Sometimes you gotta try to be ok with the anger.
I woke up late, couldn't sleep last night. Felt off all day.
Hung out with a friend and she shared about her new relationship, and it was really exciting, I felt happy for her.
I went to target in St. Paul,
all of my memories over there lead to feeling dissatisfied. Some of them leave me fearful, some hurt, some angry. The anger is so powerful because I want to have the memories of good things without feeling these negative feelings. Why should a positive memory be spoiled? And I am angry at her for not wanting to repair or heal. The milk is sour.
I wondered if I would run into her.
If I had run into her yesterday I could have said "I love you, I wish you well" and walked away with a smile on my face.
Today I was irritable, if I had run into her I would have wanted to argue. I would have assumed she'd lie to my face. I would have fallen into the trap of confusion and resented her for it. I would have felt choked, and then lashed out with words.
Or maybe none of it. But I found myself recognizing how angry I was... and then I came back to Minneapolis and I wasn't angry anymore. I was frustrated for a while, and then I was fine.
I want what my friend has. I want a partner who steps towards me, works with me, communicates honestly, creates a shared reality. I thought I had found someone capable of that, but she didn't want it, her own fears, her own priorities... all too different. Not ready.
I gotta move forward.
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