So I seem to be intrigued by every passing girl, australians, english, americans canadians... but mostly these amazing mayan girls. To be fair, I am not entirely sure they are all mayan, maybe just mixed latinas, but they are all so fucking cute... Weirdly though, when they are young they are really cute and then they grow up to be not so cute... I don´t mean like when they are 25 I mean when they are like 40... all of a sudden they are really um not cute. from like 10-30 they are gorgeous and then they hit a wall.
There is something about them though, its like cute mysteriousness.

and for some reason they all start to look really familiar.

anyway... I run into a lot of people who spend their trips getting drunk and having sex. I wrote about one such individual on facebook. He confessed to me that he brings a bottle of rum where ever he goes to get girls drunk, and by confessed I mean boasted. He also said (in a moment of self reflection) that he had had sex with a girl, reused the condom after dipping it in vodka and then after using it for awhile removed it without her knowing.

Not the best company.


I don´t want to be like that... but I would like to fall in love again one of these days...

Its actually been a really hard self consciousness trip... I am forced to wear shorts and t shirts because of the weather... I see myself in the mirrow or windows and hate it. all these buff tan dudes walking around are rather intimidating and make me feel like I could never compete.


Im all shallow as you can see.

this was on facebook

My therapist pointed out the all or nothing thinking involved when I go from worrying about loss to putting myself in a position where I start to believe everyone is going to die and I need to prepare myself.... and though I agree it might seem a little dramatic, I kind of see that in a lot of my thought patterns... I mean, when I am listening to music or musicals especially I don't just listen, I try to put myself in the position of the characters or whatever... then it becomes a moving experience. Simply thinking about things, without the moving experience of crying over imaginary grief/joy or whatever seems almost shallower, like a hollow intellectual experience without the heart to back it up. I do that enough... What good is a dream without the heart pulse? What good is worrying without considering the holistic ramifications?

Are you feeling suitably neglected?

I have about 13 days till I leave. Two relatively full weeks of work.
2 Spirit of truth events, a retreat on the 11th and a discussion on the 12th.
I need to do laundry, buy a backpack, figure out the clothes situation. Clean and organize my room. Pack etc.
See how much Spanish I can get in (at least finish the first disc).

This weekend was fairly packed with active.
I spent some time with several friends... saw a couple movies I wanted to see... made mixed veggies to grill... ate at Benihana. These summer weekends already seem long, but then add in the extra day off and its breezy.
I didn't connect with any fam this weekend.
I don't usually celebrate the holiday... so I didn't feel like pretending.
We didn't run to a fireworks display... we played Settlers of Catan.

I had good talks with some people.
Probably betrayed some trust here and there in the process, but it was in the name of something higher.

I realized yesterday that it is very likely that three of the 4-5 people I have been hanging out with for the past 5 months will be leaving town soon.
It makes me sort of sad, but happy for all of them... they are really excited to move on with their lives and that is good. I haven't let the panic set in... and it sort of bothers me that during the next 2 months... which is on average how long they will be here... will be the time that I am gone - or at least a good chunk. That wasn't worded well but you get the picture.

I always have a hard time taking space/time for myself... and this will be no different, just with the added idea of them all packing while I am gone.

Three years is a long time.
I'm trying to focus on the positive.
But it felt good to talk to you last night,
to not have to explain anything more,
but to want to.

I should take this time to find new things.
So should all of you.
But let me cry over the transition from young man to man,
I didn't recognize it till just now in thinking about all these goodbyes.

As before, even scattered, I'll love you.