fears

I am starting a new job tomorrow, but I am struggling again.
Its kind of like a lot of the pain and fear just jumped right back into my heart and mind.
I went to church and felt better for a while. I know I need to do the dishes, clean up and organize my space, go for a walk, check in with someone, fill out some paperwork.
None of this is difficult. None of this is high stakes. None of this matters all that much.

I woke up alone without anyone to encourage me forward, all the fears of not being enough, of not having the right support, of being let down and disappointed again flooded back.
If I give it my best?
If I try my hardest?
If I fail anyway because I am really not enough? Because I haven't found balance, because I haven't secured the support I need.
What then...

Its been three months since I had a job. I am excited, and also worried that I am still not ready for the next steps in life. I want to believe this job opens opportunities, that things will get better from here, that my desires and needs will be rewarded by people who are equally invested, want to live from the heart and have it be recognized, but I am afraid.

I know I will move forward despite my fear.
I know things will get better and that this feeling is temporary.
But right now, I just need to acknowledge it.
Need to acknowledge my fears and hurts and little weak spots that will probably always be there.