Sometimes I'm an adult returning to school for some unknown reason, like a college thing even though it's very obviously a high school. Sometimes I'm a teen. I'm always struggling in three of my classes. One is chemistry, another math, and the third is art class.
The math and chemistry teachers always look disappointed to see me, they usually humiliate me at some point in the hour, and the other students think I'm stupid so by the end of the hour I am so crushed that I don't go to art class.
My attendance gets worse in all three, I am failing 3/5s of my classes and it always makes me want to drop out, which is why every time I'm back I am so behind.
I just had the dream.
This time I was walking down the halls, excited to go to my next class until I walked in and realized it was chemistry with the teacher who hates me.
I was asking myself why I had to be there, trying to hide in the back. The other students were already engaged in the material, having fun, enjoying their learning and interacting with the teacher in the way I would love to, but they never gave me the chance. I was trying to figure out how many days I skipped when a new activity was happening.
It seemed like some kind of role play, and my name was on one of the cards. This time it wasn't math or chemistry related it was like a psychology experiment and I was excited because I thought it would be something I could finally do right.
The teacher explained the assignment too quickly. She wasn't clear about the objective. She didn't prepare me because she wanted me to realize that by missing class I had missed out on the right way to do the assignment so she let me flounder.
After the demonstration I was on the spot and my confidence vanished. I was eager to answer, to please them, but I didn't know how. I asked to clarify what I was supposed to say, I said I was ready to respond but wanted the specifics
of the answer. The teacher wouldn't help, I tried again to clarify, to ask for help in a way that said "no i can do this, but I just need a little more help" the other stents took her side, they started complaining that I didn't deserve the opportunity. That I was the joker who hadn't prepared again.
The humiliation killed me. I walked out of the room crying, throwing a fit.
My next class was art. I wanted to do something right, but after missing so many times I wasn't sure if I was really welcome. I was alone in the halls, feeling sorry for myself, and it felt like an empty city. Like I had returned to this place of community and been humiliated until I left.
It's funny how sometimes in the dream I am an adult. I am aware of the ridiculousness of the situation during the event. I am saying to myself I don't have to do this, I've already proven myself but in the moment when I don't understand, when I'm feeling embarrassed I am a kid again. I run from the room because I feel like I'm being bullied. I don't return for days or months because I am scared.
I woke up and my first thought was, would you be scared right now? If you had to take those classes would you be scared? And the answer is yes, but not enough to stop me. My brain was suddenly my adult self again, capable, confident. I went from crying in my subconscious to planning consciously.
My next thought was why I was having the dream. Is it because of my little brother who is afraid to finish college eve cause of this type of situation? Is it because I feel guilty that I didn't prepare for something or I've been skipping something? Is it because I know I've probably been the teacher who humiliates a student who hasn't prepared and I'm feeling guilty?
Was it just a dream because I hadn't set an alarm?
... No answer. Something to think about.
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