I was sitting at Reeds and trying not to hurt, im not sure what it was exactly, maybe bittersweet beauty... but certain songs make me have certain memories... certain moods lead to certain desires... certain people, thoughts shared, situations...
I was loved once.
sometimes im brought back there, so often lately im pressed with glimpses of perhaps something of that nature again, but not immediate, some distant future thing that is different and not the same (and anyone who has ever loved persons knows exactly what i mean by that) and lately its not with someone. but everyone... and thats too impersonal when secret desires are not of lust, but rather wanting to cry over the love you share with someone. cry cuz it hurts to love deeply like that, cry because it hurts to feel accepted for the first time.
***

So often lately I am unashamed of the gifts I have been given. The one gift. and I say it when people ask, or tell me, because Im egotistical, I'm proud, I say "I know, I'm good at it, but I dont try, its the way i've always been and I love it, but you dont have to be so afraid. taken off guard... it hurts me that you react this way, because it must mean something, were you not shown attention or affection? do you not know how easily love comes? have you never been the center of a conversation? dont you know you deserve it? Dont you know you give off a beautiful quality that I cant quite capture, or understand yet? and Im not gone when you share it.. I dont have to be...

Likewise:

I feel so guilty lately. the biggest flirt. dont show a whiff of indifference. Dont be too honest. dont let them down, they dont deserve that. and if they dont show interest -take comfort, you couldnt please or ease their situations anymore than you have. you're only good once so dont let them get too interested.

And when you take two people who have struggled with their identities, their hidden taboo sexualities, struggled to find what was taken or mysteriously given, the hardships, the guilt, the interest, the hurt, the search for meaning, for connection, for understanding... and when they come to terms, and feel comfortable discussing that which they have found and figured out, and when they place no judgements on the others who are doing the same... dont storm out in disgust or anger.
For they revert to having no one but themselves to blame.

isnt this picture jawsome... it looks posed but actually it was
(well in the "hey everyone picture" sort of way)


couple new poems on the poetry page... um they are religious/violent/interesting/weird/controversial?





well at least the one. maybe both depending on the crowd.





Uh i am hungry... but im not sure what and where im sposed to get my grub on today... dont know where or what im doing...maybe doing some painting.

ok its 2:30 am.... and to be honest i may not have a clue what im typing right now.

Its sort of a hard position to be in when people have expectations, or feelings they dont share with you... but some how expect you to fulfill. I could give several cases right now... but rather than that.. I will assume you are all well aware that occasionally this happens in a relationship and we can move on.

Now what to do?
*I like to be respectful of people's feelings, even when I am unsure of what they are, because I feel like sometimes we should just assume that if they could, they would tell you... or maybe they are personally trying to deal with it and would actually prefer the space... or so on and so forth... its important to respect feelings, feelings are valid regardless of the situation... they should be respected...

but...

sometimes when people dont share, be honest or whatever... or act dramatically... in some sort of fashion to express those feelings.. or try to get attention for them. (we have all done it) the other people can have multiple reactions to that sort of thing, but one of them is going to be confusion... because they dont know the situation, they may interpret the feelings incorrectly... so this confusion can lead to a variety of counter-feelings... such as defensiveness, anger, etc...

Im currently experiencing some of that... because I dont know what I'm supposed to do.

Does one go to a friend, when they havent been called out and try to make amends for unknown greviences? or assume that a friend would come to them if they had some complaints?
Does one support honesty and communication by bridging the gaps when another hints?
or does one wait till the other works up the strength to committ themselves to the relationship, by moving past their own feelings to try to make a connection where they feel one is lacking/declining... thus the reward goes to those who put forth effort.

Now Im pretty sure I am in both positions right now with different relationships... but Im ok with the ones where I withdraw on purpose because Im not sure I actually value the type of friendship I was getting.

At the same time, I am underappreciating many of my friends, simply because I am not near them, to relate to them... and in my closest friendships it goes without saying that that is ok... because the moment im back with them we connect...

but I know there are several people who are wanting more... and to be honest right now....
although I am willing to try... a good portion of me feels like i shouldnt have to. If they cared they would make the effort... not test me on mine, not judge me when im genuinely busy, or with other friends, or tired or stressed or too depressed to put forth an effort...
and many of those things i am not right now...
but I am trying to make a community here, because I need it... and in that I will accept that people need to come and go... I will head down to the cities when I want to... I will hang with whoever i want to.... and enjoy it. because thats what they should be doing too... and if they want me around...
Im very thankful.
Im very thankful that so many people have been so kind.. supportive... understanding...
I love it.
but I wont baby them unless they ask for it...
Because truly caring about a person and respecting them requires a level of integrity, believing that they will act the right way when the situation calls for it.
and I will expect that from the people I care about because I believe in them.

Sorry for all the pictures... i figured I should update... but havent really felt like writing lately... I dunno.... maybe nothing to vent about.

The new dr.... looks kind of creepy.
ah arent they adorable?

I always remembered her as a very smiley person
Thats my gabs....

GABI!!!!!
we were at whole foods...
Athena makes funny faces...
Illy tried to hop on morgan... he was saying no, but clearly his body was saying yes.
and then we went to perkins and broke the fast at like 2 am.... nice jobs guys geez...

Mike the Rock's guitar picking fingers....
i caught her in a bad moment i think
Ingrid was trying to show Jared (not pictured) that Jenna was hers now.
Mike the Rock in Laurel's Amurican suspenders

Look at the reactions!!

Whats next after they tell you a living wage is too much to ask?
Convince you to settle because they have the power.
No one gives a fuck because it "doesn't affect" them, but when they come for you who will be left?

This is the way capitalism commits murder.

Of course no one is dying from not getting the extra 1.50 or whatever it is per day. But if they cant keep up with a living wage then what are they forced to sacrifice? How good of a job do you get from those who are too stressed to operate productively? How do you build community when those who hold it together, who manage the little things, are sick, tired, anxious, from working two/three jobs, from trying to get by on not enough food, from freezing just a little bit more in the winter and exhaustion from heat just a little more often in the summer.

History has taught us that people lost their lives for our safety, for our freedom, for our security.. but I'm not talking about just soldiers here, I'm talking about the unions that brought you the minimum wage, benefits, weekends, labor protection laws.
I'm talking about the people who gave up a lot, so that we could go to college, so that our families could become middle class, so that we could buy our bullshit ipods and computers.
The people who gave us hope about a "good job" in the future.
The same people who we let fall now, without support when our state representatives have already guaranteed them the money...

Whats next?
you are.

I keep listening to the "Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks which is a beautiful song.... and in context I think the lyrics make a lot of sense... but every once in a while I think about how in many ways it paints a picture of a relationship i would never really want. (I think the song is about those moments when you would want it. like when you are having a really bad day, or you are sick, or you are scared or whatever) but the majority of the time... if a relationship kept the world from me.... well hell that wouldnt be a very good relationship at all would it.

still because of the context and everything -gorgeous song.

"If you grab a hold of me, tell me that I'll never be set free. Im a parasite, creep and crawl I slip into the night. Two pints of booze, tell me are you a badfish too?"

8:22 cant tell what the weather is like. "one match left in my matchbox, and i hope to use it wisely."

FORT!!!!!
front entrance
inside
from sunroof

Perverted college students
Immature college students
bi-curious experimenting college students
sexually deviant criminal college students (hot cholocate laced with roofies)

Yeah I know im writing a lot today, suck it, i got nothing else to do...

So remember how I was talking about how the 9th graders all had horrible punishments? i told you that right?
a friend of mine was complaining about another students lack of empathy, in fact their pleasure at killing some sort of bug the other day... and i was wondering if it is better to deny these pleasures like cut ourselves off from our horrible viciousness drives and feel horribly guilty every time we do them... or to become aware, comfortable and maybe subdue them with understanding...

sunny day is sort of emo/alt/grunge sometimes abstract jesus-y cuz the singer was born again like twice while the band existed.


but anyway... i was talking to laurel
discussing how I have no one im taking care of anymore... for the first time really, and i spose thats part of my strange lonliness... but it also feels good right now... it doesnt mean i dont care, but im afraid i think to be too involved... i both want to feel needed and am afraid to be.

I can think of many reasons why i would be afraid to be....
but i guess i didnt realize how much of an impact that has had...
when i was talking to illy, and she confirmed that i had gotten more bold, abrasive, less caring in my speech...more honest... and it reminded me of the times she has been this way... times when she needed to withdraw to recollect..
but i dont feel like im recollecting... i feel like im just being less caring. and I recognize it when it happens... and I dont always like it, but i've gotten really good at listening to that side of my conscious... that devil is a temptation, when hes not offering new paths torwards self destruction but rather slightly altered paths towards wholeness... and i say devil, because devils are not so horrible, just honest. where as that angel always told me i could do it, didnt need to hold back, cared and would be cared for.
I think I respect the devil for this, but I would rather follow a real leader who inspires than a leader who tells me im human and will get hurt.

I think I need some sort of spiritual experience stat!
Oh quick rewards you are truly a temptation...
but the slower route....well
The last few days have reawakened parts of me i have missed... and it felt really good... but on this path, i wont be ready for anything any time soon... and though relatively happy... how does one be happy without following a good path. without trusting and caring? without giving more of themself than they can bare...

i was reading dani's copy of The Prophet last night...
joy and sorrow...
truly the same...

remind me i can do better. help me find a way to be better.

(this isnt a guilt thing, this is a happy desire)

Im sorry if you never got in to sunny day real estate.... but we can always try now right?
believe me you're missing something beautiful.


on another note... a certain local philosphy musically awesome person doesnt like john frusciante because he had a bad experience with a kid from highschool who was probably like me... but i find this sort of funny... because i can think of songs that he would play, that sound a lot like jf...

So Laurel said something recently describing her poetry as not being good for speaking, or reading out loud or performing... and in some ways I think she is right about this however, I took a poetry class last semester and the people who really stood out were the performers, but that didnt necessarily mean they had the best poetry, the best line that spoke to the crowd or beautified something. But that sort of literal poetry (for reading only) is really something remarkable in people who do it well.. and its really nice to have her blogging these now, because she has some really impressive pieces. I dont think there are many people out there who are good at that sort of poetic craft work, sure i enjoy running in to them, and havementioned a few on here.. I really enjoy adrianne's or Aaron I's work, I think people create masterpieces that somehow capture not only a moment, or a feeling in richer terms than i can even think, but they do so in beautiful language... which to me is just impossible sometimes... im constantly frustrated by the fact that i really dont have a great vocab... I use small words... im impatient. I rhyme for flow because its the best trick i know to mask the lack of actual beauty.
This gift these people have may not always be something I praise out loud... but I am forever impressed by it. And I really wish there were more ways for these people to show off.

Im trying to record some spoken word/poetry tracks of my own for a project....
its fun, i enjoy manipulating my own words and sentences and using accents or different intonations... Im often surprised by the stumbled over imagery, but I know its not obvious to every one considering i dont always even notice when i write it.

Introducing Jessica's blog Yumi Lover Life and Laurel's Amazing Poetry page Through the Bedroom Window
also
Emily's livejournal and sweet art page Punxsutawney Days

every little thing makes me wanna cry with jealous smiles, im probably just tired but what a world.

((((edited shortly after... actually it hasnt all been good... i spose im fairly worried too... but i dont know what to say about that)))))

311 is almost always a good way to wake up.

"now you're wakin up
face to shaken it up
we know of an extended field
this is the deal
letting and getting the vibes we want,
open up your heart and proceed to feel
now youre inchin up
to the summit
never plummit
boot your system up
and then bare with the middle
finger up, why you so abrupt
baby dont be corrupt" ~SA Martinez on "Sever" any long time blog reader will have seen that at least 3 times.

oh illy says im more hard ass than normal, and she said she liked it... but i dont. so if i say something hurtful, or too boldly, put me in my place... even if what i said was the truth.

man so far my reading for ed classes is really slow, but easy and usually self explanatory or something you learn in psych.... so whatever...

emotional lately... as in sudden tears at things... and it feels real, real beautiful.

today I heard some shit on this american life, the program was about the voices in our heads that keep us from being who we want to... and the first story was about a soldier who returned from iraq with PTSD and was afraid and hateful of muslims and arab people... but somehow worked through it to join the muslim student association at the college he attended and became an active member to help people understand that muslim people werent evil.
the second story was just a collection of interviewed people shedding light on what its like to be addicted, or compulsive about something to the extent that it took over their life... and that was really hard... also considering i was reading Illy's abnormal psych book today and it reminded me of some people who deal with some shit everyday... and how hard it is.

i dunno

this friend of Lacey's really impressed me, not because he doesnt have some bad side, but because in a lot of ways he proved that people are people, and good, and even if you dont always trust them or support them, they are worthy of your respect... simple gestures like saying goodbye... politeness is key.

Im pretty sure I have been signing everything lately with the wrong month... saying it was october when it is september.... this is bad. I wonder if anyone has noticed and been really confused... I should probably stop doing that.

also, the day started out sort of depressing, but at one point I was surrounded by beautiful women and interesting men. and I ended up enjoying the night a lot... even if we didn't go to the concert.

Lacey gave me and her friend a concert at park tavern.... it was pretty great.
There are some people who dont know how great they are, and thats why they stay great.

nice car ride back.... dont remember the girls name, sounds like she has a fascinating life. they were friendly.
so tired.
super sexy single types walking lake street, like pros, like pros.

sometimes i just write cuz its been too long since the last post... you know how it goes.


this one goes out to carl sandburg
because laurel doesnt want me to blame her.

um jerk face.

anyway... lets see... the WRC (read morris feminists) or the other way around... had their first meeting tonight... and well... we may be in over our heads but were headed... and thats what counts right? right?
the idea this year is to have new people in the group grab hold of whatever they collectively decide to do with the name and the group and run with it.
so far that means planning take back the night in the shadows...but soon it willbe given light... we hope.


*******
in other news... i took the day off... in a sense...as in i had the morning to myself and went to the rally on the mall for AFSCME which mike the rock was covering for the new KUMM radio news show... and uh...
that was cool.
uh also i had class this afternoon... and uh... my teacher likes to teach by example... which sort of means that she is treating us like the jr high and high school students she used to teach... but she has some energy to her... and i think she is entertaining...

*******
this whole next section is probably a lie I tell myself.

I sort of summed it up for mike the rock today, the reason i am actually worried about my dating life and what not... its not cuz Im interested in people and have high standards... its cuz im not interested... and havent been interested in anyone since lex... and thats really weird for me..... its not that im not enjoying myself... i have really enjoyed hanging out with people lately... and this summer when Illy came home my world lit up... and even the first few weeks here i have been constantly missing her... but i havent really had those crushes... or anything... and thats weird because... well other than that brief period after becky before lex... and maybe like before 2nd grade... well not even then... i guess only that one time... and even then i had crushes....
so this is weird.
I dont have any interest in anyone as more than a friend..... i thought it was just the post relationship thing at first... but its sort of lasting.
and thats whats rough about it... cuz i am looking. but everyone i meet seems like they would make a great friend to me and nothing more.
i remember having crushes in preschool... in italy (high school) and India (college), I had like 6 crushes each in those short periods and none of them were like big deals... i didnt want any of those people as more than a friend then either... but i was sort of captivated by them... right now im not captivated... except by ex girlfriends... and then not even as bad as normal...


thats sort of a weird phase to run in to.
maybe i need to run away again.
maybe im just not being honest with myself yet and i am too guarded to admit things...
but i admit to people i find them attractive... or that i want to hang out with them a lot... i just dont want anything more than that...
i need new people... and the ones here are too young or maybe too sane... or maybe not right... or maybe involved... or maybe out of my league... or maybe too weird.... or maybe not weird enough...

just not as fixated on people as usual... thats hard for me.

a follow up on something from that last post... i wont explain the situation just this:
You don't have to give up your morals, interests, personality, culture etc to enjoy experience or respect other cultures. All you have to do is give up your preconceived notions that your ways are better.
You don't have to have sex with a prostitute in Amsterdam, nor smoke or do drugs or drink just because its legal, or its the cool thing to do.
You don't have convert to Catholicism to enjoy a church or church service, or wear the veil and pray 5 times a day to enjoy a mosque.
You don't have to slaughter a goat or sheep to respect a Sheppard.

It doesn't hurt to do these things, unless it hurts who you are, if it means compromising your beliefs and values then don't do it.. respectfully decline.
"experiencing another culture" in its entirety is a myth, you can do your best, but you will still have natural biases because you are from another culture.. and that's OK, enjoy the differences, enjoy the fact that other people believe differently, eat, speak, dance, pray, express, relate, act, live differently, and in seeing that... remember that they are still eating speaking dancing praying expressing relating acting and living as you are.

wow flood emotions.

Something about telling a vegetarian to eat meat for the cultural experience.
Something about the beautiful pictures happened upon today, makes me feel amazed, blessed to have eyes, ashamed to have expression.
Something about the music, inspired conflict, extremes of personal and societal idealism, both cases turned to sad weak human imperfection. still the care.
Something about being tired, something about worry, something about procrastination, longing, desire muffled.
Something about nostalgic loving, wanting to love people who are otherwise engaged, just to see them smile sometimes.

For the record, this time of being single -mixed with the last year or two, has actually made me more egotistical and more willing to admit things I normally wouldn't. At the same time, less judgemental and more sympathetic to people I normally wouldn't be.

This is opposite of the normal routine, either thats growth or i have been traveling sideways for quite a while.


The best teachers care, they dont just read from the text, they add to the normal history and give the history of all things. they care, they dont hurt or punish, they sympathise, but are wise enough to set high expectations. they give breaks where breaks are needed and support at all times, but especially the important times. They admit mistakes, they dont set themselves higher than the students... they see that all people have something to offer, and hope to make the environment and society in the classroom a place where all people feel comfortable enough to offer what they have and learn from everyone else.
I think 2 rules for my future classroom:
Respect all people, (yourself, peers and teacher)
Respect the environment in which you live and learn (its yours, use it dont abuse it)




i'll see you later my lovely man if i can.

What a day.
Hard to describe in simple terms.
I think the trick is, having a wonderful conversation with someone, or someones.
Painting, singing and watching beautiful people be beautiful.
Falling in love with old friends, from thoughts, pictures and shared experiences.
Dreaming of love.
Listening to JF,
and ignoring the heat.

************************************************************************
Write more thankyou notes... and make it snappy mike.
tomorrow...
homework and thankyous.

Mouthful of bees
my music snobbery has gotten the best of me... i cant stand it, not the music snobbery the attitudes of the people who claim they hear something that isnt there... well on 2-3 songs it was aight... I went to the myspace of the band and it sounded much better, but still wasnt pop sensible.. the lyrics arent clear. the drumming is the best part and the guitars are too simple to be intiricate complex interest music, and too mundane and non-popish to be something like grunge.... so what are we left with? a fairly simple sound (minus the drums) that isnt that catchy... and isnt complicated, and isnt all that interesting, and doesnt evoke emotions, or mental interest, it doesnt sound like any category of music, it sounds like a band trying to be radiohead's later stuff, minus the sensibility and thoughtfulness.

and apparently this is the next big band from mn! oh joy!!!
and I say "maybe I dont get the new music" and people tell me its not a new sound, it sounds like 5 other bands i havent heard... and I think... well maybe these guys are just the boiled down version of something that once was worth listening to...
although their produced shit on myspace isnt half as bad as the actual concert. but once again i say its the drummer that makes the band.. and if she wasnt so in to it, and people werent so bored and tool like, they might recognize that the band sounds like possibly talented people playing garbage disposal music. (as a last give in, they did play about three songs that sounded worth listening to, but three 4 minutes songs that i would possibly care to hear again in an hour is not my thing.) im not even sure if there were choruses, so not much hook.

The second band, the hopefuls sounded hopeful at first, (even though they started their first song with about 4 bars of something that sounded like everclear, and i always disliked everclear) a sort of college shitty version of weezer? a touch of the weakerthans? some harmony an understanding of pop... but then as they kept going it was obvious that their lyrics sucked. their sound wasnt actually great, none of them played interesting or beautiful solos.. the keytar (sp?) didnt add very much... the drummer sucked. the only thing that was aight, was that both the singers actually had decent vocals... just not decent lyrics.
too simple, too 14 yr old girl pop princess.


both bands might be able to pull it off given the right circumstances... like say 14 yr old girl audiences... or apparently morris freshmen and half of my friends while slightly intoxicated on sun and wine.

I think SLP ruined me... I can admit the angst in half of the bands... yeah but that was ok THEN. I can admit that there were some ripped off influences... but people attempted to come up with their own style, a different style for each song.. a different hook, a different chorus, a meaningful song lyric, or a performance that they put some effort in to... maybe it was the jazz program, or the fact that good musicians actually worked with good musicians and left the rest of us out. it was elitest, but we had our places, and bands that sucked didnt get much time on the stage, but even when they sucked it was because they were attempting something better like a new solo... or a new harmony, or an intense moment of emotion... sometimes they slipped and tripped but people could tell they were trying... or i could...

bands these days dont even look at the audience. they dont sing to the audience. they dont play with their hearts. they dont realize they suck, so they have big egos, and when people dance... its usually cuz they want to have a good time... not because the music moves them... even the people who liked these bands today, werent moving all that much... it wasnt pushing them to move, it wasnt reaching out for their hearts or heads... just sort of echoing off the walls... and loud shit... well some people stayed around just because it was something to do.


needless to say im a douche bag elitest asshole -but despite the annoyance I had with the crowd for not demanding more... they were beautiful.