Myspace should make it easier to share playlists

http://www.myspace.com/tchkung/music/playlists/my-playlist-35343


...and then he goes and buys three cds. 

No idea what to do for class tomorrow... not that I have really sat down to plan.

Its midnight and I am thinking about cracking open some coca cola, listening to Welcome to Jamrock (the cd, though the following video is the song the cd is named after)

Checking out people's blogs and facebook stalking. I find it funny that both Meagan K(kah)  and French Girl are now models. Fitting, they both look like adults now though, less cute and smiley.

Missing people, wishin for a fix, it'd be nice to play some settlers with Pete, it'd be nice to travel to Asia and do some adventurin, check in with all the cats I know over there and have them show me their world before they finish their teaching. 

One beautiful thing about learning is that it makes the biases (you have held without realizing it) visible and then allows them to pass away.  I was thinking about how much more I appreciate Latino Culture and thus latinos just because of learning more about the history, this happened when I was going through pictures of people I grew up with but never associated with (not intentionally necessarily, just didn't happen). It makes me want to read more about everywhere. 

What to do when you are bored and procrastinating... 

crying cat in the next room...
What did you steal from memebase today?

View of downtown

Did I already post this?

I will miss these cats

More sprinkles please

Oh the things we concern ourselves with...
I was trying to find a good picture for okcupid. The first year I was on there I had like 10 pictures that I thought did a good job of sharing my personality including extremes... you know so there weren't any surprises. In that year I had like 3 people message me...
So in a moment of "well lets try something new" I decided that I would go minimalist. I chose one picture that I figured looks more or less like me, and took a bunch of shit off my profile.
I have had about 3 people message me since.

I don't know why this is important to me in any way... I go on there every day for 5 minutes make 15 snap judgments and conclude there is no one I am looking for on there, or at least that okcupid would not be the way to meet them if they were. I often try to imagine myself on a first date and laugh at how insecure and anxious I would be. I am 99% sure I wouldn't ever agree to one.

When I told my Therapist that for the most part I felt like I had worked through the issue I had gone to counseling for, but still didn't feel good- he said "Well then you have self esteem issues" I asked what to do about that, he said that's why a lot of people go to counseling and the next few weeks we spent talking about online dating and trying to be outgoing. Then I stopped going to counseling.

When I cut my hair a year ago Becky got mad at me...  I remember feeling really trapped by that reaction, as if I could never change, as if she didn't trust that I wouldn't ever be normal, as if I was stuck to her image of me... but it was also really relieving since everyone else's reaction was that "I looked good with short hair."  Even the guy at the chinese restaurant I frequent told me I looked better with short hair. But I don't want short hair... I mean I got used to it, but I want weird locks and braids and bow ties and color, and want it to stand out sometimes, and other times I want to pull it back and forget about it but feel the weight of it.

The nice part of Becky's comment was that she was saying she liked me for me and didn't want me to conform to society. 

I think that has been the case with every person I have liked and every person who has liked me. I don't think I tricked them into it, I didn't post specific pictures or words to entice... they got to know me and didn't reject me right away.  That's part of why it  feels so good... Without daily life activities to relate to (School/college) I don't know how to do that in this society.

So Funny

Why Batman Is Secretly Terrible for Gotham -- powered by Cracked.com

Sometimes I like the lines of my own poetry

I’m waiting for your car to arrive,

2 hours and counting, but right now I’ll bet its sitting in your driveway

Warming in the sun, I wonder if it gets bored with the scenery,

If it notices the changing petals,

if it pants in an exhausted way

All the exhaust away

-From "Concerted Concerns"

There is a river or harbor

perhaps you ferried across one day as a child with your

father, perhaps your strolled along

the banks as a teen with your friends, each daring another

to do dumb exciting things, dangerous exciting things. Perhaps

as a young adult, your lover took you there, kissed you

there, took you there.

-from "Your City"

Recount the gut organ’s shifting, caused by strained faces just before the words too hard to bear,

or the new places in their chests that suddenly existed when previous spaces couldn’t contain the explosions of joy that threatened to tear,

as beat skipped and lungs forgot their automatic and unending roles.

For aren’t these moments, the real moments rather than the virtuous behaviors often extolled.

-From "For Luke Chrisco"

Had a slow moving but pretty good night.

and I am very tired, but I have daydreaming of fighting against the night still...
but if I go to sleep I could have good dreams...

I think I know three people that currently read this... the rest of you are stalkers

When you are a teenager and both of your parents are out of town you go "YES!!!!"

Today I had that "if anything happens both of my parents are out of town/holy shit what if something happens to my parents" moment. 

My Dad is roadtripping to florida through the south.  My mom is motorcycling to glacier and up into canada. 

Yeah yeah yeah

I can't get back to sleep... which is nice because tomorrow is the first day of summer school classes and of course I am nervous and excited.

Planning in my head the millions of different avenues that a single topic could take, which is the best? Which is exciting? Which will help them learn? and also the whole... do I have enough information? Do I have the right sources, am I insane for teaching this? 

I also have this lost friendship running through my head. Like many of the lost friendships they haunt me, but in this person's case she is so visible to the world that its hard to get away from the loss. Sometimes this makes me feel really hurt, sometimes angry and tonight  just happy...

I listened to an interview earlier and it was so nice to hear her voice, talking, with confidence about the topics she wanted to share about, redirecting the things she didn't... it reminded me of so many conversations that I don't think she knows I cherished.  I often question the things I did wrong... and often blame her too.

But the truth is that I am so proud that its hard to give up. I'm proud to see someone I love doing what they do so wonderfully, and the world responding with such excitement... because its what she deserves, and even if I don't get to be by her side witnessing it, I still really love knowing that my heart's thoughts are so universally accepted.  

Sometimes we talk about seeing the best in people and wondering if that is truly who they are or if we are just wishfully thinking... I love to know that things that touched me so deeply about this person, inspired me so strongly etc  are also acknowledged and inspire others.  It makes me all warm and emotional.  

I don't know if we can have our friendship back. It was always hard with others around anyway... and for all I know she is happier without me, with a better group of friends that follows through in ways I could only imply I would... people who inspire her, and push her to be better. I hope that is the case.

For now I guess I will just sit embarrassed and occasionally melancholy at the loss of opportunity to love more... but still with love.


Its funny how visibility makes things harder yet I yearn for it. Such a voyeur, I wish everyone would put themselves out there for me to -hold onto.  Life doesn't always provide the time, energy, means or situation to care in a way that shows (right) but my heart knows.
Its funny how often I have avoided using the word love in public lately... like I got too overwhelmed again and couldn't say it... I always walk away thinking about how much I do care about that person...  and how I hope they know. This has probably been the great downfall of all of my relationships, my insecure vulnerable humanity replacing my ability to actually act on it. 

I always get mad at the characters in movies for doing the things I do... *why are you walking away?  That's not really what you mean! JUST SAY IT DAMNIT!!!!!        but in the moment I fail the test.

My mom called me right when I was at that threshold of not being able to get back to sleep if disturbed.
I had just had a dream with her in it, in which she was sitting around a table covered in insurance policy and on the phone with the company complaining because she had a cancer surgery scheduled for the next day and they were claiming it was a preexisting condition.  

I also had this song in my head for some reason.  I haven't heard it in years.   Interestingly enough, like my Mother,  Kylie Minogue also had breast cancer a few years back

This Article is quite interesting

I wouldn't call myself a conspiracy theorist, but this looks more like the way that politics is really played out. This guy who shares my name was one of the leading conservative behind the scenes for decades and lead to groups that fundamentally changed the way the country works.  Helped financially back the group that started the Iraq war, got neocons in power, created school choice, faith based initiatives. Do I think these things were intentionally meant to change the way the world works... yes.  Is it a conspiracy to think that republicans are intentionally going after the democratic base, no, disenfranchised black voters in the 2 bush elections, pushing voter ID, pushing anti immigrant bills, attacking unions and teachers, and healthcare.. no that is all very intentional. 

Now one could say, well did the dems ever really help these groups out? Urban Blacks, did dems ever really do anything for them to make them so loyal?  Well no not a whole lot, so wouldn't black people want school choice if it offered them a way out... I think the problem is its at the individual level. It creates competition for goods and resources that aren't really there. Blacks with a college education are still disproportionately hurt during this economic downturn, so is giving them private school vouchers going to change the economic climate for them? no.   Creating a little niche room that leads to nothing is not a solution when you are slashing and burning everything else that offers support... that's the trick they are playing... "hey stand right here where you will be safe, safe from the fire I am setting all around you". 

Fuck dems too though. Fucking awful, spineless cowards, same side of the coin almost, at this point dems are the republicans of the 90s and the republicans of any time before Reagan look better than these fucks.  

And today

Well I didn't accomplish many of my goals today. I watched two school related movies and finished some paper work, but didn't do anything for the book club class, or figure out my curriculum design. 

I spent some time listening to Haley Bonar, who sounds really beautiful when you are in and out of sleep.

I had a dream that it was a school day and even though I knew the school was understaffed I had to call in sick... but I didn't call till like 2:00 PM which would be so unlike me.  By then the day would be over basically and the staff would be super exhausted and probably pretty angry with me. 

I checked out some craigslist ads for housing... it seems like it is too early to be looking -most people are asking for July or beginning of August and I think I am looking for more like late August or beginning of Sept at this point... but I don't really know because Morgan and the landlord haven't quite confirmed anything.

On Shame, Rejection, Music and God

I keep having all these nights where I struggle with that whole unlovable issue. I think its good that I can get to my core issues so fast... to deal with them right away rather than annoying people with inappropriate behavior or something... but it also sucks when you just get to the issue and there is still no solution.  

Russ told me he had been on dates with three different women since his break up a few months ago... I laughed, having been on zero dates in 5 years. But I am not the type to go on dates really... or rather I go on dates constantly with friends.  I can think of about 5 people who have been interested in dating me and it makes me wonder what makes me so picky about the whole thing.  What was different about the people I have dated?  Why did I choose them, was I so confident? No, but there was something different. Not about them, but about my reactions to them.

So I have been thinking about rejection a lot lately.  About how it feels, about why people make the choices they make, about why its necessary and why that doesn't make it easier. About my fear of it and about my fear of causing anyone else that pain.  Its weird to be on something so high up the hierarchy of needs,  I just read a book about the holocaust and there was very little about the fear of rejection, or even of love.  The will to survive and what for?  If I should spend the rest of my life doing what I am doing now would it be worth it?  I tend to think of most things as a means to a better future, forget to take pleasure in the moment, and if the moment is all we have and I blow it off then maybe the future and survival isn't worth it.  Maybe if I don't have children (as I am expecting is now the case) there would be little legacy to leave... the characters in the book are so survival bent that they neglect to respect the dead... That song I posted is that... a request of god to spare them from damnation, and in it you can hear the love, the absolute love, but also the sort of fear we all carry that we too will be neglected, forgotten and abandoned -a hope that love can overcome, a hope that God will overcome the petty points, see past the shame we ourselves can't see past and believe in us... 

I spent a few moments every night wondering if that is the case... its like my eternal question, despite my differing beliefs, I spend a moment wondering if anyone, if God could see past my shame... Its sad to live so fear based.  I have seen it hurt many a person, daily I see the fears of others hurting us all.  I see it turn to violence of the physical and of the societal. 

In the movie The Tree of Life, the bulk of the movie deals with the childhood experiences of a set of brothers and their interactions with their parents. Its through the eyes of the eldest brother, who as a young adolescent does some things he feels shame for and can't tell anyone. You watch (fairly heartbroken) as these almost harmless things become a weight so strong that they tear him apart, and cause him to hate himself and his parents for a time.  Eventually he reconciles with them (or so the movie leads you to believe) but it was hard to watch something so mathematically destructive.   The introduction of shame, the silencing aspect of it, the inner turmoil turning to self hatred and anger lashing out, only seeing evil in others because you can't see your own good anymore.  To see something like that play out before you and know that it is your life, but not be able to escape is rather heartbreaking. So I listen to the beautiful music on repeat and hear my soul cry out for forgiveness of a God I am not sure exists but I don't have a choice because I desire to see more than evil. 

and I do...     so there must be a god somewhere.

For the Tea Drinkers

I recommend this movie.

It's on Netflix

Last night was a good night. I got to hang with lace and people watch at a cool tattoo event. 

Later did some soul searching with Russ followed by a movie that attempted to do the same.

We saw The Tree of Life, both of us felt it wasn't  a good date movie, a little pretentious, but not entirely awful... beautiful imagery and beautiful music. Good acting during the scenes with acting...

Anyway I was most struck by the music and visuals during a scene of the creation of the universe. 

this piece was used as one of the climatic elements... (the music not the pictures)

Lacrimosa dies illa,
Qua resurget ex favilla
Judicandus homo reus.

Huic ergo parce, Deus :
Pie Jesu Domine,
Dona eis requiem.

Ah! that day of tears and mourning!
From the dust of earth returning,
Man for judgement must prepare him:

Spare, O God, in mercy spare him!
Lord, all pitying, Jesu blest,
Grant them Thine eternal rest.

I am sad that it isn't on the soundtrack which I hurried home and bought online.   The soundtrack is mostly the original music for the film and there is some good stuff but it doesn't have any of the epic choral pieces that are used during the best parts of the film...

honestly close your eyes and just listen to that... I think I saw a guy crying during this scene... and had I been in a less critical place, a more emotive space... I could imagine this piece moving me like that.


A more complete list of music used in the film can be found here though they have original arrangements not the ones used in the film specifically. 

Also, yall know you can comment right?

I hope I don't bother, offend or hurt any ones relationship by things I put on here.

too much stuff

I am surrounded by junk.

I have been trying to do some sorting and tossing.

I feel bad to throw away stuff that could be used but with my current state of mind it just needs to go. I don't feel like I have the time to sell it or take it anywhere. 

Too much too much

I have cds and dvds and books to get rid of and waiting till a lawn sale or till I can take them to cheapo or half priced books or whatever seems like too long a wait.  Also it is raining. How did I get all this junk?

Why do I keep it?

Also I have had all these really shitty paintings that I did when I wasn't very inspired and that didn't amount to anything... and they are all in the garbage now.

 minus pictures and some select things, maybe my computer... I could really go for a clean sweep. 

One More of Me

Now that the day has come

I see myself as everyone

I am whats all around me
No, nothing it just cannot be
Feeling has come from the sun

Like most everything and everyone

What seems lost is free from the force that slowly destroys us

And kills all matter off


Well, we don't control the chance that plays with us

And we get existence back by hurting others

And when we go the other way its ourselves we hurt

But who pushes on though eventually will see

Every moments first

Every moment is first

Whats gone will never come back

But it exists when you think of it
And what is anything, anyway

But a series of things running through your brain


All of the fucked things you do

Are the product of whats happened to you

Whatever you create from love


Is a gift from the place which some call above

Theres only the forces of hate and love

One breaks things down and one builds them up.

I think its funny how quick my mind becomes meaningless, my actions seem purposeless, my waking a mistake, my existence a chore, my desires a weight, my needs a chain. I wander from this place to that and each in search of something not quite reality, then sit in a hostile state until I return to my prisoner's cell, addicted to the glow screen, candy, food, porn, wake to do it again.

Briefly I was out of this when Illy called and we had a real conversation.

When Victoria called and I was back to the heat.

I know it will be over soon enough, but I hope tomorrow isn't like today, where each grasp at something real seems too outside my range. Reminds me of the year I call my depression in high school, when I chose to embrace it. Illy mentioned the demons and I think one took hold of me recently enough.

When I was little

I think I have posted these before, but I was looking through old photos... 

Back when I was little, I could rarely open my eyes for pictures. Maybe it was because digital cameras were new and mysterious. Or maybe it was because I was malnourished (looking at these pictures I sort of wish I was this skinny still). Anyway...  here are some pictures from 2002 and 2003 (when I was 18 and 19). 

pretrip at airport

This might have been for passport photos (it was the only one out of like 15 that I had my eyes open).

This was entirely to see how long my hair was... look how wavey.

With my Mom

With grant

With Steve

In Barcelona, Spain

I'd assume this was Madrid... but I don't really know.

James in the background reading...maybe in Toledo

in Segovia I think

On the train to Barcelona

In Efes, Turkey

In Istanbul

In Efes

Post graduation with Pete

4 protests same day

Minneapolis

I spent my day avoiding real relationships because I was looking for them in my dreams.

Hard to know where to start or look, or have your expectations met.

Its weird to have time off because all of a sudden I have space where nobody else does, it doesn't feel lonely though because I am self centered, it feels like people are avoiding me.

Then of course when people reach out, I'm too self conscious to give back. Unlike in my dreams -where I can be exceptional and flirtatious, daring and accepting of situations as they are without tearing myself or the other down too much. A conversation leads to a kiss leads to a shared revelation, leads to something good.   But when I wake up I wonder if there was ever an opportunity there and brush off the idea, though the conversation, and opportunity for kisses was certainly available.

I've concluded that I have years of bad luck to work off for disrupting fate too much.



This is wonderful

Expect some sap

I have a week off, if I write anything it will probably be pity laced and pathetic. 

Tonight I see X MEN

I am looking forward to it despite mixed reviews.

Nova will be in town this weekend, but mostly I am open...

There is this reading that we have from a book called Mastery of Love,

that describes love as having no expectations or obligations, where as fear (the opposite of love) is full of them. 

I am disappointed by my expectations.

Conspiring to Commit Education

I want to write another manifesto, but its 90 degrees and I am shot. 

Jokingly we laugh about the idea of slow poison through the chair our overlords throne upon, or mock the idea that a person can leave their job for weeks and not be missed, when an afternoon with out one of us sends shock waves through the system.

My coworker spoke of how our situation is the perfect microcosm of the larger societal bullshit.

While the lord reaps the benefits he asks the serfs to produce more with less by punishment of eviction or lay off. 

Hard to comprehend how things could get so bad... or how people's minds and hearts harden so easily.

Manhole of Memories

The title comes from an Ani Difranco song I used to love and by that mean always will.
I remember listening to that cd on repeat for a summer along with Curtains by Frusciante  and I know I have talked about both of those cds and the memories of that summer... so I will not bother further.

Today I saw a boy get hit by a car. I say boy not because he was that young, maybe my age maybe a few years younger, but because he was far too young to have his life taken, he hadn't yet lived (and I hope will have the chance still) my coworkers said the crowd thought he was in his 30s, but crowds are not good at judging ages... the way I used to not be able to tell who was a early 20 something and who was a teen, and now the difference is usually visible. My coworkers had to stop people from further mangling him, with misguided attempts at revival... while he shook there, where I could see his legs twitch making the 911 call that much harder to figure out. It was my 3rd call to 911 so far this year and they don't get much easier. 

I think this boy will be ok but its harder to focus on the roads now and that is the opposite of what should be happening.

I didn't see him hit the truck, I heard him hit it and between the hit on the truck and the hit to the ground I saw him flying  something like 6 feet in front of the truck, later a dent in the red painted hood, a driver and passenger who I am sure will never really understand what happened pulled in front of our building (just slightly away from the intersection)to be questioned by the police.

I don't know who was at fault and I don't want to blame, I distracted my dad a few days ago as he carelessly reversed into a biker's baby carriage -which thankfully was vacant of a passenger and I saw how shaken the father on the bike was... wanting to point to damage that wasn't really there, but the real damage was the possibility that everything could be taken so easily, so carelessly, because a passenger was talking to his father... a simple distraction.  

So I can't imagine what its like to hit a person, only know it was more devastating than the possibility and that seems incomprehensible.

We didn't know who was hit lying there convulsing in shock induced seizures in the middle of our busy intersection... it could have been any one of our students or one of the workers from the countless places we shop at in the area... or one of the people who bum cigarettes from our kids, or one of the 50 thousand people who pass through the busy ass intersection of Nicollet and Franklin.

I have almost hit people there and now with the construction its even more fucked up.  Too many people... too many machines intent to murder.  

I can't count how many times my students have run in front of cars on these streets and any of them could have been killed finally realizing they aren't invincible at the ultimate cost.

One of the students with me in the room ran out to watch, he said he does well with traumatic things, reminds me too much of my bad side. Another started breathing heavily and didn't know what to do, another started worrying that she too would start to seize up (recent medical condition) and another ran to the bathroom to throw up. 


I called 911 for the third time this year to report something I wasn't even sure of, while my co-workers ran into the street and took control of a crowd that would have made things worse, took off their clothes to cover wounds, and started directing traffic until paramedics arrived.  Once they had that in order I got to corral students away from the accident because they don't even know what they are exposing themselves to.  And I guess we've been through enough now that we don't need to think or plan we just act and deal with the hyperventilating and shaking and realization that we don't have enough clothes on afterwards.  It makes me really proud of my co-workers, like I see them every day doing battle against incredible odds with little to no recognition and they just wake up and come in looking like shit again the next day. 
Coffee gets us going and then we do it again.




I came home really upset because an hour or two after this event we had to do battle with one of our administrators who is basically saying that within a year or two we will have to cut a staff member, or add more students to  a school that will not function at that capacity. 

My coworkers are burnt out, starting to think about other options, continuing to give their all at the expense of their health, relationships and sanity and our administrator who makes 3 times what I do, who makes twice as much as my boss and who is getting a raise bigger than ours... Says there are no options to cut our budget at the administrative level even though we point out options trying as hard as we can not to jab or stab at him personally.  He undermines us, pushes his own agenda and then calls foul when we don't trust him, and the thing is... I would, I would trust him if I didn't think he was putting himself before his work... I mean I guess that is good boundaries but this is alternative education... where people can't be unionized because they won't agree to work less hours, because they put the students welfare above their own pay raise, where thousands from our salaries are probably going right back into the school making up the budget gaps he hadn't noticed yet. 

Don't tell 5 overworked assholes with no boundaries and lots of heart that they can't have their way... we'll fuck you up....   

(that's the funniest thing I have ever written).

Spring 2010

Spring 2011

Gettin younger all the time am I right?

Its all been said no?

I gotta do laundry today, meet with the shindig, stay true to the vision, think about the present, learn to breathe right, buy some fruit, get the thoughts out, contrast the difference and justify the reasoning, make some connections before I fall again, learn to catch the wind currents, speak some truth, not get sun burned, should be doing some things, should not be using should statements, maybe see a movie for the fun of it, read some more and maybe finish a book, dream in the sunlight about all forms of sunlight, remember to move on with life, plan a coup, write some grad script, get the things done for my mundane real life, envision a brighter future make the steps to see it, throws out some graphs and a new drawing worth being proud of, wonder again if it will ever be a possibility to trust myself. 

I just found this from a few years ago again. I love when that happens... I like these lines

I am pleasant, positive,
all connections aside
I am driven, good and confident
none from you derived.

Yet I find myself striving,
wondering what you would like
and it almost feels right
it almost feels right.