Repacking the old bag
Actually I threw out my suitcase, this is about e mails...
I went through probably a hundred or so old e mails. some from as long ago as last summer, some as recent as a few days. I guess I felt like it was part of moving on... why save e mails when you can talk to the person face to face in a matter of hours?
I promised both lex and becky e mails tonight, my last night with wireless till Im home (i assume, i dont actually know about london)
Now i find myself tired, exhausted really from the travels... but even more, from months of emotional e mails.. the best and worst of the most significant source of anything in my life...
my brothers, my friends from childhood, jr high, highschool, college, travel... my parents, my former girlfriend my current girlfriend. People I adore, sharing secrets, reflections, jokes and poems. Sometimes the titles themselves revealed the content, sometimes 7 paragraphs in I was pushed through a time portal back to a terrible-worry filled night, or a brilliant exciting wonderful suprise.
I clung to certain e mails more so than others, fearing the loss might mean the relationship was gone... which in some ways has been the case in the past (I rarely use address books, so when that last e mail is deleted and they dont write again...its over)
I felt very free when I started but like always giving up the past is never easy for me, and as more and more tears and smiles frequented my face, I became more and more unsure of what i was doing... pressed on.
what do i say? thanks for writing, it was life changing, and life saving.
thank you
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
Im sitting at an internet cafe inside a book/cd/media store. They have three computers and one of the lowest rates in town. Its really quite genious as people who would normally leave after their quick run in to get something they actually want, see the price and think "maybe i should check my e mail" then they spend anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour shopping throughout the store occasionally checking if a computer has opened up, rather than standing in a line bored.
This morning i waited for an hour, shopped around etc, and finally decided to take a rest near by the computers, after about 20 minutes i start dazing off and a security guard threatened to kick me out. I am in krakow again, after an overnight train and tonight me and steve stay at the airport. Tomorrow morning i take a train back to prague and hope to stay at the same place (if they e mail me back -free wireless internet and a bed)
if not somewhere else.
I leave prague on a 3:30ish flight to london, and stay there for two nights then fly home in to my girlfriends arms hopefully.
this is the plan. now im gonna get off and see how much they charge me.
you enjoy yourself.
peace
This morning i waited for an hour, shopped around etc, and finally decided to take a rest near by the computers, after about 20 minutes i start dazing off and a security guard threatened to kick me out. I am in krakow again, after an overnight train and tonight me and steve stay at the airport. Tomorrow morning i take a train back to prague and hope to stay at the same place (if they e mail me back -free wireless internet and a bed)
if not somewhere else.
I leave prague on a 3:30ish flight to london, and stay there for two nights then fly home in to my girlfriends arms hopefully.
this is the plan. now im gonna get off and see how much they charge me.
you enjoy yourself.
peace
Sunday, May 28, 2006
I dont think this will happen, but if i get home and seem frustrated pissed off or any other negative thing... its probably just because i have gone back to being used to being by myself..
I cant think right now
im a little exhausted already... and im super annoyed with the company.
im annoyed at my own feelings of annoyance... im contemplating (if it is possible) coming back tp prague during the day and staying at this hostel again... just for the internet. I fly out on the 31st
steve says they are watching hostel
the horror movie about hostels or something
which i also want to see, but we have to leave for the train station soon.
We saw x men today.. it was good. kind of suprising and certainly more violent than the other's have been.
I been focusing more on the future... if anything i feel bad not thinking about the past as much as i had been... but its what is supposed to happen right?
the bad dreams come less, but still occur.
i know everything will be fine. but it is pretty easy to get worried isnt it?
anyway.... im super duper ready to come home and still have days or something.
so i wish you luck.
I cant think right now
im a little exhausted already... and im super annoyed with the company.
im annoyed at my own feelings of annoyance... im contemplating (if it is possible) coming back tp prague during the day and staying at this hostel again... just for the internet. I fly out on the 31st
steve says they are watching hostel
the horror movie about hostels or something
which i also want to see, but we have to leave for the train station soon.
We saw x men today.. it was good. kind of suprising and certainly more violent than the other's have been.
I been focusing more on the future... if anything i feel bad not thinking about the past as much as i had been... but its what is supposed to happen right?
the bad dreams come less, but still occur.
i know everything will be fine. but it is pretty easy to get worried isnt it?
anyway.... im super duper ready to come home and still have days or something.
so i wish you luck.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
I think being so far away from the humanity of certain people has lead me to disliking them even more so...(I am thinking of about 2 people i think...) one of them is getting an award for being a good person, and i heard before i even came to morris that he was not in fact a good person, and this position has only been strengthed since. Its not so much that I want to dislike/(hate?) them... its that i cant find anyway to justify their actions, especially the fact that they continue to do them knowing its not ok.
I hate that they cant do what I feel i have done... taken the majority of my horribleness and boxed it away to the best of my ability or learned to channel it in to something better. I hate that they dont try, or that I dont see them trying. and when i hear of their dramatic influence on so many, and especially the young (once again im going in to teachin...) i become nervous no, scared, i become scared that their demons are not in check. the pity, and sadness i feel is replaced by bitter anger, something im not always sure im even capable of, and yet when i feel it, Im amazed that Im not always so adamently against such things.
but its a selfish anger, its rage, and its a demon in itself.
we cant rush in to war with our hated enemy because he hurts others... for when we rush we become.
I hate that they cant do what I feel i have done... taken the majority of my horribleness and boxed it away to the best of my ability or learned to channel it in to something better. I hate that they dont try, or that I dont see them trying. and when i hear of their dramatic influence on so many, and especially the young (once again im going in to teachin...) i become nervous no, scared, i become scared that their demons are not in check. the pity, and sadness i feel is replaced by bitter anger, something im not always sure im even capable of, and yet when i feel it, Im amazed that Im not always so adamently against such things.
but its a selfish anger, its rage, and its a demon in itself.
we cant rush in to war with our hated enemy because he hurts others... for when we rush we become.
Sittin in the bar, its a sat night, and the next few days seem like they will be exhausting... ate chinese twice today. i couldnt think of anything i wanted to do more than be home with someone. Its funny how more and more my thoughts revolve around such. I use to miss all my friends, and i still do, but i feel like there will be time, and me i need to get my warmth back.
nervous, and excited. sick of being here.. the time with steve has been great in a lot of ways, and had it been a month ago i would have enjoyed it immensely, but i feel like we are sitting around waiting, it sucks too that i have a few days in london before i get home... as if the next three days wont be enough... (no sleeping in hostels, two trains and an airport)
we threw out my moms suitcase today... I got my comp, a few items and a set of clothes, in a plastic bag and my backpack... if i lose it, im fucked... but how could i lose something so easy to hold on to.
(thinks back to the fact that on every trip he has lost something major...well fuck, im due)
steve is getting sent home loaded up with stuff..
we have been up to a few things, yesterday we saw a bone church, today the praha castle, he tried some absinthe, i took some pictures, we went in to a sex store today, a little awkward considering he is my brother, but it was funny... he saw a movie called "little people need love too" and i thought "thats true"
so on that topic...
I am feeling fairly disconnected actually.. Everyone at home seems to be going through some seriously hard shit. I mean like everyone who writes me.
loneliness, depression, boredom, anxiety, parent stress, relationship stress, lack of friends, disconnection from friends.
They all write and say they feel fucked up... and i write em back and say everyone else is sitting around feeling the same, call em up for tea and a movie. and some do the familiar bar scene....
you dont need the drugs to feel good, its connection and self you want, so find that.
If there is anything i know, its that the connection is whats important.
meanwhile i hear those same people are trying to make beautiful decisions... doing the right thing, giving up the bad stuff, trying to find some meaningful job, doing projects. it sounds great, it just sucks that they cant see that.
Like i was telling steve today... "prague has some great art, its inspiring, but it sucks that when you have the inspiration you dont have the time and the tools, and when you have them you dont have the inspiration"
sounds like people feel they are lacking the inspiration... its still there people... remember the love.
write, draw, take pictures, make crafts, dance, dress up, perform, play music, research, learn, communicate, help, connect, express, and then sleep and dream beautiful thoughts to wake and do it again...
and if nothing else, think about how happy i will be to give each and everyone of you a hug. cuz you know its true... im fucking deprived.
anywho... i better get to bed.
peace and love
taff
nervous, and excited. sick of being here.. the time with steve has been great in a lot of ways, and had it been a month ago i would have enjoyed it immensely, but i feel like we are sitting around waiting, it sucks too that i have a few days in london before i get home... as if the next three days wont be enough... (no sleeping in hostels, two trains and an airport)
we threw out my moms suitcase today... I got my comp, a few items and a set of clothes, in a plastic bag and my backpack... if i lose it, im fucked... but how could i lose something so easy to hold on to.
(thinks back to the fact that on every trip he has lost something major...well fuck, im due)
steve is getting sent home loaded up with stuff..
we have been up to a few things, yesterday we saw a bone church, today the praha castle, he tried some absinthe, i took some pictures, we went in to a sex store today, a little awkward considering he is my brother, but it was funny... he saw a movie called "little people need love too" and i thought "thats true"
so on that topic...
I am feeling fairly disconnected actually.. Everyone at home seems to be going through some seriously hard shit. I mean like everyone who writes me.
loneliness, depression, boredom, anxiety, parent stress, relationship stress, lack of friends, disconnection from friends.
They all write and say they feel fucked up... and i write em back and say everyone else is sitting around feeling the same, call em up for tea and a movie. and some do the familiar bar scene....
you dont need the drugs to feel good, its connection and self you want, so find that.
If there is anything i know, its that the connection is whats important.
meanwhile i hear those same people are trying to make beautiful decisions... doing the right thing, giving up the bad stuff, trying to find some meaningful job, doing projects. it sounds great, it just sucks that they cant see that.
Like i was telling steve today... "prague has some great art, its inspiring, but it sucks that when you have the inspiration you dont have the time and the tools, and when you have them you dont have the inspiration"
sounds like people feel they are lacking the inspiration... its still there people... remember the love.
write, draw, take pictures, make crafts, dance, dress up, perform, play music, research, learn, communicate, help, connect, express, and then sleep and dream beautiful thoughts to wake and do it again...
and if nothing else, think about how happy i will be to give each and everyone of you a hug. cuz you know its true... im fucking deprived.
anywho... i better get to bed.
peace and love
taff
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
My brother says hes having a good time, Im glad... I got a little worried when after we saw the castle this afternoon, and had icecream, i had nothing else to do but suggest a movie.. We saw the davinci code. I wont say anything for all those who havent seen it. He said he liked it, but more so that hes just having a good time thinking bout things other then his daily life, struggles and happiness.. i forgot how when u have been doing the same thing for so long you want change.... I suppose im in the same position, only looking for something to stay the same.
James apparently is too busy to watch amelie.. I never want to be that busy.
I like my brothers passion. Their drive for things. its inspirational and i wish my parents still had it.
Tomorrow the concentration camps... then prague on an over night.
3 night there and then a train back,and a night in the airport. hopefully i can change my flight to be out of here... or i have to pay another 60 to get back to prague...
its weird to charge your brother for things... keeping a running tab.
we had bad chinese... we are fairly sure they took it out of a frozen food section bag.. like microwave dinner style...
i make better chinese in my sleep.
polish.... too many microwaves.
peace
James apparently is too busy to watch amelie.. I never want to be that busy.
I like my brothers passion. Their drive for things. its inspirational and i wish my parents still had it.
Tomorrow the concentration camps... then prague on an over night.
3 night there and then a train back,and a night in the airport. hopefully i can change my flight to be out of here... or i have to pay another 60 to get back to prague...
its weird to charge your brother for things... keeping a running tab.
we had bad chinese... we are fairly sure they took it out of a frozen food section bag.. like microwave dinner style...
i make better chinese in my sleep.
polish.... too many microwaves.
peace
Monday, May 22, 2006
Im not even on myspace and i find myself stalking cats
for instance like the whole of minneapolis hip hop has myspace accounts, clara (flea's daughter) and john frusciante have pages...
half my friend from highschool have pages...
what da deal?
am i missing the boat, and if i hop on is it just one more bandwagon to keep track of? arent i hooked in to and spending too much time on the net as it is... an addict since i was 12.
on the flip side...
my lil brother is here and things seem normal. good. swell... but part of me thinks we could have reconnected at home... still its a good trip, and this city is great for sharing... im glad i came... im glad he came... it will make the next week a hell of a lot more fun.
but oh how i been counting the days...
u enjoy yourself... soon you will have to deal with me
and im one sick sob
peace and love
taff
for instance like the whole of minneapolis hip hop has myspace accounts, clara (flea's daughter) and john frusciante have pages...
half my friend from highschool have pages...
what da deal?
am i missing the boat, and if i hop on is it just one more bandwagon to keep track of? arent i hooked in to and spending too much time on the net as it is... an addict since i was 12.
on the flip side...
my lil brother is here and things seem normal. good. swell... but part of me thinks we could have reconnected at home... still its a good trip, and this city is great for sharing... im glad i came... im glad he came... it will make the next week a hell of a lot more fun.
but oh how i been counting the days...
u enjoy yourself... soon you will have to deal with me
and im one sick sob
peace and love
taff
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I was hoping lex would return, but she is a social girl and i like that about her so...
my mom reports that my rents put my brother on the plane. which triggers another wave of one of my big fears...
(I will explain)
I dont know when this started, i think it got a lot worse when i realized we were responsible for ourselves and such, and saw how reckless my brothers can be... but my mother the counselor would of course point out that i have been mothering my little brother and possibly my older since i was a small lad.
It happens the most when we are driving, all of us in one car, or even worse when we are following eachother.. (and i know i have explained this before) but its one thing i forgot about my last trip... when james came out i suddenly panicked thinking "what if"
what if something happens....
i have my little visionlike things... (overactive imagination) and they rarely come true... but i had one one day in highschool when james was driving me to school (which he didnt do very often) and i think i remember seeing a truck, and i thought about how we would be impaled like in the movies with the metal bars, me staring at him, unable to help while he suffered.
what happens if there is a car crash and they (in the other car) are hurt, and i cant stop...
what happens if the plane doesnt make it.
what happens if while he is here, something happens...
i have few fears i take seriously.... (in comparison to how much i worry)
but this is one thats hard to resist.
so i continue to be my brothers mother.
not that they cant take care of themselves... when i think about it, steve might be able to get a teaching job before i do.
anyway.
fears... nothing is gonna happen
peace and love
taff
my mom reports that my rents put my brother on the plane. which triggers another wave of one of my big fears...
(I will explain)
I dont know when this started, i think it got a lot worse when i realized we were responsible for ourselves and such, and saw how reckless my brothers can be... but my mother the counselor would of course point out that i have been mothering my little brother and possibly my older since i was a small lad.
It happens the most when we are driving, all of us in one car, or even worse when we are following eachother.. (and i know i have explained this before) but its one thing i forgot about my last trip... when james came out i suddenly panicked thinking "what if"
what if something happens....
i have my little visionlike things... (overactive imagination) and they rarely come true... but i had one one day in highschool when james was driving me to school (which he didnt do very often) and i think i remember seeing a truck, and i thought about how we would be impaled like in the movies with the metal bars, me staring at him, unable to help while he suffered.
what happens if there is a car crash and they (in the other car) are hurt, and i cant stop...
what happens if the plane doesnt make it.
what happens if while he is here, something happens...
i have few fears i take seriously.... (in comparison to how much i worry)
but this is one thats hard to resist.
so i continue to be my brothers mother.
not that they cant take care of themselves... when i think about it, steve might be able to get a teaching job before i do.
anyway.
fears... nothing is gonna happen
peace and love
taff
I went to see the new woody allen movie Matchpoint(actually i dont know if its new, they were playing walk the line at the same theater)
i didnt much like it as the charcters were hard to get in to. The closest thing i could compare it to was closer, im absolutely sure there were some higher literary points homages etc in the movie that flew over my head... and certainly even a bit of philosophy, but i just saw a guy who didnt love his wife and married her for money while lusting after another girl who he didnt love either... whats the point buddy?
at least with closer, you feel for them... you know they are doing shit wrong and you sort of hate them for it... but as they all get screwed over, you start to feel bad for their mistakes...
anyway... fucked up cheating movies that make me really sure i never want anything like that in my life.
and more and more i dont worry about it.
im really glad steve is coming to krakow.. its such a beautiful city and there is shit to do and its got some energy to it. and the song the 2 old men guitarists were playing as i walked home, set my soul a dancing... and my body as well-a swagger a stroll...
i also am getting in to this chili peppers cd more and more which makes me really glad, i stick by my earlier statements though... but the music is good and starts ya groovin.
what else to say?
nada really... my mom said she wanted to hear my stories when i get home, and im not sure i have any... i dont think i like avoided adventure or anything, but it wasnt calling out to me i guess. so not much to report on.
the italian guys asked me to go out dancing with them tonight (to find girls)
and i declined, and he asked why.. and i said I dunno... just not interested...
they were out till 5 am last night..
i could have rented a motor scooter but i didnt want to.
i could have done a million things, and maybe i will do some when steve gets here but mainly i been very chill
and you? what have u been doin?
i didnt much like it as the charcters were hard to get in to. The closest thing i could compare it to was closer, im absolutely sure there were some higher literary points homages etc in the movie that flew over my head... and certainly even a bit of philosophy, but i just saw a guy who didnt love his wife and married her for money while lusting after another girl who he didnt love either... whats the point buddy?
at least with closer, you feel for them... you know they are doing shit wrong and you sort of hate them for it... but as they all get screwed over, you start to feel bad for their mistakes...
anyway... fucked up cheating movies that make me really sure i never want anything like that in my life.
and more and more i dont worry about it.
im really glad steve is coming to krakow.. its such a beautiful city and there is shit to do and its got some energy to it. and the song the 2 old men guitarists were playing as i walked home, set my soul a dancing... and my body as well-a swagger a stroll...
i also am getting in to this chili peppers cd more and more which makes me really glad, i stick by my earlier statements though... but the music is good and starts ya groovin.
what else to say?
nada really... my mom said she wanted to hear my stories when i get home, and im not sure i have any... i dont think i like avoided adventure or anything, but it wasnt calling out to me i guess. so not much to report on.
the italian guys asked me to go out dancing with them tonight (to find girls)
and i declined, and he asked why.. and i said I dunno... just not interested...
they were out till 5 am last night..
i could have rented a motor scooter but i didnt want to.
i could have done a million things, and maybe i will do some when steve gets here but mainly i been very chill
and you? what have u been doin?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
EIght tidbits of suckeriffic fun!
(thats a goal now, 8...)
lets see.
1)
I have no Gaydar...Well thats not true, I do sometimes, like the old man from the past few, i caught that before he said anything, but he drops hints... rachel's friend in montpellier, caught that same way, before he said it.
but european guys are hard.
There are two italian guys in this hostel (they are the only other people here, and its fairly large, I have an 8 bed room to myself right now -smooth)
anyway. I wake up because the guy wants me to pay, and then he shows me the computer with free internet (score) so i run in to the other two guys, and one of them has just showered and asks me if i have a hair dryer for his short ass hair. (thats emphasis not literal) anyway.. hes hanging with another guy, both are fairly buff, both italian, clearly good friends, (sound like they are speaking german to me, but i had like 2 hours of sleep in 2 days so...) anyway they are showering etc to go out. they seem kind of effiminate, but no actual signs... I wake up 5 hours later and one of them is putting clothes on and the other is going to the bathroom... I think to myself "self, what would require you to change 5 hours after u have taken a shower and gotten dressed? AHHH..." and i assume they been going to town all afternoon. They leave. I leave later.... I come back around 9ish and one of them is at the computer and the other is in his breifs and socks.. and I think "ok they are a couple for sure..."
15 minutes later the guy who was in his underoos walks in and says "we are chatting with some ukranian girls online who we are hoping to meet when we go to ukraine in a few days" (at first im like "ok i was wrong" then I think "well maybe they are just friends" and then he goes on a big long thing about how great russian women look and then about latvian women and then about irish women... and blah blah blah.... so -conclusion. European men often dress metro, and often are actually the sleeziest sex fiends ever!
2)Last night, and yesterday i spent all day on a train. I had stayed up all of thursday night to catch my 6:08 am train to krakow... at the station i saw some cats playing guitar, and asked em some questions and shit.. school group (highschool) class for a few weeks in romania and poland. Smooth.
I go to sleep on the train, (empty car)
wake up to like 4 of em in my car hanging out.
we sit and talk all day and night.
interesting things:
they go to a boarding school program for "bad kids" where they get kidnapped (basically) and sent away for a year or two and go through all these weird things. at first I think it sounds aight, later im not as sure.
the kids in my car have been sent away for drug and anger problems.. they are 16 and 17 and they seem like the nicest kids in the world (this is why i like the program)
somehow the environment offers them a new chance to start over at a rate that doesnt seem so hectic so they have time and support to mature and deal with things in a different way--it works honestly.
the problems... it costs a fortune.. like as much as 5 years at morris. It offers them little breathing room. no touching no kissing, no drugs no violence, no talking back etc. the staff actually seem really sweet, but you wonder how tolerant they are with the kids who dont follow along.
anyway.. i had a great time, and it was really nice, i felt like i could still relate in meaningful ways to highschool kids, and be fun... but also mature and teach them some things.
it was great for me too, because i have been wondering if i will like being a teacher and with a few hours with them, i was reassured that it will be what i want.
3) krakow is sweet. its like a mix between munich, dubrovnik and cesky krumlov... its bohemian and cool. and i like it. im glad my brother is coming here.
4) my brothers plane shit sucks... i wanted to go to prague right away but he gets in at 8 and the train leave at 10 with a 40 minute bus ride inbetween (too close for comfort) and then he leaves at 6 am on the 30th, which probably means staying at the airport all night. plus now im not sure if i can use my ticket out of prague (because i thought he would be able to fly out from there) so i might be paying another 150 or so to fly from here, or paying 100 bucks to go to prague to use it... is it worth it?
we shall see
5) im gonna put up some poetry on my poetry site tonight...
6) school: i have two incompletes for the semester. shit i have to finish up later. journal, 3 papers, blog, and write an intro and conclusion to my india paper (which she just now told me)but she thinks i can get an A once i turn everything in.
7) fuck im running out of shit to say.
less than 2 weeks... i smell like all hell, my shoes are done for... my socks get gross in like 2 hours of walking and my one pair of pants has more stains on it then.... something else....
last night was fucking freezing on the train, so i bundled up in a long sleeve and a sweatshirt, which is weird coming from weather i was about to pass out in. I think the temp here is fine, especially during the day. everyone is in t shirts and skirts (which attracts the eye) but at night it gets sweatshirt weather.... so really... just perfect.
8) i bought eurotrip which is actually a terrible movie in a lot of ways but i still think it explains a lot about how these things go, and it is funny. plus lucylawless is sweet, and theres that one scene with david hasselhoffs head! so i guess im gonna watch that tonight or tomorrow. looking forward to ditching my shit with steve. I been spending too much money lately, and will probably return with less than I thought I would. but at least i havent been having a horrible time. life is beuno.
peace and love
taff
(thats a goal now, 8...)
lets see.
1)
I have no Gaydar...Well thats not true, I do sometimes, like the old man from the past few, i caught that before he said anything, but he drops hints... rachel's friend in montpellier, caught that same way, before he said it.
but european guys are hard.
There are two italian guys in this hostel (they are the only other people here, and its fairly large, I have an 8 bed room to myself right now -smooth)
anyway. I wake up because the guy wants me to pay, and then he shows me the computer with free internet (score) so i run in to the other two guys, and one of them has just showered and asks me if i have a hair dryer for his short ass hair. (thats emphasis not literal) anyway.. hes hanging with another guy, both are fairly buff, both italian, clearly good friends, (sound like they are speaking german to me, but i had like 2 hours of sleep in 2 days so...) anyway they are showering etc to go out. they seem kind of effiminate, but no actual signs... I wake up 5 hours later and one of them is putting clothes on and the other is going to the bathroom... I think to myself "self, what would require you to change 5 hours after u have taken a shower and gotten dressed? AHHH..." and i assume they been going to town all afternoon. They leave. I leave later.... I come back around 9ish and one of them is at the computer and the other is in his breifs and socks.. and I think "ok they are a couple for sure..."
15 minutes later the guy who was in his underoos walks in and says "we are chatting with some ukranian girls online who we are hoping to meet when we go to ukraine in a few days" (at first im like "ok i was wrong" then I think "well maybe they are just friends" and then he goes on a big long thing about how great russian women look and then about latvian women and then about irish women... and blah blah blah.... so -conclusion. European men often dress metro, and often are actually the sleeziest sex fiends ever!
2)Last night, and yesterday i spent all day on a train. I had stayed up all of thursday night to catch my 6:08 am train to krakow... at the station i saw some cats playing guitar, and asked em some questions and shit.. school group (highschool) class for a few weeks in romania and poland. Smooth.
I go to sleep on the train, (empty car)
wake up to like 4 of em in my car hanging out.
we sit and talk all day and night.
interesting things:
they go to a boarding school program for "bad kids" where they get kidnapped (basically) and sent away for a year or two and go through all these weird things. at first I think it sounds aight, later im not as sure.
the kids in my car have been sent away for drug and anger problems.. they are 16 and 17 and they seem like the nicest kids in the world (this is why i like the program)
somehow the environment offers them a new chance to start over at a rate that doesnt seem so hectic so they have time and support to mature and deal with things in a different way--it works honestly.
the problems... it costs a fortune.. like as much as 5 years at morris. It offers them little breathing room. no touching no kissing, no drugs no violence, no talking back etc. the staff actually seem really sweet, but you wonder how tolerant they are with the kids who dont follow along.
anyway.. i had a great time, and it was really nice, i felt like i could still relate in meaningful ways to highschool kids, and be fun... but also mature and teach them some things.
it was great for me too, because i have been wondering if i will like being a teacher and with a few hours with them, i was reassured that it will be what i want.
3) krakow is sweet. its like a mix between munich, dubrovnik and cesky krumlov... its bohemian and cool. and i like it. im glad my brother is coming here.
4) my brothers plane shit sucks... i wanted to go to prague right away but he gets in at 8 and the train leave at 10 with a 40 minute bus ride inbetween (too close for comfort) and then he leaves at 6 am on the 30th, which probably means staying at the airport all night. plus now im not sure if i can use my ticket out of prague (because i thought he would be able to fly out from there) so i might be paying another 150 or so to fly from here, or paying 100 bucks to go to prague to use it... is it worth it?
we shall see
5) im gonna put up some poetry on my poetry site tonight...
6) school: i have two incompletes for the semester. shit i have to finish up later. journal, 3 papers, blog, and write an intro and conclusion to my india paper (which she just now told me)but she thinks i can get an A once i turn everything in.
7) fuck im running out of shit to say.
less than 2 weeks... i smell like all hell, my shoes are done for... my socks get gross in like 2 hours of walking and my one pair of pants has more stains on it then.... something else....
last night was fucking freezing on the train, so i bundled up in a long sleeve and a sweatshirt, which is weird coming from weather i was about to pass out in. I think the temp here is fine, especially during the day. everyone is in t shirts and skirts (which attracts the eye) but at night it gets sweatshirt weather.... so really... just perfect.
8) i bought eurotrip which is actually a terrible movie in a lot of ways but i still think it explains a lot about how these things go, and it is funny. plus lucylawless is sweet, and theres that one scene with david hasselhoffs head! so i guess im gonna watch that tonight or tomorrow. looking forward to ditching my shit with steve. I been spending too much money lately, and will probably return with less than I thought I would. but at least i havent been having a horrible time. life is beuno.
peace and love
taff
Thursday, May 18, 2006
i was gonna write about relationship shit, but i feel like i would be broadcasting too much.. nothing unusual or wrong, but broadcasting my eternal tensions and wondering why i cant leave them behind, while maintaining the present and future.
im glad though, its a much better and more fulfilling thing than the alternative.
for example the old dude hit on me again on and off for a few hourse today... hes very blunt, for instance "why dont you and me sleep together in a 69 position tonight and see what everyone thinks?" (my reaction) "not interested..."
he asked if it was cuz he was older... and i said no, just not interested in hooking up.
last night a woman asked for my number and e mail address (while i was here)
its funny because i didnt know she was hitting on me... i thought she wanted a pen pal or something and didnt figure it out till she asked if i would call her today...
i think she just wants to marry an american.
so i went to a movie... a love movie set in war times, duty and honor vs love... and everyone agrees with the love but then the hero does his duty and dies anyway...
i hated knowing exactly what the characters were feeling at the time... it wasnt the acting (which was ok/fairly decent) but just the situation.
i hated it because i was so far from anyone who i could just fall in to. to be reassured.
i have noticed more and more lately i just miss nice little affection. hugs and kisses, non "sexual" stuff. the warmth of someone, it makes me think of a bed and an apartment she doesnt live in anymore... but also of a picnic i wanted to hold her during. some sort of connection that i couldnt explain but didnt want to end.
it makes me think of hugs and conversations with my friends. i miss them. i miss the genuine realness of their hugs. the look in their eyes when we talk, their beautiful smiles. It makes me miss the boys and their jokes, their quotes even their beer breath and stupidity.
i miss dinners with my brothers. the strange urgency we all seem to feel when we should be more relaxed than anything, and then we fall in to rhythm some how all the same even though we are so different some how we feel our own blood, and leave feeling that same strange feeling, like why isnt this normal? why so rare?
I miss stupid shit.
i miss going to movies getting lost in the moment, i miss board games, i miss chinese food.
i feel sick lately, and not like in my body, but just drained.. feeling like the the party is on the other side of some large wooden doors, and though its not locked i cant open them... i have tried... i have lost all my energy... i give up and wait.
im gonna write a poem about bucharest.
the only lines i have so far go something like
"and that Rroma Woman on her knees she begs beseeches
tired of sleeping on your streets, park benches and beaches."
well its midnight and im gonna go to the train station in 4 and half hours. dark and struggling with a broken suitcase.
sorry this is so depressing must be the graying days
its supposedly raining a lot in poland.
if you are a beautiful person, give yourself a hand...
peace and love
taff
im glad though, its a much better and more fulfilling thing than the alternative.
for example the old dude hit on me again on and off for a few hourse today... hes very blunt, for instance "why dont you and me sleep together in a 69 position tonight and see what everyone thinks?" (my reaction) "not interested..."
he asked if it was cuz he was older... and i said no, just not interested in hooking up.
last night a woman asked for my number and e mail address (while i was here)
its funny because i didnt know she was hitting on me... i thought she wanted a pen pal or something and didnt figure it out till she asked if i would call her today...
i think she just wants to marry an american.
so i went to a movie... a love movie set in war times, duty and honor vs love... and everyone agrees with the love but then the hero does his duty and dies anyway...
i hated knowing exactly what the characters were feeling at the time... it wasnt the acting (which was ok/fairly decent) but just the situation.
i hated it because i was so far from anyone who i could just fall in to. to be reassured.
i have noticed more and more lately i just miss nice little affection. hugs and kisses, non "sexual" stuff. the warmth of someone, it makes me think of a bed and an apartment she doesnt live in anymore... but also of a picnic i wanted to hold her during. some sort of connection that i couldnt explain but didnt want to end.
it makes me think of hugs and conversations with my friends. i miss them. i miss the genuine realness of their hugs. the look in their eyes when we talk, their beautiful smiles. It makes me miss the boys and their jokes, their quotes even their beer breath and stupidity.
i miss dinners with my brothers. the strange urgency we all seem to feel when we should be more relaxed than anything, and then we fall in to rhythm some how all the same even though we are so different some how we feel our own blood, and leave feeling that same strange feeling, like why isnt this normal? why so rare?
I miss stupid shit.
i miss going to movies getting lost in the moment, i miss board games, i miss chinese food.
i feel sick lately, and not like in my body, but just drained.. feeling like the the party is on the other side of some large wooden doors, and though its not locked i cant open them... i have tried... i have lost all my energy... i give up and wait.
im gonna write a poem about bucharest.
the only lines i have so far go something like
"and that Rroma Woman on her knees she begs beseeches
tired of sleeping on your streets, park benches and beaches."
well its midnight and im gonna go to the train station in 4 and half hours. dark and struggling with a broken suitcase.
sorry this is so depressing must be the graying days
its supposedly raining a lot in poland.
if you are a beautiful person, give yourself a hand...
peace and love
taff
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
For some reason Im feeling very drained...
its about 5:00 and I woke up around 2:00 having gone to bed around 5:00 AM i love night schedules but im not sure it pays off in a hostel.
most of the cats i been hanging with left today.
The australian guy and I went to pizz hut last night (my third time) and talked about travels and troubles... according to the backpacker religion -we were meant to run in to eachother, and I think in a lot of ways my sharing similar thoughts worries, past experiances did help him... Im not sure what i gained in a larger picture, but it was a goo conversation and I hadnt had one in a long time.
We returned to the hostel really late, and ran in to some drunk americans after watching vertigo with the lady who runs the place. (the workers sleep in the tv room) anyway we started talking politics and ended up on sex (of course) and this rather vulgar american girl opened up in the way guys brag... but because she was a woman, it was really funny, and "refreshing" --me and the australian guy had already talked about how weird it is to be around male backpackers who always talk about getting laid and things, when the thought rarely even hits our minds.
__________________________________________________________________
I been writing poetry.. im not sure if i have anything good.. but eh.
____________________________________________________________________
I watched the movie Kids last night, and was once again repulsed with all men.
______________________________________________________________________
I got the new chili peppers cd yesterday and im not as impressed as i was hoping to be... of course they cant keep up the streak (they just put out 4 brilliant albums in a row) and this new one, a double cd seems quickly made... the music is good but not amazing. the lyrics are in some cases very heart warming and real, but in other songs it seems like anthony keidis cares more about rhyming than making sense, and he used to be able to do both... many of the songs are what i would call filler for a band of this status... (where as they might be "ok" if it were a smaller band)
but to go back to the lyrics thing, its painfully obvious once again that anthony keidis would be terrible if he wasnt around such brilliant musicians.. they are carrying him... his voice has gotten better over the years, but without flea and john and chad.... hes "eh"
john's cds dont have great lyrics either, but its not expected.. hes too weird and his guitar work is brilliant and moving enough to carry a song.. so its a great addition to hear his voice (for me, not for most) and his lyrics are beautiful in that sort of crazy genious sort of way.
its still pretty amazing to see guys their age, jumping around and dancing and falling over, and giving it their all in concert though... i gotta give em mad props for that... but i wish they were getting more serious with their music, and less (funk/dance/pop) its what ruins good bands... no doubt...black eyed peas....
I been wondering if 311 wants to tak back their lyrics lately...
"black eyed peas come original..." not anymore.
But omar rodriguez of the mars volta once again makes an appearance on the chili peppers cd (him and john work together a lot, and flea and john are both on the mars volta albums) im just waiting for a chili peppers mars volta tour... which would basically be like everything i would ever want in a show. except i wouldnt have enough energy im sure...
_______________ok enough of me being a music snob_______________________________
hmmmmm i wrote a poem about the "crazy guy"
apparently he is 51 and the hostel lady, thinks his family escaped from russia because she says he has a russian and an american name.. last name(and they are very different)
he still looks like rasputin, but everyone else thinks he looks like jesus.
________________________________________________________________________________
I went to the art museum, it was aight... but i wish i had had more energy today... maybe its just too hot... in winter we dream of heat, in summer we die with out air conditioning... we just cant win.
____________________________________________________________________________
they have dogs all over romania, but especially in bucharest...
these are street dogs and they roam in packs... a japanese tourist was killed a few months ago. apparently brigitte bardeux (spelling?) has an animal rights group that convinced the city not to kill all the dogs.. but its sort of scary when you hear them at night and u have to avoid certain streets becaus its all territorial.
____________________________________________________________________________
um right....
i'll probably get internet again later.
peace
its about 5:00 and I woke up around 2:00 having gone to bed around 5:00 AM i love night schedules but im not sure it pays off in a hostel.
most of the cats i been hanging with left today.
The australian guy and I went to pizz hut last night (my third time) and talked about travels and troubles... according to the backpacker religion -we were meant to run in to eachother, and I think in a lot of ways my sharing similar thoughts worries, past experiances did help him... Im not sure what i gained in a larger picture, but it was a goo conversation and I hadnt had one in a long time.
We returned to the hostel really late, and ran in to some drunk americans after watching vertigo with the lady who runs the place. (the workers sleep in the tv room) anyway we started talking politics and ended up on sex (of course) and this rather vulgar american girl opened up in the way guys brag... but because she was a woman, it was really funny, and "refreshing" --me and the australian guy had already talked about how weird it is to be around male backpackers who always talk about getting laid and things, when the thought rarely even hits our minds.
__________________________________________________________________
I been writing poetry.. im not sure if i have anything good.. but eh.
____________________________________________________________________
I watched the movie Kids last night, and was once again repulsed with all men.
______________________________________________________________________
I got the new chili peppers cd yesterday and im not as impressed as i was hoping to be... of course they cant keep up the streak (they just put out 4 brilliant albums in a row) and this new one, a double cd seems quickly made... the music is good but not amazing. the lyrics are in some cases very heart warming and real, but in other songs it seems like anthony keidis cares more about rhyming than making sense, and he used to be able to do both... many of the songs are what i would call filler for a band of this status... (where as they might be "ok" if it were a smaller band)
but to go back to the lyrics thing, its painfully obvious once again that anthony keidis would be terrible if he wasnt around such brilliant musicians.. they are carrying him... his voice has gotten better over the years, but without flea and john and chad.... hes "eh"
john's cds dont have great lyrics either, but its not expected.. hes too weird and his guitar work is brilliant and moving enough to carry a song.. so its a great addition to hear his voice (for me, not for most) and his lyrics are beautiful in that sort of crazy genious sort of way.
its still pretty amazing to see guys their age, jumping around and dancing and falling over, and giving it their all in concert though... i gotta give em mad props for that... but i wish they were getting more serious with their music, and less (funk/dance/pop) its what ruins good bands... no doubt...black eyed peas....
I been wondering if 311 wants to tak back their lyrics lately...
"black eyed peas come original..." not anymore.
But omar rodriguez of the mars volta once again makes an appearance on the chili peppers cd (him and john work together a lot, and flea and john are both on the mars volta albums) im just waiting for a chili peppers mars volta tour... which would basically be like everything i would ever want in a show. except i wouldnt have enough energy im sure...
_______________ok enough of me being a music snob_______________________________
hmmmmm i wrote a poem about the "crazy guy"
apparently he is 51 and the hostel lady, thinks his family escaped from russia because she says he has a russian and an american name.. last name(and they are very different)
he still looks like rasputin, but everyone else thinks he looks like jesus.
________________________________________________________________________________
I went to the art museum, it was aight... but i wish i had had more energy today... maybe its just too hot... in winter we dream of heat, in summer we die with out air conditioning... we just cant win.
____________________________________________________________________________
they have dogs all over romania, but especially in bucharest...
these are street dogs and they roam in packs... a japanese tourist was killed a few months ago. apparently brigitte bardeux (spelling?) has an animal rights group that convinced the city not to kill all the dogs.. but its sort of scary when you hear them at night and u have to avoid certain streets becaus its all territorial.
____________________________________________________________________________
um right....
i'll probably get internet again later.
peace
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Its sad, it sort of feels like people are converging in an unhappy way... where are the feasts? the pagentry? the desires and hopes? and why do they get so solemn when things change.
I woke up this morning feeling like that..
I mean thinking about that...
I met this man yesterday and i have been trying to place why i dont feel comfortable around him. Is it that he hits on me? is it that he treats sex like a conquest.. maybe, yes, no, maybe its that I worry when I am 60 I wont have anything positive to say about the present, the future.
He tells me about his buildings in CA that he rents out to make money for travel and other things....
this is his project for the future.. and its nice, but it leaves him with lots of time to think of the past, and he wishes he could go back...
where as I hope when im 60 i will be proud of my past, happy about my present, and looking forward to the future.
I think the only way to do this, is to stay focuses on love (and such)
I mean, he tells stories about lust, but where is the love? where is the moving/driving force... for certainly bodies give out, but spirits shouldnt have to. I dont want my spirit to get old. I want it to drive and drive.
so always have a project a hope.. a love
I was singing johnny cash's version of "hurt" (NIN) and i was thinking about how although that song, and the way he sang it, were about basically that giving up--or that being done... he wasnt himself. nearing the end of his life, he still put out great cds. and not only that but reached a younger generation by touching them with his version of their songs... Cash covering depeche mode, and NIN... what the fuck? and yet they are great great covers... thats brilliance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I decided not to go to transylvania last night around 3AM I dont really have a reason except im trying to enjoy the time off... i am meeting people here.. and why go to some old castle and dink around when there is shit i havent seen here.
Like today i was gonna go to the art museum, but because there is a concert, they closed it. and the traffic is silly... so maybe i will try to find the hinted at tony romas... and then decide i cant afford it.
___________________________________________________________________________
I am thinking in my off time, I may volunteer for my brother this summer. Off time meaning when im not with my friends, in morris, or visiting others. I also would seriously like to start painting... and seriosly like to learn how to play music one of these days. (this will never happen)
********************************************************************************
its hard because everyone is away from school, and internet, they have their own focuses... my mom was talking about how basically I sit around all day with time to think about people and things, waiting for them to be a part of my life (while im here) but they spend their time living their lives, without the time to ponder and thus dont even realize im waiting... this seems true and what can you do?
This australian guy i was talking to is about halfway through a 9 month around the world trip... he seems to be in a similar position.... still moving forward but wanting to go home... he says he has a girlfriend of 10 years... and I wonder why she isnt with him... maybe they needed the time apart to learn who they were again... i hope the trip changes things for the better.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Is she a smoker? (or just too busy)
____________________________________________________________________________________
a test of wills last night left me going to bed around 4:30 am... I think on thursday I will stay up all night and sleep on the train to krakow...
(its a 6:08 am train)
____________________________________________________________________________________
War. we dont speak anymore of war.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Its a beautiful song miss, I wish I could write things like that, and it seems he must have been really focused (in the moment) to write with such clarity...
I think its really a true statement you know? like the home is where the heart is thing..
++++++++++++++++
remind me to learn from this second attempt and not travel alone anymore. its good once, to find out what you need.
I wish there were more to do online... how do i spend my time at home? i spose looking up bad things.
oh well
you enjoy yourself dear diary.
I woke up this morning feeling like that..
I mean thinking about that...
I met this man yesterday and i have been trying to place why i dont feel comfortable around him. Is it that he hits on me? is it that he treats sex like a conquest.. maybe, yes, no, maybe its that I worry when I am 60 I wont have anything positive to say about the present, the future.
He tells me about his buildings in CA that he rents out to make money for travel and other things....
this is his project for the future.. and its nice, but it leaves him with lots of time to think of the past, and he wishes he could go back...
where as I hope when im 60 i will be proud of my past, happy about my present, and looking forward to the future.
I think the only way to do this, is to stay focuses on love (and such)
I mean, he tells stories about lust, but where is the love? where is the moving/driving force... for certainly bodies give out, but spirits shouldnt have to. I dont want my spirit to get old. I want it to drive and drive.
so always have a project a hope.. a love
I was singing johnny cash's version of "hurt" (NIN) and i was thinking about how although that song, and the way he sang it, were about basically that giving up--or that being done... he wasnt himself. nearing the end of his life, he still put out great cds. and not only that but reached a younger generation by touching them with his version of their songs... Cash covering depeche mode, and NIN... what the fuck? and yet they are great great covers... thats brilliance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I decided not to go to transylvania last night around 3AM I dont really have a reason except im trying to enjoy the time off... i am meeting people here.. and why go to some old castle and dink around when there is shit i havent seen here.
Like today i was gonna go to the art museum, but because there is a concert, they closed it. and the traffic is silly... so maybe i will try to find the hinted at tony romas... and then decide i cant afford it.
___________________________________________________________________________
I am thinking in my off time, I may volunteer for my brother this summer. Off time meaning when im not with my friends, in morris, or visiting others. I also would seriously like to start painting... and seriosly like to learn how to play music one of these days. (this will never happen)
********************************************************************************
its hard because everyone is away from school, and internet, they have their own focuses... my mom was talking about how basically I sit around all day with time to think about people and things, waiting for them to be a part of my life (while im here) but they spend their time living their lives, without the time to ponder and thus dont even realize im waiting... this seems true and what can you do?
This australian guy i was talking to is about halfway through a 9 month around the world trip... he seems to be in a similar position.... still moving forward but wanting to go home... he says he has a girlfriend of 10 years... and I wonder why she isnt with him... maybe they needed the time apart to learn who they were again... i hope the trip changes things for the better.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Is she a smoker? (or just too busy)
____________________________________________________________________________________
a test of wills last night left me going to bed around 4:30 am... I think on thursday I will stay up all night and sleep on the train to krakow...
(its a 6:08 am train)
____________________________________________________________________________________
War. we dont speak anymore of war.
____________________________________________________________________________________
Its a beautiful song miss, I wish I could write things like that, and it seems he must have been really focused (in the moment) to write with such clarity...
I think its really a true statement you know? like the home is where the heart is thing..
++++++++++++++++
remind me to learn from this second attempt and not travel alone anymore. its good once, to find out what you need.
I wish there were more to do online... how do i spend my time at home? i spose looking up bad things.
oh well
you enjoy yourself dear diary.
Monday, May 15, 2006
I think YOU work for the CIA!!!
I have been having a hard time getting started on drawing or even fucking around on my computer here... spose that means i have been busy. Last night I played "Metropoly" with 3 english cats, an italian, and a romanian girl who is dating the italian, but was trying to flirt all night... She was very young seeming and sort of dimwitted as far as the game, but maybe she never played before... she wasnt dumb (i mean she knew like 3 languages) but she did that thing that little kids do in monopoly where you take your money really seriously... as if it were real.. and she would like say things like "im gonna buy a new pair of shoes!" with each pass of go....
anyway...
today i met another man... interesting actor from hollywood.
likes to hit on people
um when i figure out his whole name i will look him up and put some sort of link on here maybe
spent the last 2 hours tryign to find a movie theater to no avail... and then found the chili peppers cd for 30$ which is too much but i really really want it.
i guess i dont have much to say.. leaving for krakow on friday...
peace
I have been having a hard time getting started on drawing or even fucking around on my computer here... spose that means i have been busy. Last night I played "Metropoly" with 3 english cats, an italian, and a romanian girl who is dating the italian, but was trying to flirt all night... She was very young seeming and sort of dimwitted as far as the game, but maybe she never played before... she wasnt dumb (i mean she knew like 3 languages) but she did that thing that little kids do in monopoly where you take your money really seriously... as if it were real.. and she would like say things like "im gonna buy a new pair of shoes!" with each pass of go....
anyway...
today i met another man... interesting actor from hollywood.
likes to hit on people
um when i figure out his whole name i will look him up and put some sort of link on here maybe
spent the last 2 hours tryign to find a movie theater to no avail... and then found the chili peppers cd for 30$ which is too much but i really really want it.
i guess i dont have much to say.. leaving for krakow on friday...
peace
Sunday, May 14, 2006
I wasnt even thinking about personal things, and laurel just made me teary eyed with that sort of bittersweet joy from a post she made a few days ago.
I was hoping to find more messages in my in box.
steve says he might have to leave from krakow... which means a little extra stress and more moving, (less hostels?)
Its funny to think so many people in my life just had this huge event happen to them that will change their lives forever... i wasnt even around..
Pete and illy got my back in being behind schedule...
Its funny... had i done a normal program (4 years) and not ever gone to europe I would have graduated yesterday. how different would life be?
I wouldnt know the same people, probably wouldnt be as confident..
im at an internet cafe that has a jazz cafe next to it, with a live band (right out side the door) ... im almost staying here just because im fairly sure this internet is cheaper than a coke next door, and the jazz is free in here...
smooth jazz...
oh man... oh man do i miss music.
im practically creaming my cargo pants right now... (dont worry, as they are my only pair of pants, they are already quite stained!)
anyway....
there is a "crazy guy" living in our room (for a month) at the funky chicken hostel.. he apparently made one request upon paying or whatever... "no americans in the room" SOOOO IM FROM WINNIPEG!!!!
canadian eh..
but what if funny is that he is from california... and looks like rasputin... (which is awesome)
he talks in his sleep and yells out things like "thats slanderous!"
and seems to have spent a lot of time in china..
we watched old movies in the common room last night, and it was wonderfully relaxing. I might stay here for a week just for the tv... and the cheapness.
my hostel costs 10$ and pizza hut costs 7$ for two drinks garlic bread and a personal pan pizza.
The city itself (bucharest romania) is not at all what i expected. My only experiance here before, was an hour spent at the train station, on the infamous budapest to anywhere train... (it connects in sofia bulgaria to istanbul -thessoloniki -and all of yugoslavia...)
anyway my hour here in 2002 was waiting patiently on the train while little kids snuck on to steal and sell things like food and toys. and men tried to get you off the train (by talking through your window) distracting you so the kids could steal... thus i felt like i was in some non european country... when we got here this time (i been hanging out with an actual canadian, whos kind of funny in a weird way and has done a lot of traveling) i walked out of the station to a lush green park, beautiful monuments, large buildings, grass and flowers.... true the city is dirty and there are some people begging and things, but it is eastern europe (so thats normal) basically i would say it looks as good as central europe... and not at all non european...
its nice though... i like it.
hmmmm anything else to tell you...
uh i wish i had wireless access, i have a new poem (its kind of weird) its both feminist and mysogistic at the same time... im writing a series of poems on the adam and eve thing, and that one basically says that adam is very thankful to have eaten the apple of whatever because then (knowing shame and bad things and such) he also sees beauty... and especially in women he sees beauty (this is not to be homophobic or anything, but i think that it applies the same for homosexual encounters) the reason its a little antifeminist, is it has that familiar ring to it of "is woman sex?" because of course as part of the whole "kicked out of the garden thing" men and women have sex with all its beauty and ugliness..
and since the poem is from adam's perspective, one point he makes is that he is happy to follow eve because she is sexy.
anyway i think the next one will in some way encorporate the needed apologies, the blame and things, the way "eve has tried to make it up, by allowing herself to be hurt, and adam has taken advantage of this"
in other art news, i havent done anything new, since i realized my art book was bleeding colored pencil from page to page...
i will, just got sidetracked..
but i took pictures from my sketch pad which i can put online eventually.
um i drew some pictures for some little girls on the train to thessoloniki...
that train ride sucked... and because i got to the station very late and it was very crowded the woman who sold me the ticket thought i wanted 2 and didnt have time to give me a refund... so that was 20 bucks thrown away...
then the train was packed and people had to stand the whole time... (i got a seat)
actually i offered my seat to an older gentleman who stood near me by his seated wife... and he refused with a smile... later i saw him get a seat... and give it up to the first woman he saw who needed one... which put a huge smile on my face.
hmmmmm phone calls have been wonderful... i wish it had been this way the whole time... im wondering if i should try again with the ones i have...
i could never get them to work with out a lot of hassle.
only 3 weeks left...
i love all of you. thanks
peace and love and much respect
taff
I was hoping to find more messages in my in box.
steve says he might have to leave from krakow... which means a little extra stress and more moving, (less hostels?)
Its funny to think so many people in my life just had this huge event happen to them that will change their lives forever... i wasnt even around..
Pete and illy got my back in being behind schedule...
Its funny... had i done a normal program (4 years) and not ever gone to europe I would have graduated yesterday. how different would life be?
I wouldnt know the same people, probably wouldnt be as confident..
im at an internet cafe that has a jazz cafe next to it, with a live band (right out side the door) ... im almost staying here just because im fairly sure this internet is cheaper than a coke next door, and the jazz is free in here...
smooth jazz...
oh man... oh man do i miss music.
im practically creaming my cargo pants right now... (dont worry, as they are my only pair of pants, they are already quite stained!)
anyway....
there is a "crazy guy" living in our room (for a month) at the funky chicken hostel.. he apparently made one request upon paying or whatever... "no americans in the room" SOOOO IM FROM WINNIPEG!!!!
canadian eh..
but what if funny is that he is from california... and looks like rasputin... (which is awesome)
he talks in his sleep and yells out things like "thats slanderous!"
and seems to have spent a lot of time in china..
we watched old movies in the common room last night, and it was wonderfully relaxing. I might stay here for a week just for the tv... and the cheapness.
my hostel costs 10$ and pizza hut costs 7$ for two drinks garlic bread and a personal pan pizza.
The city itself (bucharest romania) is not at all what i expected. My only experiance here before, was an hour spent at the train station, on the infamous budapest to anywhere train... (it connects in sofia bulgaria to istanbul -thessoloniki -and all of yugoslavia...)
anyway my hour here in 2002 was waiting patiently on the train while little kids snuck on to steal and sell things like food and toys. and men tried to get you off the train (by talking through your window) distracting you so the kids could steal... thus i felt like i was in some non european country... when we got here this time (i been hanging out with an actual canadian, whos kind of funny in a weird way and has done a lot of traveling) i walked out of the station to a lush green park, beautiful monuments, large buildings, grass and flowers.... true the city is dirty and there are some people begging and things, but it is eastern europe (so thats normal) basically i would say it looks as good as central europe... and not at all non european...
its nice though... i like it.
hmmmm anything else to tell you...
uh i wish i had wireless access, i have a new poem (its kind of weird) its both feminist and mysogistic at the same time... im writing a series of poems on the adam and eve thing, and that one basically says that adam is very thankful to have eaten the apple of whatever because then (knowing shame and bad things and such) he also sees beauty... and especially in women he sees beauty (this is not to be homophobic or anything, but i think that it applies the same for homosexual encounters) the reason its a little antifeminist, is it has that familiar ring to it of "is woman sex?" because of course as part of the whole "kicked out of the garden thing" men and women have sex with all its beauty and ugliness..
and since the poem is from adam's perspective, one point he makes is that he is happy to follow eve because she is sexy.
anyway i think the next one will in some way encorporate the needed apologies, the blame and things, the way "eve has tried to make it up, by allowing herself to be hurt, and adam has taken advantage of this"
in other art news, i havent done anything new, since i realized my art book was bleeding colored pencil from page to page...
i will, just got sidetracked..
but i took pictures from my sketch pad which i can put online eventually.
um i drew some pictures for some little girls on the train to thessoloniki...
that train ride sucked... and because i got to the station very late and it was very crowded the woman who sold me the ticket thought i wanted 2 and didnt have time to give me a refund... so that was 20 bucks thrown away...
then the train was packed and people had to stand the whole time... (i got a seat)
actually i offered my seat to an older gentleman who stood near me by his seated wife... and he refused with a smile... later i saw him get a seat... and give it up to the first woman he saw who needed one... which put a huge smile on my face.
hmmmmm phone calls have been wonderful... i wish it had been this way the whole time... im wondering if i should try again with the ones i have...
i could never get them to work with out a lot of hassle.
only 3 weeks left...
i love all of you. thanks
peace and love and much respect
taff
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Last night i was hounded by bad dreams, and even worse day dreams as a mosquito roamed around my head for about 4 hours and i couldnt sleep.
but basically..
If i die on this trip. none of you will know, for a long time. But if i stop writing... assume im dead, and move on. It wont be so bad really.
also
tomorrow i leave for athens, then on to bucharest... where i will hopefully be staying at the funky chicken hostel... which when you think about it... well thats fucking awesome.
also i think im gonna send my suitcase home with my brother... and keep the good things to myself.
you enjoy yourself and i will post again in a matter of days.
but basically..
If i die on this trip. none of you will know, for a long time. But if i stop writing... assume im dead, and move on. It wont be so bad really.
also
tomorrow i leave for athens, then on to bucharest... where i will hopefully be staying at the funky chicken hostel... which when you think about it... well thats fucking awesome.
also i think im gonna send my suitcase home with my brother... and keep the good things to myself.
you enjoy yourself and i will post again in a matter of days.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Today i woke up at the buttcrack of noon, cleaned my room and waited at the bus stop for about 45 minutes... then crossed santorini to the capital city, Fira. checked that out for a couple hours and then spent another 30 minutes at a bus stop to go to oia (ee-a) where the views are... spent a couple hours there and then spent another 45 minutes waiting to get back to fira, and then another hour waiting to get back to perissa (where my hotel/the beaches are)
* santorini is beautiful, even without the nice white and blue buildings, the coloring on the island is perfect, and contrasts the ocean smoothly (red rock, blue sea) but to top that the lay out of the towns is like one of the escher (i have no idea how to spell his name) drawings where the stairs go everywhere and nothing makes sense... but its awesome... sort of dr seuss-ish
* dogs and cats are cute
* buses shouldnt take so damn long
* Im not gonna go to mykonos
* islands (and turkey) just dont get good unbruised fruit!
* this trip is entirely too expensive
* uh i guess thats it
word up to the homies... tomorrow naxos, then athens... then thessoloniki and on to bucharest hopefully the (athens-bucharest thing will be under 24 hours)
but if u dont hear from me in a few days... im in transition.
you take care of yourself-s
peace and love
taff
* santorini is beautiful, even without the nice white and blue buildings, the coloring on the island is perfect, and contrasts the ocean smoothly (red rock, blue sea) but to top that the lay out of the towns is like one of the escher (i have no idea how to spell his name) drawings where the stairs go everywhere and nothing makes sense... but its awesome... sort of dr seuss-ish
* dogs and cats are cute
* buses shouldnt take so damn long
* Im not gonna go to mykonos
* islands (and turkey) just dont get good unbruised fruit!
* this trip is entirely too expensive
* uh i guess thats it
word up to the homies... tomorrow naxos, then athens... then thessoloniki and on to bucharest hopefully the (athens-bucharest thing will be under 24 hours)
but if u dont hear from me in a few days... im in transition.
you take care of yourself-s
peace and love
taff
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
I broke my suit case in istanbul... im not sure if i wrote that on here or not... as anyone who has seen it can attest... it is quite heavy.. plus i loaded it up with extra shit in turkey (fearing it would be my last great chance to get cool shit for cheap -forgetting i was staying in eastern europe the rest of the trip-minus greece)
but im happy with my gifts...
i am unhappy with the suit case... I tied one of those luggage identifier rope things... (mines bright green) around the regular handle and it sort of works but kills the arms and shoulders and i end up frustrated and sweating buckets by the time i get anywhere... to date so far it has meant paying about 20 euros extra for taxis... and since im fairly sick of traveling it will probably mean even more in the future...
but all i do is complain and im in paradise... beautiful beaches, beautiful sea, beautiful mountains, the sun... all i need is a "virgin" - i never got that part... i understand liking to corrupt innocence and all, and i understand "tightness" is supposedly a factor in pleasure... but honestly...I would never want to sleep with a virgin, they would be just as awkward and unsexy as I am... and where would that get us?
anyway.....
on that note..
I spent an hour on the phone with my girlfriend... I think we have similar worries and similar desires... its very pleasing to hear.
i went tanning again..
im gonna be alone in my room making movies and drinking coke all night...
tomorrow im gonna check out some towns...
then on to naxos and im thinking of throwing in a day at mykonos since every one seems to love it.
but its nice to think that in a few days i will have exactly 3 weeks left... and that same day i will have only 10 days till my brother comes... and i think that same day will be several amazing peoples in morris' last day of school...
i have 7 minutes...
tonight i ate pasta and bread, and accidently sat where the ants make their lines on the floor.
it was better than the pasta i ate on the luxury ferry to crete... in which the guy put the equivilent of about 8 (of my) servings of parmesan on my one plate of pasta...
today i took a fucking fast ass motherfucking ferry from crete to santorini, the flyingcat 4, honestly except for the rocking... you would think it was flying..
they ask you not to throw toilet paper in greek toilets...
i am not getting thinner on this trip
my first real real movie is gonna be on the athens march, unfortunately i dont have access to much music, as itunes is not a program that works with the movie maker...
hmmm take care of yourselves and someone else
stay positive and love your life
live in the present, be mindful of the others...
peace and love
and also.... your balls are showing
bumblebee tuna
taff
but im happy with my gifts...
i am unhappy with the suit case... I tied one of those luggage identifier rope things... (mines bright green) around the regular handle and it sort of works but kills the arms and shoulders and i end up frustrated and sweating buckets by the time i get anywhere... to date so far it has meant paying about 20 euros extra for taxis... and since im fairly sick of traveling it will probably mean even more in the future...
but all i do is complain and im in paradise... beautiful beaches, beautiful sea, beautiful mountains, the sun... all i need is a "virgin" - i never got that part... i understand liking to corrupt innocence and all, and i understand "tightness" is supposedly a factor in pleasure... but honestly...I would never want to sleep with a virgin, they would be just as awkward and unsexy as I am... and where would that get us?
anyway.....
on that note..
I spent an hour on the phone with my girlfriend... I think we have similar worries and similar desires... its very pleasing to hear.
i went tanning again..
im gonna be alone in my room making movies and drinking coke all night...
tomorrow im gonna check out some towns...
then on to naxos and im thinking of throwing in a day at mykonos since every one seems to love it.
but its nice to think that in a few days i will have exactly 3 weeks left... and that same day i will have only 10 days till my brother comes... and i think that same day will be several amazing peoples in morris' last day of school...
i have 7 minutes...
tonight i ate pasta and bread, and accidently sat where the ants make their lines on the floor.
it was better than the pasta i ate on the luxury ferry to crete... in which the guy put the equivilent of about 8 (of my) servings of parmesan on my one plate of pasta...
today i took a fucking fast ass motherfucking ferry from crete to santorini, the flyingcat 4, honestly except for the rocking... you would think it was flying..
they ask you not to throw toilet paper in greek toilets...
i am not getting thinner on this trip
my first real real movie is gonna be on the athens march, unfortunately i dont have access to much music, as itunes is not a program that works with the movie maker...
hmmm take care of yourselves and someone else
stay positive and love your life
live in the present, be mindful of the others...
peace and love
and also.... your balls are showing
bumblebee tuna
taff
Monday, May 08, 2006
5-6 little updates in 5-6 minutes
*Um been having lots of weird dreams lately, and considering i enjoy my dreams more than being awake lately its kind of hard not to wonder what they mean... but often they are of the nightmare proportion... except instead of waking up freaked out.. i just wake up really depressed and hurt... and then go back to them hoping they will get better. After about 6 of those last night... i finally woke up to a nice dream, playing with little kids somewhere in greece.
*I am on crete, going to santorini tomorrow morning if i wake up in time...
Working on my tan, went to knossos today,.... its "eh..."
*really really bored if i havent mentioned that... im looking forward to bucharest cuz there is a movie theater there that is supposedly cheap...
* saw a guy wearing a thong yesterday,... we werent at the beach... i think he was working construction...
* um i participated in a protest in athens... it was lots of fun and then got more exciting when some anarchists showed up and got in fights with the cops all over the city... apparently they did some damage too...
i got tear gassed quite a few times... to further explain this... they shoot or throw canisters into crowds to disperse them... it hurts like a mother fucker but usually isnt any permanate damage... the problem is -its gas and so gets all in the air and spreads about a block in whatever direction...
-but i do have some good pictures..
*uh im sure there is more... but i am gonna go eat.
maybe i will write something real in an hour or so...
peace and love
*Um been having lots of weird dreams lately, and considering i enjoy my dreams more than being awake lately its kind of hard not to wonder what they mean... but often they are of the nightmare proportion... except instead of waking up freaked out.. i just wake up really depressed and hurt... and then go back to them hoping they will get better. After about 6 of those last night... i finally woke up to a nice dream, playing with little kids somewhere in greece.
*I am on crete, going to santorini tomorrow morning if i wake up in time...
Working on my tan, went to knossos today,.... its "eh..."
*really really bored if i havent mentioned that... im looking forward to bucharest cuz there is a movie theater there that is supposedly cheap...
* saw a guy wearing a thong yesterday,... we werent at the beach... i think he was working construction...
* um i participated in a protest in athens... it was lots of fun and then got more exciting when some anarchists showed up and got in fights with the cops all over the city... apparently they did some damage too...
i got tear gassed quite a few times... to further explain this... they shoot or throw canisters into crowds to disperse them... it hurts like a mother fucker but usually isnt any permanate damage... the problem is -its gas and so gets all in the air and spreads about a block in whatever direction...
-but i do have some good pictures..
*uh im sure there is more... but i am gonna go eat.
maybe i will write something real in an hour or so...
peace and love
Monday, May 01, 2006
Becky writes me and says what i need to hear.
A crowd of 12 or so turkish teens watch me draw terribly...
they ask if they can see my book, I flip through it quick so they cant see the flaws.
the italian guy returns and sleeps in my room, which means no staying up late writing, drawing or talking...
they turn the volume up on the tv here when the conversation gets loud..
I didnt get any of my homework done, in this entire time of having internet access.
I didnt finish any stories...
a weird fucking day...
i leave tomorrow morning for Athens...
excited about change... weary of travel..
I blow opportunities for life time experiances... wishing i were home and comforted.
A crowd of 12 or so turkish teens watch me draw terribly...
they ask if they can see my book, I flip through it quick so they cant see the flaws.
the italian guy returns and sleeps in my room, which means no staying up late writing, drawing or talking...
they turn the volume up on the tv here when the conversation gets loud..
I didnt get any of my homework done, in this entire time of having internet access.
I didnt finish any stories...
a weird fucking day...
i leave tomorrow morning for Athens...
excited about change... weary of travel..
I blow opportunities for life time experiances... wishing i were home and comforted.
I dont seem to try very hard meeting people anymore...suppose im leaving tomorrow... its about fucking time i got out of this country... tonight is the feast... (i got 20 lira to spend...-spose i need some for food tomorrow---
what a weird and whacky world.... slept all day... and in that time i missed nothing...
what a weird and whacky world.... slept all day... and in that time i missed nothing...
I wrote this out before… but then my computer crashed unexpectedly…
I had just applied antibiotic goo (similar to Neosporin except walgreens brand) to the cleaning lady’s shoulder, and band aid-ed her up…
She cut herself on the metal shelves in the room while moving beds to make them…
She doesn’t speak any english, but pain is universal, and it was funny that my internet cut out right before the crisis. Makes me believe things are working out again… maybe im just more aware of them..
The healing power of prayer… I went to bed praying… I had horrible dreams and couldn’t sleep for the first hour or so… I guess working out the demons… and then I woke up happy and found nice messages from beautiful people in my in box…
I cant tell you how extreme I get when im alone… Someone said to me recently that I don’t seem to really like being alone… this is why. I go crazy!!
I convince myself that no on cares about me because they are all too busy, or that they have no reason to care about me, or that they are too hung up on their own things to care (and somehow convince myself that I wouldn’t do that if I were in their position-even though I am doing it at that very moment being caught up in myself)
Im stupid and unreliable and unhelpful when I get like that,.. I cant be trusted, depended on or respected… im generally a piss ant and sometimes I wish I would go through with it…
Sort of like the internet here or the phones in turkey… they seem helpful but they are almost more frustrating then good…
Before I get all angry again let me just apologize for being silly.
But more, let me apologize for not being there to hold your hand, or apply band aids…
Peace and love
taff
Second blog entry… (no internet..)
Its funny how acid reflux hurts when you have either eaten way too much or bad things… or when you haven’t eaten enough… which is “helpful” when you don’t have your pills and are trying not to eat…
I had just applied antibiotic goo (similar to Neosporin except walgreens brand) to the cleaning lady’s shoulder, and band aid-ed her up…
She cut herself on the metal shelves in the room while moving beds to make them…
She doesn’t speak any english, but pain is universal, and it was funny that my internet cut out right before the crisis. Makes me believe things are working out again… maybe im just more aware of them..
The healing power of prayer… I went to bed praying… I had horrible dreams and couldn’t sleep for the first hour or so… I guess working out the demons… and then I woke up happy and found nice messages from beautiful people in my in box…
I cant tell you how extreme I get when im alone… Someone said to me recently that I don’t seem to really like being alone… this is why. I go crazy!!
I convince myself that no on cares about me because they are all too busy, or that they have no reason to care about me, or that they are too hung up on their own things to care (and somehow convince myself that I wouldn’t do that if I were in their position-even though I am doing it at that very moment being caught up in myself)
Im stupid and unreliable and unhelpful when I get like that,.. I cant be trusted, depended on or respected… im generally a piss ant and sometimes I wish I would go through with it…
Sort of like the internet here or the phones in turkey… they seem helpful but they are almost more frustrating then good…
Before I get all angry again let me just apologize for being silly.
But more, let me apologize for not being there to hold your hand, or apply band aids…
Peace and love
taff
Second blog entry… (no internet..)
Its funny how acid reflux hurts when you have either eaten way too much or bad things… or when you haven’t eaten enough… which is “helpful” when you don’t have your pills and are trying not to eat…