When I was about 13 I had my first sexual encounter... With a friend. It was scary and exciting and that combination of pleasure and fear, taboo and secrecy was really powerful.
For many years I chased this feeling and it lead me to doing a bunch of things I have regretted ever since. I felt like this desire for the feeling of being alive was coming at a cost to my conscience. That i felt alive, but wished I was dead at other times.
Around 16 or 17 I stopped with the secret stuff and decided I needed to start having meaningful truthful relationships in the light of day- even if that was incredibly anxiety producing.
My first actual relationship happened towards the beginning of my senior year of high school. This was the first time I kissed someone. This relationship was the first time I had actual sexual intimacy with another person. Someone I cared about... And I liked it a lot. I swore to myself that from then on I would only ever have that kind of intimacy with people I loved.
This meant turning down sexual escapades, invites, opportunities even f I was interested. It felt good to develop the sense of self control, something I hadn't had much of during my earlier years.
I had two more relationships, full of intimacy and love.
And then nothing... Not really. I had friends. friends who I was often sexually attracted to, friends I was physically close with but not sexually intimate. 
I love these friends so much that the idea of jeopardizing that love in anyway has always seemed like an insane thought. There are fantasies but, never never any moves.
So I have not had a relationship since the end of 2006... So I have not had that kind of intimacy since then. Despite opportunities and invites... I started to feel that part of me was dead... Might forever be dead. Until a few days ago...
I am part of the living again.
And I am tempted to try to make more of it than it was, to make a relationship grow -because I know I could, because I am capable and caring enough. Because part of me desires to. But I wonder if I should let it be, to recognize that I am not the 15 year old I was... Angry and confused and looking for a fix.. I am also not in need of strict ethical guidelines that don't serve me anymore...I am an adult. A human with drives that can be acted upon if I choose to.
Perhaps I am finally growing out of my childish narrowness, my fixed positions...
I was listening to a ted talk today, that described adversities as an opportunity to create our identity... Not always good, but that doesn't mean they can't be helpful... I am glad I have had these experiences(despite the years of shame that propelled them).
I am excited to see who I will become in the next few years. I hope more balanced, healthy and less judgmental of myself and others.
