Flowings of Your Everlasting Taffyman

i posted that last one (satans bed) because for some reason im having a particularly hard time resisting temptation. something im working on, but apparently not putting enough effort into.

The problem is its tied to so many of my excited and happy feelings, sad i know, and yet what do you do to replace it? I mean i sit here and think about stuff and the thought of that temptation is a new dagger of excitement everytime and yet tied to so many thoughts and feelings and commitments that are so against it. The temptation justifies it's self in many ways, ways i have long been convinced by, even lived by to an extent, and this new path is uncertain, im not doing it for anyone but myself because there is no guarantee of any reward from the other, yet my day to day thoughts are pushed back by convincing myself that they will be proud and thus happy, and thus loving, and supportive to a greater extent, and that cycle replays itself and ties back into the temptation in the first place.

so how to break the bonds of this temptation cycle?
i sit, contemplate, distract, feel sad- wonder if that sadness is in direct correlation maybe too the reason i can't think right now, the reason i cant sleep etc. judge, respond-- response so far has been good... but relief? no...

i wish i could use this to some better purpose but i feel drained instead, i feel less alive, less happy. and when im there I cant get enough of her, as if im trying to fill some void in my self through the use of my reaching hands and even further reaching imagination.

and find the occasional pearl jam quote to fill this need to express it all...
"immortality"
vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...