The world is yours.

I was talking to my boss today about her other job, the business she wants to start, and all the road blocks she has run into.

Who do we want to work with, where, why, how will we make it work, who do we need to deal with in order to do it...

When I was working at my old school there were a bunch of bullshit things we had to do, but in a lot of ways we were encouraged to either treat them that way, or to find ways to not do them(figure out a better way). This meant that you could focus on and enjoy the very challenging but meaningful work instead of despairing over the bs.

In my life, things have usually just worked out. Big decisions were anxiety producing, but eventually lead to breakthroughs, opportunities would be presented at the right moments etc. a lot of this had nothing to do with me, except maybe I was prepared to say yes, or maybe I had been working on the skills to follow through. But the opportunities were usually just gifts. 

I feel stuck right now. It's ok, I can learn to accept the low level input:output, I am enjoying the time off, playing computer games and writing...

But I feel very disconnected from passion, from reaching out, from the desire to act and to open my arms to people... And I hate that. 

I hate that I don't know what to do with my lack of openness. I can't pry and push, I don't want to.  

I want to find something that seems hopeful and jump, but I don't see any green light opportunities... And it makes me very aware that much of the world operates this way daily, that life feels devoid of meaning and oppressive this way for many, that opportunities aren't given to most, that doors are shut and it's hard to pry them open when you'll just have to deal with a new set of locked doors on the other side.

I am angry that our world traps us, instead of freeing us. It would be so easy to make life better, and we have decided hardship is somehow the state of the world and reinforced it by choosing locks and fear.