An hour or two ago I was writing myself notes and asked myself if this were a new beginning or just a place in the cycle I have already been to, but don't recognize. In either case, I wrote that I would be satisfied to name it, to know it, to be able to recognize something as true is just so helpful...
On the way home I was thinking about my issue with irritability lately, I was cross referencing with the things I desire lately, I was thinking about the things I have lost lately, I was thinking about the things that are absent. CLICK
perhaps, a click, perhaps the wheels all locked into place and I recognized what has happened. Perhaps a few months ago I was setting myself up for a future in which I walked away, and in the process I was walking away from all of my friendships, gradually toning them down. I wasn't necessarily not answering phone calls or texts, but I was not necessarily engaged either. I remember thinking in conversations "What am I doing here? I am not even contributing anything." and it was so... the other day I was caught by a girl asking questions of her friends, whether she just wanted to talk and was polite I couldn't tell, but she kept asking them questions... and this seemed nice. I have been tearing down the relationships that offered me comfort, ready to start something new, and then it stalled. I stalled... I fell back into the pattern out of my sense of duty. I wasn't necessarily excited by it, but I enjoyed the moment well enough that it didn't feel like too much of a loss, but as the time has passed, letters not sent back, questions not answered, relationships not engaged with...
I am feeling more and more alone, I am feeling more and more irritable. I withdrew and now wonder why I am so pitiful.
Sometimes the tiniest things seem like effort, its not that I can't do them, can't get out of bed or whatever... its that I find them annoying... because I haven't got all my needs met, inside my mind says "why meet the needs of others?" or whatever.
Why branch out if it won't complete the puzzle, why give of the precious little, when it won't be repaid... because I haven't been asking for repayment. I haven't been asking for my needs to be met. I haven't asked, engaged, sought out something reciprocal... and thus I am irritable.
playing the role, and not getting the fulfillment of the part.
It makes sense why I want to "love," I just want someone who wants to know me, who will listen, who will indulge me.
This is a cycle, this is somewhere I have been... but now what to do about it?
I don't very well know how to make friends or lovers, as I wrote earlier today... every one was already negotiated before I asked.
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