I cant get to sleep.
Its funny how intuition and sensitivity play such a big role in human relations. The slightest indiscretion throws us from our high horse, wakes us from our day dreams.
Now I am replaying every fight I ever had with anyone. The overwhelming rush of emotions, often displayed in anger. I have gotten fairly good at not showing my frustration, not lashing out. Cant say the same for everyone I love, but nor can I fully blame when certainly I have done my fair share of trying to kill the messenger.
Its funny, I have no idea what these fights were about, but if you can place yourself in the position, the feeling returns and makes everything seem awful. Seem like fight or flight, seem like cutting and clawing from the inside, disdain and contempt from the outside. Betrayal and jealousy, resentment all built up, mistrust and vulnerability, I hate to think this is the legacy of all relationships. I don't dream these things, I barely recall them most days.
But have you seen the eruption, have you felt the anger?
One is tempted to laugh if one wasn't so hurt. One is tempted to deflect, defend and retaliate but really one should walk.
For no one deserves to be treated that way... and thus I don't blame them for not calling, even if I rather wish they would.
for we all play one role or another... all claiming each time to be the forgotten or mistreated (lover).
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