Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Struggling to figure out what I should call this thought.

Have you ever seen chimps in nature?

Chimps and Gorillas are our closest relatives. They tend to live in groups. Both species do have members that live alone, but not by choice. These members have been kicked out of the group and usually try to steal other members away so they can go start their own groups. Otherwise the animal is rarely heard from again... maybe they live for many years on the fringe, maybe they die alone.

This weekend I spent most of my time around people. Whenever this happens I usually find myself in a much better mood. Its not that I don't get annoyed with people (I often do), its just that I feel a lot better being connected. Whenever I return from something like this, I always have a falling out period in which I feel very lonely. I might be experiencing this right now, I was certainly feeling it yesterday... but what is hitting me right now is just how unnatural my life is.

Every day I wake up alone. I check my e mail so as not to feel so alone, but rarely do I find a new message or e mail. I get ready for work alone, singing songs to myself to feel connected to others, I sometimes think about the people I want to talk to, or who I will interact with today. I go to work alone, in fact I am the first person there. I make phone calls my students right away so they don't feel so alone, so that they will come in to school and feel loved.
During the school day I am around people, but the dynamic is off because I am not among peers most of the day... so I can't rely on them the way they may rely on me.
When the school day is over I return to my house alone. Once again I try to find connection usually through my computer. A mixture of music, e mail and social networking sites, sometimes movies fill the gap and make me feel connected for a time, sometimes books do. Usually I take a nap alone, maybe the cat wakes me up, I interact with her more than any human when I am at home. When I wake up I realize I am alone and reach for my phone, to see if anyone has tried to contact me. Tonight no one had, thats not uncommon. I immediately go check my e mail. If I havent eaten already I go get food alone. Then I watch a movie or read or check the internet all night again. Then go to bed alone.

I am not saying that I am always available especially for my family, or for odd events or things that make me uncomfortable... but I think its amazing how much time I spend wanting connection and not getting it.
During college I often felt the same way, surrounded by people not finding connection (not all the time)... I can't find any other word than unnatural.
Its like every thing is pointing it out, all the feelings all the stuff I do, yet I don't feel comfortable or I don't know how, or I feel likes its asking too much to find this interaction some how.

I feel like my natural state should be to be around people... to get annoyed enough that I am fighting for my space, rather than being alone and unable to connect. It shouldn't be about making plans and crossing towns to get to the interaction I need, it should be readily available within feet. It should be impossible not to trip over it, it should be ten friends in a house, children, couples, old folks, love interests.