Being lonely is such a selfish thing, you have only your own thoughts and feelings to be preoccupied with.
Its a shame really. The cure is the cure.
Not interested in movies right now I guess... wikipedia-ed the movie I was watching so I wouldn't have to keep watching it.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I think I would hate men if I were a woman. They can never possibly understand... what a burden. They claim to want to know you, but it must seem so shallow when they promise you "the world" and they really mean the tiny percent of it they choose to acknowledge.
I find myself wondering if I would be a good father.
I like to assume things in this effort... but am I actually willing to give up anything?
I just don't understand it.
The second time this week I find myself saying
All men are assholes.
I find myself wondering if I would be a good father.
I like to assume things in this effort... but am I actually willing to give up anything?
I just don't understand it.
The second time this week I find myself saying
All men are assholes.
Feeling stupid
I just completely forgot about my friends child's 1st birthday... big deal right?
But it really is... not for the child, its not truly about them... its about recognizing the mother... don't you think?
Making sure they know you care about them, showing you appreciate the effort they have put in, recognizing their love and devotion, acknowledging all those seconds of loneliness, of mixed emotions, of fear...
I could brush over it like its nothing... but jesus, I can't even imagine...
maybe its easier for me not to. Easier to not acknowledge their sacrifices, and the truly blessed reasons why they would choose to make them.
A one year celebration, to say so many things impossible to understand...
Now I feel bad for posting this.
But it really is... not for the child, its not truly about them... its about recognizing the mother... don't you think?
Making sure they know you care about them, showing you appreciate the effort they have put in, recognizing their love and devotion, acknowledging all those seconds of loneliness, of mixed emotions, of fear...
I could brush over it like its nothing... but jesus, I can't even imagine...
maybe its easier for me not to. Easier to not acknowledge their sacrifices, and the truly blessed reasons why they would choose to make them.
A one year celebration, to say so many things impossible to understand...
Now I feel bad for posting this.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Struggling to figure out what I should call this thought.
Have you ever seen chimps in nature?
Chimps and Gorillas are our closest relatives. They tend to live in groups. Both species do have members that live alone, but not by choice. These members have been kicked out of the group and usually try to steal other members away so they can go start their own groups. Otherwise the animal is rarely heard from again... maybe they live for many years on the fringe, maybe they die alone.
This weekend I spent most of my time around people. Whenever this happens I usually find myself in a much better mood. Its not that I don't get annoyed with people (I often do), its just that I feel a lot better being connected. Whenever I return from something like this, I always have a falling out period in which I feel very lonely. I might be experiencing this right now, I was certainly feeling it yesterday... but what is hitting me right now is just how unnatural my life is.
Every day I wake up alone. I check my e mail so as not to feel so alone, but rarely do I find a new message or e mail. I get ready for work alone, singing songs to myself to feel connected to others, I sometimes think about the people I want to talk to, or who I will interact with today. I go to work alone, in fact I am the first person there. I make phone calls my students right away so they don't feel so alone, so that they will come in to school and feel loved.
During the school day I am around people, but the dynamic is off because I am not among peers most of the day... so I can't rely on them the way they may rely on me.
When the school day is over I return to my house alone. Once again I try to find connection usually through my computer. A mixture of music, e mail and social networking sites, sometimes movies fill the gap and make me feel connected for a time, sometimes books do. Usually I take a nap alone, maybe the cat wakes me up, I interact with her more than any human when I am at home. When I wake up I realize I am alone and reach for my phone, to see if anyone has tried to contact me. Tonight no one had, thats not uncommon. I immediately go check my e mail. If I havent eaten already I go get food alone. Then I watch a movie or read or check the internet all night again. Then go to bed alone.
I am not saying that I am always available especially for my family, or for odd events or things that make me uncomfortable... but I think its amazing how much time I spend wanting connection and not getting it.
During college I often felt the same way, surrounded by people not finding connection (not all the time)... I can't find any other word than unnatural.
Its like every thing is pointing it out, all the feelings all the stuff I do, yet I don't feel comfortable or I don't know how, or I feel likes its asking too much to find this interaction some how.
I feel like my natural state should be to be around people... to get annoyed enough that I am fighting for my space, rather than being alone and unable to connect. It shouldn't be about making plans and crossing towns to get to the interaction I need, it should be readily available within feet. It should be impossible not to trip over it, it should be ten friends in a house, children, couples, old folks, love interests.
Have you ever seen chimps in nature?
Chimps and Gorillas are our closest relatives. They tend to live in groups. Both species do have members that live alone, but not by choice. These members have been kicked out of the group and usually try to steal other members away so they can go start their own groups. Otherwise the animal is rarely heard from again... maybe they live for many years on the fringe, maybe they die alone.
This weekend I spent most of my time around people. Whenever this happens I usually find myself in a much better mood. Its not that I don't get annoyed with people (I often do), its just that I feel a lot better being connected. Whenever I return from something like this, I always have a falling out period in which I feel very lonely. I might be experiencing this right now, I was certainly feeling it yesterday... but what is hitting me right now is just how unnatural my life is.
Every day I wake up alone. I check my e mail so as not to feel so alone, but rarely do I find a new message or e mail. I get ready for work alone, singing songs to myself to feel connected to others, I sometimes think about the people I want to talk to, or who I will interact with today. I go to work alone, in fact I am the first person there. I make phone calls my students right away so they don't feel so alone, so that they will come in to school and feel loved.
During the school day I am around people, but the dynamic is off because I am not among peers most of the day... so I can't rely on them the way they may rely on me.
When the school day is over I return to my house alone. Once again I try to find connection usually through my computer. A mixture of music, e mail and social networking sites, sometimes movies fill the gap and make me feel connected for a time, sometimes books do. Usually I take a nap alone, maybe the cat wakes me up, I interact with her more than any human when I am at home. When I wake up I realize I am alone and reach for my phone, to see if anyone has tried to contact me. Tonight no one had, thats not uncommon. I immediately go check my e mail. If I havent eaten already I go get food alone. Then I watch a movie or read or check the internet all night again. Then go to bed alone.
I am not saying that I am always available especially for my family, or for odd events or things that make me uncomfortable... but I think its amazing how much time I spend wanting connection and not getting it.
During college I often felt the same way, surrounded by people not finding connection (not all the time)... I can't find any other word than unnatural.
Its like every thing is pointing it out, all the feelings all the stuff I do, yet I don't feel comfortable or I don't know how, or I feel likes its asking too much to find this interaction some how.
I feel like my natural state should be to be around people... to get annoyed enough that I am fighting for my space, rather than being alone and unable to connect. It shouldn't be about making plans and crossing towns to get to the interaction I need, it should be readily available within feet. It should be impossible not to trip over it, it should be ten friends in a house, children, couples, old folks, love interests.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Overflowing with desire to let go, express, purge etc. Yet I feel like I got nothing to say, so maybe just babble till something comes out.
This weekend was an interesting experience. I enjoyed myself a lot, but I am not sure everyone around me did. I guess we all get too caught up in ourselves to forget that others are going through similar things, regardless of who or what they are.
I haven't been doing many artistic things lately. Not much drawing, or writing and certainly no playing or recording music. makes me feel very unproductive. I have been reading a lot. Various things but mostly the twilight books.
I'm not even watching movies all that often. I have had a few sitting around waiting for me to watch them and I just don't.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I am an interesting person, interesting enough for people to like and want to spend time with, other times not so much. Today is starting to feel like a not so much.
I got home and just wanted someone to touch me, hold me, brush my hair or something. Show me they loved me in some ridiculous non talk way. I remember feeling that way a lot when I was in relationships, but also lavishing attention in similar ways sometimes to the point where the people became uncomfortable, maybe because I wasn't sure where the boundaries were all the time.
I taught 4 classes out of 5 today. I was pretty beat, and the second class was a battle. It was me and some of the more responsible students vs a bunch of kids who want to have their way despite the fact that they are 18-19 and still in high school... they act like the world revolves around them... I asked them to take some responsibility for themselves they pushed it back at me saying I needed to be more strict. Sometimes in situations like this I attempt to lead by example -like I would do with a friend, take responsibility for myself, react calmly etc... but I have found with teenagers sometimes they interpret that as weakness or not caring... and that's really an interesting reaction. -Apparently if I ask a person to do something in a respectful manner, I am not being forceful enough.
I tried to be really nice to this one girl and she literally said "I dislike you, and don't respect you" I said that was pretty mean, she continued so I cut her off and moved to the next person. A lot of people would have kicked her out of class... for me it seemed like she was venting her frustration from a confrontation a few days ago in a highly inappropriate manner, but still... people deserve a chance right?
I have students who defend me... its nice but it shouldn't be their job.
_______________________
I guess I am really confused about what I want right now. I keep having all these wonderful experiences, getting to know people, enjoying myself, loving life, but things like this shouldn't or don't depend on a single person... yet I feel like I should be trying to find something, title something, tie something down and by that I apparently mean a woman.
Awkward idea, weird to think that I can't just sit back and appreciate and be grateful... its that whole "simplicity" idea... she has to be tied down so you don't worry...
but her freedom is her beauty right?
What mistakes or attempts am I willing to make on my own behalf?
-I often think I can do things on behalf of others... but its harder to accept or appreciate your own desires, they are too mixed and blended, I'd say my desires are a smoothie, but they do not feel smooth.
I guess I will go read pseudo romance novels... and sulk till the morning.
This weekend was an interesting experience. I enjoyed myself a lot, but I am not sure everyone around me did. I guess we all get too caught up in ourselves to forget that others are going through similar things, regardless of who or what they are.
I haven't been doing many artistic things lately. Not much drawing, or writing and certainly no playing or recording music. makes me feel very unproductive. I have been reading a lot. Various things but mostly the twilight books.
I'm not even watching movies all that often. I have had a few sitting around waiting for me to watch them and I just don't.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I am an interesting person, interesting enough for people to like and want to spend time with, other times not so much. Today is starting to feel like a not so much.
I got home and just wanted someone to touch me, hold me, brush my hair or something. Show me they loved me in some ridiculous non talk way. I remember feeling that way a lot when I was in relationships, but also lavishing attention in similar ways sometimes to the point where the people became uncomfortable, maybe because I wasn't sure where the boundaries were all the time.
I taught 4 classes out of 5 today. I was pretty beat, and the second class was a battle. It was me and some of the more responsible students vs a bunch of kids who want to have their way despite the fact that they are 18-19 and still in high school... they act like the world revolves around them... I asked them to take some responsibility for themselves they pushed it back at me saying I needed to be more strict. Sometimes in situations like this I attempt to lead by example -like I would do with a friend, take responsibility for myself, react calmly etc... but I have found with teenagers sometimes they interpret that as weakness or not caring... and that's really an interesting reaction. -Apparently if I ask a person to do something in a respectful manner, I am not being forceful enough.
I tried to be really nice to this one girl and she literally said "I dislike you, and don't respect you" I said that was pretty mean, she continued so I cut her off and moved to the next person. A lot of people would have kicked her out of class... for me it seemed like she was venting her frustration from a confrontation a few days ago in a highly inappropriate manner, but still... people deserve a chance right?
I have students who defend me... its nice but it shouldn't be their job.
_______________________
I guess I am really confused about what I want right now. I keep having all these wonderful experiences, getting to know people, enjoying myself, loving life, but things like this shouldn't or don't depend on a single person... yet I feel like I should be trying to find something, title something, tie something down and by that I apparently mean a woman.
Awkward idea, weird to think that I can't just sit back and appreciate and be grateful... its that whole "simplicity" idea... she has to be tied down so you don't worry...
but her freedom is her beauty right?
What mistakes or attempts am I willing to make on my own behalf?
-I often think I can do things on behalf of others... but its harder to accept or appreciate your own desires, they are too mixed and blended, I'd say my desires are a smoothie, but they do not feel smooth.
I guess I will go read pseudo romance novels... and sulk till the morning.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The World is Beautiful
2 things
1) Not only does my work not frown upon dressing in drag, they actually encourage it - on the field trip.
2) I just bought make up from a young Cameroonian Woman with a beautiful soft accented voice who didn't give me a hard time for dressing in drag, but for not being aware enough of what I would want (in a sweet way). She happened to be the sister of one of the drag queens at the 90s.
Which made a beautiful world, just a bit more beautiful.
1) Not only does my work not frown upon dressing in drag, they actually encourage it - on the field trip.
2) I just bought make up from a young Cameroonian Woman with a beautiful soft accented voice who didn't give me a hard time for dressing in drag, but for not being aware enough of what I would want (in a sweet way). She happened to be the sister of one of the drag queens at the 90s.
Which made a beautiful world, just a bit more beautiful.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Do you ever feel like you are leading yourself on and recognizing this is really disappointing so you just keep up the act?
-You got no reason to believe.
-Its just too exciting to pass up.
My problem is not only am I sort of doing this (on and off in my head) but also then I worry that I am tying myself down to it... so it keeps me from pursuing other alternatives...
I think we have all been there right? Its easier to like someone who is unavailable.
We had a really good reading on intimacy the other day... made me start thinking about what I do and don't do.
-You got no reason to believe.
-Its just too exciting to pass up.
My problem is not only am I sort of doing this (on and off in my head) but also then I worry that I am tying myself down to it... so it keeps me from pursuing other alternatives...
I think we have all been there right? Its easier to like someone who is unavailable.
We had a really good reading on intimacy the other day... made me start thinking about what I do and don't do.
Well shit man... I guess its 8:38 and I am tired... spose to go to a b day party.
A concert tomorrow.
Starting to feel sorry for myself.
Way too many pictures in 2007 (reviewing so as to print) so far practically none for 2009.
I spent so much time trying to capture people at their most beautiful, something to hold on to you know?
Knowing all things end, even then I felt sad many of those nights.
Been having all these thoughts about what is right to pursue, how to frame things, what perspective one should choose... has something to do with spring -possibilities of something new.
Speaking of new, my eyes are everywhere.
Caught some good music last night
singing lots of songs to myself today, random thing like wanting to hold hands, falling in love with guitarists, having too many clothes... you know
I went to an activist organizing event today, my boss was there, we discussed whether we were down to get arrested at a housing foreclosure, I think she might be down and that makes me super proud.
A concert tomorrow.
Starting to feel sorry for myself.
Way too many pictures in 2007 (reviewing so as to print) so far practically none for 2009.
I spent so much time trying to capture people at their most beautiful, something to hold on to you know?
Knowing all things end, even then I felt sad many of those nights.
Been having all these thoughts about what is right to pursue, how to frame things, what perspective one should choose... has something to do with spring -possibilities of something new.
Speaking of new, my eyes are everywhere.
Caught some good music last night
singing lots of songs to myself today, random thing like wanting to hold hands, falling in love with guitarists, having too many clothes... you know
I went to an activist organizing event today, my boss was there, we discussed whether we were down to get arrested at a housing foreclosure, I think she might be down and that makes me super proud.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Have I mentioned I love Elizabeth Warren?
She is AMAZING
so honest, so smart, but in such a horrible position.
Also Jon Stewart is always amazing as well... but you knew that.
so honest, so smart, but in such a horrible position.
Also Jon Stewart is always amazing as well... but you knew that.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dying Song
I'm going away, forever,
I'm going away, forever,
Never coming back this way,
Never coming back to this place.
What I need is a heaven,
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
A place to go where I can really be
Where I can really be.
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
No, nothing ever is the end.
It's sure been a full life for me, yeah
It's sure been a full life for me, yeahh
It's sure been a full life for me, baby, its sure been a full life for me
*****Steve sent me this. Its typical Frusciante (the goofy picture is of him) but its from the Brown Bunny soundtrack so its not readily available. I think its very touching, but its hard to know if others would appreciate his blend of openness about death.
My family is grieving the death of my Grampa. They each have their own perspective, hard to know what mine is and if its valid. There is a memorial on Sunday and a funeral service and banquet on Monday. We are all supposed to be involved in the funeral process. Some of my uncles and cousins barely talk to eachother.
If there is one thing I am really glad about, it is that my gramps dropped his pride and reconciled with everyone before he died. Our family has been full of a lot more positivity in the past few years.
The three lines that I love from this song:
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
It's sure been a full life for me
I told steve I wouldn't mind being the first of us to die... in fact I would rather it be that way. He didn't really respond, but I think he understood. If I do die, please play all the frusciante you want. Also find something to dance to. And if my family seems uncomfortable, steve will take care of it.
I'm going away, forever,
Never coming back this way,
Never coming back to this place.
What I need is a heaven,
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
A place to go where I can really be
Where I can really be.
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
No, nothing ever is the end.
It's sure been a full life for me, yeah
It's sure been a full life for me, yeahh
It's sure been a full life for me, baby, its sure been a full life for me
*****Steve sent me this. Its typical Frusciante (the goofy picture is of him) but its from the Brown Bunny soundtrack so its not readily available. I think its very touching, but its hard to know if others would appreciate his blend of openness about death.
My family is grieving the death of my Grampa. They each have their own perspective, hard to know what mine is and if its valid. There is a memorial on Sunday and a funeral service and banquet on Monday. We are all supposed to be involved in the funeral process. Some of my uncles and cousins barely talk to eachother.
If there is one thing I am really glad about, it is that my gramps dropped his pride and reconciled with everyone before he died. Our family has been full of a lot more positivity in the past few years.
The three lines that I love from this song:
What I really need is a heaven,
A place to go where I can really be,
Dreaming my life away, counts for nothing,
But nothing ever is the end,
It's sure been a full life for me
I told steve I wouldn't mind being the first of us to die... in fact I would rather it be that way. He didn't really respond, but I think he understood. If I do die, please play all the frusciante you want. Also find something to dance to. And if my family seems uncomfortable, steve will take care of it.
Monday, April 06, 2009
"If theres a war on drugs goin on...... how come they're all around?"
Ever notice how whenever anyone says they are having serious pain, like 6 people jump out and say they have/can get them some serious pain killers?
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Chickenshit to Stand
I think my Grampa is dying in the hospital right now about 4 hours away.
Thats what I have been told, through others. I don't know what to say.
I am having very strong selfish (protect) yourself feelings.
I am also having very strong guilt feelings because of that.
I am not sure what else to say.
There are plenty of thoughts.
But mostly I just want a massage.
Thats what I have been told, through others. I don't know what to say.
I am having very strong selfish (protect) yourself feelings.
I am also having very strong guilt feelings because of that.
I am not sure what else to say.
There are plenty of thoughts.
But mostly I just want a massage.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Feeling sort of brain dead. Didn't accomplish anything this afternoon except taking movies back to blockbuster. I suppose its ok to relax like that, but I was supposed to do wonderful things with my life (or so I pictured). I had some nice dreams, in one there was someone laying next to me, we were negotiating our comfort levels.
I reread like 3 months of 2006 on here.
Similar to how I obsess about work now, I realize I spent a lot of college obsessing about classes and homework. How easily strained and stressed by such meaningless tasks and yet they start to become who you are.
What should we teach about tomorrow?
I reread like 3 months of 2006 on here.
Similar to how I obsess about work now, I realize I spent a lot of college obsessing about classes and homework. How easily strained and stressed by such meaningless tasks and yet they start to become who you are.
What should we teach about tomorrow?
