Fall

The weather is turning. This week has been hard: storms and gray, but also the chaos of an unstructured life, and the crisis of the week my clients are facing. Its easy to start to get down on yourself, and then you look around and by comparison you're doing just fine.
Work is going well, but I am also falling behind already. I should be doing my paperwork more regularly. Reaching out to people. Getting a good sense of what is possible from the clients. People seem to like me, feel they can confide in me, but I also wonder who is lying or covering and why. The work is also a bit lonely. I like consultation on fridays, but it is also depressing to hear about families with such dire situations.
I feel like I see people in dreams. Like things are familiar. Like there is love and deep connection. Most of my social relationships have gotten a little shallow. Or a deep dive and then weeks without talking. I've had an attitude of why bother reaching out when I don't know what I can give. I've had an attitude of not wanting to invest when I am not sure the investment will pay off. But it is passive, not malignant. I think the more I find connection and fulfillment in my primary relationship, the less satisfying many of my friendships feel. And I need to find a better balance, because I can't depend entirely on one person, even if she is who I want to be talking to. I think my saying this, is just an acknowledgement of where I am right now, I am not sure it will last but I don't mind it being this way. Having a partner in that way feels really nice. I don't always trust it. This week amongst the hidden sun, and the wind, and the sprinkling in the air, I also experienced some strong moments of insecurity. Of worry.
I caught myself trying to figure out how satisfying life would be without her right now, and it was difficult. I know that I would continue working, but would it suck? Would I feel like I could reach out to coworkers, would I simply become more isolated again? I know that I would probably write more, but would I feel invested in life or just avoiding?  I know that I would prepare for a trip, probably next summer, and that I might put off those life things again in the meantime. Its hard for me to envision meeting someone else. More than likely I'd regress to that same old state,  the same way that the few years before meeting her, I was looking and not finding. But still there are promises and then there are promises. There are dreams and there are plans, but these things take time. There are friends and families and these things are important, and inevitably put off, and for good reason. Because they are important and my rushing doesn't help anything.
I am reading Trainspotting. More or less I simply imagine the actors who play the roles, so it isn't nearly as exciting as other books. Many of the scenes are a little more complete in the book form. I like it, but I also find it tedious at times. This is normally why I don't read books twice.
I've put off getting an apartment for another month. I think I need to focus on work, and M seems to be fine with me and my current situation for now. I was so embarrassed that for months we snuck around parking lots and stores, and parks. But we are still finding the balance.
Maybe next month things will seem more settled, maybe she'll be less interested, maybe I will be, who knows.

I didn't have enough caffeine today. I need to do paperwork, but I don't want to in public, but I also don't want to sit in my room all day. Maybe I will do some reading/editing.