vibes, body, mind, ego, connection (different order)

There was a woman who had a similar look to M at the coffee shop and then later at Caravelle. Her face was quite different and she was a little more heavy set, but her movements were eye catching. Its funny how I have this trauma response when I think I see her. Its like a quick stomach and chest pain, that takes my breath away. Its too bad that this is what we have become. Dirty pain. Such low vibrations.

The Democrat debate last night and the world's issues seem so pressing, and so desperate. The icecaps will melt, the virus will kill us, the economy and the government will collapse (Shiva destroys that which binds us) ... but it feels like such low vibrations. Vishuddha Das says turn off the negative media, they are selling you a perspective, propaganda to warp your mind away from your higher self. 

Yesterday's pain is still there but so diminished that I am laughing at how it warped my thoughts and feelings. I slept in, and then woke up afraid I would be grumpy all day. I have neurofeedback this afternoon and I was worried I'd be even more off kilter than last time. The mind is so fragile, so pliable. Its like I can go from despair and being crushed, to being in total harmony within the span of minutes or hours. The source point book points to order, balance, harmony, and flow, as the key elements to realign. I have been trying to visualize them routinely, but there is something missing for me. I think I have a hard time visualizing the source accurately. The rest make sense, but almost more like aspirations rather than connection to the blueprint. Maybe I need more experience.

Coffee, sunshine and movement have helped. I started reading another buddhism book. I am kind of skimming these books at this point because they are all similar. All my studies point to something similar, so when I am reading I am looking for particular stories, poems, phrases, mantras, or actions that offer new insight. For the most part though, I am feeling like things are more in alignment. Maybe I shouldn't have had so much soy sauce for lunch... but I was feeling happy. 

Movement, is something that is more essential than I recognize. I wish I were more into yoga, or had the discipline for a body energy movement practice. I sat in my chair at spy house and let my body do what it wanted and it relaxed and opened. I breathed into the tightness, I released, I allowed the music to determine the flow. I felt good in body and mind. Then I ate lunch and went outside into the cold, and now I feel tight again, I can tell I need to do more of this movement. Move the blockage around. Maybe I am dying. Maybe I am becoming more me. I am very aware that my breath isn't very deep, that my back bends me over, that I am clenched and shallow. I need to work on that. 

Reading this buddhist book. I am reminded that my ego has been in total control for months. My aspirations, my drive, my desire, my goals, my hurts, my healing, me me me. I know that it is important to heal and that this time has been spent well, but yesterday was a good reminder that I am out of balance with the universe because I am only thinking of me. 
I could take all of those things, and remind myself how grateful I am to be in people's lives, to have them hold me, and to allow me to hold them. But the ego says me me me, and I am locked into suffering. I need to do some writing about this. About this realignment to being grateful for what is, to reconciling myself not to strive for greater ego/ambition, but to be more fully present, to enjoy existence. I am going to be doing work that allows me to be in touch with myself and others, to shape futures, to practice creativity and critical thinking. What could be better work? I am attending a white fragility book club and have the opportunity to explore with people of various ages and experiences, what could be better? I have friends and family who are secure, in good health and doing good things in the world, how can I not be grateful for these blessings?  Friends come and go, but most want to stay in my life and they seek me out when they come home. I am so blessed! And yet, I fall into my hell so easily. The mind, the heart, the ego - none of these are true... but as lenses boy do they distract -dictate perception. 
I am a soul, a buddha, a mirror for G-d, a particular manifestation of the source, nothing more or less than brilliant, and only my self distraction and illusion keeps me from recognizing this in every moment.