some recent paintings

New Cars Suck

So Im, supposed to pick my mother, step father and two step brothers up from the airport, Hubert humphrey terminal, and I intend to serve them well, So I
Wake two hours early to swim through the personal, e mails and details, like soaping between my toes, But around the time when they call me, I check to see if the car is ready, My mother's big ass avalon sits in the garage, and my brother's new honda sits in the drive way. STEVE! who had been cleaning a week's worth of filth from the floors and the tables, is woken once again after his cleaning binge, and I say "move the car so I can pick mom up from the airport" and he sleepily grumbles to the door. attempts to hit the button to unlock the car, it doesnt make the beep beep, and he in his sleep sleep, decides to use the key, not setting off an alarm, but silently locking the car in place.. so when the key is in the ignition it makes no sounds, starts no engine, but simply sits still. and all effort to removing is null, despite strength courage and will... it simply sits still. We call my brother, who's car is sitting in the driveway, but hes in a meeting... we page through the manuel, and it states quite clearly the car will serve you well from theft protection of the highest kind the theives and their crimes wont do a lick of damage to her magesty the honda..... So im frustrated....my mom calls... and shes cool about it... I look at my car and think its too damn small for 5 people suit cases and all. So she gets to call a taxi... and im wishin i could go back to sleep.

not that I couldnt have done it before... or that it was that hard... but I suddenly found Elizabeth on myspace... and it made me really excited/anxious that she wont friend me or doesnt care... but in my heart I got like the boost of the day... makes me want to go to baltimore to see how they are living. That would be fun... I should see if gabs will come down for a weekend...

I think I am struggling so much because lately I have been trying to fit other people's projections of who I am supposed to be. I wanted to fit them, because I thought it would make me more successful. For instance.... at work, Im caught inbetween the ages of the students and most of the staff... so I try to project myself as older, dress up more than some of the staff do... but its not my style and it makes me uncomfortable... Im not saying Im not gonna wear the damn clothes... but why try to be that guy? why not be me, wearing some shitty clothes?
I think it works too, because when Im that guy, I dont know what to say, Im quiet, uncomfy, Im awkward... but its only when I embrace that stuff, the awkwardness instead of holding on to the "confidence" that I really actually connect with the students... its when Im making jokes or talking about bands... or being silly that they respond... and they like me.

I havent been writing or drawing in a long time because I feel like I have to make it good... It has to be quality because if it isnt people wont respect it.
People wont look at me and say "he has talent" they will just go "ahh another kid who thinks he can write, or rap" and its true, thats what I am... but I need to stop worrying about what other people think, I gotta write for me... cuz thats when I truly appreciate it... when its for me. When I write for others I might think "thats a nice line" but the poem will suck... because whats the point?
nothin to say if you dont trust your voice...right?

and as for these body issues?
well... im sick of feeling so guilty and horrible... there are times when I am going to be bad to my body, but its my fucking body. and there are times when Im gonna be good to it, but if i force myself to do that, I wont be doing it for me....

I keep getting caught up in the future, and what others want... my dad wants me to exercise... every one worries... my gramps is dying and his body is too... and I will too... maybe before my time... but fuck it... I gotta enjoy the life dont I?
so if i wanna exercise i do it for me... not to become thin. Not to lose 10 pounds.
No more weighing... no more walls...

Its the walls that are holding me back... my stomach hurts less.. but my mind and my heart hurt more.

Im not gonna be the superstar.... im not gonna get the girl by being someone else... Im not gonna make friends, and Im not gonna be happy.... unless I am happy with me. And so we go back to the way its always been.... I choose me, I change gradually, I make amends but dont cater unless its my choice and my voice.

:::::Watch me struggle with this all summer:::::

I was in the shower like 2 minutes ago and freestyling and had verse after verse, with little correction…. I sit down in my room to type some out and cant remember anything… I hate my failed mind.

This room is a fucking creativity black hole.


I honestly cant remember a single fucking sentence. I should have smoked more pot back in the day, at least that would give me an excuse.

"Sold a hole to a disaster, nail the strong winds -tight to a door, know the crimes that stick in through, unfasten belts on your heart. And I've never been very smart... but I connect you with your shadow..."

This new sleep schedule sucks.... i spend all day just as tired as had i not gotten any sleep and then when i would normally be awake and semi focused I am still tired.....and then I go to sleep early... (like 10:00) im hoping in a few weeks im better and smarter.... Diego is like dying in front of me.

My Mom is in new york... so im alone in the house, its sort of creepy.

I've decided to start going to work later than I had been... because I keep getting there a half an hour early.

Im trying to make small changes to my diet and exercise routines... i think i want some fantastical changes from doing very little.
shit like walk/running on a tread mill.... or stretching... or less caffeine and sugar... but im not very good at it. and every little thing seems to tell my body it needs a reward.... oh well
I guess it starts with the sharks.

Notes:

* I think I might start working out or something... I just feel awful.

* Im not very happy with pictures right now.

* my computer seems to be unable to upload videos and pictures... which is annoying.

So the point of taking that poetry class, was to get back in to the habit of writing poetry... but i havent written shit since.

My aunt has been taking painting classes, and she loves them. makes me want to do something like that, but I would probably hate it after a little while.

I havent been very good at drawing or painting lately.... I havent tried, and when I do it isnt good.

I need a group to socialize with when I do things -I am no loner.

HMMMM updates


Someone told me I needed to post…
I have been out of town… Sioux Falls, the birth home of my father and childhood home of my gramps…. So fathers’ day weekend seemed like a good time to visit right?

Some thoughts on aging and families:
My gramps just moved in to a different nursing home, at breakfast he decided that all the people were too old. He is 84 and a few weeks ago he could barely even walk or get out of bed (hes doing better now) but he said they were all at least 95-100, and I thought it was interesting that to all of us, he is old amongst old people, while he still clearly sees a difference. He is waiting for an assisted living apartment to open up…. But until then he is in a small room in the nursing home area.

Several of my uncles and cousins came to visit…. 5 of my cousins are having babies this year… 3 in one family… actually 2 are already arrived and three to go… seeing these babies, and being surrounded by my family I had the hugest urges to have a baby…. Which is weird cuz its not something I think about when im alone…. Maybe when im in a relationship… but not while sitting in my room. Still it seems so natural… and I think I will make a good father some day. But not quite yet.

On Work:
I started work this week…. 2 days of training, one of which was learning “nonviolent physical crisis prevention” meaning how to hold a kid back when he is trying to kill people…. The 2 days of actual work were easy because we didn’t have many classes… this next week will be a full week.
I met some of the mothers and they were married and had anywhere from 1-3 children….they are all younger than me… it’s a little weird… their first questions were about that…. And I didn’t know how to respond.
The art room is fine, we are working on a bunch of things I have never done, but they seem simple enough. Also I get to drive a big ass van… so that’s cool. (I guess…)

Fathers Day:
We bought my dad some silver…. He likes silver… we are gonna eat some Lebanese food.

Books:
Im about 2/3s of the way through the alchemist, and love it.
Its pretty much my beliefs written in story form, so that’s cool…. I think I will read that kite runner book next.

Future:
I guess im fairly sure im on a decent path… and I got in to spooner with a super single… so that’s cool…. I hope everyone comes to visit… or I wont even get any use out of the extra bed.
I need to meet some new people… Im worried Im gonna be single forever.
I been talking to Lex a little via messages and what not... and she seems happy and positive about her future... and its really nice to hear that, -of course it makes me like her and/or want to find the same thing... but thats ok. One can be happy for people one cares for. and if these books tell me anything, its that a persons personal journey/legend/dream etc will bring them where they need to go, and allow them to meet those they need to meet. so follow your heart and listen to the universe.
peace and love

I went to bed at like 12:00, im not really sure why -i was tired i guess... but now its 5:00 AM, and i am awake... and this wouldnt be a problem except today im trying to run across town around 8:00 to the bank and the post office... why across town? cuz i dont know where the post office or the bank are in st paul... why not? because i have lived here for a few summers but not much else... and my attempts to get settled in have been hampered by the fact that about half the time i am on the other side of the city (where i know things)....
anyway its frustrating to be awake when u wanna be asleep. I really only got like 3 hours. And I might actually do something today, later... well Beckrilla might come in to town so that would be stuff to do tonight... but i dont want to take another nap, because next week I start my job and thats gonna mean waking at like 6:30 and leaving by 7:00 possibly. -A complete reversal from what I am doing now.

Anyway I think Im gonna go to Perkins in an hour or so. Cuz why not?
I thought that coming home would mean more home cooked meals, but so far I have been eating at home like 2 times a week.... this is gross... but i have no will power when it comes to food anymore.

This weekend hollie and chris? Brother ali? Skinny long feet?
I would like to hang with ashley E sometime but cant seem to work that out. I should also probably get together with like a million other people, but so far I have just been sitting around.
I like to tell becky she needs to push herself to go see people... but I dont.
Anyway, this has been more for the record books than entertaining... sorry if u have been reading.
I am lousy at keep schedules lately... figured part of it is that im not writing it all down. you enjoy.

So I had this dream before waking up.. where I reacted with rage at someone, got in a little fight, not anything truly physical, but slapping spitting sort of thing... but in the dream I felt that rage, that surge of adrenaline that comes with a temper, that feeling of dominance you get when you try to hurt to someone... and it was so weird, because when I woke I realized I havent had that in years... I havent reacted with unguarded rage in probably i dunno 10 years? not that I havent had small fights and what not, but always so held back... and even the incident that I always talk about where I went off on Nikki I thought that I was being honest not cruel, helpful not hurtful... until I realized how wrong I was.
but it was really weird how the dream reminded me what that felt like. I spend so much time guarding myself and others from my temper, my anger, my mean side... that I had forgotten what it was like.

one possible reason for having this dream, was from watching all these episodes of the west wing last night... often times the charcters fight with eachother because they are in high stress jobs, and lose it... even the president does this in one episode where a friend of his is killed in a plane that was targeted by the syrian government, and he feels like they need true retaliation, his staff is able to separate the feelings, and eventually advise him to accept that there can be no real retaliation for the death of innocents.

Its a wonderful show. been one of my favs since i saw my first episode.

I think James gets some of his inspiration and drive from it.
its weird though, politics isnt my field -i can tell, I dont have the adrenaline, Im too collected too willing to make compromises when in reality decisive action must be taken.

I find myself doing this with the whole political realm... I watched a documentary against global warming the other day, and started accepting that there are some major flaws in the theory.
Im starting to wonder if tax cuts could be a good thing in certain cases (from listening to the radio) and if government actually is too big.
-no im not getting more conservative, just willing to accept some stuff.... but it is hard for me to lose my liberal agenda completely because the inherent oppression is still there...
I rarely forget that part.


anyway.... maturing is a weird thing.