It is a Sunday. I have plenty of work to do, but don't really want to do it. 4 DA updates, plus consultation notes, and termination summaries. It's tedious, and not really part of the moving forward process... part of the side quests maybe, part of the letting go.
This morning I was reading this book How Can I help? it is kind of a collection of perspectives and experiences around getting clear on what one is doing when trying to help, versus what is really helpful (according to the Authors). For instance, early in the book they mentioned that by being a "helper" you automatically require the other person to be the one who needs help... and that this power dynamic actually interrupts the help that is possible. Versus, as Ram Dass would say "I am in this one, how did you get in that one?" meaning meeting as souls experiencing the journey from a higher place.
As I read (and of course the book says this will happen), I find myself questioning my profession and interactions. The unnaturalness of it all. Which is something I routinely comment on in sessions. That this is an artificial relationship, and that if the person were able to get what they need in a natural way, it would be preferable. Where are the natural helpers?
This morning's read was more along the lines of discussing the suffering that happens, and how to sit with it, rather than problem solve or push it away with intellectualizing, or distracting. I find myself routinely in this position through work.
Lately I sit with clients or talk to them on the phone, who are experiencing an immense amount of suffering. Some experience pain. Some experience meaninglessness. Some experience loneliness and feeling unconnected. Despite their state, they are also all stuck in their stuff...
EG a client complains of being ridiculously lonely and wanting to be around others, but rejects an opportunity because it's silly, or it isn't a preferred activity. The opportunity to meet her needs, but she rejects it because it doesn't come in the package she would like. What need is that then meeting?
Another Client behaves similarly, gets frustrated with the system that doesn't make it easy, but rejects it when it comes easily, prolongs the windows between connection, "I am too caught off guard, too anxious."
Another Client longs deeply to be seen, and therefor rejects anyone's perception that she is similar to another. "That's just like your Dad." "No, see there you go comparing me (therefor, not seeing me).
Another projects herself as being above everyone "I am a genius (smarter than everyone around me). Dont force me to conform, or jump into you boxes or roles..." and also wonders why she can't connect to others, or why there are so few people in her life who have really been able to make her feel a sense of belonging.
Another sees himself as deficient, and therefor lives his life masking, and then wonders why it is so hard not to stray into distractions that allow him to get away from his circumstances.
Some folks narrow it down to helplessness, worthlessness, and unloveablity. Or shame, guilt,
And how do I respond to these inner beliefs, or the situations of stuckness... Sometimes I want to jump in and problem solve (sometimes it is helpful), sometimes I want to run or avoid, sometimes I want to ask for help, sometimes it makes me feel not enough, sometimes it makes me question if I have anything to offer at all... so many responses. Sometimes I sit with it... validate, other times I challenge or question. It's a weird thing -therapy... like is there a right answer? surely the pattern will repeat again.
I find it the best when I can just sit with and believe in someone.
But sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I want to challenge their drama. Sometimes I am caught up in it with them. Sometimes I want to provide perspective, othertimes share my own drama.
I would like to respond with curiousity and creativity and warmth and offer a new way of being, rather than simply a new way of thinking... but its hard to do. At times I will feel super grounded and present, other times on edge and impatient.
I don't have to look to work to recognize these patterns, I feel them deeply in my personal life. As work has taken up more of my time, I feel I have less to give to others. A lot of time with E and family, but not a lot left over for friends. Sometimes I miss them, but often I think of them with worry rather than love. A scarcity mindset. What will they want from me? What if I can't perform or play into their stuff? What if I am not enough, or can't give enough, or don't want to? It's all drama.
E has been sick the last few days. She lost her voice, and is coughing and sore. She sounds absolutely miserable, and my honest reaction is to pull away. A combo of I don't want to get sick, and of feeling like I can't make the discomfort stop... so I need to distance.
Shes been actively cleaning the house and doing projects and seems somewhat on edge. When I look at her, she appears mad at me. It triggers this belief that I am not enough, and not doing enough. She tells me I trigger the same in her, and we come together to acknowledge that this distance is awful and not intentional... but we spend a whole day believing our shitty interpretations before asking.
I am worried about my elderly or disabled Clients... but do I take care of those at home? I expect my parents to be able to handle their own shit. To not be needy. I wonder if they complain to their therapists about us... our distance, our putting our wants before their needs.
Of course it makes me question all the future things. Louise, my current therapist reminds me frequently I don't have control over anything, and that when I think I do, its simply a delusion. All that effort, better to put it into accepting the current situation and responding mindfully. She doesn't say it that way... but its funny how flippant she is when she says I don't actually have control... and part of me is like... but foresight!!!
Sometimes in the little quiet moments, I miss students and clients of long ago. The ones that unexpectedly touched my heart. Wonder who they are and what they are up to these days. Time marches as they say.
Last night I had this weird little longing for the Care Barista coffee shop in Fontabello in Guatemala City. Something about the combo or an americano and a pecan pie, and Courtney? and the safety of the bougie mall in a sea of chaos. I miss guatemala city. I liked who I got to be, even if I wasn't sure what that was or what I wanted it to be. I think I wrestled there... and I am not so much wrestling now.
Maybe I am ready to put my own wrestling on hold to watch the development of others? of littles? I don't know. I have things I need to do, and when am I supposed to do that in a 9 hour work day that also asks me for another hour or two at night, and 4 on the weekend. This isn't sustainable when I recognize that. Maybe I need to do concurrent documentation, or open my own practice.
I miss Courtney. She doesn't need anything from me. I should write her. I miss Victoria too. She's reached out a few times. We haven't connected in a long while. I miss people from long ago. At the same time... I can't even remember everyone's names. Who was that? Who were they really?
I like to pretend I know, but as a certain Client loves to remind me... and she being both more sneaky and more honest in a way, than most, people allow us to see what we want to see, to believe what we want to believe. Shes better at it than most, and so we all project on her.
Maybe thats all they all are... my projections... projections of the one regardless, like myself... we are all in the maya, eh?
Finding myself hungry. So I should probably walk home.
