it seems like every one and their mom wants to date an older man, hell even i do sometimes... i mean brad pitt is so dreamy. but honestly, if all my friends at 20ish are dating 30 somethings... then shouldnt guys my age be dating 12 yr olds? (no im not serious, thats gross and im sorry) and i totally do see the disconnect between 22 yr olds and even 18 yr olds... but how does it leap from like 21f-24/7m to 35m all of a sudden? are you guys trying to get married? are they? or do they just want to have sex with you and know that 30 something yr old women might want more committment...

anyway, thats a stupid rant.
Im headed to morris.
My facebook picture is funny.
my comp is in the shop.
my third arm is missing.
and everyone is right that it is fucking stupidly hot and humid out.

today was not an easy day... still on a list the highs outnumber the lows

Highs:
lunch with my mom (turkish food)
oil change at luxury auto wash place with free pop and squirt guns for the kids!
dinner and talk with melissa
talking with lex
drawing
seeing krystin

lows:
comp
sadness/worries
seeing krystin
worries



Me and melissa are hoping to make it to morris in a few days to see our house... maybe sign the lease, have dinner with lex, i told my dad i would be back by sunday to have dinner.


I've had a headache on and off for about a week. its one of those really bland sort of dull headaches that you dont really notice till you sit still, lay down, or listen to music loudly. melissa told me a friend of hers had a headache and they found out her brain was bleeding. its so stupidly dull i dont want to take tylenol or anything because it doesnt seem like its big enough, and yet everytime i sit for a moment im reminded "oh yeah i have a headache."
i think its built up pressure... but thats so silly when things seem aight.
I feel bad about it, but for days now i have been waking up and going to sleep thinking i need a face and head rub from lex.

a little rant:

My computer is broken (this is my moms)
simply put, it will not go in to windows. It will however go to windows task manager -which means all hope is not lost. But it will not go in to any form of windows, including safe mode (which doesnt seem very safe to me).
round 2
This on top of the fact that I recently decided (a few days ago) NOT to buy a new computer which meant updating the virus software of this one (100$-2 years) and I downloaded it, and didnt get the warranty which makes it available for 1 year but rather the warranty that makes it available for two weeks.
Round 3
I called the Hewlett packard people (the makers) and they said I would have to wipe my computer clean, but that first I should contact some local people to see if they can backup "my documents" like say my 6 months worth of europe pictures or whatever.... but first they made me pay (100$) to extend my warranty for the laptop.... and even when they wipe it clean, there is no guarantee it will work.
round 4
I called best buy and they said they can do whatever I need, but it will take 5 days (at least) and cost at least (100$) but I have worked with this best buy before... and not only do they usually not help, but they also usually take up to 3 weeks when they say 1 week... (these are the guys who lost one of my comp games, and didnt send me a new copy for about 2.5 months)
round 5
I havent been able to upload pictures from my computer to the internet en mass for several months -sure i can put up one at a time, but i cant make facebook albums, or snapfish alubums or yahoo albums, or even put them on here. and when i do, it says contact the internet service provider, but this is regardless of what internet i use... i think... -not only does that blow... but it also keeps me from backing up my precious photos on the internet... (just in case something happens like where i might need to erase my hard drive)
Round 6
I got 100$ worth of computer games a year ago and havent been able to play them because this computer isnt up to date on graphics software and because it is a laptop it cant be updated.
round 7
the battery on my laptop has never been good, and basically lasts for about 10-15 minutes which means it always has to be plugged in, which means (although it is not as bad as a desk top) it doesnt have the friendly use anywhere-ness of a normal notebook.

So thats that....
I spent a fortune, or will soon, and i dont even necessarly get a working computer back... which makes me want to buy a new one... which means spending a fucking goat load more...
but....

round 8.... even if i do that...... my external hard drive (think way back on this one) still wont work with out some sort of repair... and if they wipe my laptop clean.... it may never get restored...
which means tons and tons and tons of hours of uploading music not to mention a year worth of pictures, stories games... etc.... all fucked.

so thats my rant... and like many of you have felt at some point in your lives...
right now i hate computers!

I recently watched walk the line, with lex... which is a great movie and i really think i will buy it, its also a really beautiful song, but sadly from a very mixed up man..... but anyway... that stuff is not the reason i started like johhny cash... it was before the "hurt" video and the other covers, it was after hearing burning ring of fire and several of his other songs... (they were great, but not what i was looking for)
it was when i saw a replay of the live tv performance of this song

Man In Black by Johnny Cash

Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.

I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.

Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.

I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.

Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black

its funny, after 6 months of complaining.... i finally shut up, and thus stop posting... so content, so happy with everything...
Today I met Illy's grandparents a lovely english couple (i'll throw in jewish because its so prominent in their lives, where as often its not something i would make excessively known) anyway... I met her grandparents and sat down with her gramps who kept exclaiming that i looked very familiar like someone he had once known, and he wondered about my family... it was really nice and clean and for some reason felt a lot like heaven to me... looking through their window at the apartment building's pool. the glass statues in the glass display case, the books on the table... their comfortable couch and clean carpet... her gramps was worried about his age and health. Illy says hes a bit of a drama king. I wonder if G-d is that way, wondering, worrying, complaining about this and that... and i hope that he makes me an angel cuz like lex with my gramps, it felt really nice to sit and listen, to reassure and be reassured.
They told me i have the face of a good teacher.

I let him believe my gramps was also a gunner on a destroyer in the war, though i really just meant to say he was on a destroyer.
small differences- that mean nothing compared to a man who feels a glimmer of connection to a world he sees slipping away.
heaven is nice place and connection.

maybe thats why i am so happy. i feel like im connected again... though its hard and weird to figure out schedules. But the people i connect to dont seem to feel the same way as Me... somehow due to the place and position they currently inheret i seem a strange oddity -not struggling like they do and in someways it puts me at distance.... though not something to be striving for... more the exception the oddity.

i wish i could pull off the old peace-chillax-flow-smooth calm-meditate bullshit too complex and too simple to be of any good in trying times...

the future of course is unknown, my fortune cookie said that my luck will soon change... and my luck has been awesome so im preparing...
and you should too cuz im sure this blog will have all the ranting/

but until thanks for all the happiness.
peace and love
to you
taff

do you always search for something profound to say before you blog or write? i dont this is a venting blog. like a 15 yr olds xanga or myspace...
"inside i scream like a madman"

im frustrated because i thought i would have more time with becky before she left. I didnt try very hard before she went to vegas because i thought i needed time to adjust and honestly i thought if i hinted for her to call she would. plus i thought i had a month or two... now it turns out.. a week or two.
she had a good time in vegas. she has a job interview next monday in wisconsin, she is moving the weekend after next. two weeks- while she is globe trotting all around the area... and im supposedly moving in to a house, visiting my parents rented cabin, hanging out with illy, visiting old friends in morris, and making the future we have chosen work out.
Where is there even time to hang out with her?
i spose i have forgotten how boring morris is, and how i will surely have time to see her, especially considering i can help her move and stuff. but its different, last time i was helping her move in to an apartment, this time im helping them move to his place.
its not nearly as hard as helping illy pack to go die in chicago. (what i thought at the time though she said it was the best thing, while i cried with her random stuff in my hands-trying to figure out how i could both be there for her and be there for her)
same thing this time i guess. Im not sure how she feels anymore, she says she is excited to move and go work. Im excited to get on with my life too, but im unsure how far i am willing/wanting to let her go. How does one find themselves in a situation where they consistently feel they are making the best decisions for themselves, and still regret the negative feelings that come with them.
this is not the normal me, im usually able to see the good in situations, and for now... do i fake it?

Sometimes (especially when i have been alone too long) I start feeling really fucked up. Like i cant do things right, like what i care about isnt good enough for others, and the decisions i have made hurt others when really i want to care for them, or the care i have tried to show isnt wanted, or appreciated.
movies usually help. tonight i watched sarah silverman's "jesus is magic" and waiting (ryan renolds and others.
they were aight, but not what i was hoping for... often during the movie i stopped to check AIM, facebook and e mail.
movies used to cost me 6 for 3 bucks on tuesdays... its not tuesday but the two of them cost me 10 bucks... and thats fucked up too.
im tired and need to go to bed.
I was gonna take time off to find myself, and what i found was disappointment and regret piled on top of regret.
but today was not a bad day... it was rather ok... things went well. i used to be satisfied, content with a day filled with movies and music.... apparently now im needy.

You ever do things just because you think they need to be done?
I spose in some ways I am here because of that (here in every sense of the word)
what a powerful urge.

anyway i was talking to lex last night, about how i could have come up to morris last night (a few days earlier than planned) but that i shouldnt because i supposedly have other things to do. And tomorrow that may or may not be true (depending on what becky wants) but today i dont officially have anything going.

my two thoughts have been:
A) local music rock out session. by local music i mainly mean highschool stuff I used to listen to, I want to get reaquainted with the brilliance of young musicians and possibly the angst of them as well. But I also just want to get centered here, remind me of who i am, and what i came from... so Madhatter the drones, 13 after, bts, mu maker, pleasure pause, 7 days, light show, maybe even some nicely nicely if i get my tape player. (but right now im listening to the chili peppers, so this project hasnt begun)
B) I got all these art supplies last week thinking the moment i got them i would be inspired to paint or draw or what not... and i thought i was inspired before, i thought i had ideas, but now they all sit on my floor... canvas, poster board, paint, pencils, pens, tiles, etc etc...
im tempted to look through art books and other artists stuff for inspiration but sometimes that backfires and makes me feel worse. I also have a million photos to inspire but.... and then theres just my general mood, of feeling sort of sick, and not wanting to leave my bed even though i cant sleep (fucking jetlag) also i dont have a work surface other then my floor, and who wants to sit on the floor all day.
When i got the supplies i was thinking "who cares if its bad, i will just make so much art, no one will notice." well the first piece is the hardest, because there is nothing else to display with it (to lessen its shite-ness)

maybe i will hang with illy later and she can get me inspired...

Im feeling sick... sort of light headed today, but that didnt stop the process.

I have been down in rochester for the past 4 days hanging with my brothers and my older brothers wonderful staff.
highlights included
* "signwars"
* meeting cool people
* hanging out with robyn
* food runs
* the debates
* winning today
* seeing james emotional
* seeing james so adament about not allowing a smear campaign

So let me start closer to the beginning.
My older brother is the campaign manager for Mark Ritchie (the man the dems want for the next secretary of state) its an extrememly important job, that doesnt get a lot of coverage... but it did this time, because there was expected to be a very tight race, between our guy and a young top lawyer named christian sande.
Anyway... James has been working for months, to make sure everyone knows that Ritchie is the man, and he is very well connected. His endorsement list and past work experiances are overwhelmingly amazing, for instance if you saw the daily show on election night last time, you saw him talking to Jon stewart, as he was the national director for all those new voter registration groups like the nov 2nd people, they got over 5 million people registered to vote and such...

anyway. this weekend was the big endorsement at the dfl convention...
and james doesnt sleep and doesnt eat much either and works around the clock with a staff of incredibly professional people who all know exactly what to do, and me and steve walk in and goof around hoping to help, but feeling a little out of place. (not that there werent other first time volunteers, but that we get treated a little different since we are living and working and eatin with the staff full time, as james brothers...)

anyway.
this morning we woke bright and early and had a rally on the lawn. then moved it inside, and prepared for a floor demonstration, in which me and steve were supposed to lead groups of organized demonstrators in to the civic center and have them dance and cheer, but that got out of hand, when they moved the race up 15-20 minutes and we didnt have time to prepare, so we just sent em out and rocked the place to "we are family" or whatever. the room was packed with delegates and signs in blue (ours) and light green (theirs).
Most of sande (the other guy)s staff was young kids who hadnt done anything before nd they were very effective in getting seen and pumped up, but didnt really know the inner workings of a campaign (it seemed like)
so the whole time we had people persuading delegates and alternates, and when it came to balloting time (which has to be 60% for one person or they keep doing it) we got 57% (fairly unexpected) and Sande graciously bowed out of the race.

we all got emotional, but it sucks to see that someone has to lose (considering we are all "dems") anyway... one of the most amazing things for me and steve is that, we may believe ritchie is the best man for the job, but us and much of the staff are there for james. Its an amazing thing to see people so engaged and so inspired to work together and solve problems, especially when what they are inspired by is just other people who they know would do the same..... james and mark have both worked with so many people and inspired so many, that they come out in force and do the most incredible things just to make sure that things continue in the right direction.

hmmm
this is all babbled i know. but it was one of my proudest moments today with my brothers, to see james win, and hopefully again in the fall, it kind of just made you feel things were back on track, that hard work, patience, and good idealism does pay off.

SO yeah....
good times, and i feel like its more important than ever to get involved with this stuff.
Recently someone told me they didnt vote, and i was slightly disappointed, but i think whats really important, and really true about the whole voting thing is that maybe one vote doesnt count, maybe the canidates are too alike, maybe there are problems with the system.... but they are solvable... people can work together to change these things, and voting is a small piece in a larger puzzle of how things can change. It takes a lot of work and organization to make it worth it, and thus why people should get involved (i used to be more reluctant too) but its amazing to see things change for the better...
anyway :::::even if you dont vote, it doesnt keep you from being a valuable part of the process, so those of you who are apathetic... its still important to follow the ideas up with action, and if you are doing so in whatever way, you are making a valuable contribution... -for example, last night (unknown to us till today) me and steve convinced a woman at a diner to vote for our guy, simply because we sat down and talked to her about us... about how much we wanted to support james and eachother and what not... hell i even told her about my parents and shit... we werent persueding her, we were connecting, and she gave us baklava!!! hell we thought she was the one who was being nice... we were just being us... and sometimes all it takes is someone bein themselves and trying to be better...

whatever... sorry for the rant..
marl ritchie for s.o.s in the fall!

its kind of like the things you do wont ever be good enough, the satis factory is closed.


If you know or not, i use to practice the socratic method. I used to be more like russ, i spose, closed off and trying to mentally stimulate and even a touch of that often sympathised with sexual tension creepiness, but anyway, is the socratic method really just a mind fuck for people who think they smarter? did socrates sew crates together? and by that i mean did he allow his method to be performed on him, or was he a creppy grandmaster pope like fool?

I had lunch with my moms, we revealed the secrets, the doubts and hopes like they were nothing like we do. and smiled and hugged when we were done like we do, like this sort of connection is normal. my motha gives me advice that makes sense but that she probably also takes advantage of, as in she can say straight faced that it would be good for me to have boundaries and not open up to everyone the way i do, but she also likes it when i open up to her like i do it makes her feel connected to me, like all those others. its more important than boundaries that protect.. these are bridges.

I never saw menards as a place to go for art supplies and now i know better, but the true menards shoppers park by the exit, thats why u can get a good spot at the front, cuz they know whatever it is they buy is gonna be heavy as hell.

that nap should have been more revitalizing.
these cds are great
and so is django who i slept by.

Yesterday i woke and decided to get settled.. get centered... get involved.
And thus after an hour or two kicking shit around in my room, a quick shower led me to the leann chin of last summer, (terriyaki shrimp, lemon chicken over white rice)
and on to the stores.
but first let me confess, before shower i was checking myself in the mirror, feeling i could manage to drop 10 lbs to find a better mirror image, and then wandering through my mothers room, i checked the scale and was suprised to find a lean 150 lb boy... the number made me happy, and that makes me sad.
Its good though, cuz im gonna gain about 15 y the end of the summer, since i dont walk anymore and continue to eat like shit.
anyway...
target found me
* earrings (which i havent unpacked from last semester)
* deoderant (since the shitty polish fem stuff is wearing off)
* a belt (you know the old shit is played out)
* new shoes (15$ need a color job)
* socks (always needed)
* 2 cds (pearl jam, and arctic monkeys)
* CDRs (so i can burn pics, and make cds for my step brothers, so as not to deprive them of my beautiful music collection, while protecting my beautiful music collection
* a watch and some art supplies

I drove across town, 94, still adjusting to driving after 6 months, chasing a dog sticking his head out the window with my camera (a dangerous game amongst traffic)
and never got the perfect shot.

I need an oil change before i run out of money.

I headed for ridgedale, and hit up cd warehouse for nada, and shinders the same.
But blicks found me with canvases, paints, pads and pencils.
Im hoping to work some oil pants on tile, but i gotta get the tiles.
then for barnes and noble to spend a gift card, a book on schiele.
best buy, another gift card, checking out ipods (too expensive) car cd players (too expensive)
2 cds. P.O.S cuz becky kept saying it was great, and the new soul position, cuz they aint let me down yet.

i was late to meet illy at caribou, but didnt realize till halfway that my car clock was off an hour.
I met her at her pop's house and listened to her vent about her fam, while cleaning out her brother's car (which she is using for the summer, while he is at camp with ben cohen!)
anywho... we checked out her set up in the basement, which was pretty nice, but she complained about the cabinets and said she just wanted open faced shelves, and with an observation I said "screw driver" and we planned a new project. She is giving me the cabinet doors which im gonna paint on, and i told her if she ever asks for them back they will be all colorful and she said perfect.

her moms is selling her place, the house they lived in since young, right next to my childhood friend luke(who has moved back in to his rent's house with his fiance, while looking for a cheap house in park)
illy's mom has taken in a blind old dark lab whos fat as hell, but friendly too.
i took him for a walk, snapping away so he could follow.
illy takes after her mom, though she hates it, and never allows herself more than a day off. She comes home to her brother graduating highschool and leaving for camp, her mom with stress induced shingles, her dad trying to give her curfews when shes 21 and been living on her on for a year in a foreign nation.
shes got two jobs already and will start babysitting soon.
her brother needs help figuring out how he is gonna get to school...
after hours - we head back, i eat wendys and take off cabinets, as she takes stuff in to her dads house from her moms, and we complain about the horrors of childhoos divorce -where each car trip makes it all just a little more bitter.

we pick up young emily from caribou and meet cats at nick h's garage as is the custum when its warm. they are playing beer pong which means nothing has changed. nick and foulkes work at a liquor store/deli on france, they are winning.
the highlights of the night are each of us boys hopping in to his mom's garage sale clothes... sweaters and flower print shirts for posing for pictures.
and chelsea's announcement of the betrayal of peter's house which was sold to some meth heads... apparently an outrage, meanwhile me and foulkes who have lived there since we were 4 and 6 respectively conclude that it ought to be a party place and nothing has changed... chelsea (who lives 2 houses down, and has a history with crazy hipocritical bs) is quite defensive and doesnt understand why we wont agree that its scandalous forgetting that she is at thetime trying to sell 30 percocet (spelling?) and me and illy conclude (without chelsea's approval) that it is because the property values around the gold course will drop...
(later we find out her mom is selling her house too, and i think, what has happened to are beloved slp when all are rents have moved away?)

i come home at 12 and am extremely exhausted... but i wake up at 8:30 the glory of jetlag.


Conclusions for the day....
* not much has changed and probably never will...
* its hard to hit up the same old spots, the last time i was here i was in a relationship of two years, i wonder how my mom stayed in the same city
* if im not gonna have a job, i better have a fucking plan and some projects.
my mood has improved already just having some supplies


Schedule
lunch with my moms
gabs tonight
work for james in rochester thursday fri, sun
sat come home hang with illy and gabs
next week head to morris, a little more sure of myself and such