Oh but I do have friends, and they make me cry, for all the right reasons.
This weekend I was reminded of how blessed I am in a variety of ways.
People laughed, and shared with me and supported me.
I don't know that they understand how much it means to me.
I really wish I could explain things better.
or had the courage to say what is on my mind sometimes.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
from the facebook
Today in our group class we discussed the concept of internalized oppression, which is when a member of a group takes on the oppressive beliefs and values of their oppressor. My very smart students gave example after example of internalized oppression in their own lives and the world around them as we got deeper and deeper into the topic. My co-worker who was leading class showed a video example (from a classic study) of children who at 5 years old already know the differences between lighter and darker skin colors in this country, know how they will be treated and thus prefer lighter tones. She talked to the little kids about why they preferred the lighter tones, one little girl pointed at her own skin and said she would rather be lighter because dark skin is sometimes "nasty." Similarly another young person when asked which skin color adults dislike instantly pointed to the darkest shade. You can watch video of this here:
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/17/ac360-series-doll-study-research/
or an awesome video here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybDa0gSuAcg
The sad thing is the 1947 results are the same as the 2010 results.
A 5 year old in this society can tell you all you need to know about racism in America, but we have politicians and media personalities and all types of people who insist racism is a thing of the past.
The lesson continued with all these examples of what internalized oppression can look and feel like. There is no doubt that it can lead to self hatred, shame, insecurity, confusion, anger, frustration etc... and of course that's all in the 5 year olds in the video.
I remember having this lesson set in stone for me when a South African Pastor visited the church camp I attended one year. He said Apartheid is pronounced "apart-hate" and thats what it does, it tears you apart and makes you hate yourself. As an example he told a group of young teens what it meant to be so internally oppressed, he recounted being a boy in South Africa, being told over and over that white people were better than he was, that they could do no wrong, that he was worthy of nothing, not even their leavings and he believed this so much that when a white man went to the bathroom on the other side of some bushes he and his friends considered tasting it. Because they had been told white men's shit was like honey, because they assumed it must be... because it was the opposite of theirs.
In class today we talked about internalized classism, ableism, ageism, sexism, students gave examples like their mom saying "damn that must have been a woman driver(because it was a bad driver)" or another mother telling her daughter that she should be more realistic with her pursuit of being a doctor, "try being a nurse" -probably the "realist" attitude of a mother concerned about the welfare and the college bills and the years spent training, but the message to her daughter sounded more like "You aren't smart enough." I brought up how these isms are so institutionalized that we can't even find the proper words to explain them... "What does ableism mean?" a student asked... "who's that against?" I reminded them of the movie Murderball, a room full of people who are labeled quadriplegic, who display more athleticism in an hour banging their wheel chairs to score goals than I do in a whole year... but which of us is considered "able-bodied"?
So we discussed these things and the effect. Entire groups of people labeled inferior so they inevitably take on the mantle of this lower calling, and do the work of the oppressor for them. Not finishing high school, not seeking high paying jobs, not taking themselves seriously, overcome with such pain that they don't seek the responsibilities nor the rewards of life anymore.
-I recall reading (just last night) about how slaves in the south were labeled lazy and stupid -though it was against the law to teach them to read and of course against the very nature of slavery for them to benefit from their labor... so what did they do? They rebelled in every day life they played into the stereotype because the system didn't benefit them either way. Quiet rebellion, quiet fury (and quiet self hatred) that spilled over into challenging the system, on the daily (refusal to work, stealing, lying etc) and on the occasional open violent rebellion (the reason every plantation owner slept with a gun by his side), unfortunately the stereotype is the same, and the system though different is still oppressive. 1/7 people in this country is below the poverty line, 1/4 Blacks, 1/4 Latinos, I am sure its even higher for Native Americans...
but 1 of the 2 major political parties doesn't see the need to let the bush tax cuts go and they represent roughly 50 % of the people... so along those lines regardless of who is who, %50 percent of the people must believe that the wealthy deserve their wealth and the 1/7 deserves their poverty. More than likely some of those in poverty are dealing with the shame, confusion, self-hatred (their own internalized oppression) they believe they deserve their poverty, so though that %15 could swing any election this nation could have... they won't because they won't vote, they won't vote for their own interests, no one will take the time to bother asking them what they want and nothing will be done for them (*cuz they are lazy).
I have students who are homeless. I have a hard time getting out of the bed on gray days... imagine getting kicked out of a shelter into that cold. Imagine spending the whole day thinking about how you have to go back to that gym, or that church, or if you're lucky that dorm set up for homeless people. Imagine realizing you are now one of those stigmatized "homeless people." Imagine what it feels like to realize that through no fault of your own (but it doesn't feel that way) you are living with your cousin, or your friend because mom or dad lost their job... because mom and dad are dealing with the extraordinary depression of finding out they are worthless(to society), and now you by default are also worthless... why finish high school? Why bother trying at all? Why not OD on the cheapest pills you can find so you aren't a burden anymore?
The sad thing is when you are thinking through this information... when you are really processing it... it starts to make sense why you wouldn't challenge it.
One of the categories on the sheet we were reading was about heterosexism, the idea that one sexual preference is natural and good, while any other is not (putting it kindly). Oppression is all horrible and there is no doubt that any of these lead to the most painful emotional struggles in our own minds... but this one seems so much more insidious (*maybe just because it hits home).
One line on the internalized oppression beliefs (used in the example) simply said something like "I don't deserve to be who I am." -Others who don't deal with this, struggle to understand but this is where we have the high ranking republicans who spend years trying to destroy people suddenly realizing they are those people(Internalized oppression). How could one not in a society where we have clear as day examples where people who have every legal right in this country state who it is they love and suddenly have those rights revoked (as if there was any legal reasoning that would justify it). This is where we recognize that one of the major factors in those who commit suicide(especially at a younger age) is sexual orientation, "I don't deserve to be who I am."
When people say things like "You can be anything you want in this country" or "all this talk of oppression is the liberal media bias" or any of the other ridiculous things...
Do they not read headlines?
One of the major political parties wouldn't even discuss the idea of allowing people to serve as who they are(!) in the military today.
How am I supposed to teach about this great country where people are allowed to be themselves (NO), well then at least people all have the same rights (NO), well then people are allowed to try to make themselves and their position better (NO), well then people are allowed to at least have their say and complain about it (NO), well then at least someone will talk about the issues (NO), well then...
I'm not saying other places are better... but we had a real discussion in class today about real issues and the students (Drop out,at risk, probably on drugs, irresponsible, stupid, lazy, inner-city, no good very bad teenagers) brought their own examples, they didn't need ours, why can't we expect that from our leaders?
***********
I didn't want to fill this with links but just look at the papers for a second and all of this is confirmed.
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/17/ac360-series-doll-study-research/
or an awesome video here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybDa0gSuAcg
The sad thing is the 1947 results are the same as the 2010 results.
A 5 year old in this society can tell you all you need to know about racism in America, but we have politicians and media personalities and all types of people who insist racism is a thing of the past.
The lesson continued with all these examples of what internalized oppression can look and feel like. There is no doubt that it can lead to self hatred, shame, insecurity, confusion, anger, frustration etc... and of course that's all in the 5 year olds in the video.
I remember having this lesson set in stone for me when a South African Pastor visited the church camp I attended one year. He said Apartheid is pronounced "apart-hate" and thats what it does, it tears you apart and makes you hate yourself. As an example he told a group of young teens what it meant to be so internally oppressed, he recounted being a boy in South Africa, being told over and over that white people were better than he was, that they could do no wrong, that he was worthy of nothing, not even their leavings and he believed this so much that when a white man went to the bathroom on the other side of some bushes he and his friends considered tasting it. Because they had been told white men's shit was like honey, because they assumed it must be... because it was the opposite of theirs.
In class today we talked about internalized classism, ableism, ageism, sexism, students gave examples like their mom saying "damn that must have been a woman driver(because it was a bad driver)" or another mother telling her daughter that she should be more realistic with her pursuit of being a doctor, "try being a nurse" -probably the "realist" attitude of a mother concerned about the welfare and the college bills and the years spent training, but the message to her daughter sounded more like "You aren't smart enough." I brought up how these isms are so institutionalized that we can't even find the proper words to explain them... "What does ableism mean?" a student asked... "who's that against?" I reminded them of the movie Murderball, a room full of people who are labeled quadriplegic, who display more athleticism in an hour banging their wheel chairs to score goals than I do in a whole year... but which of us is considered "able-bodied"?
So we discussed these things and the effect. Entire groups of people labeled inferior so they inevitably take on the mantle of this lower calling, and do the work of the oppressor for them. Not finishing high school, not seeking high paying jobs, not taking themselves seriously, overcome with such pain that they don't seek the responsibilities nor the rewards of life anymore.
-I recall reading (just last night) about how slaves in the south were labeled lazy and stupid -though it was against the law to teach them to read and of course against the very nature of slavery for them to benefit from their labor... so what did they do? They rebelled in every day life they played into the stereotype because the system didn't benefit them either way. Quiet rebellion, quiet fury (and quiet self hatred) that spilled over into challenging the system, on the daily (refusal to work, stealing, lying etc) and on the occasional open violent rebellion (the reason every plantation owner slept with a gun by his side), unfortunately the stereotype is the same, and the system though different is still oppressive. 1/7 people in this country is below the poverty line, 1/4 Blacks, 1/4 Latinos, I am sure its even higher for Native Americans...
but 1 of the 2 major political parties doesn't see the need to let the bush tax cuts go and they represent roughly 50 % of the people... so along those lines regardless of who is who, %50 percent of the people must believe that the wealthy deserve their wealth and the 1/7 deserves their poverty. More than likely some of those in poverty are dealing with the shame, confusion, self-hatred (their own internalized oppression) they believe they deserve their poverty, so though that %15 could swing any election this nation could have... they won't because they won't vote, they won't vote for their own interests, no one will take the time to bother asking them what they want and nothing will be done for them (*cuz they are lazy).
I have students who are homeless. I have a hard time getting out of the bed on gray days... imagine getting kicked out of a shelter into that cold. Imagine spending the whole day thinking about how you have to go back to that gym, or that church, or if you're lucky that dorm set up for homeless people. Imagine realizing you are now one of those stigmatized "homeless people." Imagine what it feels like to realize that through no fault of your own (but it doesn't feel that way) you are living with your cousin, or your friend because mom or dad lost their job... because mom and dad are dealing with the extraordinary depression of finding out they are worthless(to society), and now you by default are also worthless... why finish high school? Why bother trying at all? Why not OD on the cheapest pills you can find so you aren't a burden anymore?
The sad thing is when you are thinking through this information... when you are really processing it... it starts to make sense why you wouldn't challenge it.
One of the categories on the sheet we were reading was about heterosexism, the idea that one sexual preference is natural and good, while any other is not (putting it kindly). Oppression is all horrible and there is no doubt that any of these lead to the most painful emotional struggles in our own minds... but this one seems so much more insidious (*maybe just because it hits home).
One line on the internalized oppression beliefs (used in the example) simply said something like "I don't deserve to be who I am." -Others who don't deal with this, struggle to understand but this is where we have the high ranking republicans who spend years trying to destroy people suddenly realizing they are those people(Internalized oppression). How could one not in a society where we have clear as day examples where people who have every legal right in this country state who it is they love and suddenly have those rights revoked (as if there was any legal reasoning that would justify it). This is where we recognize that one of the major factors in those who commit suicide(especially at a younger age) is sexual orientation, "I don't deserve to be who I am."
When people say things like "You can be anything you want in this country" or "all this talk of oppression is the liberal media bias" or any of the other ridiculous things...
Do they not read headlines?
One of the major political parties wouldn't even discuss the idea of allowing people to serve as who they are(!) in the military today.
How am I supposed to teach about this great country where people are allowed to be themselves (NO), well then at least people all have the same rights (NO), well then people are allowed to try to make themselves and their position better (NO), well then people are allowed to at least have their say and complain about it (NO), well then at least someone will talk about the issues (NO), well then...
I'm not saying other places are better... but we had a real discussion in class today about real issues and the students (Drop out,at risk, probably on drugs, irresponsible, stupid, lazy, inner-city, no good very bad teenagers) brought their own examples, they didn't need ours, why can't we expect that from our leaders?
***********
I didn't want to fill this with links but just look at the papers for a second and all of this is confirmed.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Its amazing how such little things can make your whole world seem so dismal. I was reading about the complete and utter intentional destruction of human beings and human cultures earlier tonight, and that made me teary eyed. I was hearing about people's bad days, their rough spots, I listened to songs about racism, and oppression and saw headlines of genocide and slavery, and that got me gloomy too...
but selfishly there aren't many things that make me feel so devastated (and yet its such a regular thing) as thinking about or looking up that fetish that seems to define me-inside.
I was looking up self help groups, support groups, therapy.
One page was a mother worried about her 14 year old daughter... asking for help to cure her... and the people suggested psychiatry... but the mother said she was upset not that the daughter was.
Another an 18 yr old discussing his shame since the age of 12... and he was begging people for help stating he had the will if they had a way.
My therapist said that having a paraphilia was similar to having a differing sexual orientation... the coming out process was similarly difficult... I told him when I was 12 I had the confidence or the guts to tell people I was gay, or bi or whatever (it was easy enough because it meant standing up for others too) but I could barely talk about the other thing. Who am I standing up for? me and a bunch of folks I will never meet.
I watch this guy on youtube... hes a hypnotist. Hes kind of a weirdo... I probably wouldn't like him in real life... but at the same time I have a soft spot for him. He is foot fetishist... I don't tend to have any interest in feet, but as far as paraphilias go that is a normal one. He keeps going on facebook and youtube to defend it and it bothers me because he is right that it is not something he should be ashamed of... at the same time he is making it everyone else's business... and it seems like such a private thing. My therapist said this is the gay pride parade of fetishists... that they go overboard to reclaim what has been hidden so long. It makes sense... its just -no one wants to know.
I'm supposed to write a script, a monologue of what I would say to a friend or loved one.
I can come up with 50 different things, 50 different descriptions, 50 justifications, or the 2 or 3 I have convinced myself of for a time. This is the small step before I tell someone. You know I haven't even directly told my therapist, I don't think.
A friend of mine once got really close... she asked if I was into like 5 or 6 things and I said one or two of those... but I'm not gonna say which.
and I spent some time thinking tonight about, trying to figure out, how it was that I got that girl to love me... for a while. Wondering if there is still a part of her that does, and if any one else could, and if so... how do I get myself to believe that.
That hypnotist did a video for not being shy.... there was a part where he says "I want you to know that you are a good person... you deserve to be heard... respected" my eyes were shut but they started tearing up and my lips trembled and my jaw clenched... I don't think people are supposed to respond that way when people are trying to be nice to them.
I deleted this post once already... lets see if I post it. Thats a challenge mike.
but selfishly there aren't many things that make me feel so devastated (and yet its such a regular thing) as thinking about or looking up that fetish that seems to define me-inside.
I was looking up self help groups, support groups, therapy.
One page was a mother worried about her 14 year old daughter... asking for help to cure her... and the people suggested psychiatry... but the mother said she was upset not that the daughter was.
Another an 18 yr old discussing his shame since the age of 12... and he was begging people for help stating he had the will if they had a way.
My therapist said that having a paraphilia was similar to having a differing sexual orientation... the coming out process was similarly difficult... I told him when I was 12 I had the confidence or the guts to tell people I was gay, or bi or whatever (it was easy enough because it meant standing up for others too) but I could barely talk about the other thing. Who am I standing up for? me and a bunch of folks I will never meet.
I watch this guy on youtube... hes a hypnotist. Hes kind of a weirdo... I probably wouldn't like him in real life... but at the same time I have a soft spot for him. He is foot fetishist... I don't tend to have any interest in feet, but as far as paraphilias go that is a normal one. He keeps going on facebook and youtube to defend it and it bothers me because he is right that it is not something he should be ashamed of... at the same time he is making it everyone else's business... and it seems like such a private thing. My therapist said this is the gay pride parade of fetishists... that they go overboard to reclaim what has been hidden so long. It makes sense... its just -no one wants to know.
I'm supposed to write a script, a monologue of what I would say to a friend or loved one.
I can come up with 50 different things, 50 different descriptions, 50 justifications, or the 2 or 3 I have convinced myself of for a time. This is the small step before I tell someone. You know I haven't even directly told my therapist, I don't think.
A friend of mine once got really close... she asked if I was into like 5 or 6 things and I said one or two of those... but I'm not gonna say which.
and I spent some time thinking tonight about, trying to figure out, how it was that I got that girl to love me... for a while. Wondering if there is still a part of her that does, and if any one else could, and if so... how do I get myself to believe that.
That hypnotist did a video for not being shy.... there was a part where he says "I want you to know that you are a good person... you deserve to be heard... respected" my eyes were shut but they started tearing up and my lips trembled and my jaw clenched... I don't think people are supposed to respond that way when people are trying to be nice to them.
I deleted this post once already... lets see if I post it. Thats a challenge mike.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I was thinking about seeing a movie but I think I have spent too much money already today.
I spent like 60 bucks in 6 hours.
I got my laundry done... but thats only half the cash.
Today has been an odd day. I think its weird to have the day off, I slept until the time school gets out. I did some reading at the laundromat... one of the 4 things you can do there... the others being 2) try to learn spanish from the tv and all the conversations 3) people watch and eat a candy bar 4) fantasize about all the people you see there, about the would be conversations, romantic interests and life changing experiences.
I am listening to System of a Down (SOAD), its amazing how this band fits certain moods. This one being the kind of angsty-fuck it mode.
When I was folding laundry and singing along to "Spiders" (the really high parts are fun) I realized I don't get in this mood all that often anymore... and that I sort of missed it. It happens mostly on nights like these when I have spent some time alone and part of me just wants to break through the wall of self-pity and just be energized, angry etc... but I am not really angry... more just alive. SOAD is really good for feeling alive sometimes.
A friend was remarking how her dreams seem to be at odds with each other... I brought up that Mason Jennings song "which way your heart will go" because he says "where would I be right now, if all my dreams had come true" (the song is in reference to his family, and how he wouldn't have them if his dreams had come true, a sort of bittersweet realization, and yet he feels more complete without the dreams) ... I was thinking about that when I left the laundromat and how I pretty much subconsciously live by the idea that things will happen to me and be good, rather than trying to choose my way to reach them... I am not sure it is all positive... I was thinking specifically of relationships and how I have almost always allowed them to happen to me, let the other choose me, and only asked when I knew they would say yes... etc.
It requires them to be sure, to ride the wave of choice into my life, rather than me to say "I want this"
and since that hasn't happened in almost 4 years... I haven't had anything.
except friendship... lovely friends, I was also thinking (after folding laundry) that without my friends I would be a very sad person. They call me up and get me out of the house, when they are gone I am pretty much lost in myself. Illy has been gone for a week and a half and I am struggling after work with no one to talk to. I know I could call people and I occasionally I do.. but I am not very good at pushing, asking etc.
I think its funny, I spent like a week worrying that a friend was mad at me and missing her and wanting to hang out with her, but I never picked up the phone, I never texted, I barely even said anything on facebook... but when she asked me to hang out this weekend I was totally relieved and stopped worrying and everything was great, but I couldn't have just asked could I? That would be too much right?
Weird I am...
There are very few people who I feel comfortable calling... and I want more.
Another to be excited by, to feel comfortable with, to remind me I am lovable. To rely on me. To reassure me 12 times a day that they want me to call. Then maybe I could.
Then maybe I wouldn't do my laundry alone, sing alone, coffee and icecream alone, movie alone, writing to who knows who.
Not that I don't appreciate you who are reading...
But I am relying on fate and it seems fate is letting me learn my lesson for it.
I spent like 60 bucks in 6 hours.
I got my laundry done... but thats only half the cash.
Today has been an odd day. I think its weird to have the day off, I slept until the time school gets out. I did some reading at the laundromat... one of the 4 things you can do there... the others being 2) try to learn spanish from the tv and all the conversations 3) people watch and eat a candy bar 4) fantasize about all the people you see there, about the would be conversations, romantic interests and life changing experiences.
I am listening to System of a Down (SOAD), its amazing how this band fits certain moods. This one being the kind of angsty-fuck it mode.
When I was folding laundry and singing along to "Spiders" (the really high parts are fun) I realized I don't get in this mood all that often anymore... and that I sort of missed it. It happens mostly on nights like these when I have spent some time alone and part of me just wants to break through the wall of self-pity and just be energized, angry etc... but I am not really angry... more just alive. SOAD is really good for feeling alive sometimes.
A friend was remarking how her dreams seem to be at odds with each other... I brought up that Mason Jennings song "which way your heart will go" because he says "where would I be right now, if all my dreams had come true" (the song is in reference to his family, and how he wouldn't have them if his dreams had come true, a sort of bittersweet realization, and yet he feels more complete without the dreams) ... I was thinking about that when I left the laundromat and how I pretty much subconsciously live by the idea that things will happen to me and be good, rather than trying to choose my way to reach them... I am not sure it is all positive... I was thinking specifically of relationships and how I have almost always allowed them to happen to me, let the other choose me, and only asked when I knew they would say yes... etc.
It requires them to be sure, to ride the wave of choice into my life, rather than me to say "I want this"
and since that hasn't happened in almost 4 years... I haven't had anything.
except friendship... lovely friends, I was also thinking (after folding laundry) that without my friends I would be a very sad person. They call me up and get me out of the house, when they are gone I am pretty much lost in myself. Illy has been gone for a week and a half and I am struggling after work with no one to talk to. I know I could call people and I occasionally I do.. but I am not very good at pushing, asking etc.
I think its funny, I spent like a week worrying that a friend was mad at me and missing her and wanting to hang out with her, but I never picked up the phone, I never texted, I barely even said anything on facebook... but when she asked me to hang out this weekend I was totally relieved and stopped worrying and everything was great, but I couldn't have just asked could I? That would be too much right?
Weird I am...
There are very few people who I feel comfortable calling... and I want more.
Another to be excited by, to feel comfortable with, to remind me I am lovable. To rely on me. To reassure me 12 times a day that they want me to call. Then maybe I could.
Then maybe I wouldn't do my laundry alone, sing alone, coffee and icecream alone, movie alone, writing to who knows who.
Not that I don't appreciate you who are reading...
But I am relying on fate and it seems fate is letting me learn my lesson for it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Reading through the archives of this 8 year old blog is sometimes a really enjoyable experience.
I find hidden gems, old jokes, interesting rants, lots of secretive language describing people I still love, the same angst filled understandings and lots of weird ass language that really surprises me... I forget how natural it is for me to write weird shit...
I find hidden gems, old jokes, interesting rants, lots of secretive language describing people I still love, the same angst filled understandings and lots of weird ass language that really surprises me... I forget how natural it is for me to write weird shit...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Well I was gonna sleep, but why sleep when you can think about death.
So Ben Cohen put this up on the facebook, and I having not much knowledge of the leonard cohen (famous musician/poet/writer) listened and thought "I know this song...."
and realized dark dark dark covers it.
But I have to say I like the version here better. It starts a couple minutes in (after the interview).
Obviously the time of year is why ben was posting it.
So Ben Cohen put this up on the facebook, and I having not much knowledge of the leonard cohen (famous musician/poet/writer) listened and thought "I know this song...."
and realized dark dark dark covers it.
But I have to say I like the version here better. It starts a couple minutes in (after the interview).
Obviously the time of year is why ben was posting it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Also.... facebook keeps doing this thing where it puts both of the ex girlfriends I am currently facebook friends with on the side of my screen and asks if I want to contact them. I find this extremely irritating because of course I want to talk to them but I don't always have anything to say... I don't know how to make things normal or fun or friendly with the one and the other doesn't even use facebook that often. I think its weird because I know that facebook has one of those things where it tells you more about the people who you talk with or whose page you visit, so it makes sense that they both come up (facebook stalking is what I do... what can I say) but I don't understand why its always those two... not the other 5 people I facebook stalk.
wow
This may be the least amount I have ever written in a year. The poetry blog hasnt had an update in 8 months. I spose that piece a few posts down could go there... but in general I just havent been writing. I come up with poems and songs and let them go with the wind that blew them into my ears in the first place.
I think there is a lot of good going on in my life, so I haven't felt the need to write or complain... I have been seeing friends so often that I don't need the retreat to my private (public) journal... I have been going to counseling so I have an outlet for some of the more private matters... I had a kickass roommate for a while and even though she is gone I still get to hang with her now and then. My other roommate and I are spending a lot of time watching movies and smirking at the cheesy shit on tv...
I also just feel extremely boring.
I wrote a bit on my trip, but it wasn't anything too crazy.
Work is extremely fulfilling... for now. I love my coworkers... I just really enjoy their presence. I wish it felt more natural to break some of those barriers down and hang out with them outside of work. I am really enjoying just laughing and joking with the students... there is a tremendous amount of positivity in the air and its addicting ... so much so that when the students are suddenly having a bad day it feels really stressful... (wish me luck for winter) There is also clearly a tremendous amount of learning going on at all different levels... I helped a kid learn some basic math and he was so charmed or whatever that when he saw me walk by the room today he waved me over to help again. Its funny because I think my math level is really low right now so I am just barely ahead of him... meaning when he struggles to get through one but manages I also feel like I accomplished something great because I barely understand it myself.
By the end of the day the kids wake up and get into the discussions, they are intimidated earlier in the day but by the end they are all sharing their opinions.
Today we were discussing the concept of democracy (real democracy -majority rule shit) I had the students do a reading, find a definition and examples of how it played out in ancient Greece, then real descriptions of how the popular philosophers felt about it, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, not big fans of the democracy... but why?
Eventually they could recognize the positives and negatives... and felt fairly strongly that majority rule wasn't a great concept... but then instantly they were asking questions... why do we still try it? why try to improve it? why not go with something else? What else is there? etc etc... and they are simple questions but then you follow their line of reasoning for a second and pose another question... all of a sudden I have one student who sticks after class and says "I think it would be best to have an impartial group of outsiders who could hear all the different sides and make a good decision because they aren't personally invested." and I say "yeah I like where you are going with this, but we have that its called "court" she says yeah but that doesnt work... and I say so we have a second court a third court etc to look after the first one... anyway the whole process is fun because they are working from the ground up... its just cool to see how they end up thinking through the same things people have been thinking about for thousands of years... and it takes place in an hour in front of me.... I'm such a nerd and its golden.
Its just really really fun... really teaching is like the most fun ever.
I just wish I could share more... had the opportunity and the right medium and the right way to say or show or have them act out so that they would all have those breakthroughs just constantly brain matter splattered everywhere from the constant expansion. Tasmanian devil tornadoes of learning. Sometimes it feels that way at the end of the day... like everything is just too chaotic... but other times its just simple beauty.
I had students in my homeroom develop goals for the day, week, month and trimester...
one of the students said "I want to create a LGBT club next week" (I have noticed people generally say the initials they identify with closer to the front) she put up posters before the end of the day, and I got to smile and let her know WE WILL get her any books or movies or anything she thinks would help. She asked a coworker about it when she was making posters and seemed hyped when she realized she could lead the group herself (without teachers interfering, though of course willing to help).
In the last week I have heard students say that this school or this curriculum or this environment or whatever has changed their life for the better at least once a day.
I have also seen something like 10 graduates of the school return in the first two weeks, several asked if they could sit in on classes. We have also had probably 5-10 students who got kicked out return to our school, or show up just to visit and say hi.
I dunno, it just makes me happy, makes me proud.
I have not gone to the gym in a while...
I have not talked to a friend of mine who I really want to call or text or drop a facebook note to... because I am worried she hates me.
I have not attempted to talk to anyone about dating, or mating.
But I have thought about all three of those at least 10 times a day for the past week or two.
I think there is a lot of good going on in my life, so I haven't felt the need to write or complain... I have been seeing friends so often that I don't need the retreat to my private (public) journal... I have been going to counseling so I have an outlet for some of the more private matters... I had a kickass roommate for a while and even though she is gone I still get to hang with her now and then. My other roommate and I are spending a lot of time watching movies and smirking at the cheesy shit on tv...
I also just feel extremely boring.
I wrote a bit on my trip, but it wasn't anything too crazy.
Work is extremely fulfilling... for now. I love my coworkers... I just really enjoy their presence. I wish it felt more natural to break some of those barriers down and hang out with them outside of work. I am really enjoying just laughing and joking with the students... there is a tremendous amount of positivity in the air and its addicting ... so much so that when the students are suddenly having a bad day it feels really stressful... (wish me luck for winter) There is also clearly a tremendous amount of learning going on at all different levels... I helped a kid learn some basic math and he was so charmed or whatever that when he saw me walk by the room today he waved me over to help again. Its funny because I think my math level is really low right now so I am just barely ahead of him... meaning when he struggles to get through one but manages I also feel like I accomplished something great because I barely understand it myself.
By the end of the day the kids wake up and get into the discussions, they are intimidated earlier in the day but by the end they are all sharing their opinions.
Today we were discussing the concept of democracy (real democracy -majority rule shit) I had the students do a reading, find a definition and examples of how it played out in ancient Greece, then real descriptions of how the popular philosophers felt about it, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, not big fans of the democracy... but why?
Eventually they could recognize the positives and negatives... and felt fairly strongly that majority rule wasn't a great concept... but then instantly they were asking questions... why do we still try it? why try to improve it? why not go with something else? What else is there? etc etc... and they are simple questions but then you follow their line of reasoning for a second and pose another question... all of a sudden I have one student who sticks after class and says "I think it would be best to have an impartial group of outsiders who could hear all the different sides and make a good decision because they aren't personally invested." and I say "yeah I like where you are going with this, but we have that its called "court" she says yeah but that doesnt work... and I say so we have a second court a third court etc to look after the first one... anyway the whole process is fun because they are working from the ground up... its just cool to see how they end up thinking through the same things people have been thinking about for thousands of years... and it takes place in an hour in front of me.... I'm such a nerd and its golden.
Its just really really fun... really teaching is like the most fun ever.
I just wish I could share more... had the opportunity and the right medium and the right way to say or show or have them act out so that they would all have those breakthroughs just constantly brain matter splattered everywhere from the constant expansion. Tasmanian devil tornadoes of learning. Sometimes it feels that way at the end of the day... like everything is just too chaotic... but other times its just simple beauty.
I had students in my homeroom develop goals for the day, week, month and trimester...
one of the students said "I want to create a LGBT club next week" (I have noticed people generally say the initials they identify with closer to the front) she put up posters before the end of the day, and I got to smile and let her know WE WILL get her any books or movies or anything she thinks would help. She asked a coworker about it when she was making posters and seemed hyped when she realized she could lead the group herself (without teachers interfering, though of course willing to help).
In the last week I have heard students say that this school or this curriculum or this environment or whatever has changed their life for the better at least once a day.
I have also seen something like 10 graduates of the school return in the first two weeks, several asked if they could sit in on classes. We have also had probably 5-10 students who got kicked out return to our school, or show up just to visit and say hi.
I dunno, it just makes me happy, makes me proud.
I have not gone to the gym in a while...
I have not talked to a friend of mine who I really want to call or text or drop a facebook note to... because I am worried she hates me.
I have not attempted to talk to anyone about dating, or mating.
But I have thought about all three of those at least 10 times a day for the past week or two.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
For a long time I stopped being into gracenmichelle but I think I am getting back into them.
Yep thats my story.
I think its because they are so good at being cheesy that it becomes really funny again.
Yep thats my story.
I think its because they are so good at being cheesy that it becomes really funny again.
First day of school (year 3)
Um.... the title says it all really. Today we start school. Yesterday we had 36 students register out of a possible 56 spots... meaning we will have to attract and add 20 students over the trimester (yikes). For now 10-12 students per class is a really nice amount. So today I have a light load, US History and Civics... no big deal since I have taught both... actually this trimester will be the first time I am teaching all classes I have taught before... I hope it isn't boring.
Tomorrow is my first day for group class... so I need to spend some time tonight prepping for that.
Yesterday after victoriously completing the school library reorg, I had 20 boxes full of books I was ready to take to half priced books... but upon loading my car I realized I had a flat tire (so not cool). So that will also be added to the agenda for the day.
Boring post complete.
Tomorrow is my first day for group class... so I need to spend some time tonight prepping for that.
Yesterday after victoriously completing the school library reorg, I had 20 boxes full of books I was ready to take to half priced books... but upon loading my car I realized I had a flat tire (so not cool). So that will also be added to the agenda for the day.
Boring post complete.