transitions suck

I am far too robotic for people.
I was on the phone with my old coworkers, one sounded super out of it. Just not sure how to console or assure people when I am leaving again. I am so excited for the next thing, and yet once again all these people are reaching out to me. Asking. Doing the thing I tell them to do, and I rarely do because I don't know how. But I have nothing to share except the thoughts in my head and they can already tell I am stepping out of the boat.

There is a definite downside to this whole having close relationships but wanting to adventure thing. I am caught off guard by the image that other people have of me, and how close they hold it to their hearts.

I feel like I am letting them all down. And part of me just wants to hide. Like... is it possible to just pretend I left already?

I'll hang out with Illy and my parents and tell everyone else I am already in Guatemala.

Goals and updates

Well I can finally log in to my blogs again.
I suppose I should start updating them.
Here is a boring post, just thoughts on goals...

It’s funny how when you are in the middle of a transition asking yourself what you want every day becomes such a normal monotonous task. What is the best case scenario? What am I willing to settle on? Which opportunity should I reach for? Where do my interests push me? 

I broke up with Jesse, sort of twice now. There isn’t really any possibility long term there, and I know that, but I love chatting with her daily. I love seeing her face, hearing her jokes, and though I am still attracted to others, I have no other crushes, no other people are calling to me in the same way she does. But love? Is there something more out there?

I am applying to jobs, looking for jobs. The first round is out there and I am not sure whether I should continue or wait to hear back. Many of them won’t even receive the emails until tomorrow. Tomorrow I interview for one company at 7 AM. Considering waking at 5AM get a shower in, and some coffee. Maybe review some old TEFL terms to throw in. 

What were my other goals? 

Stay in shape… that’s been a bust so far. Minnesota weather is so limiting. Even now I am wondering if my aching joints are due to the weather. My wrists are irritated with typing and my tooth is definitely in bad shape. Might end up investing in a new tooth. Probably gaining  weight.  All around speaks to a need to leave or find some healthier routine. 

Spanish?  It’s nice to dabble, hear a bit spoken and understand. Hard not to sneak a few words into conversations. Will need to head somewhere directly south to learn more. Applied to Mexico, Ecuador and Guatemala. At least put that out into the world. 

Music and art, nada.

Grandpa video, nothing yet.

Writing… somewhat decent. Probably kept to the first 15 pages thing,  but some of that was job applications. Just haven’t developed a routine. Feel a little too far away from my normal coffee shops... and I can't seem to wake up and go to sleep at normal times. I would ideally like to wake up at like 8 and start work at 9. Crank out some writing by the early afternoon and then do something else with my day. 

Reading, read one book, another couple slowly being incorporated. 

Seeing friends?  Yeah actually. Pretty simple, still got a handful to go, but made some plans and contacts. I am sort of surprised how easy its been. I found right away that I had nothing to say, but slowly I feel more like a person. With more contact I can be updated on people's lives and start to be a friend again. I went to the zoo with some of my college friends. That was actually really nice.

Have I accomplished anything with this?  

Not really.  

I am home. I am preparing to leave again. I don't know where. I have thoughts about random places in the world. I think priority goes to Latin America, but after that its just whatever sounds good. I don't know when the best time to leave would be. I am hoping some time in February so that I don't feel trapped here. I am still very aware that I am not grounded here. I don't have a house to return to. My stuff is scattered. I have no routine and haven't looked into jobs here or anything.  I like most of the seasons here, but winter is even worse than I remember. Its not so much that I feel overwhelmed by it, just that it keeps me from feeling healthy. I never thought I would be a person who wants to be outside all the time, or exercise or whatever... but I am feeling a lot of cabin fever and its 2 degrees out. 

I need to clean my room and maybe buy a desk. Open some windows or bring in a fan.

I am trying to save money and yet trying not to stifle my standard of living. I think it is more important to stay active than to save money. I can make money later. 

Life still feels full of opportunities. When I get rejected from a few of these jobs, then the reality might creep in. I will be forced to take a job in Dubai or China.  I don't know which one I am more afraid of. 

Any who... I better do some real writing.