Sunshine, Energy, Bodies, Loneliness

Sunshine:
It was gray today, but for the last week its been sunny most days and the change in energy, motivation and feeling is absurd. It's hard to explain how big of a difference it makes. I've felt up for going for walks, seeing people, exploring. I've been singing and dancing and enjoying life, and then when the sun sets, I want to retreat into the covers of my bed.
It had been over a week before the sun shone, and I was getting nearly as dismal as the sky. The sun came out and I crawled up the water spout. 


Energy Healing (She would say she isn't the healer, but that she helps guide the source):
I went and saw an energy healer last week. Ever since my aura reader person I have been wanting to do this, and I saw it advertised and looked the lady up and decided in a split second to go. She asked why I chose her, and I mentioned her name sounded like an actress, but there was something else too. I am pretty sure she is a Korean adoptee, and there was something about the transference that made me want to go to her specifically. They don't look alike at all. Personality wise, she couldn't have been farther, but if I looked out of the corner of my eye at the right angle, with my glasses off, it felt like M was giving me back some of the energy she drained me of... and that was a weird helpful thing. The experience made me feel light headed, and goofy. I stumbled out of there with a grin on my face. Later I felt a little off, but the next few days, with the sunshine... I just felt more whole. More myself.  The actual experience was similar to reiki, but not reiki. The lady was really good at explaining with just enough detail, but not too much. She was reassuring and her voice reminded me of Lune Innate from youtube, word choice, phrasing, maybe all energy healers sound like that. I was really happy with the experience. At times I felt like I got a little more in touch with the larger picture of myself and my memories. That things were not good/bad, pain & anger or nostalgia and clinging... they just were what they were. And it was true I loved. And it is true I hurt. And none of this will keep me from a future that's better for me.


Bodies:
In the shower this morning, I realized I have had a mark on my leg for months. I thought it was a cut that I didn't noticed, that scabbed over and would heal. Its in the area where I got burned. I worried that maybe I have had skin cancer and didn't pay attention. I don't know. Could just be a scar that I shouldn't worry about. 

I went to an Embodied Antiracist Culture community workshop today, a space where white people deal with what it means to be white and antiracist, knowing that their bodies are capable of hurting people, but hoping to do the right thing too. Knowing it takes healing, and practice, and community. It was honestly a great experience and made me very comfortable with acknowledging that there are spaces in my body/history where I have been uncomfortable and will continue to be, and that is good. I processed an experience I had at work that lead to the fight, that M blamed on our breaking up.  She was so triggered and so intent on using it to make her point that she never even followed up... but I did, I will continue to, because regardless of her, this is one of the things that makes me me. 
I wish I could go to the group every month, but it will be during work hours. It will also be at M's work from now on, which is weird. I texted shultz one day to ask what the ethics around that were, and whether I should give her a heads up or just stroll in because its a public space. The politics of an unhealthy relationship. It didn't have to be this way. I didn't make it this way, even though I keep worrying I did. This was not my plan or choice. 

My Dad had surgery on his shoulder. They realized it was worse off than they expected, and did a bit of reconstruction. The recovery will be longer. There may need to be more surgeries. My Dad is on pain pills and slightly more irritable. He is worried they fucked him up more than he would like to be, worried that he won't get his mobility back, worried that it will lead down hill.  I am too. I have to "babysit" him on monday and tuesday, which doesn't mean much. Watch a movie or two. His hearing has deteriorated so much that it is difficult to talk with him sometimes. I really worry more about that than his arm, but he prides himself on being able to work/being active. Our egos are so fragile. 

Loneliness:
I keep seeing beautiful (mostly younger) folks at the coffee shops. I crave attention, possibility, someone who desires me. There are 8 billion people out there and I am wondering why I don't have anyone who wants to hold me at night. Today at the workshop, a person stopped me on the way out to introduce themselves. I should have taken that as a sign, that they kept talking even as I was bundled up and moving away. But I wasn't interested. As easy as swiping left. I was on my way out and already on to the next thing in my head. I was polite to her, but I don't remember her name and probably won't remember her face if I ever make it back there. I don't think I am even ready for a relationship, what would that be like for the person? Hey I was in love with my ex, probably still am, she went silent on me which drove me more crazy, now I am way more insecure than I was when I met her... how are you? How can I prove that I am lovable? How can I do that without care taking you until you throw me out an airlock?

I am hoping that I get a call about having a new job next week. Otherwise, I don't know. 
I have the money to stay unemployed. To travel. To make mistakes. But I want a career that is meaningful and supports me. I don't have the partner or kids to ground me. I don't have enough friends who can pressure me into doing myself good. I have to do it by myself, or maybe I might float away. Do something ridiculous.