A short update..
I am at school, though apparently and unscheduled plan to head down to the cities might be in order this weekend as gabi might be home.
I am at morris. Morris is small and familiar, or is it? I dont recognize many people around campus, im sure this will change, but there are new buildings, new names and certainly a lot of new faces and when i say new faces i mean NEWer faces, because i am so old!!
I have 5 classes, the good ones so far are east asian history and a class on depictions and ethics of war. The bad so far is my soc methods class, which is a joke and not challenging and mind numbingly slow and boring and even a little stupid.
Im seeing lots of people, in fact we are playing risk tonight, me and mike the rock are starting a KUMM radio program (which you can find on Itunes if you like later)
and im thinking of attending meetings like the college dems, soc anth club, womens resource center and peer health educators...
but to go back, on top of my 18 credits, i am finishing a directed study with one of my fav profs, but he is a challenging man, who seems to have confidence in my abilities despite the fact i have blown off my directed study for almost 8 months now... and so i should be finishing that up/working on new stuff with that... so
22-ish credits....
Working on things like figuring out my homework before hand, and planning time to spend with people i care about...
we got a new roommate today.
steve my brother moved to milwaukee today.
anyway... despite or because of all this, the semester seems fairly cheerful... and um more to come. peace and love
taff
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
I may have mentioned this already, but i was talking to lex, about how i dont know how to deal with death. more that i havent really had to many times...
The closest living thing to me that has ever died was my cat fuzzy, and though i didnt have a clue what to do at the time, the fact that I kept seeing him everywhere kind of made up for it... like an imagined reminder that he will always be with me... sadly too real at times (where you get your hopes up).
I went to a funeral on my birth day once, I hardly knew the man, I think it was my dad's uncle Boyd... His wife is amazingly nice and rather beautiful fopr being the younger sister of my grama...
I remember that was the same year the gulf war was supposed to start and I felt like the whole thing sucked... sort of guilty that my birthday was bringing about such tragedy... sort of pissed that I had to give up my birthday (not because anyone told me i had to, but because I knew i had to, for the suffering)
thats a really fucked up thing to say. I was turning 7 and felt like i had to give up my birthday because such horrible things were happening... (its kind of fucked up that im proud i felt that way too)
anyway... Fuzzy died and I wrote shitty poems about mourning... but no one understood really, they just knew i was fucked up... steve wrote me a note and told me not to think of hurting myself, i was a teenager... he didnt have any reason to worry, but my paintings and poems at the time would have pointed otherwise.
in kindergarten a girl died, in 6th grade a boy died, im not even sure when ginger hicks died... i felt a loss, but not something i was hung up on or anything.... my mom thought i might need counseling i think when the girl in kindergarten died... I made peace with it pretty quick... (i mean for me, considering zach gave me a lecture two days ago about not feeling bad about something that happened 10 years ago). Anyway this is all shit henry was trying to help me with...
including the shit i was talking to lex about...
including the shit i was just talking to Illy about...
including how i often have felt about illy....
my mom calls and tells me the funeral is tomorrow at 11:00 (i have a lunch date with nona at 12)
this makes me sad, because although i dont really want to go to the funeral (more the formality) I feel really awful (like in myself, no outside pressure) for not going.
My mom says its ok, and tells me to go look at this website they make for family and friends and stuff in the mourning process.... Caringbridge.com
I go and look her up, I read the first three-four paragraphs her husband writes...
Shes in pain,
shes dying
the kids are called
I start crying and cant read more...
I dont know what it is, im not so afraid of dying, not afraid of death... im sure people who are loving and loved have good things happen to them (whatever the case may be)... I havent talked to the woman in years, havent connected, she barely knows me....
I mourn the loss of possibility, both of future connections, and the ability to tell her or myself that what she had done was meaningful... had changed my life, had made me a better person.
I think i dislike death...
I think i love you.
The closest living thing to me that has ever died was my cat fuzzy, and though i didnt have a clue what to do at the time, the fact that I kept seeing him everywhere kind of made up for it... like an imagined reminder that he will always be with me... sadly too real at times (where you get your hopes up).
I went to a funeral on my birth day once, I hardly knew the man, I think it was my dad's uncle Boyd... His wife is amazingly nice and rather beautiful fopr being the younger sister of my grama...
I remember that was the same year the gulf war was supposed to start and I felt like the whole thing sucked... sort of guilty that my birthday was bringing about such tragedy... sort of pissed that I had to give up my birthday (not because anyone told me i had to, but because I knew i had to, for the suffering)
thats a really fucked up thing to say. I was turning 7 and felt like i had to give up my birthday because such horrible things were happening... (its kind of fucked up that im proud i felt that way too)
anyway... Fuzzy died and I wrote shitty poems about mourning... but no one understood really, they just knew i was fucked up... steve wrote me a note and told me not to think of hurting myself, i was a teenager... he didnt have any reason to worry, but my paintings and poems at the time would have pointed otherwise.
in kindergarten a girl died, in 6th grade a boy died, im not even sure when ginger hicks died... i felt a loss, but not something i was hung up on or anything.... my mom thought i might need counseling i think when the girl in kindergarten died... I made peace with it pretty quick... (i mean for me, considering zach gave me a lecture two days ago about not feeling bad about something that happened 10 years ago). Anyway this is all shit henry was trying to help me with...
including the shit i was talking to lex about...
including the shit i was just talking to Illy about...
including how i often have felt about illy....
my mom calls and tells me the funeral is tomorrow at 11:00 (i have a lunch date with nona at 12)
this makes me sad, because although i dont really want to go to the funeral (more the formality) I feel really awful (like in myself, no outside pressure) for not going.
My mom says its ok, and tells me to go look at this website they make for family and friends and stuff in the mourning process.... Caringbridge.com
I go and look her up, I read the first three-four paragraphs her husband writes...
Shes in pain,
shes dying
the kids are called
I start crying and cant read more...
I dont know what it is, im not so afraid of dying, not afraid of death... im sure people who are loving and loved have good things happen to them (whatever the case may be)... I havent talked to the woman in years, havent connected, she barely knows me....
I mourn the loss of possibility, both of future connections, and the ability to tell her or myself that what she had done was meaningful... had changed my life, had made me a better person.
I think i dislike death...
I think i love you.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
well since i just finished a quick painting of a woman breastfeeding....
um listening to the original broadway production of HAIR rather than the movie version which i had originally, and at first one is thrown off by the grunge feeling of it, in terms of the under production in comparison to the movie version.... much of the music in the play version isnt so equalized, and the at some points it sounds more like someone mic-ed the entire cast and music pit with one mic and said go to town... (maybe they did...?) but then after a few minutes you realize (through the feeling alone) how much more honest and beautiful it is. I like the movie version but this reminds me of seeing the play, and it was the best musical i had ever seen...
Anywho...
Also so that new will farrel movie with my step brothers tonight, it was aight, but probably not worth the cash.... the boys feel awkward around me.
um listening to the original broadway production of HAIR rather than the movie version which i had originally, and at first one is thrown off by the grunge feeling of it, in terms of the under production in comparison to the movie version.... much of the music in the play version isnt so equalized, and the at some points it sounds more like someone mic-ed the entire cast and music pit with one mic and said go to town... (maybe they did...?) but then after a few minutes you realize (through the feeling alone) how much more honest and beautiful it is. I like the movie version but this reminds me of seeing the play, and it was the best musical i had ever seen...
Anywho...
Also so that new will farrel movie with my step brothers tonight, it was aight, but probably not worth the cash.... the boys feel awkward around me.
Well illy told me she is reading these and i am not providing enough info/entertainment.... so
On a sad note...
My mom just called me, its like 9:00 AM on Tuesday and we have to go take family pictures in like an hour and a half, i had just woken up to JET, but anywho...
my mom just called me, and after saying she was trying to wake me up, told me a friend of hers died last night.
I asked when the funeral was.
The woman has been battling cancer for quite a while, and actually lived much longer than they said she would, with a full year of a clean bill of health in-between... but when I first found out until today (minus the happy surprise in the middle) I have been oddly attached.... not that I have like visited, or even talked to her... but she was one of my moms only friends at the wedding. (it was very low key immediate family, grandparents, and like 4 others...)
I met her in Tanzania, she was a missionary there and like many missionaries i have met was really cool, very nice supportive, mothering in a nice way. She has three kids of her own, all grown, but one of them was this awesome woman named jodi...(taught me some slang and such in Swahili)
i cant really explain why i feel attached, my total time with this woman in life wouldn’t even add up to a full day... but when good people die, you feel weird.
I guess I must associate her with the positive repercussions of being exposed to the world, associate her as someone who wanted to love the world.
Im not sure who did more of this, but heres a little story.
Linda and her husband were missionaries in Tanzania, and had a house, a pretty nice house there... anyway they had a groundskeeper/guard for the house who was working one day and saw a man try to sneak on to the property who wanted to steal some stuff.
I had been in their house and hadn’t seen much to steal, but im sure any random thing he could have gotten some money for... anyway the guard stopped him, and the thief proceeded to cut him down the side of his face.... this caused a commotion and like in many countries a crowd formed to "deal with the thief."
In many countries where police are not necessarily to be counted on, justice takes a form of mob rule... and thieves are often killed (stoning, hanging, burning...) I think the intention was to tie him up with old tires and burn him alive in this case...
and Linda and Doug fearing for the man's life called up the police and also refused to let the crowd take him struggling for quite a while against them. They then spent hours with the police trying to make sure the man would be safe (the police thought they were being silly and would have let the crowd take him) and took their guard guy to the hospital to make sure he got treated well (where as normally he wouldn’t have).. In many places in the world, it is assumed that a guard would do what this man did, and if he could not perform his job afterwards would be replaced… well in this case:
Eventually the thief lived - probably learned his lesson...
the guard was given medical treatment and then something like a goat or two, which is like not only giving him food or what not, but another source of income...
and the people there got to see that “Christians” perceive life to be more important than materialism and such…. Which even if it isn’t true all the time, is a better and harder message than I think a lot of us would be able to put forth in our lives..
anyway… I have a soft spot for them, and she has now moved on.
(sorry if this was boring..)
On a sad note...
My mom just called me, its like 9:00 AM on Tuesday and we have to go take family pictures in like an hour and a half, i had just woken up to JET, but anywho...
my mom just called me, and after saying she was trying to wake me up, told me a friend of hers died last night.
I asked when the funeral was.
The woman has been battling cancer for quite a while, and actually lived much longer than they said she would, with a full year of a clean bill of health in-between... but when I first found out until today (minus the happy surprise in the middle) I have been oddly attached.... not that I have like visited, or even talked to her... but she was one of my moms only friends at the wedding. (it was very low key immediate family, grandparents, and like 4 others...)
I met her in Tanzania, she was a missionary there and like many missionaries i have met was really cool, very nice supportive, mothering in a nice way. She has three kids of her own, all grown, but one of them was this awesome woman named jodi...(taught me some slang and such in Swahili)
i cant really explain why i feel attached, my total time with this woman in life wouldn’t even add up to a full day... but when good people die, you feel weird.
I guess I must associate her with the positive repercussions of being exposed to the world, associate her as someone who wanted to love the world.
Im not sure who did more of this, but heres a little story.
Linda and her husband were missionaries in Tanzania, and had a house, a pretty nice house there... anyway they had a groundskeeper/guard for the house who was working one day and saw a man try to sneak on to the property who wanted to steal some stuff.
I had been in their house and hadn’t seen much to steal, but im sure any random thing he could have gotten some money for... anyway the guard stopped him, and the thief proceeded to cut him down the side of his face.... this caused a commotion and like in many countries a crowd formed to "deal with the thief."
In many countries where police are not necessarily to be counted on, justice takes a form of mob rule... and thieves are often killed (stoning, hanging, burning...) I think the intention was to tie him up with old tires and burn him alive in this case...
and Linda and Doug fearing for the man's life called up the police and also refused to let the crowd take him struggling for quite a while against them. They then spent hours with the police trying to make sure the man would be safe (the police thought they were being silly and would have let the crowd take him) and took their guard guy to the hospital to make sure he got treated well (where as normally he wouldn’t have).. In many places in the world, it is assumed that a guard would do what this man did, and if he could not perform his job afterwards would be replaced… well in this case:
Eventually the thief lived - probably learned his lesson...
the guard was given medical treatment and then something like a goat or two, which is like not only giving him food or what not, but another source of income...
and the people there got to see that “Christians” perceive life to be more important than materialism and such…. Which even if it isn’t true all the time, is a better and harder message than I think a lot of us would be able to put forth in our lives..
anyway… I have a soft spot for them, and she has now moved on.
(sorry if this was boring..)
Monday, August 21, 2006
Yall gots to be sick of that last post by now...
so let me update you with stuff.... not anything interesting but stuff.
Spent some time in the falls area, and then headed out to see my boy for a night though it must have seemed i was more excited about chinese food then chillin... and we werent certain about his really friendly crew's plans to attend a highschool party
(how old are we?)
anyway... spent some time with Lex's fam which was really nice, and brought more of a picture together... they are a lot of fun..
shot down to texas to see Nova and Austin
had a blast though we couldnt credit too much stuff to our itinerary... (um we felt like we were doing stuff the whole time but cant recall a lot to tell people about.) except that Austin is awesome and would be great to live in if it werent for the heat, and it being texas...
we saw bats, we saw superman
we saw costumes, and supermarkets.
on the way back we stopped at denny for the most delicious dennys meal i have ever had, but maybe it was just because we had spent three hours in traffic going approx 25 miles due to a wildfire hitting oklahoma hard.
spent another night with my gramps and ate applebees on the way out.
I got two plans now...
see people and pack.
if you want to hang out call me.
My gramps gave me a 100 bucks for a cell phone and im really considering it, i think i would get a morris number so locals could call me from their house phones..
anyway. i think i might have a bone broken in my foot, cuz its been hurting like hell lately...
saw a movie with my pops yesterday.
went to best buy today and got one of four things i was considering.... might head to cheapo on the way out of town.
ummmmmmm
finally saw v for vendetta. liked it, a little different but good.
uh been typing up poetry all day, so heres some bs:
"sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here..."
thats part of something i wrote last night that isnt finished, but i never finish anything... so.....
i know i promised some poetry before i left, i wrote one of em, and it can be found on my facebook currently the song isnt started... but i got some other stuff i been writing, and old shit i finally got typed up.
I always look through my old folders thinking i might have something (i got like 3-4 folders stuffed with sheets of paper, napkins and other bs with scribblings on them)
but im always so blown away by how much crap there is that i rarely find anything i think is good enough to remember.
um but i think there are about 5-6 new and old things i will add, probably right after this... so.... i really need to go through that blog and figure out what i have and what i havent put on there yet....
um family pictures tomorrow morning deemed it necessary to shave.
wednesday fam dinner with my dad lebanese food
thursday? fri? headed to morris either fri or sat.
as far as i know we are still looking for a roommate and im a lazy bastard.
peace to you
so let me update you with stuff.... not anything interesting but stuff.
Spent some time in the falls area, and then headed out to see my boy for a night though it must have seemed i was more excited about chinese food then chillin... and we werent certain about his really friendly crew's plans to attend a highschool party
(how old are we?)
anyway... spent some time with Lex's fam which was really nice, and brought more of a picture together... they are a lot of fun..
shot down to texas to see Nova and Austin
had a blast though we couldnt credit too much stuff to our itinerary... (um we felt like we were doing stuff the whole time but cant recall a lot to tell people about.) except that Austin is awesome and would be great to live in if it werent for the heat, and it being texas...
we saw bats, we saw superman
we saw costumes, and supermarkets.
on the way back we stopped at denny for the most delicious dennys meal i have ever had, but maybe it was just because we had spent three hours in traffic going approx 25 miles due to a wildfire hitting oklahoma hard.
spent another night with my gramps and ate applebees on the way out.
I got two plans now...
see people and pack.
if you want to hang out call me.
My gramps gave me a 100 bucks for a cell phone and im really considering it, i think i would get a morris number so locals could call me from their house phones..
anyway. i think i might have a bone broken in my foot, cuz its been hurting like hell lately...
saw a movie with my pops yesterday.
went to best buy today and got one of four things i was considering.... might head to cheapo on the way out of town.
ummmmmmm
finally saw v for vendetta. liked it, a little different but good.
uh been typing up poetry all day, so heres some bs:
"sometimes I get stopped at the door,
Confused and slightly distressed
when Instead of pushing, I pull it
And I know a lot of you got confused
with Bush and his bull shit
but the real world spins in cycles
just like a top
like the revolving door
and when it starts it don’t stop
so a bomb we drop
on one side spreads
the panic and fear
and soon enough you know
we feel that destruction right here..."
thats part of something i wrote last night that isnt finished, but i never finish anything... so.....
i know i promised some poetry before i left, i wrote one of em, and it can be found on my facebook currently the song isnt started... but i got some other stuff i been writing, and old shit i finally got typed up.
I always look through my old folders thinking i might have something (i got like 3-4 folders stuffed with sheets of paper, napkins and other bs with scribblings on them)
but im always so blown away by how much crap there is that i rarely find anything i think is good enough to remember.
um but i think there are about 5-6 new and old things i will add, probably right after this... so.... i really need to go through that blog and figure out what i have and what i havent put on there yet....
um family pictures tomorrow morning deemed it necessary to shave.
wednesday fam dinner with my dad lebanese food
thursday? fri? headed to morris either fri or sat.
as far as i know we are still looking for a roommate and im a lazy bastard.
peace to you
Sunday, August 06, 2006
havent typed the shit up yet, but got some ideas written down about peace and my dick(and you know i dont edit) so there ought to be some shit on the poetry blog by the time i leave for sioux falls manana.
(slipping info in....)
was up to like 6 not doing shit, trying to sleep and thinking too much and rhyming too much in my head....
got half more journal written 6 months late.
POS on my stereo keeping me pumped.
shit i forgot to call ALi.
peace and love yall
(slipping info in....)
was up to like 6 not doing shit, trying to sleep and thinking too much and rhyming too much in my head....
got half more journal written 6 months late.
POS on my stereo keeping me pumped.
shit i forgot to call ALi.
peace and love yall
Still havent written anything new... working a bit on my india journal... got half the things on my list done (but they were the easy things)
On the way home from getting food, i caught myself totally rocking out to a song i would never even listen to.
That ever happen to you? it wasnt that i suddenly liked it or anything, it was that i wasnt paying attention and had been rocking out to the previous song, and when it came on i just went with it, and then when i realized, i was astounded at how bad the song was....
My mom showed me her and grants new motorcycle and besides feelings of general disinterest and slight worry, i wondered if i liked garth brooks for a second.... she was playing a cd on the motorcycle's cd player (i was shocked too)
and there was a energetic violin and some not bad accoustic work, but it all got ruined when he started singing fucking country twang.
it wouldnt be that bad i guess, i mean hes more pop country...
my dad told me i would only be able to borrow Ali's camera for monday and tuesday which makes it pretty obvious im headed back there at some point... but oh well... a couple days to do homework and shit in sioux falls... call up serrah, have her show me around.
listening to the first incubus cd right now... its the funkiest.
best get back to homework... all night i have been putting down the urge to go to blockbuster and rent a certain V movie... but they probably dont have any copies in...
the stupid monkeys on fox news radio were getting all there shit mixed up tonight, and though that should be funny (to listen as they make stupid mistakes making them sound like idiots) it was only more infuriating..
still bummed about that concert...
my room reminds me of things undone and things i want to do, like draw and paint... but cant because i have homework to do.
peace you
On the way home from getting food, i caught myself totally rocking out to a song i would never even listen to.
That ever happen to you? it wasnt that i suddenly liked it or anything, it was that i wasnt paying attention and had been rocking out to the previous song, and when it came on i just went with it, and then when i realized, i was astounded at how bad the song was....
My mom showed me her and grants new motorcycle and besides feelings of general disinterest and slight worry, i wondered if i liked garth brooks for a second.... she was playing a cd on the motorcycle's cd player (i was shocked too)
and there was a energetic violin and some not bad accoustic work, but it all got ruined when he started singing fucking country twang.
it wouldnt be that bad i guess, i mean hes more pop country...
my dad told me i would only be able to borrow Ali's camera for monday and tuesday which makes it pretty obvious im headed back there at some point... but oh well... a couple days to do homework and shit in sioux falls... call up serrah, have her show me around.
listening to the first incubus cd right now... its the funkiest.
best get back to homework... all night i have been putting down the urge to go to blockbuster and rent a certain V movie... but they probably dont have any copies in...
the stupid monkeys on fox news radio were getting all there shit mixed up tonight, and though that should be funny (to listen as they make stupid mistakes making them sound like idiots) it was only more infuriating..
still bummed about that concert...
my room reminds me of things undone and things i want to do, like draw and paint... but cant because i have homework to do.
peace you
Friday, August 04, 2006
several words before i go get food...
seems like i never post when im in morris eh? thats cuz all my thoughts are spoken to lex... pretty much... i guess i dont think too much.
anyway.
announcements...
* My lil brother got in to milwaukee...
* I found my india journal
* Our water got turned off at the house (by the landlord not the city) which i have been told we can get a refund for, but i feel weird asking for money back when no one is living there... then i wonder why we are paying money when no one is living there.
* we got to celebrate mi chica's 23erd... and today is rock's 21st.
* I got to see several members of my family in morris this past week.
* I realized today, that i will probably not end up going to see two of my favorite bands this fall (the chili peppers and the mars volta in concert together...)
and that really blows... but the floor tickets are already sold out... and i dont even know if i would be able to go... (like school wise)
It also i think shows how old i am, that i didnt just buy tickets immediately when they went on sale... im some sort of old geezer i guess... slow on the draw
* i had some other things.... im gonna go see becky tomorrow...
* Im hoping to go to sioux falls on sunday...
* im also hoping to leave from there for colorado like possibly thursday
* I think i want to write something about "the pay roll" (some thoughts from karma police by radiohead) --well its written on my hand anyway..
we are looking for a roommate! help!?!?
and also school starts on the 28th so that probably means moving to morris on the 26th or so...
peace
seems like i never post when im in morris eh? thats cuz all my thoughts are spoken to lex... pretty much... i guess i dont think too much.
anyway.
announcements...
* My lil brother got in to milwaukee...
* I found my india journal
* Our water got turned off at the house (by the landlord not the city) which i have been told we can get a refund for, but i feel weird asking for money back when no one is living there... then i wonder why we are paying money when no one is living there.
* we got to celebrate mi chica's 23erd... and today is rock's 21st.
* I got to see several members of my family in morris this past week.
* I realized today, that i will probably not end up going to see two of my favorite bands this fall (the chili peppers and the mars volta in concert together...)
and that really blows... but the floor tickets are already sold out... and i dont even know if i would be able to go... (like school wise)
It also i think shows how old i am, that i didnt just buy tickets immediately when they went on sale... im some sort of old geezer i guess... slow on the draw
* i had some other things.... im gonna go see becky tomorrow...
* Im hoping to go to sioux falls on sunday...
* im also hoping to leave from there for colorado like possibly thursday
* I think i want to write something about "the pay roll" (some thoughts from karma police by radiohead) --well its written on my hand anyway..
we are looking for a roommate! help!?!?
and also school starts on the 28th so that probably means moving to morris on the 26th or so...
peace