Easier Said

 

I find myself in a place of push/pull, my heart is feeling a rupture and the external situation isn't mine to control or soothe. I want to rest in comfort, to reach out, to hold, to fix, but I am not sure how to respond without enabling old patterns. Did I get too caught up too soon? allow my heart and mind to imagine all the possibilities without observing the patterns? or is this just a storm to weather? Part of the healing. 

The tower must fall in order to rebuild. 

My mind is active, calling out for boundaries for action, for a plan. but maybe I just need to sit with the discomfort, is anything on fire? No. The gray sky, the rain, the people I love hurting and I don't know what to do about it. Jumping in to save ourselves from momentary discomfort isn't the solution. Getting caught up in drama and defense mechanisms isn't the answer. 

I had become a hermit, I allowed myself to open up, take a chance, take steps onto the ice and now I am wondering how to accept life as it comes, slips and cracks, hypothermia and all. Is this the way it is? 

The tower must fall, and assigning meaning before the rubble settles, probably isn't the best idea. 

Maybe just letting things be... breathing into the place that is unsettled. Comforting that inner child that is alarmed but not in danger. 

This situation is also reminding me of the times I've been on the other side. 

When I wanted someone to understand, to have patience, even to save me from myself. When it was easier to push things away than deal with them, or when I was dealing with them in a way that others didn't appreciate or understand because I couldn't communicate. Oh how the simple things can be misinterpreted by a mind set at odds to understanding out of its own desire for self protection. 

My anxious attachment is showing. My desire to know, control, armor or run. 

I don't like how my thoughts become dramatic, a blame and shame game, when it could just be accepting of what is. I have disappointments and frustrations. I have irritability and expectations. Sometimes I invite drama and chaos into my life, hoping to settle something, or figure it out. 

What is the scared part of me thinking?  That if I don't jump in things will fall apart. My parents marriage. Steve in a thousand situations. My friends in danger. My heart attaching to things in motion and being ripped out because I cannot find the right speed to align to -trying so hard to adjust myself or them to the same rhythm, because what would it mean if it doesn't work? 

And what are the worst case scenarios... I can predict a bunch of things. But what is it for me. That I have to let go of the hopes, dreams, the energy and excitement of having open doors? That I have to struggle through, trying to meet another human in their journey? That I have to tell people I am once again not moving forward in the direction that I wish to?  That I have to trust in the universe, in G-d, because it compels me to experience what I have wanted to avoid, to heal, to surrender? 

The other day I was thinking it was so odd that we hadn't had any major red flags, any major arguments or misunderstandings... and then whooomf suddenly they landed on our doorstep. Breach and repair? Communicating what is mine and what is yours to take responsibility for. It feels familiar, and yet different. I am disturbed and then soothed, and then disturbed again. It feels familiar and yet different. Samsara again...

What do I do to self-sooth? What do I do to assure myself without doing for others? I believe in co-regulation, but not giving myself up. So how now purple cow?