At christmas tonight  my Dad brought up that I used to sleep walk when I was younger. He thought of a few humorous times I guess. James said he remembered me sleep walking numerous times when we lived in an apartment and shared a room. He said they weren't humorous, they were scary, and when he said it he looked scared. Dad asked him what, and maybe James was just covering for me in the moment, but it looked more like it was something he didn't want to share because it was painful or horrifying.
I remember having a lot of nightmares at that age. On a few occasions I remember my emotions or my imagination getting too far ahead of the rest of me, and not being able to calm down. Some of my more shameful stuff was probably beginning at that age, but I don't have a clue what he is referring to.
There are a lot of things in my life that I keep secret because I wish they hadn't happened... there are things right now that I wish weren't happening and worry me regularly, but it terrifies me to think I am not even aware of all of the things that are being kept secret.

Yuckers

Im fiening hardcore lately. Thursty - is how the kids put it.  Every where I look,  and way too much on the internet. 

There is a girl at work who smiles slightly like she is hiding a secret... likely the secret is that she can tell I am staring.

I simultaneously enjoy the widening of my senses, the desire for sensuality... and hate hate hate it. I feel lost... and when I think too much about what anything means it just points towards danger or the very least an internal feeling of  humiliation. Working at mctc makes me really aware of the subtle line of eye lids and smiles... it's like you give a person just a minute of your time, smile shyly and suddenly they seem all flush every time they show up.  Still... I'm getting old. I am officially 33 and I think about how a younger version of myself had painted some idea of completeness by now... or settledness at least.   I think about how I judged my cousins for never dating, and now I am aware that I am grateful to have some context for what it means to be 33 and single.  My parents are getting pushy. .. and I understand it.  I understand that they see me acting helpless and want to offer advice, or even set something up. But they don't know the whole story. Maybe it's easier than I make it seem. Maybe as simple as saying "hi" but the intention to be compatible doesn't make you compatible, and a beautiful aesthetic doesn't make you beautiful. 

On age:

My new coworker said something along the lines of "yeah, I bet we're about the same, age, how old are you?" And then reacted strongly when I told him. Then he told me he just turned 25 last month. So at least on the boyish awkwardness I'm still kicking it live. I was thinking about that difference... that is a senior in high school vs a third grader... yeah we are probably the same age maturity wise... cuz I am still a third grader.