Sunday, 5 PM. What have you done today?
Well mostly I've been sleeping. I also read a couple chapters in the Parable of the Sower by Octavia E Butler which is good. It is the combination of dark and spiritual that I am going for in certain chapters of my book. Yesterday I spent some time writing part 3.2 and I went home thinking about it. I like to write dialogue scenes and fill them in with details later. Anyway... I slept in too late and stayed up too ate watching the new Iron Fist show on Netflix. I did laundry last night and the motor on the dryer went out halfway through the first load so I had to air dry all my stuff. I am hoping it won't smell all week, but I also hope we can get the dryer fixed so I don't have to do this again. I finally shaved and cleaned the bathroom.
Shaving revealed that my jaw actually is swollen from the blow I took in the tub the other day. It doesn't necessarily hurt on its own, it doesn't hurt when I chew or talk, I have the full range of motion BUT it is bigger on one side. Gives my face a sort of off kilter look if you look too close. It still hurts in a very dull tightened way. I will probably end up getting TMJ and having jaw pain my whole life. This is how it starts, slip in the shower when you haven't slept all night.
I am pretty sick of work. We had to hire a bunch of new people, but some of our January cats are becoming shift leads now, so I don't have to worry too much. Maybe quit this summer? What will I do for money?
I am pretty sick of my classes this semester.
In field class I am learning nothing. In research methods I am learning nothing new, but because it is online there is this feeling like I have to pay attention to the details... in group class I feel like I haven't learned anything from day one... this week I facilitate a group discussion (wow). In my favorite class -which is Friday night, this week we covering substance and trauma. Our small group is doing PTSD as an in-depth thing and we read this book that probably won't bear much fruit.
I like that class, but I would like it more if it were every day or a few times a week.
I basically haven't seen anyone but Illy (last week) and my family (also last week). It isn't that I am intentionally avoiding people, just not reaching out and I must have trained all of them not to do the same... I am pretty happy with my isolated little world most of the time, but in terms of life I don't feel satisfied at all. There is nothing big. There are no new changes. Nothing I am working towards except slow progress on the book, and boring school.
I need to pay taxes, fill out FAFSA, have my car looked at, pay some bills, register for classes, find a new internship, finish the semester with whatever the typical grade is... and move on with my life.
Summer is two classes I think -no work, no internship (or at least less).
I am thinking I will do a lot of writing and editing. Also thinking I may have to move if my internship is somewhere else... I am pretty sure I want something more clinical -counseling related. I would probably learn more in a hospital setting, or as a case worker... but I don't think I want those kinds of jobs in the long run so...
Maybe if I interned at a hospital I could meet a doctor or a nurse who would pay my bills after they paid off medical school. THAT'S the PLAN right THERE. Gold digger.
This week I am having dinner with my Mom and Brothers to celebrate our birthdays. The monotony of life is not comforting to me, having to celebrate everything twice... The yearly rituals that mean nothing to me. New Years, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday birthday, Easter, Easter, birthday, Mothers day, birthday, Fathers day, birthday, random american celebrations, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas. Christmas. Repeat. What else is there? If my beliefs or passion were tied to any of these things maybe they'd be more meaningful... but I don't care. When I was a kid I thought it was sad that Witnesses and others didn't celebrate birthdays and christmas... now I think they are on to something.
I've been thinking about how that was the same with work when I worked... it was the same cycle of events and traditions and to some extent they felt more meaningful because we were doing it for the kids, but at the same time I was always happy when they were over. Celebrations shouldn't offer relief when they are over.
In my book all the believers do daily rituals, they are involved in regular celebrations, they have cities for pilgrimage etc. But their daily existence is tied to these things. They offer community support, they obligate people to feel involved and when people aren't involved there is an assumption of something being wrong. I often think "How would an introvert feel in this world?" and get a little squeamish on their behalf.
I did some of my homework and I am not sure how much more there is to do. Its like fill in the blank work at this point. I need to do some reading with books I didn't bring, but I am not worried about it at all. I also need to prep for my next series of big assignments, but when I read their description they didn't scare me. Do a family assessment based on a chapter of a book... ok easy enough.
I am more worried that as things build up to the end I will just lose more and more interest. I already asked for a few days off from work -assuming I will need the time for intern interviews and writing papers. Seems like it has been way too easy this semester. I always did better when I had more classes to keep me on edge.
thats your boring update for the week.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Oh hey,
When was the last time you posted on here kid?
Its the 12th of March, a Sunday fun day, filled with homework and the peculiar mist of waking up too late. It is snowing hard and I am listening to Joanna Newsom and wishing I were such a poet. I've been editing and rewriting the same poem on immigration for a month, it never feels right but I was thinking eventually I might post it for public consideration. The issue is that they are other people's stories so it feels a little weird to discuss openly. -At the same time, totes necessary in a time of pushing... earlier a couple of guys were having a conversation about the world and it made me really angry immediately -and I assumed they were not very bright, when probably I just don't know them.
I just got done reading about self care and laughing at the honesty the authors suggested about counselors being narcissistic and believing no one is smart enough or understanding enough to help them. I think of the way my friend and I don't reach out for each other enough, often until we are falling apart. Its a pattern in my life, I reach when there is something concrete enough to get a simple response, and hold back when there is anything complicated enough that I need to consider it first for a long long while.
You'd think with four shots of espresso and a caffeine pill I'd have some highways in my mind, but it feels very murky. I think I need a new regiment that might include a coffee maker that turns on automatically. That would be a nice way to wake up... the smell of deliciousness gliding across the room.
Last week in class there was a moment when we were talking about mental disorders and somebody said something about "losing a year of your life" and I was suddenly sad. I feel like a good portion of my life is lost by not engaging, but at the same time, I also feel overwhelmed with other people... feel too smart or too understanding (see above). On the way here I was thinking about how there is this idea that you just choose someone and make it work, but I think of all the people I've met, which one was I supposed to have made my life with? Which one did I spend too much time with, so that I didn't notice another (the opportunity cost right?). Which one is waiting patiently for me, rather than reaching to choose me? Is this another wasted year lost to excuses or is this just a recognition of reality -of which depressed people often have a better understanding.
I've been playing EU4 and it gives me a lot of sustained enjoyment, prolonged entertainment, lost to some other reality. It's not as fulfilling as writing, but to write you have to have a highway and a good cup of coffee early in the morning, and I've been staying up too late playing computer games to have either. It was also spring break at MCTC so I didn't have a paying job this week and I really liked that. It was far less stressful and I am relatively ahead of most of my homework just in time for spring break at Augsburg (this week). Which means little, because I will still be reading homework, and I will be working at MCTC and I will be at my internship all week... so a pretty busy week coming... but I have the weekend off (I guess that is my break).
I suppose if I gave a true update it would go something like -I haven't seen most of my friends in weeks and I don't know if that is my fault or if I care. I should get together with my family more often, but we are all busy. The weather sucks. I don't really want to kick it with my roommates but I am glad the price is so low. I am sick of my internship and would probably stop going if it weren't required. I am sick of being a barista too. More and more I think about how I wouldn't mind being a college professor and I am sort of hoping that I have the opportunity to pursue that because most of the "social work" jobs don't seem very appealing. I'd write up some curriculum and do a lot of processing with the students, I'd challenge them personally and intellectually and I'd offer more feedback than I am getting. I'd be able to live on a small salary even if it was like 30,000 again, I could make that work for a bit and then look into more opportunities as they come or work on my book and finish it before I am 40. I'd learn Spanish. I'd volunteer for political things and go to a meditation group. I'd take time for travel: Europe, South East Asia and the islands, South America again (Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru), West Africa, South Africa, eventually Australia... and the middle east if things ever settle down. I'd maybe have a family? Do I need to leave Minnesota to find something worth living for? Do I want to keep living this life, in this world, for how long?
Book Update
Well obviously it has been hard to write, but sometimes I do a little editing. I still really like the concepts and enjoy the process but it gets difficult to read the same passages over and over -they start to feel too simplistic, but the most feedback I've gotten is that things are too complicated, so I don't want to overwhelm. Often I think about how I want to add more description but that comes the least easy to me. Description seems difficult to do with the format I've chosen. I also think about how I will probably need to cut a lot of stuff and how -at this point I am pretty unwilling to do so. When I compare my concept to something like A Song of Ice and Fire or the Century Trilogy it doesn't seem so crazy. But comparing it to a regular book, it just seems absurd. Too many characters, too much movement... the world itself is a character in world building epics-I need to keep that perspective that it isn't about the individuals (though they anchor or move the piece), it is about the human condition, the world we have created. That is why I like part 2 and 3 the most because they have the most expressive details about the new worlds... part 1 is too much too quick. It could be 10 books on its own. It would be the thing to jettison in its entirety. Same with 4 and 5 SO FAR... but 5 should serve to really ground the whole thing in philosophy and mythology. 2 and 3 in power dynamics and systems. 1 in what the fuck? 4 in perception.
Nobody gets any of that so far... its a lot to unpack. People have this idea of a simple story. It is not that.
Its the 12th of March, a Sunday fun day, filled with homework and the peculiar mist of waking up too late. It is snowing hard and I am listening to Joanna Newsom and wishing I were such a poet. I've been editing and rewriting the same poem on immigration for a month, it never feels right but I was thinking eventually I might post it for public consideration. The issue is that they are other people's stories so it feels a little weird to discuss openly. -At the same time, totes necessary in a time of pushing... earlier a couple of guys were having a conversation about the world and it made me really angry immediately -and I assumed they were not very bright, when probably I just don't know them.
I just got done reading about self care and laughing at the honesty the authors suggested about counselors being narcissistic and believing no one is smart enough or understanding enough to help them. I think of the way my friend and I don't reach out for each other enough, often until we are falling apart. Its a pattern in my life, I reach when there is something concrete enough to get a simple response, and hold back when there is anything complicated enough that I need to consider it first for a long long while.
You'd think with four shots of espresso and a caffeine pill I'd have some highways in my mind, but it feels very murky. I think I need a new regiment that might include a coffee maker that turns on automatically. That would be a nice way to wake up... the smell of deliciousness gliding across the room.
Last week in class there was a moment when we were talking about mental disorders and somebody said something about "losing a year of your life" and I was suddenly sad. I feel like a good portion of my life is lost by not engaging, but at the same time, I also feel overwhelmed with other people... feel too smart or too understanding (see above). On the way here I was thinking about how there is this idea that you just choose someone and make it work, but I think of all the people I've met, which one was I supposed to have made my life with? Which one did I spend too much time with, so that I didn't notice another (the opportunity cost right?). Which one is waiting patiently for me, rather than reaching to choose me? Is this another wasted year lost to excuses or is this just a recognition of reality -of which depressed people often have a better understanding.
I've been playing EU4 and it gives me a lot of sustained enjoyment, prolonged entertainment, lost to some other reality. It's not as fulfilling as writing, but to write you have to have a highway and a good cup of coffee early in the morning, and I've been staying up too late playing computer games to have either. It was also spring break at MCTC so I didn't have a paying job this week and I really liked that. It was far less stressful and I am relatively ahead of most of my homework just in time for spring break at Augsburg (this week). Which means little, because I will still be reading homework, and I will be working at MCTC and I will be at my internship all week... so a pretty busy week coming... but I have the weekend off (I guess that is my break).
I suppose if I gave a true update it would go something like -I haven't seen most of my friends in weeks and I don't know if that is my fault or if I care. I should get together with my family more often, but we are all busy. The weather sucks. I don't really want to kick it with my roommates but I am glad the price is so low. I am sick of my internship and would probably stop going if it weren't required. I am sick of being a barista too. More and more I think about how I wouldn't mind being a college professor and I am sort of hoping that I have the opportunity to pursue that because most of the "social work" jobs don't seem very appealing. I'd write up some curriculum and do a lot of processing with the students, I'd challenge them personally and intellectually and I'd offer more feedback than I am getting. I'd be able to live on a small salary even if it was like 30,000 again, I could make that work for a bit and then look into more opportunities as they come or work on my book and finish it before I am 40. I'd learn Spanish. I'd volunteer for political things and go to a meditation group. I'd take time for travel: Europe, South East Asia and the islands, South America again (Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Peru), West Africa, South Africa, eventually Australia... and the middle east if things ever settle down. I'd maybe have a family? Do I need to leave Minnesota to find something worth living for? Do I want to keep living this life, in this world, for how long?
Book Update
Well obviously it has been hard to write, but sometimes I do a little editing. I still really like the concepts and enjoy the process but it gets difficult to read the same passages over and over -they start to feel too simplistic, but the most feedback I've gotten is that things are too complicated, so I don't want to overwhelm. Often I think about how I want to add more description but that comes the least easy to me. Description seems difficult to do with the format I've chosen. I also think about how I will probably need to cut a lot of stuff and how -at this point I am pretty unwilling to do so. When I compare my concept to something like A Song of Ice and Fire or the Century Trilogy it doesn't seem so crazy. But comparing it to a regular book, it just seems absurd. Too many characters, too much movement... the world itself is a character in world building epics-I need to keep that perspective that it isn't about the individuals (though they anchor or move the piece), it is about the human condition, the world we have created. That is why I like part 2 and 3 the most because they have the most expressive details about the new worlds... part 1 is too much too quick. It could be 10 books on its own. It would be the thing to jettison in its entirety. Same with 4 and 5 SO FAR... but 5 should serve to really ground the whole thing in philosophy and mythology. 2 and 3 in power dynamics and systems. 1 in what the fuck? 4 in perception.
Nobody gets any of that so far... its a lot to unpack. People have this idea of a simple story. It is not that.