Si for the Tarantulees

I was listening to some Mars Volta and now I am listening to spanish holiday music for the Semana Santa Festival. Its very epic and spanish. I spent a night wandering along the river in Sevilla wondering what that music was and how I could keep it in my heart, but now I just settle for youtube. Sometimes I feel like there is this old music playing in my soul, like as a baby I hummed this or something. I know I used to hum classical music to myself, but the richness of this stuff is incredible and feels like home and like heaven and it makes me understand the pagenantry of Catholicism in a way I never could before. None of this is what I wanted to talk about tonight... but what did I have to say really? A list of goals maybe, or a list of hopes, or a list of things that have happened lately. Pete has returned, I didn't make it to the play, I forgot to call my dad back, Rachel is moving to the cities, I spent some time with Jess V last night and it reminded me of what I am missing not having a girl friend... even though we spent half the time talking about potential partners or in her case (her partner) well actually I talked more than I should. The other day was Alexis' birthday and I missed dating her. I was telling Jess it felt like dating a rock star sometimes, everything was exciting and challenging, and yes sometimes that was annoying and overkill, but it also felt really amazing to know that someone that exciting liked me. Hard to find that again. But maybe I am just afraid of starting over. I know I have been holding myself back a lot. Something occurred to me the other day and that is, I have never had a girlfriend while becky was around. Maybe for a month but then I left. I don't know how it would be. I also feel like I have so many friends now that count on me in some way and I already don't spend enough time with them... my tendency with girlfriends is to be intense and hibernate with them... how will people react if I do that? Something also occurred to me after I spent a few hours talking with Jess because I always wonder why i am so weird around her... and this thought has been said before.. but I tend to believe people fall in love with me for what I can do for them and not for who I am... but I feel uncomfortable around people until I win them over... and then just assume if I share too much they will go away. OH well... heres some things I need to do next week: Buy new shoes, weights, art supplies and any other clothes I need, get my brakes fixed, clean my car, make a dentist appointment, do my laundry, clean my room, see friends, go to some weddings, see my fam, help someone move and possibly go camping.