Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

I think I am struggling so much because lately I have been trying to fit other people's projections of who I am supposed to be. I wanted to fit them, because I thought it would make me more successful. For instance.... at work, Im caught inbetween the ages of the students and most of the staff... so I try to project myself as older, dress up more than some of the staff do... but its not my style and it makes me uncomfortable... Im not saying Im not gonna wear the damn clothes... but why try to be that guy? why not be me, wearing some shitty clothes?
I think it works too, because when Im that guy, I dont know what to say, Im quiet, uncomfy, Im awkward... but its only when I embrace that stuff, the awkwardness instead of holding on to the "confidence" that I really actually connect with the students... its when Im making jokes or talking about bands... or being silly that they respond... and they like me.

I havent been writing or drawing in a long time because I feel like I have to make it good... It has to be quality because if it isnt people wont respect it.
People wont look at me and say "he has talent" they will just go "ahh another kid who thinks he can write, or rap" and its true, thats what I am... but I need to stop worrying about what other people think, I gotta write for me... cuz thats when I truly appreciate it... when its for me. When I write for others I might think "thats a nice line" but the poem will suck... because whats the point?
nothin to say if you dont trust your voice...right?

and as for these body issues?
well... im sick of feeling so guilty and horrible... there are times when I am going to be bad to my body, but its my fucking body. and there are times when Im gonna be good to it, but if i force myself to do that, I wont be doing it for me....

I keep getting caught up in the future, and what others want... my dad wants me to exercise... every one worries... my gramps is dying and his body is too... and I will too... maybe before my time... but fuck it... I gotta enjoy the life dont I?
so if i wanna exercise i do it for me... not to become thin. Not to lose 10 pounds.
No more weighing... no more walls...

Its the walls that are holding me back... my stomach hurts less.. but my mind and my heart hurt more.

Im not gonna be the superstar.... im not gonna get the girl by being someone else... Im not gonna make friends, and Im not gonna be happy.... unless I am happy with me. And so we go back to the way its always been.... I choose me, I change gradually, I make amends but dont cater unless its my choice and my voice.

:::::Watch me struggle with this all summer:::::