Cover of a Chili Peppers song,
That song has little to do with the following, but I love the guitar parts and some of the lyrics.
A student wrote me a note today. A thank you card, complete with "Thank You" on the front. Inside, she said in the simplest most moving way how much my presence in her life has meant. I couldn't keep from tearing up. A few weeks ago this student upon hearing that I was leaving, began to cry, and I began to cry. Later in a slightly more private moment she said thank you, she also said that in the last few years I had been the closest thing to a father figure she had ever had. I have been carrying that with me ever since, because I don't think I could possibly think of anything anyone could say that would be so touching to my heart right now.
Another student has been in her terms "sassy" all week. Greetings of "You suck" or "Go away." I've been sassing her back quite a bit, and tonight in a moment of playing around, I called her out on it. And she basically said "Yeah of course I have been pissy all week, I'm hurt that youre all leaving so I am giving you shit while I still can because that's how I show I care." She was still keeping pretty cool about it and I said something like "if you care so much why did you skip half of last week" and there was this weird moment of hurt in her eyes, before she replied very spunkily, "Yeah but I have shown up early every day this week!" To which I gave her props. Earlier this year this student checked herself into a hospital, and in a moment of vulnerability/perhaps unprofessionally, I cried on the phone when her mom called.
Another student who I have been close with for years now, has confessed several times in the last few days - that without knowing it I kept him from committing suicide. Every time we talk, I see so much of myself in him (despite completely different backgrounds). I just know what he means when he talks about things that everyone considers crazy, and its so easy to say "yeah for sure" and he walks away so much lighter. Tonight I watched him skillfully rap/recite some of the most incredibly painful insights he has had about people close to him, in front of a crowd of over 100. Afterwards he was just so full of that after show glow.
One of my students came to me this morning embarrassed and scared because she hadn't completed a project for the show tonight. She spent hours working on it at school today and it was one of the highlights of the show. The students wrote, shot, directed and edited the film... and all day today when I would walk in on them editing it, I would just crack up with laughter (as did the audience tonight). The student editing, and the student who helped make sure all the technical difficulties were worked out are our youngest students at my school... two 9th graders took the responsibility for the project in a group with members who are super seniors. -not saying the others didn't do their parts... saying they trusted and relied on these young folks -who pushed through and made it work. Two parents came up to me to give me credit for the work -specifically mentioning certain pieces that in fact their children (unbeknownst to them) had written, and I was able to turn it back and say I was taking directions from them actually.
The mother of one of my students approached me and asked me about my trip, and I asked her about the upcoming trip her daughter had told me about today. She said she was so grateful to have a daughter who actually wanted to hang out with her at 16. We talked about the maturity her daughter shows in most things, how beyond her age some of these traits were... and then she told me what her daughter had said after her first week at a large public school. How it nearly broke her heart to hear about the suffering her daughter was going through, so that when she found our school... The two had both felt a huge sense of relief... of safety. The Mom wished her other kids had known about the school.
And despite all the beauty and the love, and the pride.
I got home and thought about the students who didn't get to share in the success... the ones who don't feel connected. And it saddens me that I don't feel like I can genuinely invite them in-when I won't be there to ensure their place.
Every day I chastise myself for not being able to make the bridge, I see them suffering. Hearing from their fellow students that this has been a place of sanctuary and I just can't help. One in particular I see so full of desire, and anger, and hurt. So clearly at that point... and I worry he's tipping the other way.
I saw a former student tonight, riddled with scars from drug use. Generally looking damaged. I don't want to pity her, substance use happens... I just want better. This girl was so sweet and now she can barely finish sentences. She says shes woken up, the cloud is gone, but without support...life doesn't insist.
I just want better for them, these kids whos names I'll forget. Who aren't my children, but sometimes play the role... and allow me to be their awkward father figure, friend and teacher all rolled into one.
What will I be without them? and because I haven't allowed myself this thought in a while, and not to be too prideful, but what will they be without us?
Will they know they are ok? better than that, will they know they are important? and wise? and talented? and good? and full of possibility? and creative? and capable? and smart? and so fucking funny? and sometimes super annoying because that can't see any of this? and a challenge yes, and mean sometimes, and self-limiting, and not nearly as driven as I'd like them to be... but that those things don't make them dumb, or bad, or worthless, or unknowable, or undeserving... just - in progress.
They are not done yet. Will someone they can trust in, be there to say I see you, I'm looking forward to seeing more.
As they deserve. As we all deserve.
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