Israel and Sebastian Joes

I just went to get sorbet by myself because I was feeling lonely. Sebastian Joes is down the street, I was hoping I'd walk in and it would be hoppin, and I could sit down and people watch or something. But it was just me. I ate half of each of my scoops and then went to the liquor store to buy sprite. 

When I walk that direction I pass by a fancy restaurant with big windows that I always stare in, and sometimes the people stare back. 

I am walking with a slight limp because I pulled something in my leg. It was feeling better again today and then i walked around isles, and half way through it began to hurt. Then I got home and felt kind of lightheaded like the pain had gotten to me worse than it had. I am not sure what's up with me today... and yesterday... and the day before. 

Maybe its the whole retrograde thing, or the moon, or having a job beginning. 

Some folks have pointed out that I might be grieving the loss of time on my own, but its pretty transparent what I am grieving. I miss being in a relationship. I miss loving someone and hoping they love me back. Its a weird sort of melancholy that just drowns out other things. I feel stuck again. I feel like crying and can't. I crave deepness, but don't want it with friends and family, I want to be chosen and choose someone to love. 

Its been hard because I was doing really well, then suddenly I got a job and I am back to feeling alone. I was doing a lot of spiritual stuff that made me feel connected, but I don't really right now. I guess that was always my definition of hell. I am less intrigued, less excited, just want to sleep, even though the sun is out and I "should be" happy. Maybe that's what it is, I feel like I should be happy, but I am not. 

Vic sent me a really nice text, that was probably the highlight of the day. 

I am apparently on parent-care duty this week, helping my parents recover from surgeries...