moya

I was talking to Kelly yesterday, explaining how I was numb, or attempting a sort of numbness so I could invite you back. Leave a door open, not dwell on the hurt or the anger, keep a place set.  Its harder and harder to explain to myself why. That was the conclusion I was explaining to her, that it was getting harder to be grateful, to think happy thoughts, to be excited, to be thankful for the blessings in my life, because to keep the absence of hurt, required in some sense the absence of joy... maybe not intentionally but that seems to be the effect. Now I find it all slipping. I really enjoyed the 4 hours with Kelly, babbling while watching her paint so beautifully. Listening to the shared connection that I have with her, both the one we have built over these past few years and the one inherent in our disposition.  I enjoyed how easy it was. Like work is easy. 

I've been hanging with my roommates, they are silly and bright, fun loving. 

They play board games and watch movies with their intellect still in tune. Like a movie isn't just a movie but an idea to be explored. They listen to music, they play music the same way. They have conversations that way too... and I enjoy them. 

The people I usually call my closest are all too busy, with work, school and travel, partners, children  and grudges. Sometimes maybe its their own weaknesses that keep them separate. Maybe its their own version of staying numb. 

I watched this video where this autistic teenager was explaining that she hits herself and flails around because she is overwhelmed in her brain. 

I watched another video where these people were explaining that in some ways being overwhelmed by sensory information is the natural state of a being a teenager. 

So what happens when an adult feels the same?

Overwhelmed till the point of self destruction.

I've been watching mad men, I am still not sure I like the show, but now I am invested in the characters... so its too late to quit right? There are all these scenes where staying cool, calm, collected, numb are rewarded, and part of you wants to yell at them that there is a different way, but these things are rewarded right?

I'm angry now. 

I wasn't really before, because I was keeping it out, but its seeping in. 

Seeping in because I am not allowed to know anything, no understanding of anything, of joy nor sorrow. And I don't want the drama, that's not what I am after... but its sad that the people who most often read this don't actually talk to me in my real life.  Its not a relationship,

but I am regaining my thankfulness and my hurt.

It shows itself in giving, smiles, connections,   but also in the apathy and the isolation.