and now a moment for self pity (havent I been mad at myself enough?)

I dare not be Romeo, diving heart first into perfume clouds, pretty smiles, soft skin, poetics, lust wrapped in one's own heart song crying romance, for I fear disaster but even more I am not daring and take no comfort in tragedy, yet I am tragic no?

-So afraid of making mistakes I timidly step forward peer wide eyed, jump backwards, call it a day.
Hypocritical
because I believe in universals.
Universally believe you are worthwhile, faithful that chaos births beauty, see you wrapped in it, yet afraid to look you in the eye for fear you'd shed it, unraveling truth and nakedness but isn't that what I dream for, so vulnerable,
I still cry in want -to hold you. To trust you, to trust me.

Yet what if I can't hold you, up?
What if I am weak, too weak, I lack strength, I lack something,
I've proved it before I dread you knowing it.

Some ask, well what if they loved you anyway?

My reply in threefold:
I wouldn't let them
I wouldn't trust them
I would want them to - for fear they simply don't know their own strength (I aint here to hold you back).

Don't carry me.
I'm not there yet.
I'm not worth it yet.

"That's shame, Mike"

let me tell you about shame... I want to make a new mistake, so that I can stop thinking about the things I did ten years ago when I was weak and vulnerable, confused and abusive, people thought I was a "good person," (you know what that feels like?) I walked with my head down, until they told me to hold it higher -So I did cuz I didn't want them to guess at what had transpired. You know what that feels like? They thought I was a good person
-and they still do.

And I been trying to prove it to myself every day since.
because why can't I make mistakes like everyone else?
Why can't I not blame myself when someone else takes on too much, why do I have to feel responsible.
I was confused and vulnerable.

Anyway I close my doors and write you off, because I haven't proved it to myself yet.
and I'm sorry for missed connections but seriously universally you'll be ok.
and I'm trying to find my way there.


(Thus unless you starspeckled remind me of some dream of god I had, spark my heart like a fucking pacemaker -good luck ((((((for today))))))