At first it was about various types of spacecraft and quantum physics(curtesy of a video I watched before falling asleep).
But now I'm thinking of all these women in my life and their choices around men.
Moving too quickly, never moving at all, choosing men who can't be their equals, or seeing their partners as better than themselves.
It's interesting how our choices relay our way of seeing ourselves so clearly.
How we are never quite comfortable with good fits, because they don't actually ease the discomfort we create in ourselves... Not easily at least. Far easier to find someone who fits the idea we've created than the reality.
So we contort to make ourselves more like them, or hold a jealous gaze, or trust their idea of us but never raise our voice, or convince ourselves it will be easy to leave, or hold ourselves at distance.
None of it for a better relationship, none of it heals our wounds... Just prolongs them. And maybe if you find the one with the right baggage and the right attitude, you can push and pull eachother through it all... The unhealthy can become something more stable, given time.
But most of my friends are cynical about other people's relationships/marriages... And in some cases, despite the lack of acknowledgement -it shows in their own.
I'm not different to this. When I regard my own relationships they were unhealthy, not very balanced. Perhaps this is why I assume my friendships have been a better use of my energy than failed romances.
Although I've been reconsidering myself as a friend these days, I still understand that in general I met my friends as equals. Valued them that way at least. Not pedestals and distances. Not feeling like I was better than them somehow...
But if I'd been in a romance with any of them... It makes me shudder almost. I don't see healthy avenues that direction. Maybe it's my own inability to see good fits for myself, or maybe these decisions were the better course.
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