Braindead weekend

After a week of journaling and thinking about all my woes... this weekend was pretty dead. 

It was super hot and humid out. I basically stayed inside on my phone all weekend. 

Saturday took my mom out to lunch, and went to dinner with a friend. 

Today I got a massage and groceries. 

Cleaned a bit and did laundry, dishes, ran a few errands.

But didn't really exercise, didn't read much, didn't do any creative projects, none of that has really been appealing lately. 

It's almost 8pm.

The song "Waiting" is in my head. 

That feels right. This weekend felt like a waiting period. Not sure what for... I spent part of today laying in bed before nap, reminding myself that I can't think through my problems or develop perfect plans... to solve anything would require getting up, getting out, and trying new things.

I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do. None of my standards (coffee shops, movies, etc.) I thought about the lists of places I want to check out... but the heat (upper 90s and humid) felt so unbearable even in the walk from the car to the grocery store, that it didn't seem very appealing to be out there... didn't feel like socializing with strangers... really wanting the familiarity of the kind of love you don't question. Companionship.

Last week felt like everyone who was doing good was suddenly doing bad, or vice versa, or just more extreme?  Folks felt off. Makes me not want to invest in anything, can't trust the energy you know?

I leave for New York in about 13 days. See a few friends before then. Have therapy once... though I have nothing to say. Maybe part of me thinks therapy is a joke. 

One of the social media things I was looking at said, meeting people is really hard and when you go with the intention of meeting it makes it even more difficult, awkward, nervous, disappointment etc... nothing living up to your expectations -more essential is to develop a passion, be passionate about something so intensely that you attract the people who are interested.  

One of the difficulties of being a therapist is that you practice holding space for others and toning down your own shit.  

Its kind of a funny thing. I spend all this time trying to be more polite, nice, less needy, less greedy, and yet... that just shaves off any personality. When you make pasta you want the kind that grips the sauce - you do that by creating more edges, curves, spaces, pockets... when you want crispy potatoes, you rough up the edges a little so the oil can get in.   

Am I working against my own purposes? 

But all that to say, I don't really have any of those passions these days.  Spending way too much time online that's for sure. I got a little report that I was averaging 6 hours a day on my phone, so add in computer time and I could have another job or a whole ass family. 

I haven't really felt like making art. Writing is fun and I can get really into it, but it's hard to sustain. I am never gonna be a musician. I don't really want to organize with a political group... i like showing up for these visibility demonstrations - thats kind of my sweet spot right now. 

I think when I get back from New York I should start jumping on dating sites or meet ups or something. Need something to change you know?

When I got the massage today, I was thinking... I need to meet someone who is body based, intuitive, but also like open to spirit and what now. Its so nice to be attended to. 

I think I will probably start getting massages regularly again. At least once a month. Otherwise, I can literally go years without being touched. 

I know nothing will change if I don't leave the house... but I can tell I am waiting for someone to come pluck me up.

Tarot cards today, 9 of wands, 2 of wands, 4 of cups, 2 of swords, magician...

Most make sense... maybe not the magician. Maybe I'll get some crazy inspiration later and change the world.   The beginning of the day might have been a little more 2 of wands... the rest has definitely been 4 of cups boredom.  So stable.