and because I like to be the epitome of what I mean

So every few years I like the therapize myself... I guess I really need it right now again, but instead I am reading this dumb book.
Anywho, I am sitting there wondering why I am so not confident enough to talk to anyone, and also what my core issues are about... I mean I can think it and say it a million times, but I guess I am just not able to use it to my advantage in the way I need to, so I keep thinking about it right?

So I am trying to figure out what injury was done to me, and the book goes with all the extremes of sexual abuse and neglect and like Gaius Balter I am wishing I was a cylon, but its just not true...
so if that shoe doesn't fit, what is the deal?
and I start wondering about this need to talk it out, and also being so deeply scared of that...
there is a guy named Ray who is at the coffee shop, he is an older light skinned black man (at least I assume so). He wears the same outfit every time, dark hat, dark sunglasses, blue shirt, cane.
He sits there, no book or nothing, he looks around the room, I am sure he is staring at people behind those sunglasses and I want to say HI, but not much more... I want to acknowledge his presence as a person, but not be vulnerable enough to have a conversation... but Ray does ask, he asks the woman who seems to be shopping on her computer if there is anything good on the computer... he asks the little girls about school, and he asks the barista a question or two,   and greets anyone who seems familiar enough.... Ray says goodbye twice to the barista before he leaves, even though she is busy and in the second response, she replies "have a good night Ray" with a little forced concern, but also knowing that that is what he needs. 
And I am Ray, or I sit there and wonder if I am Ray, or will be Ray in 20 years... because I want to talk to all the same people, and ask them questions even though they are "busy" and I want to break the ice, and I want someone to say goodbye to me, and I want someone to say hello and how are you and mean it... but these are the things I don't know how to get... -the way I want them, so I am tempted to cry. Because, like Ray, whose name I know because he said goodbye twice, I  need someone to talk to... to spill out all of my ideas and insecurities and shallowness, and deepness... but somewhere a long time ago I was told that was needy...
like everyone responds to Ray like he is needy.
and because it is needy, I was taught you have to offer people something to make it worth their while... and because I don't know what they need, I don't offer me.

Emotionally I need a partner. I always have, but I was called a motor mouth and told to shut up, so instead I just drove myself nuts and asked my fantasies a thousand questions instead of the real people.  My neediness, became my worthlessness, my shame, my failure as a person.
I act upon this self-concept every day, it has totally shaped my life.
I make friends based on it.  My work is based on it. My anxiety is run around in circles because of it. I treat some people with contempt because of it.  I treat others like they are sacred. I treat others like they are outside my realm of understanding based on it. 

ok, so I realize this... now what?
Can I build some other sort of paradigm, can I be like Daniel Quinn and realize all people are needy, and worthy?
Knowing that, does it change anything?  Do I still feel like I can't share my actual thoughts, feelings, cant reach out, etc...

Now what book?