I need a new world

I hate when I am angry at myself and someone else... I can never figure out which it is, or which it should be.

I am dangerously unstable right now. Not in any life threatening way, just so very aware how perilous the balance is. And I am supposed to be seeking out companionship... yeah right, I can't even keep my friends interested. I can't even write them back or call them back when they call me. I can't even ask how their day was, because I am so self centered right now that I can't wrap up the energy to care.

Then I go and feel so fucking sorry for myself over some little thing, and bring the drama tornado to the city as if it would be helpful.
And yet, am I wrong?
no, I'm human. I am very passive aggressive. I am very insecure and hurt.
Its hard to build a mountain when you don't have a platform to start on.

So I can listen to people tell me all day how I need to be more of a go getter, more open, more honest, more assertive, but when I don't truly believe I'm worthy, and they (even for a second) behave or say that I am not... well the whole thing falls down.
So yeah...
fuck it.
and fuck you,
cuz I'm angry and hurt and not confident enough to say please help me up.

and this post is very obviously stupid and part of the fucking problem and
Thats what you get when you don't think you deserve anything... a selfish fuckhead snapping at everyone,
because hes told he should be more assertive.