i have like three poems due by wednesday that i havent written and they will probably be crap...

i got the homework for 2 of 3 classes done for tuesday tonight which feels good.. but tomorrow is the vegan potluck, here (come around 7:00ish)
and i have my biggest assignment for the one class i have left... i know we are supposed to have multiple scholarly sources... i think?
its a cultureal product paper (what does this artistic expression tell you about the culture?) mine is a song by the clash called "something about england" so far what i have is, I know the band and some of their music, I know what punk is and what not... i know a little bit about the social climate of britain during the time... and i know the lyrics which seems to be almost self explanatory for the assignment...
oh and a video interview from youtube... which was funny

but what i need is a scholarly source on punk music, or the clash in particular... and i havent even started looking for that.

They say immigrants steal the hubcaps
Of the respected gentlemen
They say it would be wine an' roses
If england were for englishmen again

Well i saw a dirty overcoat
At the foot of the pillar of the road
Propped inside was an old man
Whom time would not erode
When the night was snapped by sirens
Those blue lights circled fast
The dancehall called for an' ambulance
The bars all closed up fast

My silence gazing at the ceiling
While roaming the single room
I thought the old man could help me
If he could explain the gloom
You really think it's all new
You really think about it too
The old man scoffed as he spoke to me
I'll tell you a thing or two

I missed the fourteen-eighteen war
But not the sorrow afterwards
With my father dead and my mother ran off
My brothers took the pay of hoods
The twenties turned the north was dead
The hunger strike came marching south
At the garden party not a word was said
The ladies lifted cake to their mouths

The next war began and my ship sailed
With battle orders writ in bed
In five long years of bullets and shells
We left tem million dead
The few returned to old piccadily
We limped around leicster square
The world was busy rebuilding itself
The architects could not care

But how could we know when i was young
All the canges that were to come?
All the photos in the wallets on the battlefield
And now the terror of the scientific sun
There was masters an' servants an' servants an' dogs
They taught you how to touch your cap
But through strikes an' famine an' war an' peace
England never closed this gap

So leave me now the moon is up
But remember all the tales i tell
The memories that you have dredged up
Are on letters forwarded from hell

The streets were by now deserted
The gangs had trudged off home
The lights clicked off in the bedsits
An' old england was all alone


i hope i didnt already put this on here... i have no memory for what i post and what i dont...
also sometimes u cant go to bed till you hear the right song, and it just hasnt come on yet (thus it is 4 am)
ok its gonna be this one... together forever by best friends forever... the band alicia described as girls screaming on top of eachother...

"I, I, I, I love the way that you move me, and I, you, you make me so happy, and I, I, I write so many songs for all the people, that mean so much less to me"

goodnight yous.
thanks for the love

on feeling better (for whoever that comment was from, you guys are silly... add a couple letters)

well it helps that i was never feeling that bad about anything...
and didnt have any significant reason for feeling bad.

but I think the biggest change has just been being more and more open to possibilities, but not going fast, or pushing for something better... accepting what is... I guess thats also why yesterday, this weekend was a little bittersweet. because there is a big part of me that gets caught up in ideas (that seemed rushed) but i also know i need to be safe. (a little in-fighting)

anyway... i think most of this started very subtly around winter break... but intensified more and more, and just made me very open to all these wonderful people i am meeting for the first time, or who i have always really enjoyed but never got to hang with much... lots of blessings in the form of other people being open to asking me to join them (i could hint here, but maybe i will just thank them tomorrow, or the next day) and people liking to talk. its nice to be meeting people, or enjoying the company of others, it feels right and natural and good. it reminds me who i am, and i think thats why im doing aight... because all of a sudden i realize there is a world of wonderful people who i can care about, and who care about me not just one of two. and thats something i think i lose track of sometimes...
last night while walking on the street people randomly coming this way and that called out my name 3 times... people from classes, just saying hi. and it was really amazing, just sort of being acknowledged at random... the nice things a "hey" can do of course they all called me by my name... which seems even more personal... made me feel welcome. So a breath of fresh air. a breath of fresh people smell... and they smell good, and beautiful and right.

its easy to share with people how wonderful they are when u are feeling good about life... i hope i can remember to do that when im not... or rather i also hope im letting enough people know... if i havent said anything.. you are beautiful.

totally havin one of those want to have the cake and eat it too nights. and its silly and stupid.
things are really nice, want more, know that that cant happen right now.
really glad how life is working out though. Feel like things will work no matter what.. lots of faith.

manana, i gots mucho homework...
im gonna go pass out. peace to you.

Response to Night and Fog (a movie shown in my modern europe class)


I’m a human being, a pacifist and a student of history. Knowing that we would be learning/discussing the holocaust meant a lot to me, and I was aware that I wanted something more personal from class that day. I hoped that the movie or the lecture or something would hit me hard emotionally. I didn’t want a contrived and fake emotional experience; I wanted to have a moment where the reality of human history at its most horrible actually meant something to me as more than just a historical fact. A week earlier I teared up when thinking about the eastern front and the thousands, millions killed senselessly. A year earlier I visited the remains of two of the camps where some of the atrocities in Night and Fog took place.
Night and Fog is a very simple movie about something very complex and does not do it justice (though I’m not sure what could), but that does not take away from the importance of the film. Like visiting the camp today, there is no way you can understand what happened there, there is no possible way you can re-experience the crimes, the freezing cold, the burning heat, the exhaustion, confusion, depression, starvation, survival induced selfishness, loss of family and friends, loss of purpose or any of the other terrible human induced horrors described in the movie, nor would anyone want to but this does not mean that you shouldn’t go to see the camps, or try to empathize.
The beginning of the movie shows much of the grounds of Auschwitz, the fields with overgrown grass and flowers which used to be mud as Alain Resnais describes how different it looks. Similarly when you go today, its hard to imagine what it used to look like, the buildings of some of the camps are torn down, the roads ripped up, the crematoriums and gas chambers destroyed and of course all of this is shown in the film, but the film is also able to remind us of what it looked like before, and both the pleasant and terrible scenes are important to be reminded of.
I don’t know that the focus of Resnais’ film is as important now as it was at the time. The movie seemed to be about remembering and assigning blame. But now it serves a different purpose, a purpose that is perhaps harder even than assigning blame, the purpose of remembering and taking on the responsibility to never allow such things to happen again.

In Warsaw, a friend and I asked some Polish college students, anarchist activists really, where we could go to find the death camps. We were baffled when they couldn’t tell us anything but, “Auschwitz.” “Weren’t there like a lot of them?” we asked. “Well yeah, but there isn’t anything left of them.” they told us. “Nothing? Have you been there? Can you describe them?” we asked. “There is like a plaque in a field, nothing to look at.” And then we asked them why… and they said they didn’t know, maybe because no one knew, or no one wanted to remember. They saved Auschwitz, but they assumed that polish people didn’t go there except on school trips when they were young –when they were too young to really understand. When we asked them what they knew about the camps before and about the people murdered, one of them said he could call his friend and ask, his friend knew things about Jewish people but most people didn’t. They knew about Soviets, and capitalists, and Catholics, and the police and fighting against the police when the police were corrupt, but these 20-somethings didn’t know about Nazis, and they didn’t know about Jews, they had been told about the ghetto being burned down and read the plaques commemorating the uprising and they had lived in the city their whole lives, but didn’t know what had happened in their country 60 years earlier. And we were baffled.
I bring this up to talk about the necessity of remembering, of trying to learn about things that are important, even if they are painful. I got the impression from these students that no one wanted to tell them what went on, perhaps it was too hard, perhaps they had struggled so much in-between to build something new, or struggled against the new power that had forced itself upon them. Whatever the case, it shocked me that a society could so easily forget.
Later in my trip while in Sarajevo I met the nicest, most politically correct guys I had ever met in my life. They went to school in Bavaria, but weren’t proud to represent that state. They humbly and un-presumptuously examined and reexamined every question and answer to make sure they weren’t misrepresenting anything. So when I asked them why they weren’t proud to be Bavarian, they were reluctant to let their beliefs about their state out. After a few beers, they mentioned that they weren’t proud of the conservative and even pro-Nazi stance that much of the population of their region believed in. They were horrified, but were quick to explain how hard it was for their grandparents and even their parents to overcome the beliefs and values they had grown up with especially at times of economic crisis. They said that the people don’t understand why they can’t be proud of their history, their country. They mentioned how even they (progressive politically correct medical students) struggle with it too, but had always been taught to never forget what could happen when hatred and nationalism come together. (They were on a trip to Croatia, Bosnia and Serbia for the same reason I was, to study how the people dealt with the war). These men could never be mistaken for Nazis, overly sympathetic-overly kind and yet they couldn’t claim their heritage because of the atrocities committed by their grandparents’ generation.
I’m not exactly sure why I wanted to include this story except to talk about how remembering isn’t easy for people, even those who wish to make things better. But I found it interesting how these young German Bavarian men grew up knowing their history and wanting to make something better, more peaceful, more encompassing of different viewpoints and different customs. While the Polish students who did not know much history beyond their parents generation, were quick to announce their anti capitalist views, their anti socialist views, their anti catholic views, their anti police views… but they didn’t know what exactly they stood for, except the deconstruction of their society through whatever means. OF COURSE this is an over simplification of socio-politics, psychology and more… of course this ignores the vast numbers of Polish and German youth who have differing ideals, I just thought it was interesting what growing up knowing about the suffering your people have inflicted or had inflicted upon them can do to a persons outlook on life.
I guess this mimics my own personal beliefs. I may have always had similar values but I wasn’t sure why or how much I believed in them until they were tested by knowledge and experience that was quite painful and traumatic. These influences though, are some of my most cherished memories, the periods in my life that I feel the most proud of. They have served to teach me, not only about myself, but about what and who is outside of me, and the similarities between all people. This is why I think it’s important to make and watch films like Night and Fog, they may not be able to do the situation justice, but they help remind us of painful but helpful things we can learn.
Scenes in Night and Fog that are particularly hard to watch: pictures, videos and descriptions of the captive people, those who were about to be murdered, the places they were tortured, the places they were killed, the masses of material wealth derived from their dead bodies… are all things that are hard to watch, and yet it is only by acknowledging that we remember and keep it from happening again.
This last part is really important, because although the movie may have been documenting one particular period in human history, the backdrop of: green fields, brick, wood and cement housing, factories, modern looking cities, towns and farms, people that look like us, etc, remind us that the horrors depicted in the more horrific scenes all happened in a place that was very similar to our world today. The guns, tanks, planes, bombs, poisons, crimes, racism and abuse of power are all still with us today and it is this very important realization in the viewers that is really significant… because seeing these things, and the people who accompany them in these pictures and videos remind us that they are us. Different faces of humanity, aggressive/abusive, selfish, hateful or caring, selfless, helpful, accommodating- all human. The best part about the movie is that instead of showing the politics and morality of the Nazi’s alone, it showed the morality of the choices and actions humans are capable of good and bad, and so, although it may assign guilt to the Nazi’s, in essence movies like Night and Fog due to the projection of shared characteristics of humanity, require all people to take responsibility.






Sorry for all the run on sentences, I know my points are fairly obvious, but I guess the importance of the movie was more important to me than talking about whether it was a good representation, it is a good representation because it makes us remember the importance of such things.

lately i have been having a lot of those awkward moral dilemna in my head moments like flight of the conchords talks about in "she so hot, boom"

shes so hot I have to tell her how hot she is, but if i tell her how hot she is she'll think im sexist, shes so hot shes making me sexist -without the next word


and of course i dont mean hot, sexy whatever... i mean pretty, spring man... it brings out an extra little spark in peoples eyes and smiles, so radiant...

but i dont like being overcome while looking at my friends, with thoughts like "wow i really wanna say she looks pretty" because that seems so stupid and shallow.

check this out if you have 10 mins, its a pretty good read

back to liberal feminism

"I do dream you
Allow me
to believe you
are the real me

I see you breathing under water
See you on both sides of a door

I didn't mean you
to fathom what you bought
I'm away, Im Away
and anywhere should suffice

Every life filled
with what will be
If my own will
is from me

How do I take another mirror
How do I drink the whole shore
I do greet you
And slam the door
in your face
You come in anyways
It's a long, long time before
this takes place

I answer these questions now
As to why I'm the only one
Who carries answers to their fathers
Who carries gray sky to the sun
I'm not the railway
I leave all of it to the air
Passing highway's traffic
while just lying there
Carry me away
Come in anyways
Both sides of the door
The closed and open door...." some trippy lyrics from jf "away and anyware"


i got shit to do...

onb a different note, melissa confirmed that my hair looks very normal now... and im really unhappy with it. but it is at that length where everything starts to look the same, and puffy. no one is ever happy with that length... just gotta work through it like the other things.

5 cds in 2 days... 1 by a group called best friends forever, I wasnt exactly captured by them at first, but their energy and smiles really caught me, and then i started listening to the simple melodies, the focused drum beats, the conversational songs between the 2 singers... more and more I fell for them. Its weird to get caught up in the crowd of happiness... its really weird because you dont feel you should trust this emotion but its a little too nice to ignore.
thats sort of how i have been feeling socializing lately... all these really cool people and it bothers me that it took so long to get back in to that. makes me think I missed out on some morris, but maybe its just the spring. but on a second level I start to think... I am looking forward to shows in minneapolis, looking forward to random parties and meeting cool people. I know people start to get a little pretentious in the cities... but there is a lot of heart under the fluff sometimes.
and my pants are decorated more and more by the day.... too bad my feet smell.

Lex said some things that I think were good for me to hear but sort of crystalized are different perspectives.. sort of a push pull girl.
Im really not sure what to do on that one, I feel like my values and beleifs tell me there is always room for more tries, I feel like the armor my heart has put up is telling me enough is enough. ut depending on my mood they both sway with the emotions. and thus i think i have to wait till im in a less stressful time to decide these things. but honesty is very blunt, and sometimes not something im used to, so i question my own thoughts. what do you mean you dont always like someone? what does it mean to not be ok with certain aspects of someone you care about? i dont know... but i guess thats what i been sent here to figure out... in the meantime, im glad for the company of morris peers, fresh beautiful faces, grins and embarassment with lack of shame. why shame ourselves, we make the rules now.

If you want to watch something completely ridiculous check out Wizard of Oz 3 – UNCENSORED on youtube…. Its pretty crazy

i'll bet you 5 million dollars you cant guess the ending.

lord knows i hate secrets...
in the mean time, my tummy hurts from too much sugar but who can resist frosting on graham crackers?

my reflection on this movie on the holocaust is taking longer than i hoped...i dont know what to say, how much should i talk about personal stuff, how much should i talk about places i have been... should i say anything at all? its a reflection...
i guess i really dont know what i want to say. I cried in class and talked to the prof a little about it afterward, so its a little tempting to make the paper try to be something meaningful, but at the same time its supposed to be a 2-3 page paper on the representation of history. my idea would be to try to incorporate the idea of memory, importance of remembering -actively seeking understanding... because in this case its so important.



this weekend is gonna suck... im supposed to go to at least 5 events, and i have a paper and a presentation on monday and tuesday.

wednesday me and alicia are going out with professor shorb again for dinner, it sounds funny, but it was a lot of fun last time.
anywho.
thats the scoop
i got nothing else that im able to talk about.
peace

For a moment I started feeling like my eyes might actually tear up, and I questioned what could move me so, it might have been pride. yes pride, that our arguments, our courage might have moved them so
to reclaim, to be courageous, to rebel against prejudice, to make something ours. but moments later I left that little room, probably a room I will never see again, and followed behind exhausted and frustrated women, feeling only guilt and shame

for if we cant all reclaim the word and make it our own... is it a victory at all?

Well i got one paper done, and 1 class of reading, and that leaves 1 paper and 2 classes of reading for tomorrow... of course i never do that one class, and the other class i tend to do find by just reading in class... but what if there is a quiz? we are about due.

im really starting to looking forward to being done with this bs... out in the real world there will doubtless be set backs, but at least i can see where my energy is being spent... this whole wait 3-4 months and then find out you graduate shit is bs.

In other news, I started doing the whole peace sign on my face thing that i did senior year... and now i feel sad that i havent done it the whole time.
its just too important to forget. i got one on my arm that is for me... but for everyone else, a reminder.

josh returned, we didnt know where he went, but a week later he returned sayng simply that he had some stuff to take care of at home.

* I was thinking about going out to cali and mexico for no reason.

* I was thinking there are now 4 couples i want to work out. James and julie, pete and kiera, amber and jason, julene and huck... thats cuz of what julene told me a couple days ago.
this isnt to say im not happy for other couples... i guess i have just seen enough to be impressed by these ones.

* baker london is too damn catchy.... they got like 15 songs i like on two cds... and the others are nice too... damn them and their fucking antics.

-in considering that, i seem more and more like im toning it down to just a few bands at a time... fiona and baker london and regina and i guess atmosphere this morning..... i spose a little rage against the machine when im rocking out.. big wu studying,j cash when i was napping... ok nevermind, thats enough ranting bout music for now, though this morning i came to the conclusion that dispatch is so much better live than studio shit...

whatever you.

You ever wake up already feeling drained and and and lonely?
as if you didnt go to bed alone, but you woke up so alone. So aware that you are the only one to handle your load... and its not that you necessarily feel left out, or unappreciated or unsupported... no i actually woke up and got a nice reassuring e mail from a prof, but this feeling makes me wonder what my purpose is -or what i want it to be.... makes me wonder why the things i did put time and energy in to never paid off, or why that shouldnt matter. it does matter... does it?

my room is cold, and i wish i had someone i loved in my bed, the thought had occured that i have met my fill of possible dating canidates, and im quite aware that i will find no more on this campus... i mean even if i did like someone -i wouldnt date them.
but mainly i havent been in any position where dating, or a specific person seemed to be where im at, or where im going. and thus friends friends friends and i really enjoy all these people. but they are not bed fillers, they are not warmth when you wake and need reassurance.

I've gotten to the point where Im not sure i can blame others for their decisions on these sorts of issues, but im so much more aware that I shouldnt take bullshit for my decisions, they have left me in a relatively healthy position, comfortable, supported to some degree, and even my obsessiveness over relationships long past doesnt seem so bad when compared to decisions i could have made.

lonely but alright, sad but ok, maybe after this summer, or when I get a job, or whenever -i can start to think about those kinds of decisions again, when im secure or secure enough.

hhmmmm what to say? some things seem so trivial when faced with much larger pictures like the death and suffering of so many, and yet -isnt all life worthy of being recorded?
why did i turn the music off to write?

plaid party. i was the winner or something according to ms wood meaning i rocked a weird shirt and because im not afraid to make a fool of myself, i rocked a pair of boxers over my pants, thus having two items that were matched poorly. go get em suckers.
but i got some cake and some conversation with many a beautiful person. and that was well worth my 5 hours of not doing homework and not stalking random peoples on facebook.
what did you do tonight?

heather jones did I say goodbye or say hello,
heather jones, look like the happiest girl, i've ever known.

why do we have guns?
every day I hear about more and more people dead because of this horrible invention, and yet for some reason some people think it is every person's duty to own one.
I wonder what they say after their kids are killed?
stupid bullshit, we can do so much better.

what a weird day. I talked to both sides of a broken up couple (about different things). heard some news for the first time. hung out with some gentleman im not sure i can trust, but also feel very bonded with because they are so much like me. discussed politics, religion, humanity, feelings, needs, actions, forgiveness, willingness, etc etc.

talked to someone about why it is that we are so wanting to be there for the people who hurt us, while we neglect those who love us.

alicia and i briefly talked about how people are so much more willing to accept that the end of the world is coming, rather than care enough to make something work... to have a goal or dream and pursue it.

bobby kennedy knew he would be assassinated and u can hear it in some of the speeches, not calling out for political solutions, but real life changing solutions, only a person who knows he will die speaks like that.

I am perfectly comfortable with the idea of being that person, as long as someone assures me it will be worth it.

i suppose any soldier must admit that.

the other day i said something about not knowing whats going on in someone elses life and taking them for granted... i think that has come back to me today, as the ultimate reason that self censorship is a good idea sometimes... because although its limiting my voice and i do need to express.. well i shouldnt do so at the cost of someone else right? and what happens if that person is having a bad day? should i speak out because im having a bad day and make someone else join me? no. not while i am incapable of making them feel better.. so if thats the case.. i best keep my mouth shut. and thats the only differences sometimes between what is right and what is human, and i can not blame a person for being human, not when i find humanity beautiful.

so please forgive me when im angry, displaying with violence perhaps my humanity, know that i do so at great cost, knowing full well the concequences and perhaps just at that moment, not being able to burden the weight, and most likely crying out at that loss of all that is good in me... my ability to be ok for you.

Me and Fiona Apple are friends in my dreams, and I make fun of her for not being as witty in person as she is in her music, cuz we are tight enough that she knows i dont mean anything by it. shes silly.

"STOP, look, listen to your heart. Stop, look, listen to the children. The answers been with us from the start, the look in their eyes lets me know Gods willing."
thats a little soul position for ya


but i got a test in islam in a half an hour and though a little unprepaired im not too nervous.
I was writing shit in my head in the shower, a poem i been trying to create for about 8 months or something, a poem about believing in all religions. but i can never quite get it out right so i never write it down.
"1 line at a time 1 rhyme at a time" -(from later in the soul position song)

um the other day I was thinking about how lonely it is to not have a crush on anyone, to not be thinking bout anyone. But its also really necessary right now considering i got no time, and no energy for that shit. Still, im quite optimistic about the future even though i cant really imagine any circumstance right now on meeting anyone. sort of goes along with this need i been feeling for a hug for like 2 weeks now. oh well. that comes and goes. but u cant fake things like hugs, i mean its like a half gesture when u ask right?
hmmm i was thinking about all my girls last night.
missing em.
It sort of sucks that I couldnt share an apartment with any of them. Thats not a fun thought, its like there would be frustration and jealousy issues that I would never want to enter my friendships, its hard enough the way it is.

but the unknown is not always as scary as it seems to be at first. why not drop all ambition and do the bum thing again? i got no cash, so it would be more real. I can write crap poems and drawings on napkins and sell em for a buck (a charity buck) but a buck none the less, and when my rents ask where I have been I can tell em "with my peoples." and when they ask why i aint got no ambition and i have dropped in to nothingness I can tell em im studying to be something beautiful.


its the differences that make us special.

also i think this weekend will be the last one of fun -before we stumble in to the stress filled pissed off shit that comes near the end. and at the end we can give eachother real hugs -though we will have been yelling at eachother all week... and then we can run are ways... and call on the lonely days.

Wondering what the extent of self-censorship should be.

Some lyrics from “The Outerings” by Madhatter

"its time to ask answers,
Why questions always seem out of tune?
and why needle head rockets are friends
tell me they're trips to the moon
where exactly is this place?
and why you have to leave so soon
why we love to hate this place
while the dying sun melts the afternoon

synthesize plastic film eyes,
the last snow bearing down on us
but we try to split time waves,
memories take their turns to rust
and my expanding melodies
are still dodging my caffeine addict thrusts
I’m breathing out shiver clouds, wrapped in glass shrouds
I'm the fool that I entrust
and the others are halfway home by now
I’m the fool I entrust

and its time to ask old questions
why the answers were never cloned in perfect tune
and why phosphoric morning star friends
never found their back to the womb
what exactly is this wasted space
and why we’ve never seen red leaves in June
why we love to hate this place
while the dying sun melts the afternoon”


sorry just enjoying old music

it appears as if i have one less thing to worry about since most of the deadlines were either by feb 15 or april 1 for licensure programs...
um can someone find me a job?

why is there no one up at 3:05 to entertain me?
i mean its one thing when im trying to do homework, its another when im avoiding it. come on people? i blame conservatives. its hot in my room. Mel woke me with a smoothie, that gave me a stomach ache... but it was so good.
krystin is coming friday, we will hopefully do something fun... i might have to wash some sheets and blankets and offer her a real bed.
its actually a really good thing this weekend though mel and josh might be gone, its probably the last weekend that any of us will have any free time. im evemn thinking bout going to a party on monday. need to call schools tomorrow... i was checking out the shit for augsburg and ran in to some problems
-like
do they even have a licensure only program during the week? how long does the weekend one take? whens the application due? where is the application? how much is it?

metro state and river falls never even sent me the info.
I got a gift in the mail from becky and her mom, a really expensive gift, and im sort of reluctant to accept it, or rather i accept it but i assume they meant it for someone else, and im cool with that, I just kind of want to know, and if they didnt... well thats just absurd.

for future reference this is what last semester of senior year looked like.

monday (wed is the same for school work, fri is just islam)
reading 1-2 chapters writing a poem, printing 8 copies, 2 classes, islam is pretty much a lecture with nice pictures and a funny prof (whos not really trying to be funny) i joke with rachel and emily and sometimes meagan who sits next to me but doesnt seem to like me. alison and christina w are in there and they are nice peoples. poetry I sit next to mary, i watch as her and danny boil up with frustration at matt, I hear their comments under their breath (or in mary's case outloud) responding to vicki the teacher... we discuss poetry, we discuss things using terms i dont understand and dont care about. I usually feel quite reluctant about each new assignment but try to stay open minded. the class is fun, full of personality, we chat and have attitude, mary brings it out in me- she makes me feel more rebelious, i am not like that when she isnt there. I guess i naturally cater to underdogs, i forget she is so young, I love her poetry, tracy's too, I am even sometimes surprised by matt's he writes without caring trying to sneak things in, but occasionally stumbles on something really nice. people seem to like my bullshit poetry, the stuff i actually care about no one gets, but they admire the naturalness of the rhyme and rhythm. i like to play around with words, it gives them a kick. i add a lot of jokes in to poems. these are not real poems they are just bullshit but they are fun none the less and they get me a grade and they get me some practice, but i wouldnt ever write about butterflies or seasons or weather or whatever... and i usually find someway around it.... like winter is about falling on your face, spring poems are about the weirdness of anticipation.. my real poems people dont get right away, suit, isaac, polishing the silver... these are too abstract, and they describe abstract concepts and feelings.. so im ok with it.

we go out almost every monday night around 6:00 me and tom and alicia are always there, pizza ranch or china, sometimes old no fun (old number one)
we talk about many a sordid thing.


monday night i panic about all the reading i have for tuesday, modern europe is usually 20-30 pages (light reading, nice) interesting topics we discuss in class. American indians is heavy reading 50-100 pages usually from a couple different books, the reading is dry but occasionally interesting, we are supposed to post comments on a website, we never do. I skip all my soc theory reading, always

modern europe is at 10:00 on tuesdays and thursdays and they go like this,
wake up without enough sleep. stumble in to class, usually late for which im not sure anyone cares, but i sit on the other side of the room so its a little awkward. its a big room, but only about 20 students. I sit next to laurel, for some reason she is usually my favorite person to sit next to in a class... that i can think of anyway... we tend to joke about something when we have the energy... but both of us are usually either really tired, or wired but not on track.... the prof lectures and they are usually really good lectures, just the right amount of info, not a lot extra, the class takes notes though there are no tests. we take them cuz we enjoy the info, it helps us discuss. She likes to incorporate music and pictures which is nice, some weeks we have movies, i have only been to one. the light reading is usually complimented with some in class reading, or a discussion assigment, for which im usually paired up with laurel... we work through things easily, i dont think we ever have really disagreed, usually i think we find ways to compliment eachother's info. when the discussion is opened up to the class level we both talk. the prof likes us. She doesnt seem to like the football boys in the other corner, she always writes off their answers.... which I joke about with one of them in the next class. There are some smart people in the modern europe class and usually things are covered fairly well.. im not sure everyone is getting what i get out of the class... but partially that is because i have never been a modern history person.-so im getting a good refresher.... the stories and patterns fall neatly in to place. I learn, but am not challenged, but thats ok at 10 in the morning when im taking 20 credits and have to sit through 2 more 1 h 40 m classes that day.
we gets a 20 minute break... i usually do nothing during this 20 minutes and its frustrating.
Am indians usually starts late. the prof is a good man, you can tell, but he is long winded sometimes -the way i am when im tired, or passionate, only when im tired i trail off and he keeps going strong, until he has no idea what he is talking about, but sounds legit saying it all. He often tries to convince us of points we could care less about, some historian's argument we have never heard and wouldnt care to rebuff. he is often frustrated that we have not commented. I dont think many people do the reading... we break in to discussions during class, I am with josh (the football player from the last class, another guy who rarely shows and 2 girls, one who somtimes speaks, and another who rarely does) me and josh tend to do some of the reading... only because we know we will be responsible for responding...
I have noticed more and more, that i will almost always talk if the prof asks a question and no one wants to answer... unless i am seriously unaware of the topic... which sometimes happens in this class.. its hard to keep up with the reading. or i am lazy... probably both. but i talk alot so the prof doesnt know, he generally thinks i have good points... all my profs do. some even look to me when things arent going well (the third class is the biggest example of this)
at 2 i have soc theory with a third prof... he is always late as well, but the class is small and none of us care about the subject, we spend a lot of time goofing off and joking amongst ourselves, we also tell the prof to change all the dates of assignments and he does.
the class is mostly lecture (note taking off a screen, with some commentary inbetween) i ask clarifying questions often because he writes the way he speaks, (with an accent) and though i understand what he is saying, i like to see what he really means, which is usually much more in depth than the bullet points be puts on the screen... we give example after example back and forth until we come to some conclusion... the class expects this from me. they dont seem to care, and the prof expects me to fill in gaps in discussion.
it virtually guarantees me an A.

i have no set routines on other nights except on thursdays i go to WRC meetings or discussions. which have become one of my favorite outlets to see people. I really like all the people who show up, and the jokes, and the discussions are usually really fun.
the wrc is losing membership and its really sad. it needs like 10 people who are dedicated... i could write a whole new post on an event i went to today, but the summary would be -the women studies department has no coordination, and they expect students to fill in the gaps, the women studies majors have no leadership and ask for help, but get it only on individual levels, the wrc is a part of this but majors dont come to meetings, and the faculty dont know what is going on with it. there are like 2 other organizations involved but once again loosely coordinated, so it ends up with no one passionate, and no one organized... this for the major/movement that is supposed to inspire at least half the population of the world.

in the next month i have: 2-3 tests, 1 take home final, 3 research papers (sinan the architect, soc theory, and punk music-specifically a clash song *short*) I have 2 response papers to books, 1 response to a movie, 1 discussion section to lead online, 1 portfolio, and all the normal homework to do...events and meetings to attend, plus i have to fill out applications to jobs and schools, and think about where to live.
i graduate in 32 days. its gonna be a fun month, but oh well i have done this shit before.

how bout a little warhead in your abdomen.

i spent like an hour last night adding people on myspace, a limited few but still time consuming.... and then spent the last 30 minutes deleting people on facebook. i have made the mistake before of deleting people and then hanging out with them again.... but msot of these people i hadnt seen in years or probably wont ever again...

I really have to go to class right now, in fact I will probably be late, but I stumbled on to this girls blog, and the 2nd entry was about how her dad had cancer, I would have never known, not that we are good friends, but i wouldnt be so composed given that situation...maybe i would... I dont know. I guess what Im trying to say is, its important to remember -you never really know whats going on in a persons' life, cut them some slack now and then, they are worth it.

people seem to like these, they take like 2-10 minutes, my older stuff took up to an hour or two sometimes.... apparently cute and silly is better than effort sometimes

its really sad that I dont even get anything done when i stay up this late... i lay in bed, I think up stupid songs and poems, i write them down, I ponder the meaning of life, i have conversations with people who are asleep, sometimes i pray, sometimes i think about the future, sometimes i hope that the phone will ring. I was sure this time if i got up I would write this stupid response paper.... but its not gonna happen... im gonna go to bed again and repeat.
this is an example of a dead man's stomp.

remember today you have an opportunity to show the world your beauty by showing it it is beautiful, if you remember to do so, you have solved half the problem, and that kind of success rate will surely lead to something good soon enough.

-this speech needs some work -its gotta be tighter no?

lots of interesting convos lately... too bad they are online.

also an update on links and what not.

mike is a bag of garden implements.
and also.
my parents asked me how the homework was going when they called... i think i must have implied i had too much to come home... I dont remember saying that. I spent the weekend playing with guns and peoples eyeballs.
and by that i dont mean any of those last two things... i mean i spent the weekend with friends a smattering.
good times.
except cleaning their salsa bowl after it sat out all night...
not so much that.

k you take care now.
my current facebook picture is not for me, its for other people... im not sure what it means, i had the idea long ago for something similar, but what came out was not that. its ok though. me thinks life is bella...

Im rather annoyed because I cant seem to figure out how to get videos from my new editing program (the only one that works with the camera so far) onto youtube (the main outlet)...

this is annoying for multiple reasons, but part of it is because i told all these people i would put videos of them on and now i cant figure out how... does anyone know how to work this shit?
the main problem seems to be that the way they are saved takes up to much space... but i dont know how to fix that.
?help?

also apparently i am having a sleep over party tonight... i'll let you know how that goes.

Dear diary. I wish I had green hair. -Mike

If I had thought about it, when I realized all my roommates would be gone this weekend, I would have had a party, a sleep over party.... i wonder if josh is gonna be here?
is it too late?

elde english

I finished a book today, my autobiography for my american indians in US history, it sort of became my book for fun too as I became more and more attached not only to the guy's personality but also to the spiritual messages. (hes a lakota holy man)
nearing the end i started feeling very caught up in the spirit, the last few chapters all describe the important of some of their rituals and as he discussed them you could feel it, the reverence for his religion...

The other day reading about the sun dance is what got me out of my funk... tonight i began crying as he discussed the importance of the pipe, the connection the the earth, the sky the spirits, the life force. at one point nearing the end I think he said something very profound and simple. He said that when he prays he doesnt talk on and on, he says something very simple and says it over and over if he has to. the meditation i spose... but he said that his simplest most true prayer was something like great spirit, have pity on me, for the sake of my people.... and i burst in to tears... because it said things so simply... every night i tend to at least briefly reflect on all the people i love, I ask god to watch out for them, and then I ask god to watch out for whoever is supporting them (which is hard sometimes because normally these people might be rivals) but in my prayers they are brothers, and all these people I pray for their families, and those they have met, I pray that god watches over everyone who i have touched and who has touched me, and then i pray for theirs, and theirs and theirs and I spread throughout the world asking for each person to have a blessing. and then I tend to ask god to use me if he needs me for his blessing. and these simple words -seem to encompass every prayer i have ever said. and its nothing new, or complex... its the simplicity and the honesty behind them that hit me so hard. the chapter was preceeded by one about the importance of the clown, the man -who for the sake of the spirits, for the sake of those around him, performs his dreams -though they cause him great shame, because this type of dream is always backwards, against the norms.. to cause laughter at his expense. and the idea of that being sacred, and then asking god to have pity on him, not for his sake, not because he wants help, special gifts, wealth, but simply give him any power that would help his people, the people of the world. any amount of shame, hurt, pain, any amount of good anything that would do anything for the good of people... just something beautiful.

the last chapter was about the man who recorder the stories... and spoke of how he had always been a wanderer, a religious man, but an outcast because he was too much a part of everything, a man who had been saved and blessed, and felt called to south dakota where he befriended many people, and then while talking one day with a friend they decided that they would write a book about the importance of these very real things. and the holy man told him it was fated, and said that all those experiances had prepared him...

I get this feeling every time i read these type of stories, i get this calming, strengthening feeling where all of a sudden things make sense, all are forgiven, all pain gone, aware of all blessings... and it makes me think of all those things that have happened to me, and how they put me into peoples lives... and sometimes sadly i dont know if its for the betterm but i think life and god are looking out for us all.
it makes it clear to me.

---
chris kept asking me if I have been converted to islam this last week while i was working on my paper. i always have this weird feeling when people say things like that, because to be a muslim is to have submitted to god, and i did that so long ago... but by standards of today im not a "muslim" as im not a "true christian" or a "jew" or any other thing... but i am a believer... having felt god's presence or those divinely inspired so many times its hard to not be.
anyway thats my spiritual rant for the night...
the reason my facebook picture is now a silly picture of some crows, is that one year 3 crows followed me around... im not sure i did what they wanted, in fact they really scared me... but they liked to talk to me... and they would show up everywhere. it was like being tucked in to bed... maybe it was fuzzy's gift to me.

people been making such a big deal out of this iran hostage situation that it was really nice to see the little headline britain sailors return home. not so much because i thought they were being harmed, in fact i was pretty sure that they were being treated quite well -as it seems to be very in line with iran's current administration to do these large shows of agression and back them up with very respectable efforts... sort of like the whole nuclear thing, whether iran is seeking weapons or not, i think it would be in their best interest to show the world in the end that they were simply providing energy to their people... a little "in your face world" and when iran treats their prisoners better than we do, it shows the world they arent that inhumane... so when i heard the sailors were drinking champaign and what not on the plane ride home, and looked like they had been on vacation during the 2 week "crisis" it sort of made me glad the whole "scandal" was over... everyone is happy... and iran looks better for not being an asshole....
i thought, it must be nice that the sailors get to see their families (probably 6 months before they were supposed to return home)
i returned this afternoon and read the next headline which said 4 british soldiers killed in iraq... and thought, how horrible it must be for their families... to know that while these other soldiers are returned unharmed to the relief of the world, their own children, husbands and wives are being killed in a terrible war and no one cares... their own family members wont return home ever, they must be thinking about all the things they would rather have happened... they must be crying their eyes out wishing their own sons and daughters had been held hostage.

My dad came up today, quick visit, but nice to talk... he took away some of my junk too... leaving my room looking quite different.
My poetry teacher was disappointed in our lack of enthusiasm for assignments and what not... I guess she finally noticed the semester is taking its toll... but of course that doesnt mean letting up... more like "hey guys come to my faculty sem on thursday" of course I cant go... not because i have class, but because i will have just gotten out of three classes and will be shot.
Tonight I got to watch Triumph of the will a pseudo documentary/propaganda movie about the National socialist german workers party (NAZIs)
it was sort of crazy.... not much mention of the bad side of the party's plan, but a lot of crazy shows of power, and marching, and flags... hard to mix all those smiling cheering faces with those of the dead, enslaved, inprisoned, tortured exhausted malnourished victims of the party...

In other news.
I might be spending much of the weekend alone.
good time to do things ---right.

Its quite wonderful to get a letter of hope from a friend so far away, when you know the day will be a rough one. Its 9:19 I got stuff to do, but things will work out.

"Light Years" ~311

"You're a thousand light years runnin' through my brain
Reminding me that no one's sane
Not all the time
Yes

You're a thousand light years runnin' through my brain
Reminding me that no one's sane
Not all the time
Yes, I still remember you
In a way that you'd want me to
Im a man you know
Who will do right for you

Never let your regret make you wish we had not met
I cannot think that way, yeah
I drove you crazy, I see that plainly
You waited on pins for me
But
needles never ever love...
What did you think of"

thank god for fiona apple and spiritual texts.

why is 2:00 so late that there is no one to talk to? I keep writing letters and not sending them... morals.

I learned a long time ago that you shouldnt say something unless its nice....
thus i have a problem with honesty, as in, im not honest when im upset with someone, because i wouldnt want them to assume thats the end all of it.. I have seen relationships end with less... and I value relationships. But how do you correct a person when they are being ugly -without becoming ugly yourself?

Progressive Dinner!!






Progressive Dinner!!

Well I woke up at the butt crack of 4:00 PM after talking to Serrah and Mary till late.... showered and dressed and progressed to Kristi and Anna’s (picture 1 hopefully). They served appetizers, bruschetta on pita and artichoke dip and something… I think…. (You will have to forgive me as I didn’t actually partake in the dining part of the evening..) anyway me and Mel were the first ones there, and set in to decorating our cups… but everyone showed up shortly and the evening proceeded, Paul brought jug wine. Bob reminded us to look away when he opened beers (recent accident involving beer cap and eye), Anna spent the evening pretending to be 16 to capture predators in Hancock… Mel left as well for jazz and Sarah Vig left for a treble makers performance at common cup but other than that the evening seemed to only gain people.
The second house we progressed to,(picture 2 hopefully on the way) with open bottles in paper bags and smiles on our faces while we passed the cops who stopped so we could cross the street at the crosswalk.
It was Emily and Sarah’s house, and they served a whole host of food I didn’t touch, things like manicotti and cheese bread and other things… and we had plenty of pictures as there were something like 4-5 photographers present, and there was plenty of face making (picture 3) and there was discussion on topics like global warming, birth control, hormones, sperm without tails, Jesus with a tail, the supremacy of the tail and much more. There was also cool art on the walls and Huck read a story and people got friendly… I was fiening for some candy and pop so I left to go to willies… and then back again and then later we progressed again to the final destination for gelato at Julene’s house. We chalked up the table, (picture 4) we danced (picture 5) and played the bag game –where people hop around and try to grab a bag with their mouth without touching anything. There was discussion on lots of stuff, there was dumpster dived baked goods. There was ridiculousness. And lots of video and photos and wonderfulness.
Then me and mel went home.