't be so demanding. They were able to understand and reflect the teachings better when their senses and desires weren't interfering.

Sometimes when I am reading it, I desire the relationship he has with his Guru. A loving mentor who plays many roles. Other times I am irritated with the writing because (as he interpreted it at the time) he is so obsessed with the personhood of his guru, that it feels he has forgotten the truth of the teachings. That is to say, his Guru is only his Guru because he is reflecting the love and oneness of God (the universe, etc). So when he writes over and over about the Guru, I keep imagining the man, instead of what he means, which is "God reaches out to me through this image."

Other times he clarifies, that his Guru acted out of love, because he was able to see everyone else as God (as well). He was simply reflecting like a mirror the oneness, love and compassion that is the only truth. His Guru was able to see the reality, where as everyone else was caught up in the delusion still, his job was to subtly lead them to their true self.

One of the metaphors that he uses I found particularly helpful. He describes the oneness as the ocean, and when you think of yourself in the ocean, the ocean can be brutal and beat down on you. It wants to dissolve you into it and once you are a part of it, it will be blissful. But because you see yourself as separate, life can be painful, disappointing, exhausting. The Guru then acts as a guide to help you melt back into the ocean.

He describes though that it is very tricky. Our egos cling to our form and the meaning we make of things and experiences.  We bring a cup and ask for the ocean, we want it separate. We want to hold our holy moments in our hands, so we can reflect on them, become nostalgic for them etc. Like holding on to our memories of an event rather than just living out the love of the event infinitely.

I've been thinking a lot about how I feel so separate from other people. I also feel separate from parts of myself, parts that I look back and see existed, but I've forgotten how to access. In eastern religions, I am still that, but the illusion that I am not is what causes me suffering, causes me dis-ease. It is my ego, and the fact the I cling to these disillusions that keeps me from being it, and yet... there I am.

In church this morning I was thinking of running out a little early. There is a part at the end where you hold hands with people and sort of share a blessing. It always makes me feel good, but also like most hand-holding, leaves me feeling nervous.

Its strange how much anxiety I have interacting with other people, especially considering within my belief system they are not separate.

Sometimes when I walk around the lake, I envision that each person I see is the face of God, its a lovely little walking prayer, that sometimes centers me in that love...
But I am easily distracted. I yearn and desire. I reach and question.

A few weeks ago I got excited to go back to school. It felt like the right path. Now I am questioning again. Part of me wonders if I should leave the country again. Part of me wants to be isolated and learn how to deal with myself... become desperate until I need to reach out.

When I think of the best of myselves, I hardly recognize them in me currently.
I want to feel good about myself in the way I interact with others... but I just don't feel called.

I am not wrapped up in love the way I feel I should be. Nor do I feel capable of asking for it. Nor do I feel a desire to ask anyone...

Its a strong illusion.


I wonder if this is why I feel called to Shiva and not Vishnu. The compassionate ever present sustaining growth and love, versus the much more eventful...

Dreams

In the dream it was like I was meeting aliens. There were two of them, it felt strange but not entirely uncomfortable... They were friendly, like seeing cousins you haven't see in a long time. 

When I saw the first one, I thought it was the only one... I wasn't yet aware of the other. The other had a had on or something, maybe this one did too, and when it revealed its head I saw that it had two ears sticking out from the top of its head. 

It wasn't unattractive, they were long like a mix of a bunny and a cat, and they wound and twisted and seemed to be able to move on command or instinct. At first they seemed so natural that it made me think that this was the normal state of a person... Then I noticed the human like ears on the side of their head and I was again reminded of what humans look like: if this was a human, it was a different kind of human, the shape of the ears took on a different fascination, aesthetically I wanted to understand how they fit in. I wanted to know the physiology that shaped them... And t was while I was talking to the alien like being that the second showed up. 

This one also seemed fascinated, but as much with me and the other as with its own adaptations....

It took off its hat, and it's forehead changed, opened up, revealing its "third eye" which instead of looking like an eye looked like a sort of void with a fluffy fringe protecting it. 

The alien was not disturbed by it, but sort of remembering that it could do that... Like  "oh yeah, this happens."

It's a funny set of images...

I remember wanting to spend more time with them, I was fascinated and a little disturbed. 

I woke up and thought that they should be characters in my novel, but now that I'm reading spiritual stuff again it makes me wonder about characteristics I'm developing in myself, what am I acknowledging, pursuing eye?

Am I listening? An I seeing beyond?

Will I pursue that? 

Reconnecting with the heart

Sometime recently I made this decision to try to reconnect with my heart. To open up and let it emote and care again. I am still shy and introverted, still sure that it will not help me to reach out for some unknown reason... but its been locking itself away for years now and that sucks.

So far i've just been a little more aware of beautiful things, a little more touched by songs and good dialogue and good writing.

But I hope that one day I will be comfortable enough in myself to share my positive and negative thoughts and feelings without having to triple check them every time. To be comfortable enough in my own skin, and trusting enough in my relationships that I can be open and honest, compassionate empathetic and loving.

I am hoping that this reiki stuff along with my renewed interest in eastern religious concepts can help me with this... I am hoping that getting more involved (mctc in January, potentially grad school in the fall, going to church etc) will help bring a sense of community, or roots here that i haven't felt in a while. I think I am going to commit to the twin cities. Other places appeal, but I don't have a calling, or a real longing to go. I want community and since I've had it here in the past, and I am aware of the place... maybe I can have it again.

Making friends is hard.
Loving people is hard.
Trusting people is hard.
Caring and giving are hard.
But they're worth it.
Without a little challenge, life seems colorless, dull and dismal.

In the Middle

I just got a weird email from my Mom basically asking why I never want to hang out.
My Dad gave me shit this week for prioritizing a friend's concrete offer to hang out over his non-committal. My boss sent out a text saying we haven't been smiley enough at work. I just had a conversation with a former co-worker who is still in the middle of it all, he was trying to prepare me for some of what I might experience in Grad School.

I think I am going to sign up for a Masters in Social Work program at Augsburg. I still have a lot to figure out, but work is not fulfilling. Writing is hard to concentrate too much on, and I don't see myself forming a community here or having a reason to stay if I don't get involved in something new.

Might have to take biology at mctc, maybe a spanish class too. Why not?

Its hard to be in the same physical space with people who aren't in the same head/heart space.

I don't know what to do about that. Investing in myself has meant getting further away from others...
that wasn't the goal, but as much as I am concerned about it, I don't mind not feeling ashamed of myself for not fulfilling these crazy expectations I used to have of myself.

I am annoyed with writers block. I have some scenes I am working on that just don't feel right... and its hard to move on to something else when you're already feeling disappointed with what you've done.