Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

Its sad, it sort of feels like people are converging in an unhappy way... where are the feasts? the pagentry? the desires and hopes? and why do they get so solemn when things change.


I woke up this morning feeling like that..
I mean thinking about that...

I met this man yesterday and i have been trying to place why i dont feel comfortable around him. Is it that he hits on me? is it that he treats sex like a conquest.. maybe, yes, no, maybe its that I worry when I am 60 I wont have anything positive to say about the present, the future.
He tells me about his buildings in CA that he rents out to make money for travel and other things....
this is his project for the future.. and its nice, but it leaves him with lots of time to think of the past, and he wishes he could go back...
where as I hope when im 60 i will be proud of my past, happy about my present, and looking forward to the future.
I think the only way to do this, is to stay focuses on love (and such)
I mean, he tells stories about lust, but where is the love? where is the moving/driving force... for certainly bodies give out, but spirits shouldnt have to. I dont want my spirit to get old. I want it to drive and drive.
so always have a project a hope.. a love

I was singing johnny cash's version of "hurt" (NIN) and i was thinking about how although that song, and the way he sang it, were about basically that giving up--or that being done... he wasnt himself. nearing the end of his life, he still put out great cds. and not only that but reached a younger generation by touching them with his version of their songs... Cash covering depeche mode, and NIN... what the fuck? and yet they are great great covers... thats brilliance.

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I decided not to go to transylvania last night around 3AM I dont really have a reason except im trying to enjoy the time off... i am meeting people here.. and why go to some old castle and dink around when there is shit i havent seen here.

Like today i was gonna go to the art museum, but because there is a concert, they closed it. and the traffic is silly... so maybe i will try to find the hinted at tony romas... and then decide i cant afford it.

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I am thinking in my off time, I may volunteer for my brother this summer. Off time meaning when im not with my friends, in morris, or visiting others. I also would seriously like to start painting... and seriosly like to learn how to play music one of these days. (this will never happen)

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its hard because everyone is away from school, and internet, they have their own focuses... my mom was talking about how basically I sit around all day with time to think about people and things, waiting for them to be a part of my life (while im here) but they spend their time living their lives, without the time to ponder and thus dont even realize im waiting... this seems true and what can you do?
This australian guy i was talking to is about halfway through a 9 month around the world trip... he seems to be in a similar position.... still moving forward but wanting to go home... he says he has a girlfriend of 10 years... and I wonder why she isnt with him... maybe they needed the time apart to learn who they were again... i hope the trip changes things for the better.

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Is she a smoker? (or just too busy)

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a test of wills last night left me going to bed around 4:30 am... I think on thursday I will stay up all night and sleep on the train to krakow...
(its a 6:08 am train)

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War. we dont speak anymore of war.

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Its a beautiful song miss, I wish I could write things like that, and it seems he must have been really focused (in the moment) to write with such clarity...
I think its really a true statement you know? like the home is where the heart is thing..

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remind me to learn from this second attempt and not travel alone anymore. its good once, to find out what you need.

I wish there were more to do online... how do i spend my time at home? i spose looking up bad things.

oh well
you enjoy yourself dear diary.