Updates all open and honest

Well How do you do?

I guess I have been drifting on this here blog for quite a while. Often times I just don't feel like sharing or feel there is nothing new to update anyone or myself about.

So what has been going on?


Well for one thing, I have been going to concerts. Last night I went to see Sage Francis, Cecil Otter and Building Better Bombs at First Ave. It was the first time I had seen Building Better Bombs in a long time (I had no idea the dude from Mel Gibson and the Pants was their bassist). I enjoyed the show for the most part. It was very entertaining, but around 1:00 I could definitely feel the tiredness setting in, and it made me feel old. Several of the people I went with were not as entertained as I was... and I can understand their perspective, but I feel like entertainers have to be able to have an off day just like the rest of us.
Recent shows have also included Mel Gibson and the Pants and several hip hop artists I am just starting to get to know (Morgan is in to them).

Music: I have been listening to like 4 albums repeatedly, but also throwing some new mixes I got from some morris cats, and some other cds in the mix. Abandoned Ship and the Curse is Cast (I think they are the same band after the move to a different city) have been playing pretty strongly. Also John Frusciante's new cd took some time to warm up to, but now I love it. I also have been enjoying some hip hop and mel gibson and the pants seems to be heavy in the rotation.

One of the problems all this music and concerts have brought up is the fact that I have become more and more hearing impaired over the last few years... most specifically in my left ear. It is extremely sensitive and after shows it usually hurts for a day or two. I am starting to become aware that I have to take care of myself... so last night was the first concert I have ever worn ear plugs for. It wasn't an all together uncomfortable experience, just that I couldn't really have conversations with the 10 or so people I knew at the concert. Which isn't necessarily an unpleasant thing, as I am often distracted by people at concerts... but at the same time it sucks when you can't enjoy things with your friends.

Friends...
I have been trying to open up and hang around new and older people lately. I don't mean old as in age wise, I mean that I am trying to re-cultivate old friendships. Sometimes there are people who jump in and out of your life and perhaps I jumped out of a few too many peoples. Its nice to get to know them again, but I find that we are all somewhat struggling with the same issues... only my life seems to be a bit more permanent than theirs (theres?).
I have also been sort of rekindling an old (as in 5-6 years ago) friendship with a woman I knew in high school. Its weird because our lives have taken us very different places, but I feel very open to talk with her... she probably wouldn't feel that I have been open as I seem to be very intimidated by her(always was). The crush I was talking about in that poem is most directly related to her. I started feeling really out of control and not sure of who I was or who I wanted to be... some sort of feeling of wanting to impress someone. I hadn't had that in a while so it seemed really odd... but now its pretty much gone, though I do look forward to getting to know her, I don't feel like I need to change myself and don't feel like I need to feel rushed. I know that she is interested in me as a friend, and that she is open to who I am... and that's a really nice feeling. No need to push or attempt anything more.

Work: Work is going good... its really busy and sort of stressful because I have to coordinate all these tests and test dates... you have no idea what is involved in making a secure test secure. Its a huge pain in the ass and I feel bad for every student and every test monitor in existence. The other day I was packing up the secured tests that had already been taken for one test, and once that was done in the particular order it needed to be done, I had to unpack and check off the various components of the next test. This whole thing took me like an hour and a half. How am I supposed to teach?
Teaching: Classes have started slow. I have 3 social studies classes and 1 english class and then the group classes. US history is back in its normal pace, the students hate it and so do I at times. We just did WWI and a student complained about why they needed to know it, and I was pretty much in agreement. I mean I find it fascinating but why should they care? We talked about the flue epidemic that killed more people than the war, and how the US only joined at the last minute and under false pretenses, but what do they care beyond that? But we will get closer and closer to now as the days go on and they will take more interest.
Civics is more fun, I am not sure how into it the kids will be... especially since many of them have probably already had it... but yesterday I sent them into the computer lab to research laws they thought were stupid, and to come up with 10 laws they wanted to get rid of, and 10 laws they thought should be created. We shall see if they can defend their choices. I plan on spending a good portion of next week challenging them on these laws.
Economics is the pain in the ass I thought it might be. There are 2-3 kids out of a 10 student class that are interested the rest are pretty much sleeping. I can't make them care, I can't get into too many specifics and I can't explain big concepts with out the details... so its hard to approach the topic. So far we have talked about types of economies and economic principles (scarcity and choice).
Right now we have about 10 students who should be graduating within the next month... and honestly, though some of them are great students I think its time for them to move on. They are the old leaders who in many ways never stepped up to lead the new class, and so they sit around knowing what to do and not doing it. Many of them are great people, super funny and smart, super talented and they all have great personalities, but they just don't always help the community.
Also the school is packed right now, because we knew several students were leaving... we started with extra.

Other: I just got my 4 track recording device, so I haven't started that yet. Last night I had a dream about creating beautiful music on guitar, but while I was playing I noticed the strings were doing whatever they wanted, crossing and mixing... it was a chaotic dance, it was acoustic wonderment all distorted and crazy. But I am noticing that when I listen to music now I pay more attention to what techniques the guitarists are using, and guess at how easy or difficult a song might be to play. I have figured out parts of songs just by listening and messing around, I don't know that they are the *right* way to play it, but they sound right.I have been reading some books on sexuality. I have not been drawing or painting nearly enough. I have not been writing... but I did make some cartoons (as you have seen). I have not gone to any open mics like I planned to. I have not done my taxes yet, nor gotten my car fixed. These are the things on my checklist.

I hope you are well. I have probably been thinking about you (if I know you) and if not then, I have probably been thinking of you as a part of a larger human picture. I pray about you you know... I pray and say please watch over and help reassure this person and all the people they depend on, and each of those people and their people and their people and so on. I like to think of the branches that spread outward across the globe to reach you. It makes me feel good, to send you positive vibes even if you don't believe in it. I know you talk to me in my dreams so I don't see why I cant send you mine thoughts.
Even though I am not the best of peoples, I have been trying a little harder lately, forgive my stumbles... I mean to write back to you... or call you, but I am trying to make sure there is enough of me to go around... and sometimes that means holding back, and sometimes I am just nervous, because I don't have anything to say... and though I probably loved you once (as in wanting to nurture you), I may only have love feelings now and sometimes they don't come with that nurturance... so I just send you some vibes here and there... that's the truth... I hope it don't hurt...

I think only good poets can stick humor into their art... at some point I would like to be funny.

to have a crush or two

I'm sort of sick with this.
I think I am thinking/feeling way too much given the circumstances.
Its really starting to scare me.
How easily I lead myself to destruction because it smiles so nice.

How quickly one forgets one's self,
these positions that look the same.
These subtleties that remind,
these longings to touch and hold

when was the last time you felt so swept
and later swept to the corner where you weeped
how many embraces tarred and torn
how many lies to and from those adored.

I am pleasant, positive,
all connections aside
I am driven, good and confident
none from you derived.

Yet I find myself striving,
wondering what you would like
and it almost feels right
it almost feels right.

cartoon poem

Capitalism in Recession

I’m raving about the economy like a capitalist bourgeoisie, reminding me I am upper class roots, entrepreneur family, liberal education, but my student sentiments are not for thee liberty
with all its gambled excitement,
but security for equality..
The King’s Monopoly hotels and housing, the losers,
a dice throw from being us all

Saturday Night woot!

just for the stewie

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

www.superpoop.com

something about splintering selves and pieces to fit in

So I was thinking about myself last night as I went to bed, as I often do (well I think about life a lot). Anyway I was thinking about all the parts of me that are separated out.
Some people have confronted me about this before... the good and bad mike. I see them, but I also wonder about the work mike, the play mike, the creative mike, the dreamer mike, the dependable mike, the counselor mike, the spiritual mike and so on.
I rarely feel like they all come together... and many times I or others have given them different names. I think thats funny. That parts of me go by different names. I can imagine being in a place where I have given up on this life and start referring to each part by its name.
I was thinking about how long I could last on a hunger strike. If I were ever sent to prison (regardless of whether I deserved it or not) which mike would I allow to live, would there be new mikes to help me survive... would there suddenly be a tough guy mike for instance?
Would I work more towards the enlightened... the martyr, the activist, the writer or painter?
Would I counsel people? Would I allow myself, or force myself to go crazy?
Would I hurt myself?
I can imagine all of these possibilities and more.
I can imagine being more splintered or more whole.
Over the years I am not sure I have ever brought these parts together... I think in many ways they become more distant to each other, and in some cases I like the idea of adding more.

One of my students says he never shows us his real side.
I feel like I have many real sides, but none of them is me... and by societal standards I cannot allow them to be, I cannot allow me to exist for you.
And isnt me changing, all of the me's.


I went to bed pretty sure that I could eventually let go of one of the me's. Over night it fought back.
I had a dream.
We were playing adult Jenga. If you haven't played its like normal jenga only each piece has different actions on the block that you have to perform (normal drinking game things as well as more sensual and/or sexual acts).
I have only ever played this game once. I was with some friends, but mostly strangers. I wasn't comfortable, but I was excited.
In the dream I was playing, equally as excited and equally as uncomfortable. Nothing really happened... just the thought.
When I woke up, I tried to guess at who the people in the dream were.
I decided that I hoped they were all strangers, because I wouldn't feel comfortable playing with friends.

I wonder why?
Another piece to add back in...
I forgot one of the reasons I had the piece in the first place is because I wanted to not objectify, or hurt, or push boundaries with my friends.
I didn't want to "practice" with people's hearts, minds or bodies. I wanted to see them fully, as more than sexual beings.

One of the readings we have at school says studies show that ____certain things____ lead to voyeurism, fetishism, and trophy-ism.

Causing problems in people's lives.
I was on this trolley for the past few weeks... thinking about how these things have played out in my life, for the negative.

Then this dream... and I was like, wait studies like this can't show causation, only correlation. Wait we live in one of the most voyeuristic societies in the history of the world, how would they separate out these variables? Wait, fetishism happens without this, and furthermore it happens in some cases before introduction to this... wait trophy-ism is a western societal norm.
Now I'm not saying any of this is good. No, it might be the ~its not good to be normal in a sick society thing... but how do we figure out these variables... isn't it more gray?

I always thought I would have healthy relationships.
I haven't really (I mean I love them, but it wasn't "good" for us right?).
Maybe its a matter of bad chemistry.
Maybe its a matter of bad communication, people who didn't know enough about themselves or the world.
Maybe its a matter of being sick.



I like the message my students walk away with. I wish I had gotten it in high school.
I wish I could get it now.

Can one ever simplify when things have already gotten more complex?
Will I eventually be more "healthy"?
Is it a matter of pursuing being different, or just being confident about who I have been and who I am now?

Oh well... more questions than answers as always.

its a process mike, a long long process.

On my way to work today I felt as if maybe I was losing my mind and enjoying the process. Wondered if that’s why I was seeing things again, wondering why I wasn’t paranoid this time. It felt like being slightly high. It felt like being slightly lifted from one’s body. It felt like the sun was shining too bright in my eyes, and instead of the painful squint, I was just tired and delusional. It felt good though -Warm and peaceful, Hopeful even, suddenly becoming aware that things are a process.

I was very humbled today. Not put in my place, not put down, I was humbled by a student’s words. A final straw that broke down a wall… and I realized how fragile I am. Not in some self pitying way… not in some conflict with myself or the world (certainly not with her) though I knew it was there if I wanted to pick it up (for there is nothing I can’t compete with, nothing I can’t shrug off with self justifying logic… I am smart enough… or weak enough). There you have it. I recognized at first in a gasp how frail men were. Our masks so easily shattered, so very vulnerable. How long have I known this and hadn’t let it sink in (of course I have, of course I will again). But it wasn’t much of a jump to squash my defenses… how weak I am. How easily humbled. How good?

There was something in the air today. A restlessness, a discontent, a hostility, too much angst and adolescence in the air. I defended myself for no reason, and was lied to for no reason, and pulled myself up for no reason, and pulled someone else up out of joy. I recognized some needs and adapted myself to them. It needed to be cleaned so I told them to do it, and when they were gone, I continued, somewhat agitated doing a job twice, somewhat more aware how fragile we are, somewhat aware how strong I could be.

It wasn’t long from that moment, agitated and aware of our weaknesses when I was suddenly made aware again of my own. How long have I been living this way? I’d been thinking about it all week, of the people I have hurt, of the things I have said and done. Of my rather constant search for exoneration without anyone knowing of any of it. So much weight. So much fear. A teacher made a joke and my reaction so perfectly proclaimed it, on the inside I said “I wouldn’t be in this room right now and you would all hate me.” How weak I am, I submitted, let the world shake me, use me, spit me out like a bad taste… or rather I did it. I did it all and why? Because I am weak, fragile, and hurt, and I thought I was owed it, if I could get away with it, and I was wrong and knew it at the time, but did it anyway -and since then I have played the martyr, tried to let everyone walk on me in my-self hatred. Stood up for myself on behalf of others and never me. Lived for them, not me. It was easier… it was more deserved… because I am not a strong or good person.
So easy to hate yourself.
Lately we have been talking about assertiveness.
I tried. I failed. I was passive aggressive, I over relied on someone. I isolated myself and became dependent. She didn’t know what she was in for. I tried to figure out how to be self justified, self righteous.
I don’t feel sorry for explaining my feelings, or for hurting. I feel bad for my actions, for making them your problem… but they are your problem… right? Isn’t that assertiveness?
“I feel hurt because you did this.”
I thought that’s the new mike. The fuck you, I am me.
But it felt wrong too. Like I had to shatter something to be me. It’s a trippy ass thing, to jump from passive, to aggressive to passive to aggressive. I wish someone had taught me when I was younger that I was ok. Because then maybe I wouldn’t have done those things. I wish someone had told me I could be me.
I guess at 25, I still am, and I was humbled today as I have been every day, because I heard the words of students who looked bright with smiles and proclaimed to a room “I am me, this is what I believe, and what I do with it.”
I know they lie straight-faced. I know it’s easy to tell people something when they don’t see you all the time. But I’m starting to realize I am a gullible person, and I like it. I like to believe that they are as strong and self righteous as they proclaim… it gives me something to aspire to.

and I'm not done yet, shit, I'm just beginning.

I need a new world

I hate when I am angry at myself and someone else... I can never figure out which it is, or which it should be.

I am dangerously unstable right now. Not in any life threatening way, just so very aware how perilous the balance is. And I am supposed to be seeking out companionship... yeah right, I can't even keep my friends interested. I can't even write them back or call them back when they call me. I can't even ask how their day was, because I am so self centered right now that I can't wrap up the energy to care.

Then I go and feel so fucking sorry for myself over some little thing, and bring the drama tornado to the city as if it would be helpful.
And yet, am I wrong?
no, I'm human. I am very passive aggressive. I am very insecure and hurt.
Its hard to build a mountain when you don't have a platform to start on.

So I can listen to people tell me all day how I need to be more of a go getter, more open, more honest, more assertive, but when I don't truly believe I'm worthy, and they (even for a second) behave or say that I am not... well the whole thing falls down.
So yeah...
fuck it.
and fuck you,
cuz I'm angry and hurt and not confident enough to say please help me up.

and this post is very obviously stupid and part of the fucking problem and
Thats what you get when you don't think you deserve anything... a selfish fuckhead snapping at everyone,
because hes told he should be more assertive.

this makes me teary eyed (every time)

An Interesting Experience In Class

Today I had an interesting realization. It came at the behest of a student trying to defend himself, by placing the world on me. Do I actually believe he wanted me to think this way? I think its the fact that he didn't care enough to wonder... didn't see me as a human, but rather as some drone to whom he could ditch his shit upon and run away clear hearted. Do I believe he wanted me to think my job a mundane or perhaps cruel position, a prison guard, a dictator with bound hands, a babysitter... yes, he wanted me to see myself the way he saw me.
Cruel adolescence, rub thee of any empathy, of any respect?
Or had I?
Today I had an interesting revelation. It came to me suddenly and hit with all the rage of a tsunami and yet I couldn't snap like a tree, I couldn't flood like a building, I couldn't scream like a child, I had to take it. It poured into me, yet again like a poison that I must simultaneously suck from the wound. A perilous feat to attend to, especially while balancing on too feet, the poison making me dizzy, the intoxicant making my speech hazy yet I must speak, for isn't that my purpose? I'm in the middle of giving a lecture. The disease is brought on slowly, but sometimes hits like a baseball bat across the face, and today was my day of standing too close to the batter. One could fill up with rage when being struck, but most don't because the blow knocks them from their confidence, knocks the warm air from their lungs, and the bruise becomes as normal as the breathing. Each breath. Each day, another attempt to regain their composure, to regain some semblance of the humanity they know should be there. The search leads to many ill-fitted ragtag designs, a new plan, a new addiction, a new voice that isn't theirs but they learn to project with it, to create fear with it, to create the condition of oppression they wish didn't exist in the world, and that each ludicrous lecture lambastes against. They may take this character on until it consumes, or reject it straight away. But does the profession require it?

(at this point to project hope upon myself, I would say NO, but the truth is, I don't know)

Today I had an interesting reality. I was confronted with the reasons why people leave jobs they love. They do it, so it doesn't destroy them.
What after all am I willing to give? Already I see my friends less, my parents and family seldom. My love life seems unavailable. My recovery time seems to take longer and longer. I am exhausted. I am confused. I am hurt and struggling. I am fake, insincere. I am in a relationship with a job in which I give as much as I can, and get very little (at times) back.
I see, or rather I feel why people give up. I won't but I don't blame them. I cant imagine these circumstances lasting forever... but if I could, I would most certainly be disheartened and walk away to find something more fulfilling.




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Right now, I am fine. I am not thinking or nor never really was thinking of quitting my job. I just question my ability to do it sometimes... and today was one of the first days where I really wondered what the point was. Later in the day I got to share with a class about many good things I have seen in the world. It was really nice. I almost had too much stuff. I am glad my job allows me to follow my passions in terms of content... because the babysitter role is really too much for me. I hate the idea that my students look at me as a warden rather than a connection.
I hate when they treat me like I have no worth except to correct them. It really is such a selfish mentality they get caught in. I can imagine why parents lose their minds when their children become teens. Suddenly aware that they have no idea who this person is before them... and though they want to find out, the child has little to offer or refuses. They seem like adults sometimes but other times like sociopaths.

um links

Minneapolis Social Studies Teachers all got together on friday to share ideas and start moodle accounts where we can continue to share ideas. I was probably the youngest person in the room, including the student teachers (who looked to be in their late 20s early 30s). It saddened me to know both that this was a really good idea (sharing shit online) and that no one would do it (no time or understanding how helpful it would be).

There is a postsecret this week I really like.

Morgan introduced me to this comedian. I think shes funny. Check out her shit on myspace and youtube

You'd have guessed

I’m tempted to write a poem, but I don’t think I can make this sound beautiful.
(I am listening to my favorite music dvd so its hard to compare you know).

I’m sure I have written about things like this before so I am sorry if it is boring… but my readership is down to about a cat and a half and the random strangers who barge in looking for a lyric, a name or something kinky. Speaking of which, I sometimes feel like I should advertise that I have a blog, but at the same time I worry about the things I say here getting out… so I can’t very well just tell everyone on facebook to look me up and down, and what do I have to say of interest lately anyway? I can’t even keep up a conversation that doesn’t revolve around my work day –because it’s been intense lately.
(had to turn up the volume to sing along with john on “Otherside” the backup vox is half the fun).
Anyway, so I was thinking about the funny way I (we?) categorize people and our relationships.
The people we love, like and lust after. The people we have one of those with, but refuse to entertain the idea of any other. Add in fear, add in insecurity and you get weird combinations. I could lust after person A, but would never tell them, because I like them, I don’t love them… I don’t know that we would ever love each other… so why bother? I love person B, but I don’t lust after them, I worry that they assume the worst because of this and I know that we could never have anything other than a friendship… I like person C, there is room for both love and lust, but I fear person C might not know the side of me that I want them too, and I’m afraid to show them that because so far they like me, so nothing happens.
Odd.
Sometimes I might say
“Hey Goddess, if you stepped down from the clouds you might see me, but I like the view of you up there… so keeping singing.”
“Hey dreamgirl, you’ve been inspiring me since before I met you in person, you remind me of things I keep hidden, like my innocence (for fear that I could lose it forever). Only you don’t keep yours hidden and I love it.”
“Hey friend, wrap your arms around me but ask first cuz maybe I don’t mean to break your heart, only satisfy some temporary need.”

So one of the things that gets to me when playing guitar is that I don't understand how the instrument works. And that will take a while... like with a piano or drums its so easy... percussion is bueno. On a keyboard if you want to go higher you go to the right, if you want to go lower you go left... half steps can make your sharps and flats. Chords are generally a finger or two off from what you would think they are.... but with a guitar every chord is different. the difference between a major and minor is still usually that half step, but completely different each time.
When I want to play something I don't instantly recognize the chord when it is repeated...

for instance, a summer or two ago I was listening to some damien rice, who is actually pretty easy to play and I just started messing around to find the right notes on the keyboard. sure I may not play it exactly right... I might play the note when they play half the chord... but the melody isn't as tough... but with a guitar I gotta spend like an hour looking up the chords, and then mess around with it until it sounds "ok"
still... I figure if I keep playing a half an hour -hour a day I should be able to be comfortable with some things by like fall right?
One thing I really gotta work on is my rhythm on the guitar... strumming chords is not as easy as playing a chord on a piano.
Plus there are 6 strings and half the time you only play 4-5...
Plus you gotta have your left hand in the right place.

Shit is tough.... oh and if I do get decent enough to play... i have to go buy an acoustic, because you can't play an unplugged electric when you go camping, or when you are sitting around with your friends.