Two points tonight, separate but related.
First,
Doesnt it suck when you realize you are literally keeping yourself from doing stuff, not living, not being excited, connecting because the weather is so damn shitty?
-now true enough, one can say, "yeah, but mike you didnt do shit before either..." and thats true enough, but now I find myself less likely to do things I even enjoy because I fear the weather...
examples from today
1) me, I didnt want to go to Tall D's party because it was cold, and I knew it would be a hassle to go -if i enjoyed it, I couldnt stay or walk back late, if I didnt I couldnt walk home early.
2) I did enjoy it, but when alicia wanted to go because she was tired, I left fearing that it would be too cold to walk. some would say well why didnt you drive? cuz then i couldnt drink... so you drank? no because I knew i wasnt staying...
3) becky said she wouldnt drive up here because of the weather. That may be a cop out, maybe she knows she wouldnt have a good time... maybe she knows the roads suck and doesnt want to drive...
4) I hadnt gone grocery shopping in a week because I knew it would be cold. -true enough i ate out... but thats a social event, not a me going to the store alone to get food...
Part two
I find myself wanting to be loved, wanting to be the exciting person, wanting to be liked and popular... true enough i havent done shit to make this happen... and I dont really want to.
If you look at this blog in the past few years it gets more and more boring.. well life is boring in Morris... but some people make it exciting... and im not one of them.
With both the girls I had here, I constantly chose nights in with a movie over fun events or exciting dates... part of it was working up the effort, the other part just wanting to be around them alone. of course there were many times I wanted to be social with them... and thats always hard in a relationship... its hard to work out your moods...
anyway.
I miss having someone think I am exciting...and it sucks to still think that way about people who could care less.
This feeling makes me want to be reckless.. I felt that way when i met Lex, I felt reckless.. I wasnt around her, I dont think... i mean she certainly felt like I had recked her life... but I didnt do that to her. but it sucks because I dont actually enjoy reckless behavior... I have never been a partier, I never enjoyed fucking around at work, or school... even on these fun exciting trips i have been on... I didnt do anything care free.. I care too much.
that makes me want to be reckless with my own life... but then I get those nick hexum lines about if you cant do it for yourself then do it for those around you... so then none of that now...
but I would pick up right now and go to israel to see Illy. finish school and take off.
thats sort of the teach for america thing... I mean 2 years to fuck off.... be responsible work towards something... but get away from this. fuck this man...
these friends are priceless, but we are all just sitting here ready to move on... or ready to be active, but held back by shit like the cold.
If I leave for 2 years I wont see anyone. I wont be around if Becky is in the cities... and even if i end up in Texas, Lex wont see me.
did i ever mention that? that was my plan.... go to texas, student teach there... lex had decided to move, and I jad just heard it was a possibility, so I thought why not? we would have been like an hour from eachother. I didnt tell her for a long time, because I didnt know what was gonna happen, but even when we broke up I thought it would be ok, we would be friends and visit.
Im living for other people... or rather im living because of what i think other people will be able to give me. I wanted to stop doing that... that was my goal with the europe shit... of course it didnt work.
Anyway... Im sort of sad that I think I am falling in to this sort of destructive thought pattern, wishing I had someone to tell me shits ok... and its nice to hear it from friends, but after you have shared all your secrets with a person and they know the worse of you... it really makes it nice to hear "you're ok" from them...
but im not i guess.
1 comment:
Remember that long talk we had in the dorm before we went to Scotland? And that thing that took me so long to tell you? Well, when you look at part two of this post, just think of that conversation, and know that nothing about that conversation isn't still true.
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